This is a drabble that got to be too long, but I still consider it a drabble.
The SoulMate AU was plaguing my mind, I just had to write it out. Kept events from the first book because why not? This is mostly from Alec's POV and so it is angst because it is Alec.
Hope you like the drabble that got to be longer than it should have.
Title from Avicii's song, Wake Me Up.
I do not own anything.
Wake Me Up When It's All Over
Alec is five years old when he realizes he is not like the other kids. He doesn't like running around, doesn't like playing pretend, doesn't like tackling the other kids.
He prefers to sit, to read, to keep his distance, watching everyone, especially his sister. The kids talk about him, his parents talk about him, and his sister, she smiles and forces him to braid her hair. He knows he is different, knows it and feels it and hears it. The other kids tell him he is weird and his parents worry, but Isabelle just laughs and tackles him. He tickles her back and his parents, well, they figured he'll grow out of it
He is seven years old when the dreams begin.
Alec doesn't understand; all he sees in them are images of cities, of festivals. Sometimes, he catches glimpses of a cat eyed man, and Alec lives for those dreams, when he sees those eyes. He feels at home, like he can do anything. There is a comfort in them, an acceptance.
When those eyes look at him, Alec feels beautiful.
When those eyes look at him, Alec feels worthy of a name like Alexander, worthy of the world.
Sometimes he peers into the mirror, looking into his own bright blue eyes, imagining those cat eyes looking back at him.
He doesn't mention it to his parents, not completely sure why, but he is scared and because….this feels special. It is special. He knows that this could be dangerous but it doesn't feel dangerous, it feels….like home.
It is soon after the dreams start, that he notices the rune on his mother's wrist. Soul mates.
Books pile up and Alec can't seem to know enough of it. Everything is obscure, vague, no concrete answers but he can't ask the adults. Soul mates are a personal thing, he knows, and he knows that he is too young.
Why aren't you out there Alec? Play with your cousin. Play with Isabelle. Keep an eye on your sister.
You are too young, they will say, why do you want to know? They'll ask questions and they'll force him to answer in some way. No. He reads what he can, figuring he'll understand with time.
Isabelle is seven when she asks him about the runes on their mother's wrist.
Alec brushes her hair as he spins stories about true love and soul mates. He tells her about the magical bond between people, about the day when a rune would appear on their wrist, telling you the name of your soul mate.
They will complete you, he tells her, they will get rid of that disconnected feeling you have right now, like something is amiss…that will go away and there will only be peace.
Isabelle grins and doesn't stop talking about it for weeks.
She can't wait to have the name of her soul mate, and it is worth the scolding he gets from his parents for talking to her about it at such young age.
It is worth seeing the wonder on her face, see the sparkle in her eyes.
He wouldn't tell her, not until she was older, that with the light came the darkness.
Like the refusal of a bond or never finding your bond mate.
He doesn't tell her that sometimes people have gone their whole life without finding their soul mate, that it is never easy, nothing ever is.
Instead, he lets her put butterfly pins in his hair, staying still when she practices putting makeup on him.
The blue eyed boy doesn't mention to her that he feels like he has done this before, that for some reason the putting on makeup is familiar. Something about that feeling is personal….so Alec ignores it.
He pretends, like he always does, that they don't live dangerous lives and that his little sister was safe from the dangers of the world….even when she held a spear in her hand.
Alec pretends that he doesn't dream of a cat eye man who he would give everything for.
Alec is ten when Max is born and Alec falls in love immediately.
He is adorable, holds onto Alec's index finger and quiets whenever Alec holds him. Isabelle is a big sister now and she enjoys it, because their parents are not around so they only have each other.
The big brother, that is what he is and he watches them, ignoring the thrumming energy that had begun to hum under his skin. The skin of his wrist itches and he can't help rubbing his wrist when no one is looking. He wakes up every morning, wondering if he'll see a name…..he doesn't.
Max is a year when Jace falls into their lives, wedging himself into their family until there was no recognizing him as anything other than a Lightwood. They don't push him, they don't ask questions, everything is as it should be and no one sees it otherwise.
Jace is the first boy he finds attractive. Alec isn't sure when it happens or how, but he notices the blond hair, the pink lips and the sweat that runs down the blond's neck.
But Jace is his brother and….it feels wrong.
When he looks into amber colored eyes, Alec is disappointed that they aren't a mixture of green and yellow. It hurts.
But it makes him think, is his soul mate a man, then? He tries to think about it being a girl and panic engulfs him. He doesn't leave his room for a week, pretending he was sick, but he knows his siblings know better.
He can't help it, because finally, it hit him.
Alec had always known that the process of soul mates was complicated.
Now he understands the pain that a soul mate can bring. Finding your soul mate doesn't mean automatic happiness nor automatic peace.
For a few years there he had allowed himself to fall into the fantasy he had spun for Isabelle. He worries that he should have told his sister the truth, but her smile and laughter makes him feel better on dark days….he doesn't regret maintaining the lie as much as he should.
He is twelve years old when their routine is cemented.
Alec becomes Jace's parabatai and it is strange, having the bond there, knowing that it was Jace, sharing a bond with him. It doesn't hurt, but it….isn't normal?...no…it is just uncomfortable. But Alec bares it, keeping to his training. He learns to balance the parabatai bond and that strange bond that hums under his skin. It is not long before it is second nature, having both bonds.
He remembers the panic that Jace would be able to feel that bond too, but he doesn't….
Alec tries to fall in love with someone else, guilt gnaws at him as he forces himself to look at Jace, forces his heart to love Jace but it is weak. He doesn't feel it, but he is afraid, because he is getting older and no name appears on his wrist. What if a name never appeared?
And even if it did, how would Alec find them? How would Alec find the one person who would make him better? How would he find those cat eyes? Because Alec knows now, understands that those are his soul mate's eyes.
Part of him knows, it is only logical that his soul mate was a Downworlder, but Alec ignores that too. He pretends that he doesn't have any idea what so ever because a Downworlder? And Alec would like to think that he is ignoring it because everyone would be against it, that he is afraid of what they will think….but if he is honest with himself, he doesn't want to admit it because it will break him to know that he would probably never find his soul mate.
He isn't ready to admit that his soul mate could be with someone else, easily, because….no.
Alec didn't think about it.
And maybe Alec is destined to be the big brother, the Shadowhunter, Jace's parabatai, and nothing else.
He takes comfort in Isabelle, who is there when he needs her.
Do not worry, she tells him, your soul mate's name will come and Jace and I will find him for you.
He laughs and she doesn't mention that he is crying. They are Lightwoods, they don't cry.
He'll be gorgeous, she tells him, and he hugs her, because she is ok with him and how could he have thought any different?
But I hope it is not a werewolf, because eww, the smell of wet dog, she adds right at the end.
He throws a pillow at her, but her job is done. Alec is smiling at her and Isabelle vows to do what she can to help him. Her brother is strong and he doesn't cry, she won't allow for him to crumble.
He is sixteen when the name appears on his wrist.
It burns, like there is a fire engulfing him from the inside, rushing through his body, looking for a way out. He grits his teeth before clamping his mouth shut, waiting for it to pass. After what feels like hours but is only minutes, the pain begins to face. The fire simmers down until it is a gentle throb.
There is still a tingling sensation and Alec can't stop shuddering. Everything is new again, the sounds ,the colors, the feeling of his blankets on his skin. His body is sore…..
But he cannot stop grinning as he stares at his wrist, a name engraved upon his skin.
The rune is beautiful.
Alec allows himself to roll in his sheets, happiness bursting from his pores, and he laughs. There is this nonstop energy rushing through his body and Alec loves it.
It is magnificent and he wonders if his soul mate feels it, if he…if Magnus….if he can feel him.
But happiness doesn't last because he wakes up later, to a cold bond.
There are no more dreams, no more energy thrumming under his skin. Alec has never felt more alone.
Isabelle asks him what is wrong and Jace forces him to train, but it isn't the same.
He tries to smile for Max's sake, but there is emptiness and Alec cries.
He cries every day for a whole year. He ignores his mom, the way she eyes his tear stricken face, the bracelet around his wrist. She doesn't ask, and he feels both relief and anger, because why couldn't she at least try?
If you tell us his name we will find him, Jace tries, but Alec knows when a bond has been denied. He knows that the connection was cut on purpose. He knows it and it hurts. Maybe it is best to think that his soulmate died and the bond was abruptly cut because of that…but that doesn't lessen the pain.
Jace pushes Alec to train harder.
He doesn't even care or wonder how Jace figured out about Alec's sexual orientation. It didn't matter when Alec couldn't find it in himself to care about anything. What did it matter, finding out he was attracted to men, when his heart belonged to someone already?
He can't pretend to love Jace, and he wishes that all he had to worry about was Jace's rejection…..not his soulmate's.
Alec doesn't want to talk about it and he is grateful that Jace does not try to remove the bracelet that Alec's wear to hide the name.
Still, Jace makes his disapproval known, never hiding it; neither does Isabelle. Max just wants Alec to be happy.
Alec wonders what their parents would think. It doesn't matter anyways, boy, girl, downworlder, they didn't want Alec.
Good riddance, Isabelle says, you are now all ours.
Max grins and hugs him, while Jace just snorts but he doesn't disagree.
Alec tries to ignore it, because he is seventeen and Jace is angry for a whole year.
He tells Jace that their soul mate's name appears randomly after sixteen, doesn't mean it will happen right away.
Isabelle can't wait to be sixteen and older then, but Alec worries.
He worries for Jace, for Isabelle. He hopes their soul mate accepts them, hopes they will find them and leave happily.
After a year, it is easier to fall asleep, easier to breath, easier to train and focus but the loneliness doesn't fade. The missing piece remains palpable and he wonders if it will ever go away.
He forces himself to stop caring, forces himself to eat and sleep. Alec doesn't worry about the clothes he wears, focuses on training, on protecting his family.
Family is everything he has.
If sometimes, he yearns for cat like eyes, he doesn't acknowledge it….no, Alec doesn't want to think about how it is his fault, how he pushed his soulmate away…..because Alec had known that soulmate did not mean a romantic relationship.
He had always known this but he fell for the trap, of wishing for a love story.
He had pushed and now Alec is lost in a sea, drowning with nothing but his family keeping him afloat.
It is enough.
It had to be.
He doesn't like her.
Perhaps part of it is that he is jealous. They have always been just the three of them and Max. His family.
Part of it is because he sees the way that Jace looks at her, intrigued, and Alec can see that the blond is falling for her. Hard. He sees it, can feel it, doesn't know how, but he feels it, the pull between them. Bond? Alec doesn't know, because Clary isn't a Shadowhunter, not officially and Jace….still doesn't have a name…..
And a small part…very tiny…that Alec ignores, or tries to…..hurts when he sees her because he knows that face from his dreams. He remembers seeing flashes, of a girl, younger, a child, but Alec knows that it is her and he hates her.
Because it still hurts and she will hurt everyone, he feels it.
He wants her out but Jace doesn't and so she stays.
And with her comes a boy, curly hair and the way he looks at Clary, it is obvious that he loves her. And it only makes Alec's fear grow…..
People will get hurt and it is his job to make sure that that doesn't happen. He protects them while they rush forward in life, he stays in the back, keeping them safe. Until now.
How can he keep them safe from this?
They are growing up.
Alec feels the panic swell in him, feeling his world tilting, changing, and he watches his sister, the way she bounces back and forth from guys, the way her eyes move to the mundanes. Both of them.
Jace keeps his eyes glued to Clary, seeing nothing else….except, for when he glances at Simon and Alec slowly realizes that Simon will hurt them all as much as Clary will.
And as they rush to help the mundane girl….he hears it.
His heart stutters, breathe hitching and he freezes, listening to them talk about going to one of his parties, talking to him, asking him for help.
Alec doesn't want to go and he wishes for the first time that he was a mundane, asked to stay behind, away from him, from the warlock.
But he doesn't because he is Alec, the Shadowhunter, and most importantly, the Older Brother.
Alec doesn't know what he was expecting, but he feels those eyes on him.
He can barely hear anything above the sound of his heart, eyes glued to the floor. He doesn't want to look at him, doesn't want to talk to him, because the black hole in his soul is widening. Alec didn't know it was possible but he feels worse than he ever felt.
He wants to step next to Magnus Bane, reach out and touch him, knowing, knowing that if he did the pain would face. Instead, Alec looks around, knowing that anything could happen, that he needs to keep an eye out. He forces himself with all of his might, to focus. He can't let himself be swayed.
Alec digs his fingers into the palm of his hand, keeping himself steady, reminding himself why he was there. He is being called out by the bond, and he doesn't know why, when it was dead and cold for the past two years. It is like if it was trying to come back but Alec pushes it away, squashes it in panic. He can't let it come back if only for it to vanish again. He couldn't deal with that.
He looks up and meets those cat eyes, unable to read them, unable to see what it is Magnus wants. No. The Warlock. Not Magnus. Never Magnus.
There is a commotion around him but he can't break his eyes away from those cat eyes. He knows that Magnus is lying about Clary, he knows it, but he can't make a sound. Can't move away until he sees Mag-no- the Warlock, try to get closer.
The bond hums and Alec runs.
Because he wants to fall into those arms, wants to fall into the bond again, he had wanted that ever since he could remember.
But he can't.
Alec watches the way that Clary protects Simon, the way she puts everything into getting her mother back.
He understands that, understands family. It doesn't mean he has to like it.
Because he doesn't.
Not when Jace is tense, looking from Clary to Simon, and Alec wishes he could ask what happened but Jace wouldn't tell.
He wants to laugh or cry, he isn't sure. The emptiness in him continues to grow, and the silence in the van doesn't help. He thinks about Magnus, how now that he's seen him, met him, Alec feels worse. He doesn't want to feel this anymore and in that moment, he curses the bond.
He curses it with everything he has, and for a split second he hopes that Magnus can feel it, feel it all.
And then, as he sees the darkness in Jace's eyes, he takes it back.
Alec had felt the pain when his bond was denied, it is a pain no one should go through. So he takes it back.
Because he doesn't hate Magnus.
Alec never could and never would.
The fire engulfs him and he screams, feeling like he was being ripped apart. There was nothing to hold him together and he felt like this was it, everything was too much. He was being destroyed, burned until he was only ashes.
Hold on to me. I'm here. Don't leave me.
He hears a voice and he knows that voice.
Alec embraces it, clings to it, brings it into his soul, curling around it and suddenly the fire begins to fade until he can feel the slightest warmth on his skin, tickling him. He feels renewed.
You'll be fine now. I'm here. You're fine.
Alec believes it, believes him, the man with the cat eyes.
He falls into a peaceful slumber and he feels whole, like he can take the world….
Alec feels perfect.
He is in and out for a whole day, Isabelle tells him, hesitating over telling him about Magnus and he knows why.
The bracelet he wore on his wrist is gone. The rune that spelled Magnus' name was still there, but now it has a combined rune to it, Alexander's name.
Alec gasps at the comforting feeling he feels the moment he reaches out to grasp at the bond. There is a pull, a tug on the bond, and he knows that he is being called.
I'm sorry, Isabelle whispers but he hugs her, because there is really nothing to be sorry about.
Because how can he be angry when he feels excellent? And he knows that it is wrong, that there is so many things that he needs to take care off, his family that needs to be looked after…but Alec only wants to see Magnus right then and there.
He doesn't, not yet.
Not when he sees how tired Jace looks and how Isabelle hates leaving Alec alone, afraid he'll slip through her fingers.
It is good, he thinks, because he gets used to the warmth under his skin and the cat eyes that peer into him in his dreams.
But even as the bond feels good, Alec still remembers the emptiness from before.
And even though he wants to fall into the calmness that the bond provides, he can't.
He fidgets under the walock's eyes, unsure of himself, hesitant.
Thank you for saving my life.
I couldn't let you die.
Alec flinches because that made sense, Magnus was called in for another job. That was all.
I could not lose you, again.
Magnus had cut their bond, he had done it, so why?
You must understand, Alexander, that I had never felt anything like I did on that day…
Alec does understand, there is no way he couldn't, not with the emotions seeping through the bond. It didn't change the fact that Magnus had pushed him away, blocked him out.
I was afraid.
It hurt me too.
Alec doesn't know when or how, and with Magnus' arms wrapping around him, he doesn't care. It feels right, being in Magnus' arms, just holding each other.
Alec feels at peace, like nothing could go wrong.
They still have to talk about everything, what they want to do, what they went through, what they expect….everything….Alec knows this but he wants to believe Magnus, wants to believe that this is his happy ending, that he could have that fairytale love? Was that wrong?
No darling, there is nothing wrong with that.
Alec sighs and smiles.
He found his soul mate.
Malec was there obviously through the whole thing because soul mates, but yes, didn't have much of them interacting until the end. But maybe I'll write drabbles in this universe.
I ship Simon/Jace and I kind of threw in hints in there that could have been taken, I think, in many ways...but I might continue this drabble with one in Simon's POV.
Besides, I'm sure people want to know how the mundanes find out who their soulmate is and how it works for the Downworlders, because they all find the name of their mates in different ways. Didn't go into that in this, cause Alec's POV, but I did think about it.
But we'll see, either way hope you enjoyed the drabble.