I'm so sorry for the ridiculous amount of time I've made you all wait. I suck I know and I doubt the chapter's really worth it (it's so short but I just really wanted to get something out) but for some reason it just won't flow and I'm struggling to write anything at the moment, not just this. /3
(I'm hoping that what with the last chapter and this one you can see how their feelings are so similar but yet fuelled by completely different reasoning idk it's hard to explain)
Also some news; I've started up three new fanfiction blogs which are:
dwfanfictions. tumblr. com
shfanfictions. tumblr. com
spnfanfictions. tumblr. com
so yeah I just started them yesterday so if you have any fanfics at all that you would like to submit for either doctor who, sherlock, or supernatural then please do! It would be very much appreciated.
Jenna had what she called runs – stretches of time where she felt good, or bad, or felt nothing at all. There was a neutral, middle-ground sort of feeling she liked to pull towards her when the worst hit and she'd keep a smile plastered over her face for Matt's sake.
She knew from his face that he thought she was getting better; and for the most part, she agreed. She smiled more often, laughed more freely. Mostly she felt more relaxed and content than she'd ever felt in her life.
Right now, though, for instance, or during any particularly nasty run, she'd find herself overwhelmed with fear and all of her insecurities would flood back up and consume her.
At this very moment in time, she was scared.
She was scared of losing Matt. Despite how many times he'd told her he loved her, how many times he'd pressed soft, tender kisses into her skin, she still found herself waiting with bated breath for the moment he truly saw how broken, bent, and ruined she was. How worthless. She was still waiting for the day when he'd realise that everything he thought he knew about her was wrong, the day she'd watch him turn his back on her and walk out of her life for good.
She loved him fiercely; loved him with a passion that threatened to burn her up or eat her alive and she often worried that maybe he'd get scalded in the heat of the flames. One too many burns could be what sent him out of the door and as a result she'd recently found herself holding back, not letting herself give too much, not to invest too heavily in the fragile balance they had.
So even as his name left her lips in a shouted prayer and her nails ran down his back, she'd shut down the part of her that wanted to scream into his ear and leave hot kisses on his neck; she'd curl away from the heat radiating within her because she was so afraid of what it might do.
And even as he wrapped his arms around her and whispered I love you so much she'd let her mouth breathe the words back to him but she wouldn't let them sink into her heart. Couldn't let them.
She felt like she was constantly walking a tightrope and the slightest wobble in either direction would send her flying off.
She was alone in the apartment, at the moment; Matt stillhadn't gone home and had taken residence in a nearby hotel for the last few days. He seemed to be terrified of leaving her ever since the night they'd both gotten drunk and Jenna had ended up with blood all over her arms.
Despite having seen him only the day before, she suddenly felt the urge to call him over, just to spend a little time with him. She felt safest when she was with him and she felt strangely needy. She craved the security he brought with him and she didn't hesitate in picking up the phone.
He answered almost immediately.
'Hi, Jenna, are you all right?'
She hated how his first thought was still to check if she was okay; hated that she was so weak he constantly had to look out for her.
'Yeah, I'm fine.' She told him. 'I miss you, that's all.'
'Jenna, I literally saw you just yesterday.'
Jenna could feel a blush rising, her cheeks hot.
'I know.' She sighed. 'But I was wondering if you could come over?'
Matt chuckled. 'Of course I can come over. And...maybe I missed you too.'
A feeling of elation filled Jenna; bad mood forgotten, she beamed down the phone.
'Okay,' She said. 'I'll see you in a bit.'
'All right. Bye.'
She smiled as she hung up; Matt missed her too and wanted to come over; all was right in the world.
It was only a couple minute's drive from his hotel to her apartment so she walked into the kitchen to prepare coffee. The way he liked it; one sugar, splash of milk.
It struck her that she knew quite a lot about him, like his favourite colour and favourite foods and what he liked to watch on TV.
And yet it felt so casual; so normal. She'd never known so much about anyone but still, it didn't feel strange, it wasn't like she'd actually sought answers to these questions - they were just things that she knew, and couldn't say how she knew, but knew them all the same.
Normal, everyday things of no particular importance but still filled her with satisfaction as she considered them. It felt...domestic, for want of a better word, so settled. What they had, it felt serious, and not just in the way that they'd been thrown into such grave, intense situations; it felt like what they had was serious, the love that they shared. It felt like they were meant to last.
Jenna wouldn't lie; the thought scared her a little, but at the same time it filled her with a sort of happiness, a serenity. It had been a while since she'd had something so constant in her life and while she found it hard to embrace with open arms it felt good.
Being with Matt felt good.