A Testimonial from Moo Montana

I tell you, folks, it's not easy being the marshal of all Moo Mesa. It was my 10th anniversary as marshal and I felt no one seemed to care. But I soon discovered that they did when my hometown of Miller Glen wanted me to be their sheriff.

My name is Moo Montana, and my hometown is Cowtown. Another town I frequently visit is Elbow's Bend, where we helped get a hospital started. That was the day the Cowlorado Kid, one of my two deputies, went on his first cattle drive, even though it really was a sheep drive, because Miss Lily had a sheep, Ewe Baby, with money hidden inside, as her way of trying to hide the money from the Masked Bull. It didn't work, but Cowlorado, being such a pro at the ropes, managed to get the money back. As a token of appreciation, Ewe Baby gave him a brand new sweater for him to impress Sally Sue Holsteen, who apparently has a crush on him.

Cowlorado has since gone on actual cattle drives and has proven to be a big help, and is the textbook definition of "wild and crazy," which is the reason everybody loves him: he loves going on adventures and/or dangerous missions and has a fantastic singing voice, as well as acoustic guitar skills. (I play the harmonica, and Dakota plays the accordion.)

I'll never forget my first cattle drive. I helped 10,000 cattle get to where they were going after the comet shard that raised Moo Mesa from the ground caused the river to change directions. It was challenging, exciting, and did I mention fantastic? It made a bull out of you. Yep. A cowboy ain't a cowboy unless he's been on a cattle drive. That's my belief.

I am certain Sheriff Terrorbull is in cahoots with the Masked Bull, and one day I'm going to prove it's him. As for the Mayor of Cowtown, Oscar Bulloney, he seems to use his office for political gain, often rigging some of the elections. That's why I don't vote for him.

You probably remember my other deputy, the Dakota Dude. There's nothing annoying with him other than when he sings "Home on the Range," since his voice's volume always goes up and he doesn't know when to stop on some occasions. (Like it says in the Code of the West, "Even the most beautiful wind can turn blistery.") Other than that, Dakota's a great guy to have around. He's your basic "gentle giant;" soft-spoken, easygoing, and has a great heart for the kids, but when necessary, his brute strength takes a back seat to nobody.

You may also recall J.R., my Indian companion. He's not your typical Indian; he speaks partially broken English and partially complete English. His niece, Tanya, can speak in complete sentences. J.R. is always coming up with new inventions, but I can't stand all the details; I lose my focus that way. Still, J.R.'s a great guy to have around; there are cases where we can't catch the varmint without his help. J.R. especially proved to be helpful during the incident where the mayor hogged all the water and charged people for it.

One of my most worthy admirers besides Miss Lily is little Cody Calf, whom I refer to as "calf-pint." His dream is to be a law enforcer just like I am one day. I gave him a deputy star as an honorary award when he showed his potential one night, which, if I recalled correctly, was the night before the night I won the town's "Law Cow of the Year" award (again). I admire calf-pint's courage. There isn't anything he won't try just to make sure justice is served. And like it says in the Code of the West, "Justice must be served with a side order of integrity." Calf-pint does just that, and he won't rest until the job is done. Now that's what we need around Moo Mesa. More folks wanting to just get the job done as efficient as possible.

Most of the time I void the matter when it comes to awards like that, but this time, I accepted it. When the mayor said, "This'll be your most explosive Mesa Day yet," he meant it; the float I rode on turned out to be a trap. Fortunately, Cowlorado noticed and rope me out of there. As for calf-pint, he ended up being the bait according to the Masked Bull's plans, and when rescued by Cowlorado and Dakota, was the first to inform them of the Masked Bull's plans to blow me sky high. The float instead ended up running into the mayor's bank (of which he's the president) and exploded after two horny toads (whom we earlier arrested for robbing the bank, which was a big relief to the mayor) intervened. Both were arguing with each other when I arrested them again, even though the crowd wanted to hear a speech from me.

I recommend y'all come up and see us in Cowtown one of these days. The hospitality is great, the food from Miss Lily's Tumbleweed Saloon is especially delicious, and with myself, Dakota, and Cowlorado on the job, y'all ain't got nothing to worry about. See you soon!


Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa © Ryan Brown