I can't give you anything, but Love
"Hey Con…ah, Dr. Jones, we need you in curtain 3", Emery said smiling, as she finally found him with a patient. "I'll be right there", he answered, smiling back at her. Emery nodded and left the room. She couldn't wait to go home this night, be with him. It was such a busy day. Waiting for him in curtain 3 she thought about the last three weeks, when they finally started to date.
When he started his rotation here, she first saw him talking with Mark Green, but she couldn't really make out his features. Just when she was putting away pills and he asked her for some Demerol. "Not for me…for a patient in trauma 1", he chuckled and she was kind of blown away. "It's locked in, you need to find Haleh, she has the key for the cabinet", Emery said. "And who are you, by the way?" she added. Connor grinned again. "Connor Jones, med student, 3rd year", he said and held out his hand for her. "Emery Ross, nurse student, 2nd year, nice to meet you", she answered and they shook hands. Connor stood there and didn't move, while Emery put away pills again. She still saw him in the corner of her eyes. "Haleh must be at the admin desk", she said without looking at him. "Huh?" Connor murmured, finally coming back to earth. "Haleh must be at the admin desk", she repeated again and smiled at him. Connor nodded smiling. "Thanks, Emery", he said and went away. What Emery didn't know was, that he didn't need Demerol. He just wanted to talk to her, since he observed her the whole morning.
The days went by and they talked a lot, spent a lot of time together, until he finally asked her out for a drink after work. It became more than one drink and the next morning she woke up in his bed. Since then they were together, but Emery didn't want to tell her parents or her siblings right away.
Now she waited in curtain 3 for him to finally finish his shift. Hers was over half an hour ago. She was hungry and tired. "Well nurse Ross, what do we need in curtain 3?" he asked, as he entered the room and hugged her from behind. "The patient is really tired and hungry", Emery smiled and turned around to face him. Connor laughed. "Give me ten minutes, fifteen, tops. I have to finish some papers for Dr. Green", he said and Emery nodded. "I'll wait in the lounge, then", she answered and kissed him shortly.
"Ready to go?" he asked as he came into the lounge and found her sitting on the couch with her cell phone in her hand. "Yes, finally", she said and got up. "Do you wanna stop at Tizziano's to get some pizza for at home?" he asked. At home…his home, his apartment. "So you want me to stay over at yours again?" she smiled, looking at him. "Always", he answered and smiled too. "Well then, off to Tizziano's", she said and they left the ER together.
They went to his car and some minutes later they left the parking lot. "Ugh, I should start to study for next week's exam soon", Emery murmured and looked out of the window. "What exam?" Connor asked. "Pharmacy", she answered and then turned the music louder, because she really liked that P!nk song. Connor chuckled, as she sang along to it. "If someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out, 'cause they're all wrong, I know better, 'cause you said forever, and ever, who knew", she sang and he looked at her, admired her and her voice, too long…because his car came off the street and when he hit that tree he lost consciousness.
It was dark and cold. Was that a wind she felt brushing over her arm? She felt lonely, so lonely here. She couldn't move; she was trapped and she couldn't speak, couldn't breath and she couldn't hear anything…or could she? Where was she? What happened? Maybe this was a dream. 'Poor…girl…here…strong baby…awful…protect…oh…' What was that? She could hear! Or was she dreaming? It was silent again. And cold. And lonely. There was no time and no place. She was a cloud, a dust grain.
It was morning again. Carol turned to Doug, who was staring at the ceiling. "Were you able to catch some sleep?" she murmured, snuggling her head into his neck. "Not much I guess…you?" he answered and stroke over his face with his hand. "Not much either…I was thinking a lot about her, praying", she said and Doug nodded. "Me too. It's…I know she'll be okay, I just can't believe that this happened", he said and turned around to face her. "I know…it's…I asked myself all the time, why her? Why Doug?" her tears came back and she cried silently. "I don't know, Care…don't cry, it's going to be okay", he tried to calm her down. "I don't understand it…just two days before we were talking via facetime…she seemed so happy", Carol whispered. Doug stroke over her arm and she got goosebumps. "I talked to her some days ago. She was asking me about left heart failure and edemata…she's so intelligent, smart", he smiled a little, thinking about his daughter. "She is…and she's always been a fighter right? With two brothers by her side she always had to outdo them", Carol smiled now, thinking about the time when the triplets were toddlers, smiling at her with that toothless smiles. Carol remembered that one day, when Emery, about 5 or 6 years old, came to the ER after kindergarten with her daddy, and she was watching her mom working and then said: 'When I'm older I want to be a nurse too, just like you mommy!' Carol was so proud then, so happy. But this was just one moment. There were thousands and more.
After they had a short breakfast with Mark, Elizabeth and Rory, who had to go to school then, they were on the way to County General again. ""Elizabeth, I forgot to ask you. Was she awake, when she came to the ER?" Carol asked and Elizabeth turned around to her. "No…she wasn't. The paramedics brought her in intubated and sedated already. We stabilized her in the ER and after the lavage she came to the ER immediately", Elizabeth said and Carol nodded. Doug squeezed her hand and looked at her. She looked like hell, but he himself didn't look any better. "I love you", he formed with his mouth and Carol smiled a little. "Love you too", she said silently and looked out of the window again.
When they arrived at the ICU, a nurse was in Emery's room, looking at the respirator. He turned around when Carol and Doug entered the room. "Good morning…you must be Emery's parents?" he asked. "Yes. Dr. Ross, and this is Carol Hathaway", Doug said and they shook hands with Damon. "How is she? How was the night?" Carol asked, looking at her daughter, who looked like a fallen angel on that bed. "She's stable. We could increase the catecholamines, the BP is fine, the wounds are dry, but we'll change the bandages later. If you want you can talk to Dr. Miller", Damon said and Doug nodded. "I'll talk to him", he said and left the room.
Carol went to Emery and took her hand in hers. "Do you mind if I help you later? Wash her? I'm a nurse too…and…she's…my daughter", Carol asked Damon, not sure if he would appreciate this. Damon smiled. "Of course it's ok. I'll just finish changing the bypasses and give her the medication, then you can start…do you want some scrubs?" Damon asked and Carol nodded. "That would be perfect", she answered and smiled.
"What did Dr. Miller say?" Carol asked, as she found Doug again. "Why are you in scrubs?" he asked smiling. "Oh, I'll help washing Emery", she smiled and Doug nodded. "You're amazing", he said and hugged her. Carol then kissed him shortly. "Dr. Miller?" she asked. "They'll try to change the respirator to PSV, she's triggering already. And they'll stop dialysis to see if the kidney works…but they're not ready to let her wake up, it's too soon", Doug told her and she nodded. "Well that's good news already", Carol sighed and closed her eyes. "It is. She's strong", he answered smiling. "I'll wait downstairs then ok?" he added and Carol nodded. "I'll find you. I love you, Doug", she said and kissed him again. "I love you", he said and left for the elevator.
Carol put the blanket away and studied the thin body of her daughter. Emery had always been thin, sporty…but now she looked too thin, too sick. "Oh baby", Carol sighed, as she stroke over Emery's arm. "Let's start with your face, honey", she whispered and started to wash Emery's cheeks, forehead and chin. "I'll change that tape…maybe they have the good fabric one here…ah, here it is. Let's do this, baby", Carol changed the tape that was around the tube and put the more comfortable fabric around it. "This is much better, isn't it", Carol said as she stroke over Emery's cheek. "I'm sorry", she suddenly started to cry again, the tears falling on Emery's face. "I'm sorry…I really don't want to cry", Carol said and wiped away the tears. Suddenly the door went open. "Do you need help?" Damon asked and Carol turned around. "No…no, everything's fine. I changed the tape to fabric, hope that's okay", Carol smiled and Damon nodded. "Of course, we always change it the next day", he answered. "Okay, I'll be at the lounge if you need anything", he added and disappeared again. "Ah…Em baby, I hope they're good to you here…I think they are." She put Emery's nightgown away and started to wash her, humming a melody. She put the washcloth into the warm water again. "I can't give you anything…but love, baby…", she started to sing, as she continued with washing her daughter. She always sang this song to her children…first to Tess and Kate; they always seemed to calm down when they heard that song. And she sang it to the triplets, who seemed to enjoy it too. "…that's the only thing I've plenty of, baby…" It felt good to be there for Emery, in this difficult time. "…dream awhile, scheme awhile…we're sure to find…happiness…and I guess…all those things, you've always pined for…" Carol sang along and felt better than this morning, knowing that Emery would be okay; knowing that she would come out of this safely. Carol dried her body then, stroking softly over Emery's skin with a towel, wishing all those bruises away. Afterwards she got the body lotion and massaged it into Emery's skin. "Can you hear me, Em? I'm here. You're not alone", she whispered into Emery's ear when she was finished. "Now you're all fresh and clean…your mom still knows how to do it", Carol smiled at her daughter, satisfied with her work. Of course she knew how to treat patients, but it was different to her this time. This was her daughter, her 19 years old daughter, who was living by her own in Chicago...she was just being a mom now, being there for her daughter.
Later Damon showed up again, and they changed Emery's sheets together and when everything was done, Carol kissed Emery's cheek. "I'll come back later, baby", she whispered and stroke over Emery's dark curls. "Thanks for your help, Carol", Damon then said and Carol nodded. "Sure thing…it's all I can do for her now", Carol smiled and looked at Emery again. "And that's more than enough", Damon said and went to the computer again. "I'll be downstairs at the ER…we'll come back later, but call me if there's any change ok?" Carol then asked and Damon nodded at her.
On the way down to the ER she phoned Tess and Kate, just to tell them everything about Emery and her condition. They both were really worried, but Carol assured them that Emery would be ok. Afterwards she phoned Liam and Mason, who didn't know anything yet. Mason offered to come to Chicago, but Carol didn't want them to pause their studies and so they wished their sister good luck…there was nothing more they could do.
She found Doug at the admin desk on the computer. "What are you doing?" she asked, now standing next to him. "Checking my mails. How was it?" he looked at her. Carol smiled a little. "Good…it was good. I sang to her", she told him and he nodded. "I can't give you anything but love", he said and she smiled again. "Do you think we can take her to Seattle? With an ICU-transport?" Doug then asked and Carol took a seat next to him. "I don't think that's a good idea", she said. Doug looked at her. "Why not? We could be at her side every day", he suggested. "Doug…she's in such good hands here, you know that. And there's nothing we can do now anyway. I guess moving would be too stressful for her, she's just recovering now. Maybe she'll come to Seattle when she's ready to be released", Carol answered. "You're right…but do you want to stay here in Chicago?" he asked, not knowing what the future would look like. "I don't know…the next few days for sure. I want to be here, when she wakes up", Carol said and sighed. "Yeah, me too…I guess we'll figure everything out then…shall I look for a hotel room?" Doug then asked and Carol nodded. She got up from her seat and put her hands around Doug's neck. "Good idea", she said. "What would I do without you? Thank you for being here…for being there for her", she added and kissed him passionately. "Carol…you don't have to thank me for that! She's my daughter…our daughter, of course I'm here, no doubt!" he answered and she smiled, happy to be with him, here, for Emery.
Was she falling now? She felt like a raindrop, heavy and wet, with nothing underneath her. Emptiness, again. That fear…that black hole, no sound. Why couldn't she just fade away? Stop that thinking? Wait…what was that? Water…of course, it was raining and she was a raindrop. She was falling and falling and falling, but not touching the ground, falling into nowhere. But something was different. Something was happening. She couldn't make out what it was…but she felt something…something familiar. It was on her skin…she could smell. She knew that smell. It was on her skin… everywhere…she didn't feel cold then, but warm, so warm, safe and secure. She realized that she wasn't falling anymore; something held her, like a mother who held her baby…yes, she was a baby, she wasn't alone. She tried to make out everything that happened around her. It was too much…she couldn't concentrate, it started to fade away; again she fell into that endless helix, only to make out a silent sound, miles away…a song, a lovely, familiar song. And then she knew, that she wasn't alone…she was with her mother, safe and secure.