The Evil Dick
AN: The following "story" was inspired by the discovery of a nude Ganondorf costume for hacked versions of Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Setting and Characters: The ensuing events occur at an indeterminate time in Hyrule's history and the conversation occurs when a passing Hylian notes that Ganondorf is currently not wearing clothes. They are the only two in the area, on the beach by Lake Hylia, where Ganondorf had apparently been swimming, without any clothes.
"Oh my god you are naked," the Hylian said.
"That is correct," Ganondorf responded.
"Why are you naked?!"
"I only own armor, which weighs me down and makes it difficult to not drown when swimming," Ganondorf explained with a friendly grin.
"Okay, but…what is that?" the Hylian asked, gesturing indiscriminately at Ganondorf while trying to not look at what he was gesturing at.
"What, my rippling array of muscles?" Flexing ensued.
"No, the hellish death-beast attached to your crotch."
"Oh. That. That is my penis."
"I think I'm going to puke."
"That's what I did when I first saw it," Ganondorf said, nodding understandingly.
"What? What's that even mean?"
"Well, before I acquired the Triforce of Power it was a pretty normal looking dick, albeit larger than normal!"
"Don't wink at me when you say that."
"I thought we were experiencing a moment of camaraderie!"
"That was not what we were experiencing. How…why did the Triforce of Power give you that? And why is it pulsating?!"
"Well it's an evil dick."
"Doesn't explain anything. Actually it explains less because now I have to wonder how the King of Evil could describe a body part as evil on its own."
"Because it's from the Triforce of Power."
"I didn't realize that it was also the Triforce of Evil. How do you like…go to the bathroom?"
"Through the bottom hole, by the pit of screaming despair."
"This is unholy. That would be a bad enough response if I asked you where you peed, but you pointed out the areas on the thing itself. I honestly think I'm dying."
"It might be from the cancer."
"What cancer? Does that thing give you cancer?"
" Well it's probably giving you cancer. Also evil." Ganondorf made a motion that certainly implied both cancer and evil were being produced.
"Well, I think the burning in my eyes has started to fade, so I guess I must be getting used to it."
"Or it's blinding you. It does that sometimes."
"All the time."
" How do you keep that thing hidden?"
"Armor and evil."
"Okay the armor you wear is not enough to hide that thing. And besides I'm pretty sure the part of it that's dripping lava would burn through most metal."
"Well, it's mostly evil."
"But you can't hide it with evil now?" The Hylian looked like he was very much hoping the answer was either yes, or 'now you are dead'. Unfortunately Ganondorf seemed to have forgotten that he indiscriminately murders people, much to the sad dick-related agony of the Hylian.
"Well I could, but I also need the armor. It helps a little bit."
"Couldn't you just, please hide most of it with evil… how the hell do you hide things with evil anyways?!"
"That's not important. I'm sorry that the lovecraftian horror attached to my crotch terrifies you, but it isn't exactly doing me any favors either. Why, I haven't laid with a women for centuries!"
"That does sound horrible…I could see how that would make intercourse impossible."
"Impossible? Oh no, intercourse is quite possible, it just drains the souls of those I stick it into."
"Yes and you see a soulless lover is no fun at all, they have no spark. No imagination! That, and I only feel pain through my evil dick."
The Hylian stared, aghast. "I feel like we are having two entirely different conversations here."
"And I am winning both of them!" Ganondorf said happily.
The Hylian started to respond, then paused. His face had the appearance of a face belonging to someone who had recently thought of something rather puzzling. Rather than being a person whose face is misleading, this Hylian was quite open with his facial expressions and so therefore he had in fact thought of a puzzling something. "If your dick is so powerful, what with the soul sucking and the evil cancer, why haven't you used it against Link?"
Ganondorf looked affronted. "I'm not gay!"
The Hylian groaned. "I can't believe that's the first thing you thought of when asked that question."
"Besides, I have used it against Link. It gives me the ability to float!"
"Really?" the Hylian asked. "That actually sounds pretty cool."
"Well, sort of," Ganondorf said, rubbing the back of his neck, causing his crotch to ripple and murder a small den of badgers and peahats four miles away. "I can only float on one leg."
"It's more useful that it sounds!"
"It doesn't sound like anything. I do not get it."
"Let me show you."
Ganondorf then proceeded to float, but only on one leg.
"I have no response for this," the Hylian said, not realizing that that was in fact, a response.
"And my evil dick has also kept me in this glorious and fit shape!"
"How?" The Hylian asked, as part of his leg started to melt, the pain immediately reaching such a high level he instantly forgot about it before he even felt it.
"Evil burns calories."
"Oh." The Hylian was not the same man he was at the beginning of this conversation. He had become jaded and covered in cancer. Additionally, his faith in the goddesses had diminished as the evil dick was even now, devouring his faith. It had already devoured most of his liver, which is the organ most like faith, so it's not that big of a stretch.
"Well, it seems like you are now dead," Ganondorf said to his conversational partner.
The dead Hylian agreed with that assessment.
"Now to get back to my murdering and/or villainy. Where is my evil?" Ganondorf looked around the lake, but did not see his evil where he had left it. Sighing, he slowly liquefied his armor onto his body and then held up the dissolving carcass of the Hylian over his crotch, unknowingly causing the man's children to suddenly lose their sense of smell. "I guess I better make some more evil to hide my evil dick."
There is no good way to end this story.