I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
This was a funny story I wrote in about an hour one evening. I think it was inspired by a fanfiction I read years ago that mentioned how Iemitsu hired assassins to kill Tsuna's Guardians for being perverts (I'm not sure though, and don't ask me about the title I don't remember).
Anyways, please read ad enjoy. If you're going to flame, please don't bother. I don't care if you hate my story but it's annoying if you flame. If you don't like it don't read.
If you do like my story however, please do review. I like reviews and it's rather depressing when my stories have more favorites than reviews. (And please read my other stories and review them too?) And the more review I get the more enthusiastic I am about writing and posting new stories.
Please no flames though.
Anyways, read and enjoy (and review!)
P.S. Don't forget to REVIEW! (Please?)
In the end, if one had to blame someone for the fiasco, Nana was responsible (though Reborn had given her the idea). She was the one to first take and then send the pictures to Iemitsu.
Of course, Iemitsu could be to blame due to his decision to marry Nana and then have a child with her… which resulted in their first and only son and child being a rather 'pretty' boy.
Of course, Reborn was responsible for Tsuna acquiring the Guardians he did…and was the one to give Nana the idea to take and send pictures to Iemitsu.
In the end, Iemitsu blamed Reborn.
Growing up, Tsuna didn't have many friends. Actually, he had no friends. He has a few memories of playing in sandboxes with other children (among them Yamamoto) and at pre-school he played with other kids, but prior to meeting Reborn he believed that those were fake memories.
(They're actually true memories, and both Tsuyoshi and Nana have a few photos of Takeshi playing with Tsuna, including one where Tsuna kisses Takeshi on the cheek as a thank you for the shared lunch. Naturally Reborn finds all of those photos and makes copies that he proceeds to 'distribute', aka sell, among a number of 'special clients with high interest in the future Vongola Decimo'.)
Please keep in mind that Tsuna didn't have any friends, was desperate enough sometimes to try to fool himself into initially believing that his bullies were sorta friends before they got physical and he could no longer try to believe that and it hurt less to tell himself he was friendless than that he had friends who would do such things. So, anyways, Tsuna was desperate for friends.
Which results in him not really knowing how to exactly 'have' (aka handle) friends, but happy to have them all the same.
Reborn, older and wiser than his 'useless student', figured out what was going on after he watched Tsuna be sexually harassed while the Guardians watched a movie and Tsuna only smiled and apologized for not being able to move but there wasn't any more room on the couch.
Iemitsu caught on after he saw the video Nana sent him. It showed one scene in which Tsuna was forced to take off his shirt due to a drink accidentally being spilled on it…and then how at least one person tripped onto the ground.
He instantly lunged for the door, intent on getting home to save his 'precious baby boy's chastity'.
Lal Mirch, used to Iemitsu's erratic behavior, tackled him.
Chained to his desk and forbidden to leave until he completed his paperwork, Iemitsu distracted himself by looking over his collection of photos of Tsuna. Naturally, a number of them had been 'slightly adjusted' so that Tsuna was 'less girly' (as Reborn put it). That was, of course, the reason why so many people were surprised to meet Tsuna, they'd been expecting someone at least three inches taller (sometimes six inches, depending on the photo) and at least twenty pounds heavier due to muscle and usually tan.
Of course, Reborn had copies of Iemitsu's earliest 'photo adjustment attempts', which were complete failures and would cause someone seeing the photo for the first time to squint as they tried to tell if Iemitsu's firstborn had breasts or not.
(Iemitsu never mentions these photos and only keeps them to coo over since he imagines that his and Nana's daughter would look just like the photo. And also because Tsuna looks so much like his mother.)
Anyways, so Iemitsu tries to comfort himself by looking over photos of his son in which his son appears to have a physique capable of protecting himself.
He then looks over the new photos and promptly lets out a howl of despair.
Tsuna had completely failed when selecting his Guardians! They were all clearly monsters! He could see them leering at his darling son.
He swore to protect Tsuna and get rid of the danger. Or rather, he would have, except that he was stuck in Italy and Tsuna was in Japan (with his Guardians). And Lal was unlikely to let him leave.
It appeared that he would have to go to the professionals.
But first, he had to go through his collection of photos (all 378 albums) and figure out which of Tsuna's acquaintances were perverts.
It was highly unusual, practically unheard of, for a member of the Vongola to be contracting assassins (from outside the Vongola Family, that is, it was quite normal for the Varia to be sent to 'deal with' someone).
In this case it was the leader of the CEDEF. He wanted to get rid of some 'perverts' that were bothering an innocent boy.
Naturally, not a few assassins decided that this looked easy and accepted.
He wants to kill WHO?
Upon being informed that his assignment is to kill Reborn, the number one hitman, the nameless assassin took a deep breath and prepared to die. He actually did it literally, wrote a will, faked his death and was never seen from again. He literally had nightmares for the next twenty years that Reborn somehow knew that he had 'tried' to kill him (in the form of getting wildly drunk and writing up possible ways to kill the top hitman).
Naturally, Reborn had no idea of his existence.
He, however, was extremely aware of Reborn's existence and contracted a phobia that was titled 'Rebirthphobia' in which he screamed loudly when he words such as: reborn, rebirth, reincarnation, renew, brought back, vampire, zombie, etc. He also tended to hide when he heard: hitman, assassin, murderer, gun, chameleon, Leon, fedora, black, tuna, and clam.
His therapist finally gave up after trying and failing to get him to stop screaming whenever he saw men in suits and he spent the rest of his life in an asylum. He was happy there. Everyone wore orange and the staff all wore white.
It was wonderful.
The next assassin was assigned to target Xanxus. Iemitsu was suspicious of him. True, he had tried to kill Tsuna, but then Xanxus had (possibly) completely given up on his plot to be the Vongola Decimo and become one of Tsuna's staunchest supporters.
It was suspicious.
The assassin burst into tears upon realizing that he would have to kill the leader of one of the top assassin teams in the world.
He decided to do research. And then…Eureka! He had found his saving grace!
(Squalo didn't understand why he got red roses and was rather freaked out.)
The assassin wrote up a report explaining why it was unnecessary to assassinate Xanxus and sent it to Iemitsu.
Iemitsu read it and was delighted. He promptly sent off a card and flowers with his congratulations.
Understandably, Xanxus (and Squalo) were a bit lost.
Until Iemitsu asked them how long they'd been in a homosexual relationship (Squalo was Xanxus's right-hand man and partner after all).
Iemitsu ended up going to the hospital.
Iemitsu ended up trying to assassinate Basil by himself. Fortunately, Basil believes that it is the pain medication and does not take it seriously. Iemitsu, his pain meds now at a much higher dosage, gets rather loopy and ends up showing Basil his 'special collection' of Tsuna photos (primarily consisting of the times when Tsuna got dressed up in his mother's clothes as a toddler).
Luckily Iemitsu is so high on pain medication that he doesn't notice how Basil shakily announces he must have allergies and holds a handkerchief to his bleeding nose.
Basil is much too innocent to be a pervert after all.
When no longer loopy, Iemitsu wonders why some of his photos are gone and blames Reborn despite the hitman being in Japan at the time.
Lal learns about Iemitsu's plans to assassinate Enma. She promptly beats him for trying to order the assassination of leader of another mafia family. She is not sympathetic to Iemitsu's protests and sends him back to the hospital.
The assassins following Gokudera and Yamamoto finally gave up after the two proceeded to argue… again.
Teenagers. No, male teenagers.
Ietmisu is informed that Tsuna is safe from them (Gokudera would obviously be horrified is he 'tainted' Tsuna, which would include sex, while Yamamoto is clearly oblivious to the idea) but adds how, not including Tsuna, they spend most of their time with each other.
Iemitsu writes to them both, informing them that Vongola (now) accepts all relationships, including homosexual ones (providing Xanxus and Squalo as an example) and that if they want the Vongola can give them a 'legal' marriage on paperwork so that they can jointly file taxes.
Iemitsu is rather lost as to why he receives a bomb in the mail, but decides to overlook it.
Tsuyoshi and Bianchi are rather surprised when they receive notice of Gokudera and Yamamoto's relationship through the mail. But neither was born yesterday and so they don't believe it.
However, Gokudera does stop yelling that he and Yamamoto aren't in a relationship (or in love) about two weeks after what he calls the 'fiasco'. Three years later they are filing their taxes jointly.
The assassin who is sent to kill Hibari Kyoya is 'bitten to death for disturbing the peace of Namimori'. He ends up in the hospital ward with all of the prefect's other victims. The Disciplinary Committee came to interrogate him (in case others would be following him) and end up starting the 'Hibari KyoyaxTsunayoshi Sawada (Love! Love!) Fanclub' (purely through donations and fundraisers it achieves the status of becoming the school club with the biggest budget after the Disciplinary Committee).
The assassin who is sent to kill Mukuro ends up in a coma. No one is sure what happened to him. Neither do they want to know how the assassin sent after Chrome also ended up in a coma.
(Iemitsu feared that Chrome was as perverted as Mukuro, and pointed out rather drunkenly that if she and Tsuna had sex it could be counted as a threesome due to Mukuro possessing her).
Shoichi, naturally, freaks when some people break into his apartment intent on killing him. Luckily Byakuran is there and saves him. Byakuran, however, is intrigued when he hears why he and Shoichi are wanted dead.
As it is, he promptly visits Iemitsu and requests permission to 'court' Tsuna (or, you know, just screw him). Iemitsu refuses and then loudly yells something along the lines of 'off with his head'. Byakuran informs Iemitsu that he will visit 'his dear future father-in-law' tomorrow.
Said 'future father-in-law's' reply is not polite at all.
Spanner never learns that there was an assassin sent to kill him. The assassin fell prey to his security system. Spanner is, however, informed by a rather hysterical Shoichi about the issue when Shoichi contacts him, asking if it's possible for a panic room to be constructed.
Spanner replies that he will think about it and then ends up getting distracted with the idea of wrench shaped sex toys and creating a sex-partner-robot with Tsuna's image. Byakura thinks that the robot idea is great and pre-orders one.
Shoichi announces that the two of them are crazy, tries (and fails) to kick them out of his apartment, and goes to hide under his bed.
Lambo starts crying when the assassin tries to kill him, and then uses the 10-year Bazooka on himself. The gist of what Lambo is saying while he beats up the assassin is that he's late to his 'meeting' with I-Pin. Iemitsu happily crosses Lambo off the list of perverts who are a danger to his darling boy.
He is, of course, unaware that both Lambo and I-Pin are members of the 'The Vongola Decimo Is Really Cute!' club (and were late to a club meeting).
Shamal is, strangely enough, assigned to assassinate himself and calls Iemitsu an idiot. Iemitsu's protest that Shamal is a well-known womanizer who strangely helps out Tsuna from time-to-time despite the teenager being male is ignored. Shamal just points out that Tsuna is practically a girl.
He then infects Iemitsu with a disease.
Back in the hospital, Iemitsu learns that Tsuna's Guardian Ryohei Sasegawa is completely straight. His girlfriend, on the other hand, is really kinky (evidently whips are involved and some weird S&M shit).
Tsuna can't understand why Iemitsu looks horrified when he's introduced to Hana.
At his graduation, Ryohei proudly tells everyone who would listen that he credits his ability to graduate to his girlfriend, without her 'tough love' he would have failed every one of his classes since she needed to 'crack the whip' quite often.
The assassin, as it was, went to his deathbed never realizing that what he was listening to was in fact a PG rated study session.
Mochida had no idea why someone had tried to attack him while he was on a date with Kyoko. Luckily Kyoko being a pretty girl distracted the would-be-attacker. And then Ryohei showed up, followed by Hana who was yelling at him for getting involved when he was supposed to be hiding.
He knew that Kyoko's brother had been stalking them while he and Kyoko were on their dates!
In the end, Iemitsu decides that the best way to protect Tsuna's chastity is to introduce strife among his fans.
All of them are informed of the rest's interest and Tsuna has no idea why Mukuro and Hibari are suddenly incapable of being in the same room, never mind Xanxus who now tries to outright kill Tsuna's Guardians.
Or the rest, but he does wonder why Spanner sends him such strangely shaped packages (Shoichi had told him to burn them without opening, which Tsuna had obeyed though he did wonder why).
As it was, Tsuna ended up reaching the age of twenty with his virginity intact. Iemitsu was delighted, at least he was until Reborn announced that it was now time for Tsuna to become a man and decided to select who would be the best pick as Tsuna's lover. He was deciding on how to pick until the 'fans' heard and it became a bloodbath.
Iemitsu, when informed by Lal (who was in the process of deciding how much money she should bet and on who), promptly started contacting convents in an attempt to see if they would provide sanctuary to his son.
Naturally that failed because Tsuna is male.
Iemitsu just asked mournfully why Tsuna's fans couldn't be normal. Look at Belphegor of the Varia, for example. Yes, he was bloodthirsty and all, but at least he was completely nonsexual.
Viper, who he was complaining to (and who was charging Iemitsu for use of his 'sympathy') didn't quite get what Iemitsu was saying.
After all, Bel had fallen heads over heels for Tsuna's friend Haru shortly after they first met. So much that he had enrolled himself in Haru's school, which was a girls-only school which forced him to crossdress. And not much had changed since then, Xanxus was often contacted about the 'kinky lesbians' wherever Bel was. It was no wonder why Xanxus had announced that the day a woman joined the Varia he would retire.
Viper didn't say anything though and just allowed Iemitsu to 'enjoy' his fantasies.
Such as the one where Tsuna never met Reborn but somehow managed to acquire a girlfriend who he would be married to by now with at least one child already born.
Viper wasn't going to mention how Xanxus had done research on Iemitsu when Tsuna was about eleven and had seen a photo of Iemitsu's family…and then promptly had to go to the bathroom. Xanxus might not know that Viper remembered, but Viper would be sure to clue him in soon.
Just as soon as it would be most profitable. Viper was pretty sure Xanxus had been making plans on 'running into' Tsuna when the brat was legal immediately after seeing that photo (Viper had stolen it, pinning it on one of Iemitsu's subordinates, and then offered to allow the Varia members to see the photo of 'Iemitsus's son' in exchange for a price).
If you're wondering about Iemitsu's initial plan and the assassins Iemitsu routinely hires them. Few accept though, it is suicide after all.