Hey guys! I promised to update before New Years didn't I?
I lost internet for about two weeks so, sorry I didn't update sooner. But I do have internet now! Except Fanfiction went down as soon as I was ready to post it so... yeah..
Well anyway... I don't know if I've mentioned this before but if any of you guys are in Minnesota, I'll be attending Anime Detour 2014 in Bloomington. I'll be driving for 8 hours and staying with a friend for almost a week. I'm cosplaying Izaya of Durarara! so maybe you'll see me. =]
Anyway, thanks for sticking with me guys! I really appreciate it.
I awake with a splitting headache.
My entire body roars with pain, every pound of my heart shoots pain across my chest and down my sides.
I can't open my left eye. Bringing my hand up, I touch the swollen skin as my mind replays recent events.
'How long have I been out? It's so quiet.. Where is everyone?'
I sit up on my elbows, I have to move slowly but moving at all is increasingly painful.
My first impulse is to cry, I want to cry for being so weak, so pathetic. I want to cry because part of me knows they're right. I'm probably better off dead.
But I won't cry. I won't because of Claude. I exist for a reason and an even larger part of me knows that Claude would be devastated.
'I can't do that to him, I can't be so selfish. He doesn't deserve it.'
Slowly, I climb to my feet and drag my feet to the mirror to inspect the damage. Dried blood covers the front of my face and part of my shirt. My nose sits at an awkward angle, swollen and definitely broken, my lip is busted and my left eye is swollen purple and black. Bringing my hand up, I touch a cut running near my hairline, a small trail of dried blood runs from the cut to my jaw line.
My good eye slides down to my neck, handprints in the form of dark bruises cover my neck. I can't stop myself from touching it, the mere memory brings back the suffocating feeling.
Lifting my shirt, I can see more bruises. I'm covered in them. Yellow, black, purple, welts and bruises, enormous and small, everywhere on my small frame.
'I have to go.. I need to get away.'
Twisting the knob on the sink, I grab a paper towel before carefully removing the dried blood from my face. I have to pat lightly, the rough texture of the paper towel stings as I guide it over my abused skin causing me to cringe. I can't describe the emotions mixed up inside of me. There's so many feelings, they intermingle, demand an exit but I've blocked all the doors.
I'll hold this inside of me. I'll let it rot within my core.
Ash's face is fresh on my mind, but I push it away. I hate him so much, I want him to disappear forever and I know that if Claude finds out what happened, he might actually disappear for forever.
'But so will Claude assuming the judicial system catches up with him..'
I don't want that. I don't want Claude to fight my battles for me. As much as I would love to see Ash get his ass handed to him, I don't want to drag Claude into my problems. Ash is somebody I would love to personally take down, except I lack the ability to do so and so I'll wait and allow karma to catch up with him.
Or maybe I will, one day.
Once all the blood is removed, I grab my backpack off the floor and slide it over my shoulders. Small movements send pain shooting up my body, but I have to move. I have to go. I have to go now, I just want to leave; I can't be here anymore.
Before exiting the boys bathroom, I look up and down the hallway. Once confirming that it's empty, I take off running down the hall. My body screams at me, it hurts so bad that my vision blurs and I almost pass out but I don't stop.
I don't stop running until I'm home.
The apartment is empty when I come busting through the front door. I hope the neighbors below aren't home because I'm positive my stomping is annoying as hell.
After locking the door, I slide my backpack off as I quickly head to my room. Shutting my door behind me, I move quickly as to avoid thinking. I don't want to think right now, I just want to wash him off me. I have to wash Ash off, his disgusting smell.
Tearing my shirt over my head, I throw it across my room where it lands on the windowsill before sliding onto my floor, kicking my pants off I leave myself in just my boxers and socks. Grabbing the towel strung over my desk chair I rip open the door to my bedroom.
I rip open the door to my bedroom.
I rip... it open...
Only to reveal my Aunt standing in-front of my door, her hand raised as though she was about to knock.
Her face carefully moves from surprise, to horror, to sadness, then to shock again.
I'm sure my face would've looked just as surprised to see her if it wasn't so swollen.
"Oh my god! What... W-what happened?!"
My heart races in my chest, pain fluctuates within from the heavy pounding but I ignore it as my mind immediately begins to wonder if I had really missed her upon entering the apartment.
'I thought I was alone..'
"Sebastian! What happened to your face? Where's Ciel? What happened? Sebastian talk to me!"
My mouth is slightly open, I'm speechless as my Aunt's cold hands slide from my swollen face to the various bruises covering my body. Tears pool in her eyes as she spins me around, taking in the damage before covering her mouth in horror.
"Sebastian, What happened?!"
I can't speak. I just stare. I can't tell her, can I? It wouldn't help. And what if they turn from me and begin to focus on Ciel as a form of payback? They did that to get back at Claude, whose to say they won't do it to Ciel too..
I can't say anything. Can I...?
My Aunt is visibly shaking, her cold hands resting on both of my shoulders as she stares at me awaiting the response that will never come.
I drop my gaze to the floor before looking towards the bathroom. Earlier at school I had wanted to cry, but now, I can't feel anything. This isn't happiness, but it's not sadness.. It's probably lower than that..
Being numb is the lowest of the low.
I step back to escape my Aunts hands before shaking my head at her. She opens her mouth to speak, but before anything comes out, I disappear into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
I need to wash this off. I want it all off.
The two police officers in-front of me stare at me with annoyed expressions. They're frustrated because I won't tell them who did this to me, I won't speak to them at all aside from; "I don't want to file charges.".
After getting out of the shower, my Aunt had insisted that I at least get my broken nose set. She promised not to ask me anymore questions as long as I did that much. The entire car ride consisted of her expressing her anguish at the situation. She cried a few times, got angry and even yelled at me.
I think she didn't know how to feel either. What exactly do you do when a loved one comes home with the shit beat out of them?
Is there a proper response for that?
Probably not, I doubt this sort of thing comes explained in those parenting books.
One of the police officers sighs, rubbing the back of his head he turns to his partner.
"We probably won't get much out of him if he doesn't want to talk." His partner nods before digging into the breast pocket of his uniform. Extracting a small, white, business card, he scribbles something on it before holding it out to me.
"This is my card, I've written your case number on the back. If you decide you want to file charges or at least tell us what happened, just give me a call. Otherwise there's nothing we can do for you."
Nodding, I take the card without making eye contact. I give them a quiet 'thank you', before watching them leave.
After the police officers leave, my Aunt comes back in holding a small bundle of paperwork.
"Are you ready to go?"
"Yeah.. I just wanna go home.."
"Did you tell them what happened?" She asks as I slide off the patient table.
Shaking my head, I follow her out into the brightly lit hallway of the hospital. Various nurses and several patients plus doctors bustle around us. I can't help but wonder what sort of situation each of them are in.
Here I am thinking this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and yet, perhaps the person that just passed me watched their spouse die of Cancer or just came from seeing their child who is recovering in the ICU after getting hit by a car.
I must be very selfish, either that or narrow-minded to believe my problems to really be so bad.
But I can't help it, my mind is a mess. I haven't made sense of everything that's happened quite yet, I don't know what I feel anymore, it doesn't make sense to me.
I just want to go home, this hospital reeks of pain and suffering.
After we get home, I head straight to my room. I can hear Ciel's music pulsating softly from his bedroom, I almost stop to knock on his door but decide not to.
My room is dimly lit by the setting sun, Stella sits up and yawns at me as I close my door. Her bright eyes watch me as I pull my hoodie over my head, careful to avoid hitting my nose before tossing it into my clothes hamper.
"Hey, Stella." I whisper, taking a seat on my bed beside her. I pet her softly, this cute cat had very few concerns in life and I envied her for that. But she also lacked a million and one things that I had merely because I'm human.
I wonder if that makes all humans feel a form of entitlement to a point, just for being human?
I slowly lay back on my bed, Stella takes this opportunity to climb over my bare stomach and chest before laying down and purring loudly.
A loud buzzing accompanied by a vibration fills the room followed by a bright light.
Looking towards my pillow, I see my phone screen lit up with Claude's name.
'I really want to talk to you.'
I want to answer the phone, more than anything right now, I would love to hear his voice.
But I'm afraid to answer the phone.
What would I say? How would I explain this to him? Would he think I'm weak? It's not like this would ever happen to Claude. No, Claude is strong, unlike me. I'm weak, I'm so pathetic and weak it's seriously a joke.
This is just so embarrassing.
Would he blame himself? This isn't his fault though, but still.. Sometimes logic fails people in times like this.
'But I shouldn't answer my phone. I shouldn't hear your voice. You shouldn't hear mine.'
Closing my eyes, I try to push thoughts of Claude away but it's hard. My brain twists around his voice, the way he looks at me, his warm body as he pulls me into a tight hug.
My chest physically aches, I can't tell if it's from the wounds or...
The buzzing of my phone stops. My cell screen displays countless missed calls, and various texts from Claude.
Unlocking my phone, I tap into his text messages and read the first few that I see.
'Where are you?'
'Sebs seriously, where the hell are you?'
'You missed gym class, are we still meeting up for sushi?'
'DAMNT SEBASTIAN ANSWER YOUR PHONE!'
'Are you okay? I'm getting really fucking worried here this isn't funny!'
'Pick up your fucking phone!'
'I'm coming over!'
'Where are you? Where is your Aunt? Sebastian fuck! CALL ME AS SOON AS YOU GET THIS.'
A sigh escapes me as I lock my phone again and drop it beside me.
Not soon after doing that does it light up again with Claude's phone call.
Pulling a pillow over my head, I close my eyes and block it out. I block it all out and fall into a dreamless sleep.
I wake up to my brightly lit room. Stella now sleeps beside me, her warm body curled up into the slightest curve of my waist.
I can barely see out of my left eye, so I keep it closed silently hoping that it will speed up the healing process somehow.
Yawning, I reach down and pet her softly before bringing my hand up to my face. The swelling seems to have gone down as well as the pain.
'But I'm sure I still look like shit.'
Sitting up, I rouse Stella in the process who merely glares at me before going back to sleep.
I pull my black hoodie out of the clothes hamper, furrowing my eyebrows slightly at the distasteful act of putting on dirty clothes before sliding it on and heading towards the bathroom.
After washing my face, using the bathroom and brushing my teeth, I head into the kitchen wearing just my hoodie and a pair of blue, plaid boxers, to find my Aunt leaning against the sink, munching on a granola bar. Her face twists slightly at the sight of me, It must be hard for her to look at me like this. Maybe I should stay in my room until I look a little better.
"Good morning, Sebby."
"Morning." I try to smile, but it physically hurts my face.
"Want some breakfast?" She asks, pointing at the fridge as she takes another bite out of her granola bar.
"No thanks. But uhm, why didn't you wake me up for school?" I ask as I pull at the sleeves of my jacket.
It's almost noon at this point, and while I didn't exactly want to go to school today, I had figured she would at least wake me up to ask.
Aunt Angie hesitates slightly before putting her granola bar down and replying.
"I don't want you going there anymore. Actually I was looking into some private schools nearby."
"What?! No, I want to go there! That's where.. That's where Claude is. I don't want to be separated from him."
"I don't want you seeing him anymore either. I already blocked his number from your phone."
Shock floods my body, I can feel my pulse increasing as my mind begins to spin once again.
"W-what? I can't.. why? What are you talking about?" I mutter desperately hoping this is some sick joke.
"I spoke to Ciel.. Don't be mad at him either it's not his fault. You wouldn't tell me what happened so I asked him. Come to find that Claude is the bully you were telling me about when school first started. Why wouldn't you tell me that? When I hired him, you could've told me, Sebastian! Why didn't you?"
I'm at a loss for words, my mind is spinning so rapidly that I can barely form a logical thought much-less a coherent sentence.
Ciel told her? How much did he tell her? What exactly did he tell her?
My entire body is shaking, I'm trying hard to suppress it but the anxiety, the pain, the shock and the anger coursing though me is too much. I can't suppress it all.
"I... I didn't want to tell you. I wanted to handle it on my own. That's all."
"You don't have to do things by yourself, Sebastian. You can rely on me from time-to-time.. But... I fired him and you're changing schools. He's banned from this apartment and you are certainly banned from his house. I don't even know why you were friends with him after that. You deserve better than that Sebastian."
"NO! No! I love him! I... No! Please, don't do this! Please!"
I'm begging, how pathetic. What would Claude think?
I don't even know if I care anymore. I have to see him. I have to.
Aunt Angies expression doesn't change even after my uncharacteristic outburst. What is this feeling?
"I'm sorry, Sebastian. I just can't keep watching you get hurt. This isn't okay, I'm going to do what I should've done years ago, and that's put my foot down."
I open my mouth to argue back, what should I say?
Nothing comes out of my mouth, but the tears freely stream from my eyes.
Balling up my hands into fists, I turn and run back into my room. Closing my door behind me, I drop to my knees and cry silently into my balled up hands.
Claude... I want to see you now more than ever.. I need to see you.
I think this, and yet.. Will I ever see him again?
What would Ciel have even said to make her ban him completely. She went way out of her way just to ensure all contact with him is cut off. But why? Isn't this a little extreme? Banning him from my life.. Banning my own boyfriend... Completely...
I crawl over to my bed and dig through my sheets until I find my cell phone.
After unlocking it, I quickly thumb over to Ciel's contact info and shoot him a text.
'What did you say to Aunt Angie about Claude?'
Brushing a black lock of hair from my eyes, I move to Claude's contact and immediately press the call button.
"The number you have dialed has been blocked-."
My heart sinks, immediately I hang up and stare at his name on my phone before Ciel's text reply appears at the top of my screen.
'I'm sorry. She told me what happened and asked me if I knew anybody who's been bullying you at school. Claude's name just sorta slipped out. What happened?'
'She banned me from seeing him, is making me change schools and blocked his number in my phone. Thanks.'
I know I don't have a right to be mad at Ciel. It's not his fault, but I can't help it. The rage is flowing inside me, like a dam about to burst it's desperately seeking an exit.
'I can't take out my anger on Ciel.'
Dropping my phone, I slam my fists into my bed alarming Stella who sits up quickly and stares at me questionably.
"Stella.. What do I do? I.. I... It hurts. It hurts so much."
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