A/N - This is a 3 part outtake from The Art of Getting Fluffed. It fits in between chapters 29 and 30 in the story, and when it's complete we'll slot it right along in there (that's what she said). In the meantime, enjoy!

Chapter 1 – The Loin King

EPOV

EPOV

"Are you nearly ready?" I watch Bella stuff yet another sparkly dress into her case, the bulging lid barely closing as she leans her scant body weight on it, her exasperation clear as she can't pull the zipper shut. I lope over and lean my arms down, my extra bulk lending enough purchase for her to zip it tight, though the strain on the fabric looks pretty precarious to me.

"I think so." She runs a hand through her hair, her lips twitching as she stares up at me. "I may have over-packed."

I splutter a little. Experience has taught me to answer her will only end in tears. Probably my own.

"I mean, what the hell do you wear to a porn expo anyway?" Fluff starts to pace the room, and I feel myself cowering into the wall, her nervous energy making me ... well ... nervous.

"I've packed a tux." I'm nothing if not helpful.

"Gah! It's okay for men. Going to a wedding? Wear a tux. Off to an awards ceremony? Wear a tux. About to face an adoring herd of scantily clad women as they reach for your junk and rub their dirty tits over your body ..."

She doesn't need to complete the sentence for me to get the implication.

"Hey!" I cower further into the cold plaster of the wall. "This whole thing isn't my fault. It was Jasper's idea."

Fuck Jasper and his emotional blackmail. As soon as he heard I was baulking over attending my final Adult Video News awards, he played the sympathy card, telling me I owed him for letting me out of my contract early. The least I could do was network for a final time, getting us contacts for our production company.

It honestly seemed like a good idea at the time.

"I'm sure you'll look beautiful no matter what you wear." I reach out and tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear. My fingers linger on the sensitive skin of her neck, burning against her flesh. My cock twitches and I'm reminded it's been two weeks since I last had sex. My rod of steel is feeling like an active volcano about to erupt, liquid boiling beneath it like molten lava.

I'd once told Bella she was like my own, personal brand of Viagra. In retrospect, this was an understatement. She's much more potent and addictive. I've never heard of Viagra giving anybody a two-week-long hard-on, which is essentially what Bella Swan has managed to create in me.

And no amount of salami slapping has cooled my ardour.

Believe me, I've tried.

"What time are they getting here?" Fluff tries to haul her case off the bed, but it refuses to budge, making me laugh at the determined look on her face as she keeps tugging to no avail. I lean over and lift it easily, earning a raised eyebrow, reminding me not to tell exactlyhow I managed to achieve this level of upper body strength.

She doesn't want to know.

"Jasper just called. They're leaving now." I don't tell her he's borrowed a car from her dad. I think this piece of information might just push her over the edge.

We walk down the hallway, our bodies pressed against each other as I haul her big-ass case with my right arm. My biceps flex as the weight pulls against me, and I notice her eyes staring at my bulging muscles.

Shame it's the wrong bulge she's got her gaze fixed on.

As we reach the living room, there's a loud bang as the front door flies open and Alice stalks in, a scarf wound around her hair, brown tortoise-shell glasses perched primly on her nose. There's a noise behind her and it takes my eyes a moment to acclimatise. I blink a couple of times as Jasper walks in, unwilling to believe what they're trying to tell me.

He's wearing a tweed jacket, a red-paisley cravat tucked jauntily into the 'v' of his crisp white shirt, his curly blond hair straightened to within an inch of its life. I bite on my lip not to laugh, my resolve weakening as soon as I hear Fluff's cackles resonating in my ears.

"Oh my God, it's Thelma and Her Squeeze."

I'd laugh louder, but I actually made that movie back in 2007.

"You can shut up, Cullen." Jasper flounces into the living room, reaching for Bella's case. As soon as he wrests it out of my grasp, he drops it on the carpet, hands rubbing his muscles as he stares at it like it's some kind of predator. "What the hell is in that case? A dead body?"

I smirk at Fluff and she swats me, the corner of her lip quirking into a smile.

Christ, I love that girl.

What?

I'm still confused as we head for the elevator, leaving the first floor apartment on our way to the parking lot. Fluff and Alice are talking in tongues, their rapid-fire discussion shooting straight over my head. Jasper is pulling at his cravat like it's an anaconda wrapped around his neck, his obvious discomfort meaning nothing to Alice. She manages to carry on her conversation with Fluff and slap at his hand at the same time.

I swear women are born being able to multi-task.

We walk out of the apartment building, the evening sun painting the sky an orange-pink, the warmth of the day still lingering in the air as we make our way to the car.

To the blue '66 T-bird convertible Jasper has somehow managed to persuade Charlie Swan to lend him. I flinch when I remember exactly what we hold over him; the whole mustached-muff dive in the hot tub extravaganza I'm still trying to bleach out of my brain.

Because, Christ, who wants to see their girlfriend's dad doing that?

"Oh my God! You really did go all out." Bella runs her hands over the paintwork, her eyes lighting up as she caresses the fender. "I can't believe my dad let you borrow this."

Jasper grins, his teeth sparking against the red of his cravat. "It just took a little gentle persuasion."

We put our cases in the roomy trunk, Jasper sliding in behind the wheel as Alice calls shotgun. I'm more than happy to spend the long drive lounging on the backseat with Bella, knowing she'll be a captive audience for my more ... desperate attentions.

We've barely pulled out of the lot before we hit the first traffic jam. The engine idles loudly as Jasper hits the dashboard in frustration. I take the opportunity to scoot a little closer to Fluff, running a single finger down her exposed thighs, trying not to hold my breath as her skin explodes into goose bumps.

I lean in to whisper in her ear, "I can't wait to get you alone in our hotel room. I've brought a few toys for us to play with."

A rosy-pink blush steals its way up her neck, flooding her cheeks as her breath hitches. I capture her earlobe between my teeth, flicking it lightly with my tongue before releasing it and sitting back, smirking at her obvious arousal.

"I'm sharing with Alice." Her voice is shaky as she replies.

Alice's head whips around, her eyes narrowing as she stares at Fluff. Their exchange of glances lasts for a minute, their expressions morphing constantly as their silent conversation turns into a battle. Finally Bella leans back with a huff, folding her arms tightly across her chest.

"Apparently, I'm not sharing with Alice."

I choke back a laugh. There's a toy in my case I'm determined to use on her all weekend, its wide girth an approximation of my own, rather impressive, tumescence.

Okay, so I've made a dildo of my own cock, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure most men would do it, given the chance. It just so happens it's the first in my new line of 'Battery Toys', a career move I'm hoping will make up for my early departure from the porn scene. I'm not sure how she'll feel about a rubber copy of my cock being sold to women across the country, but I'm hoping she'll prefer it to the real thing being used on celluloid.

I spend the next hour teasing Bella to a frenzy, using just the pads of my fingers and little nips from my teeth to make her quiver as she tries to swallow her moans and sit as if nothing is going on. I'm kind of horny watching her hide her arousal, my cock straining against stiff denim, but I'm content to keep things at this level, hoping by the time we reach the Bellagio she'll be ready to devour me, her fear of the full twelve inches disappearing beneath her desperation for my cock.

Well, that's the plan.

It seems to be going well right up to the point when smoke starts to billow from under the hood. The black vapour makes us choke as the wind pushes it toward us, eyes watering from the sting on the back of our throats. I cough loudly, my skin itching from the oil-filled smoke, then look over at Bella whose red face looks worryingly shocked.

"You okay?" I lean my head out of the car in search of fresh air. Inhaling a lungful, I lean across and put my mouth against hers, blowing clean air through her sweet lips. She takes it in gratefully, her bulging eyes thankful as I blow again, her shoulders sagging with relief as Jasper pulls over to the side of the road.

It's nearly ten o'clock at night, and we're in the middle of the desert, but the road is still full of cars so I'm not too worried about our fate. I mean, it's not like we're the cast of Scooby Doo or anything, and we're definitely not going to come face-to-face with a scary serial killer who specialises in ex-porn stars and their entourage.

Though my eyes do keep wandering over to Jasper's cravat. It's not far off from Fred's orange ascot tie in the cartoon.

Which I guess would make me Shaggy.

I get a twinge that we never made a porn parody of that shit. For the first time, I realize I'm going to miss my career. I'm never going to dip my wick in front of a thousand adoring voyeurs again.

As soon as Jasper parks up on the sand, we pile out, Bella stabbing furiously at her phone and lifting it to her shell-like ear. She barks angrily down the mouthpiece, and I assume she's talking to Charlie, her brows furrowed as she listens to his replies.

"How long's that going to take?" Her voice is almost a growl, and I'm delighted it's not me at the end of her telephonic tirade. Though I suspect if this relationship is to progress, I will definitely be in that place soon.

Somehow I relish the thought.

"Ugh. Alright then, we'll just have to find another route. I'll talk to you later." She punches the 'off' button then puts her phone back in her shorts angrily, her eyes watery as she looks at me.

"Dad's sending a tow truck but it could take a few hours. There's been a big pile up on the interstate near LA." She rolls her eyes. "So either we wait or find another way to Vegas."

I check my watch. It's getting closer to 10.30 PM and I really don't want to wait until gone midnight for a rescue. I'm about to suggest we call a cab when a loud bang is followed by a resonating rumble behind us, and I whip around to see a huge, battered RV pulling up alongside our car.

"You kids lost?" A man leans out of the window, his moon-like face literally covered in hair, reminding me of Hagrid in that kid's movie I saw a few years ago.

"Not lost, our car broke down." Alice approaches him with a sultry smile, her eyelashes batting against her cheeks. "Can you give us a lift to the nearest motel?"

Hairy Guy nods easily and flicks his sausage-like thumb to the rest of the RV, and Alice leads the way as Jasper and I liberate our cases from the car, our eyes meeting uneasily as he closes the trunk.

"Does this smell right to you?" he hisses and I shake my head. Looking up in alarm, I realize the girls have already scrambled inside the vehicle, and we lift the soft top quickly, sealing the car closed so we can join them in the RV.

Hairy Guy toots the horn, a deep, air-filled honk making us both jump, and his barking laugh reminds me of every single horror movie I watched as a child. And just like the heroes I used to shout at through the shiny glass of the gogglebox, I ignore every instinct knocking around my gut and follow Jasper into the back of the truck.