IDENTITY CRISIS

*Heather Martin*

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a story with characters created by Joss Whedon. I am only borrowing them.

Spoilers- This will have many spoilers. It occurs after Wrecked, and will refer to everything before that also. But mostly, Fool for Love.

Summary- A spell has a far greater impact than Willow or Spike counted on. The vampire is split into two separate embodiments: the demon and William. But there's still Spike, who has to decide who he really is, the demon or the man. And time is running out.

Finally, I thought of a TOTALLY new idea. At least, I think I did. I hope you all like it. Probably will be 10 chapters.

"Poor Spikey! Can't be a human, can't be a vampire." ~Wrecked

But what if he had a choice?

Chapter 1- Torn

Spike hadn't seen Buffy in almost a week. She was avoiding any place he might be; the Bronze and even his part of the cemetery. He had to force himself not to stalk around her house. She would bloody-well beat him to a pulp. Not that he couldn't do the same to her now. The thought brought a smile to his lips. But that wasn't the point. He wanted her to come to him. To admit that she wanted him. He just didn't know how long that would take. And, meanwhile, he was going insane.

He had no blood running through his veins, he had Buffy. She was in his system, in every nerve. No movement could be made without being aware of her presence. There was no way to change it, the damage had already been done. They were connected.

She had to sense the same thing he did. She had to. The only reason she ignored it was because she thought he was a monster. He used to be sure of that too. But lately he didn't know what he was. Ever since that sodding chip had been planted in his brain he battled an inner war. Do good it said. His demon had other thoughts.

The other night, when he thought he was bitable again, he wanted to go for it. He longed for the kill. But when he actually was about to do it, he didn't get that thrill he used to. The headache had come, making him stop. Yet, if it hadn't, he might not have gone through with it anyway. And he needed to know if that was part of the chip mind control (because it had still been working, just not to his knowledge), or if it had been him. The him deep down.

Spike had to find out. Was he a pathetic, lovesick poofter? Or, was he a vicious beast being kept at bay? Being hypnotized to act this way.

Had he really changed? And if so, what made him? Was it Buffy? Partly her?

He rushed over to the door. He exited into the cool night air. There was a way to find out.

+ + + + + + +

The Magic Box was closing. Anya shut the cash register, satisfied with the profit she had collected. She glanced over at the round table. Xander and Willow were chatting. They had Willow's labtop on, surfing the net or something. The past few days, Willow had been un-witchy. No spells or magic of any kind. She didn't even glance at the supplies in the shop. She was back to her computer nerd ways. Her fashion had mellowed down a bit also. Back to sweaters and such.

Anya made her way to Xander. She put her arms around him. "Honey, let's go home," she said.

He stiffened. That tone. He knew it well. It was a 'let's go screw' voice. But, he wasn't off by the idea.

Xander turned his head toward his fiancé. "Sure, just let me wrap this thing up with Will."

Anya nodded. "Okay. I'll get my coat."

Willow shut off the computer. She smiled over at her best friend. "That was fun," she commented.

"Yeah, it was. It's good to have the good-ol' giddy-lovin Willow back," he told her.

"It's weird. I spent so long trying to get away from that. I wanted to be mature and sexy. But, the transition back, it feels right. I think this is who I am." She smiled. Hope filled her. Maybe Tara would see the difference in her. She might give her another chance.

The three of them walked out of the store. Anya locked the door. "See ya tomorrow, Willow," she declared.

Willow waved. Anya wasn't so bad lately. "Ok," she replied.

Xander and Anya hooked arms together. They were soon out of sight.

A long sigh escaped Willow. She tucked her hands in her coat pockets. It was kind of nippy out. She quickened her pace. The thought of being in her nice warm bed was very favorable. Her face fell. Too bad it was an empty bed.

A shadow crossed her path. She spun around. Her heart was racing.

Spike smirked at her. He exhaled a puff of cigarette smoke.

"Don't do that!" Willow scolded. "That sneaking up stuff is not nice."

"I'm a vampire. That is what we do."

"Sure, just. . . do it more unsubtly."

He chuckled. "Sure, Red, whatever." He stomped out his cigarette butt. He remembered why he was here. "I've been looking for you. Need you to do me a favor."

Willow's voice wavered. "What kind of favor?"

"Don't sound like that! It's not dangerous or nothin. Just need you to do me a little spell."

Her eyes widened. She shook her head. "NO! I'm done with that. Totally. Find yourself another witch!"

He grabbed her arm. "Your going to do this for me!" he exclaimed.

Willow was startled. She twisted her arm, trying to get him off her.

Spike put his game face on. One way or another he was going to get her to help him. "I have to find out who I am. I'm going insane! I have to know if I'm a monster in captivity. Or, if I help you guys out of choice." He tapped his head. "Does this bloody chip make me love Buffy?" There, he said it. What he really wanted to know.

Willow looked up at him. There was an expression of sudden understanding there. She relaxed a bit.

It would be a simple procedure, Willow thought. Not hard at all. Just look into his brain to distinguish between good and evil. Find out what part dominated his actions. There was hardly any risk of a wiggy side-effect.

"Ok," squeaked Willow. "But, this is my last spell casting. And, you have to let me go."

Spike released her. His face shifted back to his human features. "Thanks, Red. I'll make it up to you somehow."

He began to walk. His duster flew back as he moved. Willow rubbed her arm. Then she followed.

+ + + + + +

They made it to the Summers' home, where Willow currently lived. She turned to Spike. "Stay here. I'm going to get supplies. It's best if we do this outside. Dawn's at a friend's, and Buffy's patrolling, but we should be on the safe side."

Spike agreed. He waited for her to come back. When she did, she was carrying a box with candles and matches.

The two went around to the back of the house. They were secluded in the shadows. No one would see them there. Not unless someone searched extra hard.

Willow pointed to the ground. "Sit," she ordered.

He did as was told, settling on his knees. Then she made a circle around him with candles. She lit each one, creating an illuminating gleam. Willow hoped Buffy would stay out late. If she came back, she might be able to see the light. They weren't so hidden anymore.

Willow sat down in front of Spike. She closed her eyes and began to chant.

What is inside is out

Mind to body

Love to pain

Good to evil

Light to darkness

Parts to whole

Her eyes burst open. They stared straight into Spike's blue ones. He gulped. Her gaze was like a magnet. He couldn't look away, or blink. She had him fixed at her. There was a rushing of power between them.

Willow's head thrust upward. Her eyes were white now. "Dead or living? In and out. Truth be told. Come forth what is!"

Spike was suddenly overcome by a retching pain. It was like being torn apart. He growled.

"Red, what is happening?" he demanded.

Willow paid no attention to him. She kept her vision to the stars above.

Another cramp went through his middle. "Willow!?" he yelled.

Her arms rose. "Hectate make it so!"

Spike was thrown backward. Everything went black.

+ + + + + + +

When he was conscious again, he became aware of the aching. Then everything came back. He instantly sat up. Anger shot through him. He was going to have a 'chat' with Willow. She wasn't supposed to do that to him.

The witch lay not far from him. She was still. Bloody hell, his mind cried. This was great.

There was a moan. He could tell that it wasn't from Willow. And if it didn't come from him. . .

Spike's gaze went to the right. There, next to him was a man. He was curled into a ball, completely naked. His hair was disheveled, a huge mass on his head.

Spike moved quickly away. He hit something. He twisted to see what it was. A vampire. He was also clad in nothing.

Spike crawled, trying to avoid both beings. There was something frightening familiar about both of them.

Willow stirred. She gave a whimper. She was shocked to make out three figures, two without clothes.

Spike charged at her. He grabbed both of her shoulders. He was breathing hard, out of rage. "What the fuck did you do!?"

Willow was scared. He looked as if he were about to snap off her head.

"I. . . I don't know," she confessed.

"Excuse me, Miss, my good man, where am I? And where are my clothes? I'm stripped down to nothing. I can't even find my knickers."

Willow and Spike were horrified. The man had awakened. He had his hands cupped over his crotch, very embarrassed and confused.

Spike knew that voice. He recognized those blue eyes, even if it had been over a hundred years since he'd seen them.

"Bloody hell, woman!" Spike shouted at Willow. He pointed at the Englishman. "That's William!"

Willow opened her mouth, but couldn't say anything.

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That was actually a long chapter. Yay for me! What did you think?