Summary: This idea just sort of came to me a long time ago, I just never wrote it. It is very odd, the way I wrote it. It is a bit hard to explain, but it is about Draco and what he is thinking the day of the second task. Then nightmares begin to spring up, and he realizes one of the cruelest aspects of life.
For some strange reason, I had tears running down my face as I wrote this. And when I re-read it, I couldn't find anything super sad about it. Maybe it is because for some strange reason I have bonded with Draco...Besides, I was not myself when I wrote this. I was Draco.
Drowning in Loneliness
The stands were quickly being emptied but I lingered, watching everyone excitedly run out, eager to talk to Harry, Cedric, Fleur, and Krum. I scowled down at all of them, being up on the highest row. I like the height, it seems so superior. It helps me up when I'm in a down mood. Superiority.
After a few minutes, I sighed and headed down, wishing I did not have to deal with homework next. I shoved through the crowds, not wishing to talk to anyone. I did not want to hear about what a hero Potter was. Just because he 'saved' his best friend.
Hell, if I had anyone to save, I would.
But I don't.
I bolted up to my dorm, glad to see that it was empty. Everyone was still outside. I flung myself on my bed with sudden fury. Why had I even watched this second task? It had made me miserable, as so much in life did. Why did I have to think about what would have happened if I were down there?
What if I had been picked as the fourth champion? What if I had to go down there and save my best friend? Who would be down there?
Crabbe? Goyle? No. They were so dumb and cruel, they didn't understand me. They knew I was rich, they knew I was sarcastic, they knew I hated Potter, they knew I hated muggles and mudbloods. But other then that, I was just a name.
Pansy? No, she likes me because I'm 'cute', rich, and a pureblood. I'm just another pretty face to her. Just another cute boy to flirt with and bother.
Lucius or Narcissa? No, my mother was nice, but she was like Pansy. An idiot. And Father? Who knew about him? Nobody knows a thing about him except that he's rich and mean. Actually, something tells me that he is not mean, but he has done nothing for me to think that, so I try not to. I need a reason to hate him.
Who else was even in my life? Snape? He was just a teacher, probably scared into being kind to me by my father.
Not a one of them truly cared about me. So why should I care about them? Was there a reason? No. Why love and not be loved back?
It was cold underwater. I stared at the rock, unable to believe what I was seeing. There was a small girl, Gabrielle. Then there was Hermione. Then there was Cho. But my space? The person I had to save? It was empty.
I froze, unsure of what to do. How could I just return to the surface and show everyone I had nobody I cared about? I couldn't. I couldn't let anyone know that I was alone. It was dark enough for me to handle. And if anyone knew, they'd scoff at me, or they'd pretend to be my friend. But I know that nobody can be.
I closed my eyes and slowly sank to the sandy bottom.
Drowning, that was what I was doing.
Drowning in water.
But that would not kill me.
Drowning in loneliness. That would.
I woke up with a start, gasping for air and covered in a cold sweat. Cold like water. I felt sick. So it was true. There would never be anyone for me. I would always be alone. I would never have anyone to save. Alone.
I sighed and stood up slowly, realizing it was nearly time for breakfast. An hour, still a bit dark out, but I didn't want to fall asleep again. I didn't want to face the loneliness again. You see, life is a matter of surviving. Dreams, however, they are a matter of death. A matter of death and pain. Life is painful too, but at least it is often hidden. Nobody knew I was friendless.
I crept down into the common room after changing quickly and slid over to the door. I was starving and was completely worn out. I supposed I was thrashing in my sleep.
The hallway was cold. The walls were too, it was a cold day, cold and cruel. Just like the night was. I shuddered and found the Great Hall still dark. I was the first one there. In ten minutes or so, a few kids eager to study would arrive, but now I was alone.
Actually, what did it matter?
I always would be alone.
It didn't matter if I was in a room full of kids.
To my horror, the first kids who arrived were Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Without thinking, I jumped up and bolted off to the side. They passed right by me, unaware. I scowled, wishing they would leave. I hated them, not because they loved muggles, not because they hated me, not because they were famous. But because they had friends. They were not alone. Damn them.
"Hey." Hermione said suddenly.
"What?" Harry and Ron said at once.
She paused, obviously thinking about whether or not she wanted to say what she was about to say. But obviously she decided she would. Because they were her friends. Well, that was a pity. Because here I was, her enemy, and I was listening as well.
"I had a dream last night about the second task." She said quickly.
"It was about Draco." I gasped loudly, but she didn't notice.
Harry and Ron laughed quietly. Hermione frowned.
"He went down there instead of Harry."
"And saved me?" Ron gasped in horror.
"No," she said. "There was no one for him to save."
I froze and sank against the wall, letting myself hit the floor. How could this be happening?
"What's that mean?" Harry asked.
Hermione sighed. "It means he has no one to care about. It means that he had no one to save, and he would have no one to save him." Then she burst into tears. And I do not know why.
"Aw, Hermione. It's just Draco. No need to cry over him. He's an evil git!" Ron said after a moment.
"Yea, who seriously cares?" Harry said quickly.
At this point I let out a small cry of pain. So it was obvious I had no friends. I was Draco, and no one cried for Draco. I bet if I died, nobody would care. They would just pretend to be sad, then go home and party. I would be forgotten in a few days.
I buried my face in my hands and felt the tears fall down into them. Even they were cold. I am cold, ever so cold. I have a heart of ice, but it is melting.
For I do care that no one cares about me.
I do care that I care about no one.
I care about the fact that it is so obvious I am alone. I thought it was hidden, but I guess I was wrong. I am always wrong. I am a stupid worthless rich cruel child, and I have no one to care about me.
I must have looked so forlorn sitting there, dressed all in black, sharply contrasting my pale skin, eyes, and hair.
I let the tears fall for a long time. I let myself stand sit there, sprawled out on the floor, icy tears streaming down my face and slicing into my heart. I no longer cared if they heard me. I was actually surprised they hadn't.
But then again, I am Draco Malfoy.
Maybe I am not real. Maybe I am only all the loneliness of the world gathered into one being. And I only think I am real. Maybe that is why I am so cruel, because I do not know how to behave. For I do not exist. I am only the things everyone else rejected.
No one will ever come and comfort me. I am on my own. But this time I can not help myself. This time, I need someone.
Someone who wasn't there. Someone who never would be there.
I will always be spinning downwards. Spinning into darkness. That dark pit that it called loneliness. I am already there, but I continue to fall deeper and deeper as I realize it more and more.
I am Draco. I am alone. I am lonliness. I have no one who cares about me. And I care about no one. I can not. It will always be me who is hurt.
I will always hurt.
I will always be drowning in loneliness.