So, friend of mine and I were playing around a while ago and came up with this. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect. BioWare, EA, they own it, they make, like a bajillion dollars a minute out of it. Not me.


From the Book of Sheperd (or 'The Rules of the Normandy')

-Better a krogan at my side than a krogan in my face.

-If you're going to use Push, aim far a long drop.

-The words 'assuming direct control' should only be said if you require assistance in committing suicide.

-The only good turian is a tame one (yes, Garrus that means you)

-The only good asari is a naked one (yes, Liara that means you)

-You see a Reaper. I see a tin can that's acquired sentience.

-You see Cerberus, I see idiots who've lived too long.

-The Three laws of robotics have no meanig to Reapers (I tried)

-The Illusive Man will from this day forth be known as 'Sir Sparkly Eyes the Fabulous' as this is much more appropriate.

-Saren tried way too hard to sound threatrning.

-You haven't lived until you've ridden a thresher maw (Grunt, get to it'

-The laws of physics are for wimps.

-Citadel council does not exist for target practuces. This is why I had the Sparatus pinata made.

-Phantom swords make for acceptable battle trophies. Kai Leng's head is definitely acceptable.

-Do net attempt to eat Udina. His probably poisonous.

-This goes double fot Miranda.

-Addendum: Miranda is probably better in other means than as a meal. Be sure to explore possibilities at length.

-Skynet is not a suitable role model fot an AI.

-Neither is HAL 9000.

-Neither is KARR.

-EDI is banned from watching 20th century scifi involving insane AI. Seriously, Joker, just stop.

-EDI cannot create her own Terminators, and must refrain from trying.

-Miranda cannot rebuild you into Robocop. At best, you'd be the Sixs Billion Dollar Man. Stop asking, Joker.

-A Thanex enima is not an appropriate negoiation tool.

-Neither is an Executioner Pistol pressed against the crotch area acceptable in any circumstances.

-No, Garrus, nobody wants to watch you 'shine you Thanex cannon'.

-Addedum: I do! - Tali

-Addendum - Me too! - Ashley

-Addendum 2: You realize I have a video of you talking about how you'd like to share Garrus with me during that party, Tali? -Shepard.

-Addendum 3: You bitch... -Tali

-Addendum 4: I have video of you humping Samara's leg, Shepard. -Ashley

-Addendum 5: DIE, BITCH! -Shepard

-Ashley is no longer allowed to play with the assault rifles off mission.

-Addendum: I hate you... -_- - Ashley.

-No, Joker, you may no apply to have the Normandy on 'Pimp my Ride'. Our ride is pimp enough as is.

-No, Garrus, you may not have our guns modified by Red Jacket Firearms.

-Shepard, by Intergalactic Law of Badassery and Karma for Saving the Galaxy, is allowed to have a harem.

-No, Miranda, catsuits with cleavage window are not the height of fashion.

-Addendum: No matter how much they may make Shepard wisht o spirit you away for her harem.

-Addendum: No fair? Why does she get a harem? - Joker.

-Addendum: Because she saved the damn galaxy. The only thing you saved was the Normandy, once. And that's balanced out by you losing the first one. -Ashley

-Addendum: Besides. I don't share. - EDI.

-Sheperd is never allowed to drive ever again. - Jacob

-Addendum: Whether that be Mako, Hammerhead, OR Kodiak.

-Addendum: See if you get invited to the harem of nearly all women. - Sheperd.

-Addendum: Am I invited? - Garrus.

-Addendum: YES! - Tali

-Addendum: YES! - Ashley

-Addendum: YES! - Sheperd

-Addendum: JACKPOT! -Garrus

-Addendum: Can I join? -Kaidan

-Addendum: after strenuous examination and... quality testing, I decree Kaiden is in. - Sheperd.

-Citadel is not a party house. Sheperd is not allowed to take over the Council chamber as 'DJ Shep'. - Sparatus.

-She is not allowed to assassinate Sparatus. She is not allowed to prank Valern. She is DEFINITELY not allowed to seduce Tevos.

-Addendum: I don't know... should we throw our fellow Councillor to the she-wolf to spare ourselves Shepard's attentions, Valern? -Sparatus

-Addendum 2: I think so, yes. -Valern

-Addendum 3: Traitors! -Tevos

-Addendum 4: Come with me, Tevos. I promise to take good care of you... -Shepard

-Geth are not gaming consoles, Sheperd-Commander - Legion.

-Addendum: I saw your Shadow Broker files, Legion. You're a bigass gamer. - Sheperd

-Addendum: ...These are not the files you are looking for? - Legion

-Mass Relay's are not high tech Stargates. They do not takes us to Planet Canada.

-Stop calling our weapons requisitions officer "Sugar Daddy" and stop asking for your "explosive fix". It's making him nervous and creeps the rest of us out.

-Miranda is not Catwoman, despite her preferred dress.

-Addendum: even if she does look better in black - Kelly (Chambers)

-Addendum: how do YOU know? - Ashley

-Addendum: Patient confidentiality. Suffice it to say that Miranda Lawson is a naughty little kitty-cat. - Kelly

-Omnitool are not iPods.

-Addendum: Lies! - Joker

-Miranda is not a closet otaku, nor does she like to cosplay.

-Addendum: And what was that the last time I came into your room unannounced, then? - Sheperd

-Addendum: YOU SAW NOTHING. - Miranda

-Addendum: Mm mm, I distinctly saw the hem of a Sailor Moon cosplay outfit under that dressing gown. - Miranda

Addendum: And how do you know what that looks like? - Joker

Addendum: Um... I... erm... I KNOW NOTHING! - Sheperd

-Krogan's are not Sontarans.

-Addendum: What's a Sontaran? - Garrus

-Addendum: Cloned warrior baked potatoes. - Joker

-Addendum: o.O - Garrus

-There will be no disassembly of the Normandy's engines. Especially in flight.

-Addendum: AWWWWWWW! - Engineers.

-Addendum: Meany! - Tali

-Commander Sheperd is not a zombie.

-Nor is she a ghost.

-Nor is she a Terminator.

-Nor is she a Spartan.