Deep Inside

By Heather Martin

*You can lie to others. You can lie to yourself. But you can't lie to your dreams .*

Spoilers- Grave

Disclaimer- Joss owns all the characters from Buffy TVS

Distribution- Sure, just ask

Summary- Anyone know what dissociative fugue amnesia is? Well, Spike develops such a case after his sudden shiny soul, along with the unexpected return of humanity. He just can't cope, so he pretends to be somebody he's not. As for Buffy, she lies to herself that Spike's absence hasn't effected her. But at night, she cannot keep him out of her dreams. What will happen to these two lost souls? Will they ever find their way? And will it be together?

This occurs after Grave. The time between episodes are unclear. Pretend that everything after 'As You Were 'only spanned a couple weeks. If you think about it, that makes sense. Seeing Red, Villians, 2 to Go, and Grave all happened in a couple days.

First here is an explanation of dissociative amnesia from

Fugue Amnesia

Fugue amnesia is an extremely rare phenomenon in which a person forgets not only his or her past, but his or her very identity. The person may wake up and suddenly have no sense of who they are. He or she looks in the mirror and sees a stranger. In the wallet or purse the person may find identification, but the name and birthdate on the driver's liscense seem meaningless. Usually fugue amnesia heals itself over time. After a while of dissorientation, the person will usually seek assistance and, with therapy, regain his or her identity.

Chapter 1

He might have been able to cope if they hadn't hit him in such a rush. If the killings came at him one at a time, he would have been able to gather himself for the next one. Of course they didn't. He stumbled, not seeing where he was going, but rather each and every single victim he had drained. The memories were vivid, as if they had occurred only yesterday. Not even realizing it, he fell to his knees. Clutching his head, he shut his eyes tightly, trying to block out the visions. His heart thumped violently in his chest, his breath erratic. And then he felt the warmth, enveloping his sensitive skin. His eyes fluttered open, and he craned his neck. There, blinding him from above was the sun. It was all too much. Too much to handle.

Spike fainted.

*-|- *-|-*

During her waking hours, Spike was absent from Buffy's life. She set Dawn off to school, went to work, joined her friends at the magic shop, and went patrolling. Never in her routine did the bleached vampire cross her mind. Her dreams were a different story.

He came every night tormenting her with all that they had done. All that he had made her feel. All that she had thrown away.

She would awaken, tangled in sheets, panting for breath, soaked with sweat, and hot with need. It was killing her. She hated to go to bed. She'd delay sleep, but it was always inevitable.

The alarm clock went off beside her bed, bringing Buffy away from Spike's pounding within her. She surveyed the sunny room, a little disoriented. A groan escaped her. Then she shut off the alarm. She got up and took a nice long cold shower. Afterward, she felt much better. All images of naked Spike had been erased from her head.

Buffy was staring into the mirror when there was a loud knock at the door. "Buffy, are you ready for today?"

The slayer blinked, trying to focus. "Huh? Ready for what?" She turned away from her reflection. "Dawn, aren't you supposed to be getting ready for school?"

Behind the door, Dawn replied, "Duh, it's Saturday. Where've you been?"

Boinking Spike in my dreams, Buffy thought. Then she caught herself and pushed the notion aside. He wasn't part of her life anymore.

Buffy moved to open the door. She held the wet towel around her slim body. Her gaze met her impatient sister. "Sorry, Dawnie, just woke up. Still a little groggy. Of course it's the weekend. So, what was that about being ready for something?"

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Willow's coming back today. You must really be out of if. We have to pick her up at the airport, remember?"

Buffy's eyes widened. "What time is it?"

"Relax, we've got hours. I'm just nervous. Are you nervous?"

"Of course. I uh, don't know how I'm supposed to act around her anymore. I mean, I hope she's the Willow we remember and not someone else." Buffy came fully out into the hall.

"Do you think two months of rehabilitation is all she needs? Is she really ready to come home? What if it isn't and she goes psycho again?"

Buffy sighed. "I dunno. But Giles and the coven seem to think so."

"Buffy, I'm scared of her," Dawn confessed. "Do I have to come with you to pick her up?"

"Yes. She'll be hurt if you don't."

The teen crossed her arms. "I don't care. She deserves to be hurt."

"Dawnie . . . She's really sorry. I talked to her on the phone."

"You're really forgiving, aren't you, Buffy? If Spike came back all sorry would you forgive him?"

Buffy's eyes became stern. "He has nothing to do with this. He's gone and that is all there is to it."

"But he might come back," Dawn protested.

"He's been gone for almost three months. He's not coming back."

"Three months isn't very long. You were dead for a whole summer. You came back. He could too."

Buffy pushed herself past Dawn. She made her way toward her room. "I have to get dressed."

"I'm sorry, Buffy. I just miss him. I'm awfully pissed off at him, but I miss him."

Buffy usually would have scolded her for using an inappropriate word. Instead, she whispered, "Why don't you go start some breakfast?" Then she went to throw on some clothes.

*-|- *-|-*

"I have to go home. Mother will be terribly worried," William told Drusilla. He got to his feet, feeling very light-headed. He wobbled slightly.

The vampiress laughed. She waggled a finger in front of her face. "I'll have none of that. You belong here, with me now. We can build a family together."

William shook his head. He took a staggering step. "No, you are a monster."

Her hand came out and stroked his cheek. "And so are you. Do you feel it? The demon cries inside you, begging for the sweet lava that burns inside each and every little boy and girl."

The blond shut his eyes tight, struggling to block her out.

"Poor lil' William, lost to all the memories. But that is no longer. Do you know what separates you from William Shayne?" she whispered in his ear. "He had a soul."

*-|- *-|-*

The aristocrat's screams filled the air. He wriggled in the vampire's grip. "William, I always liked your poetry. I swear. Please don't kill me," he begged.

The vampire smirked. He jammed the metal spike through the man's skull. Blood splattered. Taking a finger, he touched the red liquid, and then licked it.

He stood. "Name's Spike, mate."

*-|- *-|-*

He woke up to a blazing landscape. He recognized the sensation of thirst and hunger. Looking around, he saw that he was next to a cave. The ground was flat and barren. The sand beneath his feet was so hot that it could have been on fire. He glanced down to see that he had no shoes on. His attire was completely black, absorbing the beaming rays.

There were two choices. Either make a go for it and see if civilization was ahead. Or take shade in the cave until nightfall. He took the second one.

Collapsing in the cool cavern, he scanned his mind. He found a void. Not exactly nothing, but a cloudy space. Like there were things there, but he didn't have access to them. Ok, don't panic. Let's start with where you are. Um, in a cave with desert outside. Not very helpful. Why am I here? No clue. He switched to who he was. Another blank. Checking his pockets, he found no ID either. So, he was a nameless person in the middle of nowhere for no reason. Swell.

*-|- *-|-*

Dawn fixed blueberry pancakes for them. The younger Summers had been doing most of the cooking lately out of Willow's absence. Buffy would have, but she lacked in the food preparation area, aside from greasy burgers at the DMP.

A little while later, Dawn found Buffy hovering over the toilet. "Was it really that bad? I thought they were quite good. I didn't burn any that much."

Buffy shifted her head. Her eyes were glassy and she seemed ashen. "I'm fine. Just a little poison from the Doublemeat, I think. Remind me never to eat there again."

"Ok. Are you going to be all right to go to the airport? We could always call Xander. I'm sure he could skip work for it."

The slayer shook her head. She got to her feet, a tad bit unsteady. She flushed the toilet. "No, no. I'll just lie down for a bit. Be good as new in an hour."

"You sure?"


Buffy washed her face and then her teeth. Ewww, puke taste! Definite bad.

She entered her room, plopping down on the bed. She snuggled in the pillow, bringing Mr. Gordo to her chest. She fought to control the nausea that still gnawed at her stomach. What she hadn't told Dawn was that she had been getting these cramps quite often lately. The good thing was that after a short rest they went away. She was becoming discouraged, though. If they kept up, she would have to go to the doctor. Something she only did as a last resort.

Buffy must have dozed off. She heard pounding on her door. "Buffy, time to go pick up Willow," Dawn announced.

Buffy instantly sat up. She felt way better than before. "All right, I'm coming."

She brushed her hair, putting it up in a twist. She slipped on some shoes and a jacket. Ready to go out. Not ready to meet Willow.


What do you think? Am I handling the amnesia thing ok so far? And Buffy's feelings, how about them?