Hey guys thanks for coming here :)
I wanted to write Malec for a really Long time now but nothing came to my mind until today.
If you haven't read Clockwork Princess and still plan to do so you might not want to read this now because it kinda tells you the ending and with that book you really don't wanna know the ending. It's way better when you can make your own assumptions while reading ;)
Ok enough talking now. Please enjoy :)
The way you look at him
Alec Lightwood got out of the train and started to climb up the stairs of the station. He didn't hurry though. On the contrary, Alec walked as slowly as he could without attracting too much attention to himself. Even though he could have put on a glamour if he wanted Alec had decided not to. He wanted to do this all on his own. This had nothing to do with him being a Shadowhunter and he didn't want to use his powers for this.
When he got out of the station Alec turned left and walked down the painfully familiar street. Everything here reminded him of his boyfriend and all the things they did together. Ex-boyfriend, Alec corrected himself. Magnus had made it very clear to him that he never wanted to see him again. He even went as far as staying out while Alec could collect his things from the apartment.
Deep in thoughts Alec didn't really noticed the route he was walking and was almost surprised when he found himself in front of the warlock's apartment. The keys fell out of his shaking hands when he tried to unlock the door. He managed it after a few tries and after taking a deep breath went inside. Alec took one look around and immediately lowered his gaze. Everything in here screamed Magnus at him reminding him how much he still loved the warlock and how badly he wanted to turn back time. To stop himself from talking to Camille, from keeping it a secret and from even considering taking her offer. But he knew that there was no such magic and that he had to live with what he had done regretting it every hour of his life.
Carefully Alec opened the door to the actual loft and stepped inside. Even if it had been days since the last time he had been here, Alec could still smell his sandalwood shampoo and maybe, just maybe, it was because Magnus was still using it. Maybe he really still loved him. 'Not that that changes anything', Alec remembered him say. 'It doesn't change what you did.' The memory of that night almost made him cry again. But he fought the tears down and started walking to their – to Magnus' bedroom, when he heard voices out of the living room. Startled Alec stopped and turned around. Didn't Magnus say he would be out all night? The voices spoke again and Alec quietly walked into their direction. He heard Magnus say something he couldn't quite make out but just hearing his voice send shivers through Alec's whole body. Determined he stepped into the room – and froze. There was a woman sitting on the sofa and Magnus next to her, his arm around her shoulder. She was maybe a bit younger than Alec himself and was looking at Magnus, smiling. Brown hair fell in thick curls over her back. Alec tried to make a step back but he couldn't move. Magnus looked totally fine, even happy, while Alec was a wreck. Inside his head Alec screamed at the warlock for being fine just after they had broken up. As if Magnus had heard him he looked up. "Alexander", he said half surprised, half shocked. At least seeing Alec had some effect on the other man. Now the woman looked up to. Her brown eyes met his and she half smiled at him.
„Oh God I'm so sorry", Alec stammered. "I didn't know you had company. I didn't even know you were here. I got your message so I came to collect my things and…" He stopped and looked at Magnus. His hair stood up in its usual manner and his eyes were full of glitter. Those eyes that used to look at him with so much love and passion but had now turned cold and distant.
"Something unexpected came up Alexander. I forgot that I told you to come tonight." The words where like knives cutting into him. Magnus had forgotten about it? About him? He could feel the tears swelling up in him but did his best to hinder them from showing.
"Well then I – I better go now. I'm so sorry I disturbed you." Alec turned around and reached for the door when the woman spoke for the first time.
Please stay. I'll go I came here without calling first and ruined whatever plans you had. So –"
"We didn't have any plans. Alexander came to collect the stuff he left in my apartment. He can do it now. Please stay Tessa. We haven't seen each other in such a long time."
"No buts. I'll see him out. Make yourself comfortable while I'm gone." With that Magnus stood up, walked towards Alec and touched his shoulder lightly to turn him around. The touch made Alec jerk and Magnus immediately drew his hand away.
"I packed all of your things into a box. It's in the bedroom." "
Thank you, I guess."
"Look Alec, I am really sorry about how this turned out but it's not my fault."
"I know it isn't. It's mine for wanting to know more about you. But let it be. We already talked about this. I can't change what I did and you can't trust me anymore. End of story." Alec wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. He had wished for a chance to talk it over with Magnus but now it felt so wrong. With that woman in the apartment just waiting for Magnus to return to do whatever they were doing before he came in. It made him sick. Without any hesitation Alec picked up the big box the warlock had prepared and walked to the front door. He had already half opened it when he turned around again.
"Who is she", Alec asked and tried to sound calm.
"An old friend but that really doesn't concern you anymore Alexander."
"I guess it doesn't", he answered swallowing hard. "I just didn't think you would be so quick to replace me." Magnus's eyes narrowed but he didn't say anything.
"I guess this is goodbye then?"
"Yes it is. Goodbye Alexander Lightwood."
"Bye", was all Alec could answer. In one fluent motion he was out of the door and running down the steps. When the front door closed behind him, Alec sank down and let the tears flow.
Magnus closed the door quietly and sighed. Seeing Alec again had brought all the emotions and memories he had tried so hard to bury back. The young Shadowhunter still meant the world to him and if he hadn't been sure about that before he was certainly now. But it still didn't change what Alec had done.
The warlock straightened his shoulders, took a deep breath and stepped back into the living room with a smile.
"Where were we Tessa dear?"
"Who was he?" Magnus dropped his smile and took place in a chair opposite of her.
"He was no one."
"You don't think I believe that do you? A young Shadowhunter coming to your house to collect some stuff he forgot? Sounds like a story."
"He was my ex-boyfriend if you must now. But that is in the past."
"You went out with a Shadowhunter? How did that happen?"
"It's a long story Tessa and I don't want to talk about it."
"I don't want to interfere in your love life Magnus but are you sure it's in the past? I like to think I've gotten to know you pretty well over the last century and I've never seen you look at someone the way you look at him. And he seemed very shocked to see me here."
"It's true that I might still have feelings for him but it doesn't matter." Tessa sat up indignantly.
"How can love not matter?" When Magnus raised his hands and was about to change the topic Tessa cut him off. "I know you said you don't want to talk, but think about it. I might be the only one you can talk to about this. Might be the only one who understands." Maybe she was right. It had been a really long time since someone, apart from Alec, had listened to his problems. Magnus took a deep breath and began.
He told Tessa about how they met for the first time on one of his parties. How he had seen him, looked into his eyes and was fascinated by the young Shadowhunter at first sight. How he had waited for Alec to call him and his amusement when he showed up at his doorstep.
Then he told her how desperate it had made Alec to know that while he would turn old and grey, Magnus would always stay the same. And that, no matter what he told him, the young man always had expected Magnus to leave him one day. At last he told her about Camille, what she had said about Will and her offer. Told Tessa how much it had hurt him that Alec even considered it for one little moment and that he went to see her more than once.
"It's true", Tessa said after he had finished, "he does look a lot like Will." And after some time she added: "Is it possible that he is –" "
No, he's not"; Magnus cut her off. "His full name is Alexander Lightwood. I looked into his family tree ones. He is Cecily's Great-great-great-great-grandson. He doesn't resemble Will but his sister."
"Cecily, huh? So practically I'm his aunt in some way." Tessa had to laugh. "I know why warlocks aren't able to have children. It feels so strange looking at people your own age and realizing that in some way you're related to them going decades or even centuries back."
"I envy you though. Because you can have children, a family. That is something I always dreamed of."
"Don't. Being able to have children is no blessing for an immortal being. It's a curse. Yes I had children as you know and I was so happy and I loved James and Lucie more than my life. I lived a normal life as a normal woman until –."
"Until William died."
"Yes. Will's death made me realize that I was living a lie. That I could never have a normal life. That it didn't count how much I loved my children or what I was willing to sacrifice for them because in the end I would be the one to bury them and not the other way around. I ran from them because I knew I would go insane if I had to watch them die as well. I don't have to tell you about this for you were the one who helped me to get over Will's death. But even if it was painful I still cherish the memories I have left and whenever I think about the times we had it makes me feel human. Love is wonderful, Magnus. Don't give up on it so easily. 'Most people are lucky to have even one great love in their life.' Do you remember that Magnus?"
"No, should I?"
"Woolsey Scott told me that when I was trying to decide between Will and Jem. He was right. True love is something you have to cherish. Something that maybe comes to you only once in a life time. And for what I heard from you about your Alexander I think he is your true love."
"Yes", Magnus said with a sad smile. "I think so too. But I'm scared Tessa. He wants to know about my past but what if he doesn't like what he hears. I've done things in the past that were necessary but still wrong. And then there is always that nagging voice in my head that tells me that one day he'll be gone and I'll be alone. Being a warlock is all I've ever known and I love being me and doing what I do but I even thought about letting go of all this, becoming mortal, just to be with him. I have never felt like this in my entire existence and I don't know if I can just go on without him."
"And because of that fear you would let happiness slip through your fingers?" Magnus thought about this for a long time.
"You're right", he said finally. "I should probably talk to him." Magnus buried his face in his hands. "God, how can an 18-year-old boy make me feel like I have no experience at all?" Tessa laughed.
"Just talk to him and you might find out." After a moment Magnus looked up again.
"Thank you Tessa for listening to me."
"You did the same for me and I'll never forget about that."
The ringing of the doorbell echoed through the Institute and mixed with the drumming of the rain against the windows. Alec tried to ignore it but it wouldn't stop. Normally he would have waited until someone else would open the door but everyone was out today. Annoyed he got up and walked to the huge door and opened it. Outside in the pouring rain stood –
"Magnus", Alec stuttered. His ex-boyfriend was really the last person he had expected. "What are you doing here? I thought you said everything you had to the last time we met. Apart from that it seems like you have found yourself a nice replace – ", Alec said but Magnus cut him off with a kiss. First the Shadowhunter froze in surprise over the action and shock over the cold wetness of Magnus' clothes but soon he gave into the kiss, wrapped his arms around Magnus and let himself fall. He didn't care if the warlock got him all wet; Alec even pressed himself tighter against him. It didn't matter why he was kissing him all of a sudden or why he had come here in the middle of that rainy night. All that mattered was that he was here now and that Alec was able to feel the man he loved one more time as he had imagined the past days. When they broke the kiss it felt as if hours had past. Magnus still held Alec's head in both hands, their eyes locked and they both were breathing heavily.
"Alexander", Magnus said and brushed over his cheekbone with one thumb. Taking his hands from Magnus' neck Alec said:
"You`re completely drenched. Don't you want to come in and warm yourself?"
"Are – are you sure", the warlock asked half stretching his hand out to him.
"I am sure Magnus. I haven't been surer before in my life", Alec answered, took the hand and pulled him inside.
"There is no one home but me. I made a fire in my room you can dry yourself there. What did you think coming here without any protection from the rain? I am sure there is some spell to keep you from getting wet."
"I didn't think", Magnus said when they entered Alec's room. The fire almost made his face glow. "I never do when I am around you Alec." There was nothing he could have said to that so Alec kept silent and just looked at him in astonishment. Then he saw that the warlock was still dripping wet and cleared his throat.
"Wait I'll get you a towel and some dry clothes." Magnus just nodded and watched Alec take out a towel, some pants and an old hoodie from his wardrobe. It was almost as if Alec could feel his eyes on his back and he quickly turned around again and handed him the clothes and the towel.
"Here you go."
"Thanks", Magnus said and started undressing himself. Quickly Alec looked down. Not that he had never seen the warlock naked, quite the contrary, but in their current situation it was kind of awkward.
"I'm done Alec, you can look up again", he said after a moment and Alec could hear the amusement in his voice. Magnus looked so different in Alec's clothes. So casual.
"I wasn't deliberately looking away, I just wanted – Whatever, why are you here Magnus? And why the hell did you kiss me? I thought you never wanted to see me again and now this."
"I've been a jerk Alec and I want to apologize for that. It's true that when I first found out that you've been secretly meeting with Camille I was hurt and felt betrayed. But that wasn't the only reason why I broke up with you. I took it as an excuse while I am scared of the same thing that drove you towards her. What I feel about you is something I have never felt for another person in my entire life and that is a very long time. It scares me as much as you that you'll be getting older and I won't. But while you were afraid I'd leave you, which I never would I swear, I am afraid that I won't be able to go on without you. That if I continue getting closer and closer to you there will be a point where it will kill me to lose you but being apart from you and seeing how bad you looked when you came to my apartment made me realize that I had already crossed that point a long time ago. And that giving up on you now would be a worse pain than anything else. So please Alec let's forget about this and be together." Alec couldn't help smiling like an idiot.
"You really mean that?"
"Do you seriously think I would come all the way from Brooklyn to make fun of you?" He shook his head in response and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend.
"No I didn't. I just wanted to hear you say it."
"I love you Alexander Lightwood. I'll always love you and I'll never leave you again I promise. From now on I will tell you about my past and everything you want to know if you just trust me and stop being so damn insecure."
"I'll stop, promise", Alec whispered and kissed him deeply. "I love you too Magnus."
And that's it! Again thx for reading and leave me a Review if you liked it ;)
God they just have to come back together in CoHF!