A/N: Hey everyone! We thought it would be fun to do this little outtake with our dear Esme Cullen. Just a little tidbit of information for you…the idea for this actually came from someone close to Ally and when she told me about it I had to write it for Esme. We hope you all enjoy it and laugh hard! We also wanted to say thank you! Because of you, I Always Do was nominated for Top 10 Completed Fics in December. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you!


The reception was fan-fucking-tastic. After everything Edward and Bella had been through, we Cullens decided to have a goddamn old fashioned keg party after the reception. Bella was a little upset because well, being 6 months pregnant she couldn't participate and she and Edward decided to head home early. I did however promise to make it up to her once little Anthony arrived. It was a wild, raucous Cullen party to say the least. We all decided to head to a local establishment after the reception to have a few more drinks and maybe sing some karaoke. My mother had started drinking at the reception as soon as Bella's verbal filter faux pas had been broadcast to everyone through Edward's live microphone. Her alcohol consumption never wavered throughout the rest of the night.

I think my favorite part of the night, besides my Rosie giving me a really fucking hot hand job on the way home after we dropped my parents off at their house, was actually the part before that. The ride to my parents' house was….eye opening.


"Esme, sweetheart, come on. Emmett and Rosalie are going to drive us home."

"Fuck Carlisle, do you know how motherfucking sexy you are?" I had to turn away to control my laughter as I listened to my Dad trying to coax my mother into my Jeep to go home. Esme Cullen was drunk. No, make that totally and completely F-U-B-A-R'd….fucked up beyond all recognition. I had never seen her that drunk.

"Thank you my love, as are you. Now come, let's get in the Jeep shall we?" I know I should help my Dad out, but for the life of me, I can't resist watching him try to wrangle his little filly. Shit, why do I sound like fucking Jasper?

"Car-lisle, do you wan-na fuck?" I can see my Dad wince as Mom tries to hike up her dress. I quickly turn away because I truly don't want to see that shit. Rosie can't stifle her giggles any longer and busts out in a full- fledged laugh.

"Come on Es, let's just get home ok? Then I'll answer your question." He grabs her dress and attempts to pull it back down, but Mom is having none of that.

"Em-mett, do you care if I fuck your father in the back-seat?" Every other word is slurred and even though I should be completely repulsed by her question, she's fucking hilarious.

"Geez Ma, come on now." I shake my head and chance a look in the rearview mirror. Big mistake. I just saw my mother fondling my father's crotch. Panicked, I look at Rosie who just shrugs her shoulder. Yeah, thanks for the help babe!

"Esme Cullen! Remove your hand from my zipper." I cringe when I hear his voice crack at the end. He's trying his best to be unaffected by her actions, but he's a man and well, yeah I don't have to tell you he's secretly enjoying this deep down under his horrified expression.

"B-but Carl-isle, I'm wet. Here. Feel." My eyes widen as Rose and I exchange a quick glance. Thankfully Dad isn't as drunk as Mom.

"Esme, darling, while that is a very…um…tantalizing offer, let's wait until we get home for that." He placates her for the time being and I begin to relax and wish she would just pass out already. We are all silent for a few moments. Just as we approach the gate into the subdivision where my parents live, Dad hands me his card so I can give it to the guard to swipe. As I roll down the window to hand the card over, my mother jumps out of the backseat and walks, no, stumbles over to the grassy knoll beside the guard shack. Before any of us can react, we see her reach up her dress and pull off her underwear, twirling it around on her index finger.

"Oh God Esme! Don't!" My father has stepped out of the vehicle and lunges himself, Dukes of Hazzard style, over the front of my Jeep. Rosie and I are stunned motionless and silent, as is the guard. As soon as he approaches my mother, she dodges him and runs around behind a tree. She is bouncing from leg to leg and giggling like a teenager.

"Come on big boy, if you can catch me you can tie me up. I know how much you like that Carlisle. You wanna play tonight? What will it be? The St. Andrew's cross? Or the whipping bench? Mama's been a bad girl huh? I think Daddy needs to spank me."

"ESME! QUIET! Honest to God woman, I am just about to…" he is stopped mid- sentence as my mother launches herself at him, wraps her legs around him and shoves her tongue in his mouth.

By now I have regained my ability to move so I run over to help Dad out.

"Mom, come on. Let's get inside and then you can let Dad tie you up. Come on."

"Oh Edward, you were always my favorite." She reaches up to stroke "Edward's" cheek.

"Mom, I'm Emmett. Remember?"

"Whatever, you're still my favorite. I need to pee."

"NO!" We all scream in unison.

"Oh Esme, what am I going to do with you?" Dad just holds her dress up as Mrs. Esme Cullen waters the grassy knoll.


I love my wife. I truly do. Esme and I have been married so long that we can usually predict each other's movements, thoughts, and actions before they come to pass. Tonight I discovered that this is no longer the case when my Esme is inebriated.

Here I stand, holding up her Mother-of-the-Groom dress while she urinates on the grassy knoll beside the entrance to our subdivision. Yes, I am totally serious. To coin a phrase that Emmett uses frequently, you can't make this shit up.

"Ahhhh….Fuck that feels so much better." Apparently when my Sweet is drunk, she has a bit of a potty mouth.

"I'm glad my love. What do you say we get up to the house and I'll prepare you a nice hot bath?"

"Mmmm Dr. Cullen, are you trying to seduce me? I assure you Carlisle, I am most definitely a sure thing. When I think of your glorious cock…" Quickly I grab her and kiss her hard. I know that is the only way to shut her up at the moment. I'm not wild about my children and the guard hearing how fabulous my cock is.

I could see Emmett and Rosalie desperately trying to hide their smirks. I was glad that Edward and Bella and Alice and Jasper were not here. It's bad enough that it's Emmett, but if all of my children saw this I would never be able to face them again.

"I am very glad to hear that Sweet. Come now, let's get back in the Jeep so we can get to the house. Then I'll take proper care of you." I winked at her hoping to goad her into doing what I wanted.

"Fuck Carlisle, you are such a clit tease. Ooh, do you think you could do that? You know I fall apart when you use your tongue…."

"ESME….Darling….shhhh now. You can't be giving all my secrets away." For the love of all that's holy I am going to seriously tie her up when we get home. A ball gag might be a nice touch too, and I don't mean that in the kinky way she thinks I do. I'm serious.

Finally, we manage to get the love of my life back into the Jeep and up to the house. The caterers and wedding personnel have all finished cleaning up after the wedding and have gone. Emmett and Rosalie deposit us on the door step and leave quickly. I'll deal with them tomorrow. I know my son and he will never ever let his mother live this down. Now, my task is to get Mrs. Cullen upstairs and to bed. I have locked the front door and turned the lights out and when I turn around to Esme, she is gone.

"Es, darling? Where are you precious?" I walk through the house hoping to find her passed out sweetly on the couch or something but she's not there. I hear a giggle and an "oh shit" coming from the kitchen so I make my way in there. What I find when I enter the room is not something I was prepared for.

"Esme Cullen, what ARE you doing?" It seems my wife is naked and is sitting on the island in our kitchen. She has a can of whipped cream and she's covering her breasts with it. In as much of what I assume is a southern accent as she can muster she speaks.

"Oh Carlisle, do you like my whipped crame bikaney?" It takes everything I have not to giggle like a school girl.

"Of course love, I absolutely love it. Where did you get that idea Darling?"

"Oh you know that football movie with that slutty cheerleader bitch? She tried to fuck the quarterback with her "whipped crame bikaney". She continues to cover herself with the white creamy goodness.

"Here darling, let me assist you." I walk over to her and take the can from her intending to pick her up so I can carry her to bed. She needs to sleep this off. When I take the can and slide my hands under her legs she leaps into my arms and wraps her arms around my neck. I feel small kisses along the column of my neck. I hate to admit it, but she's turning me on. Would it be terrible to take her up on her offers? God knows she still has the ability to make me feel amazing. Quickly squashing those awful thoughts I manage to navigate the stairs without killing both of us. We are just about to our bedroom door when she whispers in my ear.

"Mmm Carlisle, you smell so good. I think I want to suck your thick cock. Would you like that darling? I know you love it when I take you all the way in. You promised me you would feel how wet I was when we got home." She kisses me deeply and I fully return it. The man in me has won out and I'm hard as steel for the vixen in my arms.

"Oh Es, I'll feel you alright. I'll stick my fingers in that wet pussy and let my tongue tickle your luscious clit." I lay her down on our bed and kiss her again before I hurriedly run to the bathroom to get a warm wet towel to clean the whipped cream off before we have a bigger mess. I'm throbbing from her words and touches and I can't seem to move fast enough.

"Here we are darling. Let me get you cleaned up and then we'll get…Esme? Darling?" The soft snores coming from my wife assure me that a cold shower is next on my agenda. Naturally, she has finally passed out. Fanbloodytastic.

The next morning is something I will never forget. My eyes flutter open and I note that it is a little after nine a.m. I feel refreshed and ready for the day. I look to my left and I see my wife. The events of last night come back to me and I remember that Esme is going to have a very large headache this morning. I wasn't able to get any pain reliever into her system before she passed out, which had been my intention. Then she distracted me with her womanly ways and well, I never got her the pain killers. I quickly get up and to the bathroom to retrieve the Ibuprofen and a glass of water. As soon as she wakes up I'll make her a Bloody Mary and get some food into her.

Once I'm dressed and about to walk back to the bed, I hear the tell-tale sign of my adorably hung-over wife waking up.

"Oh my god, Carlisle. Why does my head feel as if an elephant is marching around inside it?" I have to stop myself from chuckling at her appearance. She is adorably sleep rumpled with sheet lines on the side of her face. Her hair still contains the leftover hairspray from the wedding and it reminds me instantly that Edward has taken after his mother as far as hair in concerned. Both of them have the exact same color and texture and this morning, Esme even has "sex hair".

"Well love, I'm going to venture to guess that your head hurts like that because of the massive amount of tequila that passed through your gorgeous lips last night." I sit down beside her and hold the pain medication and a glass of water out to her.

"Thank you Sweetheart. God I feel atrocious. Oh Carlisle! I imagine I look like such a mess." She quickly downs the medicine and water, handing the glass back to me and tries to get up out of bed.

"Would you like some help my sweet? I'd be happy to start the shower for you." I stand with her a moment so she can get her balance.

"That sounds good. I think I need a shower. Ugh, Carlisle, why is my hoo hah sticky? I can feel my thighs sticking together." She raises an accusatory brow at me and I can't help but smile. Should I mess with her a little bit? Yes, I think I shall.

"You wound me love. You mean you don't remember our lovemaking? I must be losing my touch." Lowering my voice to a seductive level I follow up. "The stickiness is completely my fault. But I can't regret a moment of it. Your mouth never disappoints me love." I winked at her as we moved to the bathroom.

"How much did I drink at the wedding? Oh God. I remember Bella speaking to Edward and his microphone was on and oh…"she trails off and it's clear now that she remembers when she started drinking.

"You certainly were the bell of the ball my love. Here, have a nice hot shower and I'll go downstairs and get you some breakfast." I patted her behind and left her to tend to herself.

I was plating up some scrambled eggs when I heard Emmett coming through the front door. I quickly grabbed the eggs back out of the refrigerator knowing my son would want some breakfast too.

"Dadd-io how they hangin' this morning?" I chuckled under my breath at my eldest son. He was absolutely one of a kind.

"Good morning Em. To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I'm here to fuck with Ma. How is she feeling?" Never one to beat around the bush was our Emmett.

"She's taking a shower. Listen Em, take it easy on her ok? She's pretty embarrassed." Just as I began to plead, my darling Esme entered the kitchen looking ashamed. Of course Emmett had no plans to take it easy on his mother.

"Yo Ma! Good to see you this morning. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?" he bellowed as loudly as he could. Without missing a beat, Esme walked up behind him and slapped him on the back of the head, the movement making her wince as her head surely reminded her of the hangover she was fighting. "OW! What the hell Ma?" He rubbed his head and pouted.

"Emmett Carlisle Cullen, please for the love of all that is holy, lower your voice." I watched my sweet Esme rub her temples and I couldn't beat down the giggle that escaped my mouth fast enough.

"Carlisle, something funny?" She gave me her best bitch brow.

"Sorry Love. Can I get you some juice?" She nodded and once again winced in pain.

"So Ma, you were pretty fucked up last night. What do you remember?"

"Emmett…please watch your language. I am still your mother. And to answer your question, I don't remember very much at all. I remember Bella's confession into Edward's microphone and I remember Alice handing me some sort of shot glass filled with something creamy. After that, not much."

"Well Mother Darling, allow me to enlighten you." Before he began I had to interject. I didn't think Esme was ready to hear the gory details.

"Emmett, let's save that for later. I'm sure your mother would like to relax today. Perhaps you and Rosalie can join us for dinner tomorrow night?" Yes, I was trying very hard to get rid of Emmett.

Just as he began to say something, the doorbell sounded. Esme grabbed her head and Emmett shot out of the room to answer the door.

"Um, Dad, can you come here for a second?" Hmmm, that's a strange tone of voice.

"Stay here my love and drink your juice and have some scrambled eggs." I kissed her gently on her temple and made my way to the foyer to see what was wrong. When I got to the front door, I recognized the man standing on our front porch. It was James Matthews, who was the President of our Home Owner's Association.

"Good morning James. Good to see you. How can I help you?" I asked.

"Good morning Carlisle. I'm afraid I'm here on official business this morning. It appears someone called us last night about Mrs. Cullen, um, urinating on the grassy knoll beside the guard shack at the subdivision entrance. I'm here to serve you with this paperwork, as the HOA is fining you for the new grass it has to install." He looked like he wanted to laugh.

"I see. Well, as you know our son, Edward, was married here yesterday and I'm afraid my darling wife got a little tipsy. I do apologize for any problems she may have caused. I'll take care of this right away." I heard Emmett snicker and mumble the word tipsy under his breath, followed by a snort.

James leaves and I fold up the paperwork he has given me and tuck it safely in my pocket. The last thing I need is for Esme to see it. I'll take care of the fine and she'll never be the wiser.


Sweet Jesus, my head hurts. I am not in the mood to deal with my loudest child, Emmett at the moment. I know he's only here to give me hell about my behavior last night. I honestly don't remember a damn thing, but the way my dear Carlisle is acting I would venture to say something happened that I will not be very proud of.

As if speaking of the devil, Carlisle and Emmett enter the kitchen again after answering the door.

"Who was at the door Carlisle?" I am trying to speak as softly as I can because the pounding in my head makes me swear I will never have another drink in my life.

"Oh, just someone who was lost, My Love. Nothing for you to worry your pretty self over." I hear Emmett snort out loud.

"Well Ma, I'm gonna head back home now." Geez, why is he screaming?

"Fine darling. Give Rosie my love." I walk into the living area and curl up in Carlisle's recliner with an afghan and a cup of hot tea. My head is still pounding as I hear Carlisle let Emmett out the front door.

"Is there anything I can get you Love?" My Carlisle is such a gentleman and so caring, but even he is getting on my nerves.

"No my sweet, I think I'd just like to rest here awhile." I offer him a gentle smile and he comes to peck me on the lips.

"Alright baby. I'll be in my study should you need me." I reach up to touch his beautifully handsome face and he winks at me and I snuggle down to take a nap and will away this dreadful headache.

Several hours later I wake up in the same position I fell asleep in and realize that I am feeling much better. Glancing at the clock on the mantle I see that it is six o'clock in the evening. I have slept all day long.

As I am standing up and stretching, I feel a pair of wonderfully strong arms envelope me and a soothing scent fills my nose. I turn my head to the side as Carlisle nuzzles my neck and places gentle kisses along my shoulder.

"Hello love. Are you feeling better?" He turns me around gently so that I am now facing him.

"Yes I am thank God." I lean in to kiss the man of my dreams and he hugs me tighter.

"Fantastic. I was wondering if I could take you to dinner. I figured you might not want to cook tonight."

"Oh Carlisle that would be wonderful. Let me go and get dressed and we'll go." He kisses me once more and releases me.

A little more than an hour later we are heading out of our subdivision in Carlisle's Mercedes. As we pull up to the guard shack I notice that there is a crew that appears to be replacing some of the grass up on the knoll beside the gate.

"Oh my Carlisle, it looks like they are replacing some grass or something. I hadn't noticed anything wrong with the old grass, had you?"

"Well my love, about that…."

A/N: **Snicker** We hope you enjoyed this little outtake with our dear Esme. It appears she shouldn't partake in any more tequila shots! Thanks once again to everyone for their support of this collaboration. Don't forget to check out our latest collaboration, Weight For Me, and make sure to join our Facebook group, Edward and Bella's Place. Thanks again!

Ally (AlbertaGirl78) & Shannon (CullenSweetheart)