Title: Do I love thee the way thou lovest me? Part 1
Author: Sorceress Fantasia
Pairing: 1+2, implied 3+4
Warnings: Lime, Relena bashing, sap?, down-playing of the war in general, TWT, a little AU
Disclaimer: The GW boys do not belong to me in any form or shape. I'm just borrowing them for a little fun. *wink*
Note: The following are excerpts from Duo's diary, so don't be surprised as to why the dates jump around so much. For the purpose of this fic, endless waltz did not happen. And this ficcy is dedicated to my country, which just celebrated its 37th birthday. Happy birthday!
15th January AC 195
Hey Solo! I told you a couple days ago Heero and I were gonna pose as students in this school, right? Well, we're here now and I'm having so much fun. I've made new friends, dissed the cafeteria food and really ticked off a couple of the teachers already. Especially the physics teacher. It's not my fault that I know more about mechanics than him. Yeah, so I don't listen to his class or do the work he assigns. But, hey! C'mon! Like I said, it ain't my fault. And the civics teacher's a real witch. W-I-T-C-H. No, she hasn't progressed to the stage where I gotta change that 'W' to a 'B' yet, but I think that won't last for long. I've still got the Maxwell charms too. At least five girls have already moved in on me, and I think that was when I started to lose count. But you know what? I think Heero is more of a girl magnet than I am. He's got quite a few propositions too. But the most incredible thing is that Relena Peacecraft is chasing after him. Yeah, she came to our school today in her *pink* (not that I have anything against the car, but pink and such a cool thing just don't go together, if you know what I mean) limo and went around asking for Heero. Out of the corner of my eye (I don't invade on private moments like this, but it doesn't mean I don't 'accidentally' see them), I saw something really absurd. Hold the papers and call the press, man! Heero- the- perfect- soldier- and- I'm- not- scared- of- anything- including- setting- my- own- leg- Yuy actually cringed! It was just a little and went away kinda quickly, but I'm positive it was there. He *cringed*. Anyway, I left there and then, since I didn't wanna play 'gooseberry'. Of course I stayed somewhere discreet to watch the whole thing play out, Solo! So with me out of the picture, Relena advanced quickly on her man, but Heero moved away even quicker. He just gave her the patented Glare of Doom (TM) and muttered… *drum rolls* 'Omae o korosu.' It didn't work though. It's either Relena's immune to it, or she desperately needs a new J-E dictionary. So Heero went away and she just left. Heh… I thought she'd be more persistent than that.
16th January AC 195
I'm retracting what I said yesterday, Solo. Relena *is* the personification of persistence. I told you that she left after Heero brushed her off. Yeah, she left the area, but she didn't leave the school compound. She had gone to the principal's office and demanded a place immediately. Gods. So she's a student here too, and extremely 'coincidentally', she's got the exact same classes as Heero. Luckily, I only have a few lessons with Heero, so I don't have to see her going ga ga all over him. It's disgusting seeing most of the school population hanging onto her every word like it's the Good Book. Geez! Get a life! And she keeps batting those eyes of hers at the teachers. What's she trying to do? Bribe the teachers? Yeah, I think they'll do anything just to make her stop. She keeps batting them at Heero too. I suppose she thinks she's got a power station inside her or something. But honestly, she won't be able to even electrocute a man in water. Luckily, we'll be leaving this hellhole tomorrow. I'd love to get a picture of her when she discovers 'her Heero' is missing suddenly, but no thank you. I'm not gonna stay here and be disgusted by her again.
20th March AC 195
That Relena gave a speech about world peace over the TV today. Everyone who listened to her, clapped generously for she struck a chord with them. All she touched on were for the rich and influential. Aristocrats. Like herself. Did she even think of or remember us, the poor and powerless? Of course not. How can she remember us when all she knows is her ivory tower and other superficial things from textbooks? She doesn't know what it is like to grow up on the streets, to have to steal and prostitute to survive. To have to scavenge your food from rubbish cans and water from broken pipes. To have to sleep on the cold, hard ground. That water is too much of a luxury to bath with. She doesn't understand. Her ideal world is pristine and pure, and there is no place for the soiled and tainted.
I am angry, Solo. Her peace does not include us.
19th April AC 195
Che! If you were alive, Solo, I'd be willing to bet a freakin' cuisine that you'd be royally pissed off by her too! I still can't believe that Relena gal! She tracked down Heero again today at school. We were just walking through the school compound for our next lesson when she appeared, and immediately, she latched onto Heero's arms like a leech. And me, being the friend that I am, tried to pry her off after the fifth 'omae o korosu'. I swear that she's got a built-in immunization from those death threats. Yeah, I succeeded pretty easily, since Heero shoved her away so forcefully. He virtually vanished after that, and I didn't see him until nighttime. But that's not the point! The point is, I was left there dangling with her! Somehow, for reasons still unknown to me and I think I can safely assume the whole of humanity as well, she thought that I was standing between her and Heero! I know people can get delusional when they're upset, but this girl made it into an art! So she started to pound me with her –cripes- gaudy *pink* handbag! Eww! Stop laughing, Solo! I had to skip classes and go wash my hair with extra strong shampoo just to get rid of that slimy feeling! And while she was clobbering me, she practically screamed my ears off. I don't think I've ever heard anyone curse that fluently before. Yeah, and that includes you, buddy! Just when I was wondering where the heck was the supposedly well-bred, polite pacifist she was brought up to be, she landed me with one the worst insults I've ever heard. It was the same one those jerks in school used to call me, when I was still living in the Maxwell Church. She actually called me that! A gutter rat! I was boiling mad, I tell ya! But she didn't stop there, and the insults got worse and worse. I was all ready to rip her guts out when her driver came along to pick her up. He just dragged her along like this was an everyday occurrence, and apologized to me on her behalf. But that can't placate me. Calling me a gutter rat? Hmph! If she had left a second later, I'd have… Geez! You don't have to rub it in, Solo! I know she's important to achieving peace, which is why I can't do a freakin' thing to her… I wanna scream~!
21st April AC 195
The mission's over. But the stupid Heero just had to take a bullet meant for me! He just pushed me aside suddenly and got hit instead. It just grazed over his arm, and I am thankful for that. But his wounds have gotten infected. He's now delirious with fever, and I'm stuck in the safehouse, looking after him. I don't have many supplies to last long. Hope he'll come to fast. Help him, Solo.
22nd April AC 195
Heero still hasn't woken up. I had to go a pharmacy and get some drugs and fresh bandages for him. He soaked the ones I left on him yesterday, and he's still feverish. Is he gonna wake up? I'm worried.
23rd April AC 195
It's been three days, and Heero has shown no signs of waking up anytime soon. But at least I've gotten his fever under control. It's not too high now, and I think a few more dosage should bring it down completely. He's been moaning and wincing all day long, though. I think I've heard him call my name too, but I'm not too sure. In fact, I heard something that vaguely sounded like 'Suki da, Duo'. I must be hearing things. The day he'll say that is the day pigs will fly. But… I wonder what's he dreaming about.
24th April AC 195
It's day four, and Heero has made a turn for the better. His fever is gone, and I've taken away the bulky bandages. He can do without them now, but I'm still giving him a couple of smaller ones just in case. All in all, he's doing fine. He's still rambling though. He said it again. 'Suki da, Duo'. He likes me. A lot. I don't know what to say… how am I supposed to react? Or say? I have never thought about our relationship much, just taking it for granted that he's my best pal. Now that I've heard his confession, I'm lost. Somehow, I think a dark part of me hopes that he'll never wake up, so I never have to think about this. But… I want him to. I'll deal with it when it does come. After all, he might have said it in delirium, but there's hardly any chance of him saying it to me while conscious. It's just not possible.
25th April AC 195
GODS, Solo! Heero finally woke up today! I'm so happy I could just do the chicken dance! Ya know, that dance where you cluck and flap your hands like they're potential KFC chicken wings? Yeah, that one. Anyway, he's well on the road of recovery now, and I can finally stop worrying so much and catch some forty winks.
However he hasn't been able to meet my eyes the whole day, somehow. He's been so quiet it scares me. I know he's always quiet, but this quietness is different. Calm before the storm? I don't know. I think he's re-evaluating our relationship or something like that. I'm just glad he didn't say anything about it. But how long will that last? I have the sneaking suspicion that he will broach the issue sometime soon. I just hope he'll give me enough time to think it through. It's confusing, you know? I mean… your best buddy suddenly says that he loves you? Feels like I'm watching some soap opera. It's just so unimaginable that Heero'd feel that way towards me. After all, he never did give me any hints, and he didn't exactly seem to reciprocate my friendship much. It's like I befriended him against his will or something.
I'm afraid that if this doesn't work out, our friendship will fall apart. Heero has been a wonderful friend to me, and I don't want to lose a friend this good just because of me unable to return his romantic feelings. Tell me, Solo. What should I do?
26th April AC 195
I was pretty much gonna avoid Heero for the next few days, cause I still ain't got a clue as to how to deal with that sensitive subject. I mean, what am I gonna say if he admits it? I still don't know how I feel about him, really. I didn't want to lie to him, either. But no~! He just had to drop the bombshell on me today! I had just given him his medication, made sure he swallowed them, and was about to leave when he said, "Dai suki, Duo." He said it loud and clear, so I can't pretend that I missed it. So in my shock, I just stood there like a deer in headlights, jaws so slack I swear you could stuff a fish in it and I wouldn't notice a thing! Honestly, I never thought that it was for real, that he was caught in some nightmare or a parody of a screwed up dream, much less say it out loud, to me! It was impossible! After all, wasn't the knight in shining armor supposed to be with the beautiful princess? I may be beautiful, but I sure as hell ain't a princess! Then again, neither is he a knight. Both of us are bringers of death, neither innocent like a princess or noble like a knight. Are we entitled to a luxury such as love? I'm not sure how to love. I told him that, and he said he understood because that was what had gone through his mind when he first admitted to himself that he loved me. But he made me promise to think about it and to not let it ruin our friendship if there can't be anything more than that. I know better, though. Things will never be the same. I've never seen him so despondent.
27th April AC 195
I didn't sleep the previous night. Or rather, I *couldn't*. Heero's confession is still running a marathon in my head, and I can't stop thinking about it. I don't understand? Just what does he see in me? I'm shinigami, and no one has ever lived long enough to love death. That aside, he and I are polar opposites. He is ice and I am fire. He is the earth and I am the sky. He is heaven and I am hell. But when I think about it, maybe we are more alike that I'd like to admit. We are both guests at a masquerade, hiding behind our own masks. His of cold regime and mine of warm smiles. But underneath the masks, both of us are more lost than a sheep away from its flock. We have no real goals in life other than the next mission and meal. We have no idea what to hope for, and what we need. Despite the confusion, we are both determined and persevering individuals with the same hard-headedness.
Another thing to add onto my bewilderment is when. When did Heero fall in love with me? As far as I can remember, I don't think I've ever done anything to spark it. Sure, I flirted with him, but I flirt with *everyone*. I talked a lot to him, but I talk a lot to *every* living thing I see. I smiled at him, but those smiles weren't private. I smiled for many things and people.
And why? As in, why now? We've known each other for months already, so what prompted him to admit it now?
So I asked him this morning. He said that I astounded him. I'm a soldier, a puppet in the war. Yet I didn't lose my innocence, my cheerfulness, my optimism. I was different from others, so different that he felt wary of me in the beginning. He suspected that I had some evil plot to ruin the colonies, or that I was a spy for OZ disguised as a gundam pilot. He didn't like me back then. Not a bit of good sentiments towards me, he said. But that changed soon, after he witnessed my piloting skills and efficiency in completing missions. He listened to me talk, and found my thoughts to be rather insightful. He heard about my past, and felt shocked that I could remain cheery after all that I'd gone through. So he finally realized that I was worthy of a gundam as much as he was. He wanted to understand me, because I was so different. So he started to observe me, and that observation soon became an obsession. He wanted to know where I was and what I was doing every time I wasn't within his sight. He couldn't stop thinking of me. He couldn't stop protecting me, in anyway he could. But the most important thing is that I *never* called him by his designated number. Even Quatre had done it before. But I had stood with my policy of never calling anyone by their numbers.
He couldn't answer the 'when' question though. Said it was over the whole time he knew me. Maybe there was an attraction even when I shot him.
He also told me that he felt the sudden urge to tell me now because that gunshot and of his nightmare while he had been unconscious. He had been afraid for me when that bullet came towards me. Afraid that I wouldn't be alive to hear his confession, and to never see me again. It was on pure instincts that he jumped in front of me and shielded me with his body. And during his 'coma', his mind had been filled with images of me. Of me hurt, bleeding, and even dying. He didn't want that. He wanted images of *us* together.
I'm still confused towards my own feelings. I know I like him a lot, but does that equate to love? I'd admit that he's one of the most attractive male species I've ever known, and that I'm turned on by his bod. But that's lust, not love. I like talking to him cause he's intelligent, but that's a confidant, not a lover. I enjoy his company, but I enjoy many people's company too. Is there anything I can relate to Heero only? Something that borders on love?
You can't help me with this one, Solo. I gotta figure it out for myself.
12th May AC 195
Guess what, Solo? I've just become the lucky victim of the cosmic joke of the millennium. Yeah, I'm assigned to protect that Peacecraft gal for her speech tomorrow. Remind me to shoot Doctor G after the war, would ya? Geez! Of all the pilots, they just had to choose me! Why couldn't they choose the ever diplomat Quatre? He'd make an excellent escort, I tell ya! And while he's at it, he might as well do the speech for her! I swear he can do it even better than that phony pacifist! Or even Wufei? So what if he disrespects women in general? Most probably, he'd do me a favour and kill her before any assassins can.
Relena wasn't too pleased with the arrangement either when she discovered I would be the one protecting her instead of Heero. Apparently, she's still upset about him disappearing on her in our last school. She still doesn't get it, does she? For a politician, she's pretty dense when it comes to her love life. Not that she has one with Heero.
Talking about Heero, I haven't seen him for the last two weeks. I hope I can meet him soon, so I can make sure he's okay. Not that I've figured out what to do with his admission. I still haven't come to a conclusion yet. Somehow, my thoughts center around the same ones every time I think of it. I like him a lot, but I can't tell if that's love or friendship. Are my feelings towards him platonic?
I can't think too much tonight. I gotta wake up really early tomorrow for my mission.
13th May AC 195
The mission this afternoon was a success. I managed to stop the would-be sniper even before he had a chance to draw out his gun. He had been acting all suspicious, so it wasn't too hard to guess.
Anyway, Relena blew up at me for that. She said it was unreasonable of me to suspect a person just because he was 'walking and talking funny'. It could've been signs of nervousness, she said. Yeah, right. Of course he's nervous. Nervous about killing you, bitch. She also said that since I had based my suspicion on unreasonable things, it would be disastrous if I hurt an innocent. Sheesh! Just what is her deal? Is she trying to tell me that I can't trust my instincts? Che! Without those instincts, she wouldn't even be able to say all that crap to me! I'd been living on the streets on L2 while she was in her mansion still wearing diapers and sucking on her pacifier, and reading people is a must-have skill if you are living like me. You had to tell whether the person you see on the sidewalk was a predator or prey, and I've never been wrong. Except Heero.
Then she went on to compare me with Heero. She kept saying things like, "If only Heero were here, he would…" Let me tell ya this, lady. I am a gundam pilot, and you are an arrogant princess who hollers about pacifism. How can our mindsets be the same? Much less you and Heero being on the same wavelength. If Heero were here, he would have done the same thing with even more aggression. But you wouldn't bat an eye then, would you?
I know that she dislikes me. It's so obvious. But, I can safely tell her that the feeling's mutual.
23rd May AC 195
I finally see Heero again after a little more than two weeks. He didn't ask me for my answer, and I'm glad for that. Yeah, I still ain't prepared. Enough said.
Anyway, that hellhound tracked him down. Again. Did she plant a homing device on Heero or what? She tried to act all coy while hanging all over him like some jellyfish, and Heero kept looking in my direction like he's willing me to understand that he can't just shake her off and shoot her. I understand. Of course I do. But what was that for? He doesn't want me to be jealous of her? Honestly, I didn't feel any, although I did feel a little weird. Weird because… actually, I can't figure this out for the life of me. It feels a little empty and intangible. I'm not sure.
But I think we should both expect to see her in class tomorrow.
24th May AC 195
Surprise, surprise. Miss. Spoilt Brat was indeed in all of our classes today. Even physical education. Yeah, so she was having a hard time playing netball while ogling Heero. Well, that happened in every class, although it was more blatantly obvious during that lesson. Too bad some nice gal blocked that ball headed straight for her face. I would have loved to see her makeup all mussed up.
And while she drooled over him, she managed to save some time for me. How fortunate. She insulted me at every opportunity she got, and before I knew it, she and a small clique of friends were picking on me during lunch break. Had Heero not been there, things would have gotten very messy. Literally.
I'm too mad at her to do much today. Che. I hate being unproductive.
Hey Solo. Is it possible that you blacklist her for me? Ya know, in that place where you are now?
26th May AC 195
Sorry, Solo. Didn't report to you last night, but I was busy.
I slept with Heero. Yeah, slept. Told him that I love him too, and well… I guess he really wanted me. Why else would he have one whole tube of lube ready? In fact, I think he has more in his bag pack.
Anyway, it all started with Relena this late evening. I was returning to my dorm room after dinner, and some god's dry sense of humour made us meet in the hallway. Somehow, I got into an argument with her again, and somewhere along the lines, she got so agitated she actually slapped me! And she didn't stop there. In short, she was provoking me into a catfight with her with all those clawing and hair-pulling. Heero passed by just as she slapped me, and boy, was he mad! He was so angry he just shoved Relena onto the ground so hard I bet she has a bruise on her ass now. She deserves it! Anyway, he grabbed my arm firmly and led me into our dorm room after that. I think he was kinda upset, cause he kept looking at me with that doe look. He made me sit down at the edge of the bed, and set a wet towel to the cheek Relena slapped. For some reasons, he felt responsible for it and apologized to me. But when I heard him say all that, I started to boil over. From the very first time I've met her, she's managed to find faults with me, and she's not afraid to voice them. She's been unreasonable, impolite, prejudicial towards me, and has pummeled me with her handbag, insulted me, slapped me. I hate her holier-than-thou attitude. I hate the way she hangs onto Heero. I hate the way people on the colonies and Earth like her. I hate everything about her.
Then all of a sudden, something fell into place. I wanted revenge, yet not kill her or hurt her physically. And then, Heero's voice broke my trance. The words spilled out of my mouth before I could stop them. I said 'I love you', and everything started to go on in auto gear. Before I knew what was happening, I was already lying in a pile of sweaty limbs with him.
He is really gentle towards me. And he kept telling me how happy he was to finally have me. When it was all over, he pulled me onto his body, letting my head lie on his chest. As he stroked my loose hair with one hand and wrapped the other around me, I could feel his smile.
I feel guilty, Solo. Did I lie to him? Do I really love him, or did I just go to bed with him as revenge against Relena? I'm so confused and scared.
27th May AC 195
My guilt is eating at me. I've been so distracted the whole day. So distracted that I nearly handed in my Geography assignment during my History lesson, sat stiffer than a statue when the class clown (No, that's not me. I'm just his follow-up.) cracked an extremely stupid joke, called a Chinese classmate Wufei and his girlfriend Nataku, nearly went into the Ladies, filled my name as 'Shinigami' for my chemistry worksheet (I changed that before I handed in though, luckily), brought a physics textbook into my literature class, and ate my soup with a fork. If Heero hadn't stopped me, I think I'd be confused as to why I was still hungry after lunch. And Heero… he's worried about me. I can tell, and I'm not the only one. His concern is rather noticeable to everyone, and some of them… well, all I can say is that some of our classmates nearly had to go to the hospital to screw back their jaws when Heero asked me if I was okay.
He doesn't want the school to know about us yet. So he still puts up that cold act in public, although it's not that convincing anymore. His eyes are still warm, and he doesn't like to leave me for long. But in private, he seems like a completely different person. He just can't get enough of me, I guess. His hands roam my body like an explorer exploring virgin land, and he kisses me everywhere he can reach. He has a special attraction for my braid too, and he enjoys securing it in his hands. Says it keeps me near him. I can't believe this is the same Heero Yuy as I'd met on Earth for the first time. Who would have thought him to be such an… idiot about love? And I sure as hell didn't expect to become the sole receiver of his affections.
For some reasons I don't know and don't want to know, Miss. Pushy didn't go to classes today. Good thing for her too. She'd either burst an artery or blow a fuse if she saw Heero fussing over me. I can just see it in the headlines. 'Renowned Politician Goes Crazy After Seeing Crush's Lover'. Geez.
I've to stop writing now. Heero's coming out of the shower and he's heading straight for me, with only a towel on his waist. Jaa, Solo!