My Dearest Severus,
If anybody had told me when I was in school, that I was going to fall in love with you, and raise a family with you, I would have had them admitted to St. Mungo's in the blink of an eye. Because as you very well know, we never got along much when I was in school. Which I guess when you think about it, is a good thing, because otherwise you probably gotten murdered, or thrown in Azkaban for sleeping with a student.
I first realized that you didn't hate me as much as it seemed that morning in the hospital wing. I hadn't realized that I was asleep, until I woke myself up with my screams. I've been putting silencing charms around my bed for years, because I've had nightmares for as long as I can remember. Whether it be because of Voldemort, or because my abusive relatives, nightmares were a very common thing. Hermione and Ron had walked in right as I started screaming, so I guess it was a good thing. It started, when you didn't make fun of me, and because of how safe I felt when I realized you were by my side. Not of course that you had any choice in that what-so-ever, since if you had tried to move Madame Pomfrey would have stunned you.
After I slid that picture across the table in the ice cream parlor, I don't know if I'll ever be able to put into words the depth of terror over your reaction to our son. Because, despite the fact that it was ME that left that night, so so many years ago, you have been the only person that I have ever loved. Until Jonathan came along that is. When he did, I was hoping that it would make being without you easier, but it didn't. Because he looks so much like you, even to this day. The hair isn't a dead give-a-way, because both of our hair is black. But his eyes, a swirl of black and incredibly dark green, that is only visible in the sunlight. He has most of your features, my nose, dimples, and knobby knees.
Despite how much I loved him, and how happy I was to have a baby, there were some days that I was one foot out the door. I had been overcome with this intense need to see you, when I heard a cry from our precious baby boy, and I had to turn around. Jonathan was born on the 26th of March, two years after the fall of Voldemort, four months, and five days before my 20th birthday.
I wish that I could say that I've always loved you, but looking back, I think that I really understood what I felt when you, Minerva, and Albus burst into Moody's office right when Crouch was about to 'conquer me'. I don't even know if you fully understood what you were feeling, but your eyes were furious, and when our gazes met, I could see how worried you were. And like a moth to the flame, I was hooked.
When I told Ron and Hermione, Ron was, understandably, angry. He said that he felt a bit betrayed that I was so quick to trust the man that had ridiculed and mistreated me for seven years. Before I left the Burrow that day, after I collected my things, to apparate to the coordinates you gave me for your house, I hugged Hermione, and ignored Ron's angry yelling as I tried to tell her that I'd write.
I know that I didn't give you much of an explanation the day that I gave you that picture. So I invited you to join us at the park. It was when Jonathan's eyes lit up when he saw you, that I realized that I wouldn't be able to leave you again. Because Jonathan was already in love with you too. I realized that I could never be happy without you, again, that day. Not that being Jonathan's mother.. father doesn't make me happy, because it does. It's just that I've always wanted a family, and you've been the only one for me, Severus Snape, since I realized just how Gay I am.
Those years without you, were tougher than I ever could have imagined. I kept drifting off into memories. Our first kiss.. the first time we made love. I still remember our first… date. You wouldn't have called it a date, but I always have, because of what happened afterwards.
Still to this day, when I'm feeling down, I look back and remember the look on people's faces when you and I walked into the Ministry Gala, side by side, and standing so close that we could have been touching. Alone, you and I as individuals were very good at silencing the people around us, but together… we didn't even have to try. It became effortless.
After we talked to Jonathan that day in the park, I was worried that he would be upset at me. For not telling you about him, or him about you. But after we had gone our separate ways and I asked him, he just said that he was glad that you knew now.
That morning that you came over for breakfast, I certainly wasn't expecting to hear what I heard you and Jonathan talking about in the kitchen, as I walked towards it. I also wasn't expecting all of the food. You are a damn good potions master Severus, but you were one hell of a horrible cook.
I always thought that it was insane, how after we had kissed that first time, all of the tension between us melted away. Breakfast was cold when we finally tore ourselves apart from one another, and sat down to eat. But it was the most delicious meal, that I can remember having my entire life. We kissed everywhere after that. Brief kisses when we passed in the hallway, lingering kisses before we ate breakfast, heated kisses as you pressed me against the stairwell wall, or when we were covered in goo after I foolishly exploded a cauldron in your lab. As the weeks passed by though, tension started growing between us again. Then one night, it completely disintegrated. I didn't know that it had been getting tense because you were trying to figure out how to tell me something.
As we were leaving the open house for Jonathan's school, I invited you over for a late dinner. It wasn't much, because I knew that Jonathan wouldn't be able to stay awake long after eating his weight in cookies at the school, despite both you and I having told him no more. After watching him nod off at the dinner table, I took him upstairs, gave him a bath, and tucked him into bed, where he fell asleep for the first time in six and a half years without a bedtime story.
Severus Tobias Snape, you are the absolute best thing that has EVER happened to me! I don't tell you nearly as often as I should, but you are.
There were three things that you and I were, are, will always be good at; Fighting, having fantastic make-up sex, and shocking the hell out of each other.
Of all the things that people say about you, the fact that you're an incredibly romantic man isn't often one of them. You gave me Hedwig, my first friend. She had died trying to protect me, and you.. you gave her back. I don't know if I can ever find words expressive enough to convey how touched I felt when I shook the globe and saw her. I love you Severus Snape.
You broke my heart Severus. I was so confused, because our arguments had virtually stopped, and we hadn't had anything but minor disagreements in months. I didn't understand, and I don't think that I ever will completely, what brought about the argument. You had been fine that morning, but when I got back.. the pain that I felt when you told me to leave… was unimaginable.
Nothing touched me more, than when you dropped to one knee in front of the Weasleys, it was the most magical thing that you've ever done. I don't think that I can ever put into words how happy you made me for doing that. You proposing to me in front of them.. We found out that I was pregnant again, about three weeks after that. You took me to the hospital after an entire week of me throwing up, and not only did they discover that I was pregnant, but the healers were able to pinpoint the day that we conceived. It was the night of the open house.
When Jonathan was born, it was like I lost you all over again. But getting up in the middle of the night to give him bottles didn't bother me nearly as much as I thought it might.
Looking back over this letter, I realize how over the place it is Severus. But be it because of our children, you, or my old age, my mind is slipping. It has been for years now… but Severus… last night… you died. You lived longer than anybody thought you would, but you died. And after all these years, I just can't live without you. You, Severus Snape, are my whole entire world, but now you're dead. I will see you soon. As soon as I finish writing this letter, I will brew a potion that will give me eternal rest, and before I drink it, I will mail this to our children.
I love you so much! When I found you yesterday, cold and stiff on our bed, I screamed until I lost my voice. Our kids don't know yet, because I haven't told them. They aren't supposed to come over until Tuesday, but as soon as they receive this letter, they will rush over to try and stop me, even though, they will be too late.
I want to be put in the same coffin as you Severus, I want to lie with you forever. You are the only man, that I have ever loved. You took my virginity when I was 18 years old, and with it, you took my heart, my soul. I love you, with all of my heart. You are my eternity. I love you, and I'm so sorry that I cannot be strong anymore. I have spent so many years trying to be strong for you, because you wouldn't have wanted to be married to a weak man.
I love you Severus,
Harry James Snape
Total Story Word Count Without Intro/Outro's: 18,638
A/N (10-27) I've had a few comments about Harry killing himself. So I'm going to throw some numbers out there for you. Considering that the average wizard lives longer than the average muggle, let's say that wizards (and witches) age slower. Harry and Severus got married when Harry was nearly thirty (Sev would be fifty.) The epilogue takes place some 70 years after chapter 13, which would make Harry about 100, and Sev about 120. Jonathan would be about 80 or so. I mean it's not like he's killing himself and leaving young children around. Assuming that Jonathan had kids the same age as his parents had him, and so on and so forth, the children he'd be leaving behind are great great grandchildren or something of the sort. So while I agree that young Harry, with young children would never commit suicide, old Harry who just lost the love of his life, and doesn't want to be left alone by somebody he loves again, just might. I just wanted to throw that out there for you to consider. Thanks again.