Author's Note: Inspired by "La Musique de Tristesse de Xion" from Kingdom Hearts. I highly recommend you listen to it, as it is a beautiful piece of music. Anyways, this is set in early season 7. Please note this story deals with ATTEMPTED SUICIDE. IF THIS BOTHERS YOU IN ANY WAY, PLEASE DO NOT READ. Thanks! I hope you enjoy!
"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."
—Gary Jules, "Mad World"
The sun glints off the hood of the silver Prius and with a small sigh, Sam gets out of the stolen vehicle and glances around the parking lot. The motel is jammed packed with cars of all sizes, colors, makes and models, but it isn't as simple as taking a car that appeals to him. Picking a car to steal required a lot of thought—it had to be inconspicuous and if possible, it had to be a nicer car. Nicer, more expensive cars; while riskier to steal, often able to sneak past passersby's without arousing any suspicion.
And right now, he can't afford to catch anyone's eye.
Not when he's on the run.
"So, Sammy," A sinisterly gleeful voice pipes up from beside him. A freezing hand clasps his shoulder and the youngest Winchester does his best to hide his disgusted reaction, yet he still winces involuntarily. "Where we headed?"
He ignores Lucifer and focuses his gaze on a pick-up with faded paint. It was a truck that wouldn't catch anyone's gaze nor would be people realize it was gone until later in the day. It was nice enough that people would just assume that it needed a coat of paint and wouldn't even think twice about it being stolen.
He had already turned the GPS off on his cellphone as soon as soon as he left Bobby's, yet he didn't have the heart to ditch the phone like he knew he should. No doubt Dean and Bobby would frantically be trying to trace it, but it was to no avail. Sam knew just as many tricks as the two of them did—he had been raised in the life, after all—and the phone company wouldn't be able to turn it on remotely; he had made certain of that.
"You know you want to just pick up the phone," Lucifer teases in a singsong voice. "But, hey, it's none of my business, right?" Sam ignores him and also ignores the phone as it begins to buzz in his pocket. He knows who it is and he knows if he answers, his plan would fall through. As soon as the buzzing stops, he pulls the small cellphone out and glances at the screen.
Missed call—Dean. One new voicemail.
This is the fifth call in the past hour.
"Sorry, Dean." He mumbles and watches with a careful eye. He presses a few buttons on the phone, raises it to his ear and listens to his brother's frantic voice as he calmly breaks into the pickup and gets in.
On the open road once more, changes his direction and gets onto a different highway that doubles back for a bit, just in case he's being followed. He can't take too many chances, not when everything is riding on this.
He replays the voicemail and sighs.
This is for the best.
He just wishes he could see his brother one more time.
"Playing message five." The phone reports mechanically and Sam settles into his seat. He was almost there now. "Sammy, please, come back." Dean's voice is broken and desperate, like a dying man trying to bargain with death for one more day. It saddens the youngest Winchester that he is the one responsible for Dean's state, but it's for Dean that he is doing this. "Sam, whatever it is, whatever he is telling you is not true. We got you out, okay?" Lucifer groans in the backseat and rolls his eyes dramatically; Sam ignores him. "Just . . . please, Sam." Dean's voice breaks. "Please call me and I will come and get you, okay? Bobby is worried sick. You know how much of a mother hen he is." The eldest Winchester chuckles wetly and dimly, Sam realizes that his brother is crying, shedding tears for his sake. "Please, Sam . . . just come back."
Sam doesn't realize he's crying until the road blurs before him.
Still, he's resolved to see this through and keeps moving on.
This is for the best, after all.
He's standing on a cliffside, somewhere in California.
He's looking down at the endless blue sea before him, which spreads out as far as the eye can see. If he were to take a step right now, he could end it all. End the suffering, end the pain, and end everything that he continues to ruin with each minute that he remains alive. It's a fitting place to let go of it all, considering Jess had died not far from here in a fire that he was responsible for.
"Wow, grim much?" the Devil remarks beside him, smirking slightly as he takes a look over the edge. "Big drop there. You're going to really do it?" Lucifer's eyes fill with a glint of glee. He claps his hands together enthusiastically. "Gotta say Sam, I'm proud of you. This will fix everything."
Sam ignores him, like he always does.
That doesn't mean he isn't right though.
"Not much time now." Sam mumbles softly, so softly that he barely hears it over the roar of the waves. He just has to finish up a few things, make sure all his affairs are in order. Part of him doesn't want to die—the selfish part of him, he concedes—but he knows in the long run it will be better this way. He will finally stop being a burden to his brother and he will finally be able to atone for his mistakes. For the longest time, all he had wanted was a clean slate.
And now, with the waves below him, he will finally get one.
"Message 17." Whir of the phone as it retrieves his latest message. His inbox will be getting full soon, but there's no sense in deleting them. He won't be around to deal with the consequences anyways. He's holed up in a pretty nice motel—clean carpets, stainless walls, clean sheets—he's carefully bundled up all his belonging and placed them on his bed. Dean is on his trail now; enough time has passed that the eldest Winchester is sure to pick up on his location, but it won't matter.
Dean won't get here in time.
"Sam, son, it's me." Sam freezes in surprise for this is the first message that Bobby has left. Up until now, it had been various words left by his freaked out older brother, which Sam had listened to, but then promptly filed away. Dean will get over him dying. It would take time, but he would move on with his life and maybe he would finally get out of hunting. At least this way, Sam could keep him safe. No more Hell threatening to destroy Sam's sanity and then cause Dean's downfall.
No more mistakes.
"Look, I don't know what fucked up crap is running through your head right now—"
"Blunt, isn't he?" Lucifer snaps from his perch on the edge of the bed, slightly upset.
"But you gotta put it aside and stop whatever it is your doing." The sincerity in Bobby's voice softens Sam's hardened expression. He drops the shirt he was folding and moves closer to the small phone laying on the table, as if he could almost get closer to the older hunter that way. "Your brother's worried sick, but I think you already know that," Sam nods his head; he expected that. "And Sam, I gotta tell you that I'm worried too. Wherever you are, it ain't good and you ain't thinking straight."
"That's where he's wrong," Lucifer chirps. "You are thinking straight. Finally."
"I know you, Sam," Bobby insists. "I know you feel like you have to atone for everything you did while you were soulless and when you were high on demon blood, but Sam, listen to me." The older hunter's tone sharpens and Sam leans in, wanting to hear what he has to say next. "You are forgiven. You saved the world, son, you paid for your sins. Now, come home so I can help Dean kick your ass for making us worry, okay?"
Silence fills the room as the message ends. Bobby's words echo in Sam's mind and he turns them over and studies them. They have a certain logic to them, the youngest Winchester supposes.
"Amazing the things your mind can come up with," Lucifer hisses and he steps forward with a blade in his hand. "But, hey, I can show you what's real, if you need me to." He grins maliciously and Sam shrinks back. He remembers the pain of Hell, the fury of Lucifer and he won't risk it again.
He has to get out of this nightmare.
"Atta boy, Sammy." Lucifer praises with a quick grin and a hand to his shoulder. "Showtime, right?"
The sea breeze is refreshing and with the moonlight shining on him, he figures it's not the worst way to go. It's sort of peaceful actually. Around him, stars twinkle and owls hoot. He's far away enough that the sound of the cars on the road nearby is overpowered by the sea waves.
"Any last words?" Lucifer chirps from his side and Sam ignores him. He had left letters back at the motel room for his brother and Bobby; he had no doubt they would find them soon. Sam wasn't one for famous last words; it wasn't like anyone would be able to hear them. Still, deep down, he wishes he could see Dean once more. The youngest Winchester has no idea where he'll end up after breaking free of this fake reality, but he takes comfort in the fact that his older brother—the most important person in the world to him—is safe with Lisa.
That's all Sam ever wanted for him.
As he edges closer to the end of the cliff, he pulls out the small, wrinkled photo of the two of them when they had been in their teens. It was one of the few photographs they had of each other taken in a moment of cheerfulness by their father. Sam has treasured it all these years and it is with this image that he'll picture as he falls.
Eyes shut, he takes a step off of the edge.
Then, stops suddenly. His first thought is disbelief, followed by pain because someone is holding his arm for dear life and it hurts. He's dangling there and he can hear a steady stream of curses above him. Confused, eyes wide, he looks up.
"Jesus, Sammy," Dean growls, is gritting his teeth as he attempts to pull his baby brother up and out of imminent danger. "You need to lay off the salads." Unexpectedly, Sam's eyes well up with tears because his brother found him, he came through once more.
"Dean—" His body slips downwards and immediately, the two brothers realize that the eldest Winchester will not be able to hold on for long. Smiling softly, he blinks back his tears and stares at his brother. "Let me go, okay?"
"Never." Dean hisses as pulls harder, only to lose some more ground as Sam slips lower.
"Dean, you have to!"
"No, I don't!" His older brother retorts. "You think you can just go off and die? You think you can just leave me alone?" His eyes flash with fury mixed with grief. "Well, fuck you, Sam! You think you know what's best for me but did you even stop to think to ask me my opinion of what I thought about this grand plan of yours?" Sam ducks his head, ashamed.
"Forget him!" Lucifer shouts. "None of this real anyways. He's not real!" Dean must notice your gaze going somewhere else for his nails bite into your cut and with a wince from pain, the Devil vanishes.
"Keep looking at me, okay?" Dean pleads. "I'm real and as soon as we get you somewhere safe, I'm gonna kick your ass for this."
It's such a stereotypical Dean response that the youngest Winchester chuckles. Sam isn't stupid though; he knows that Dean won't be able to pull him back off. He's ready to die, especially now that his final wish has been fulfilled. His brother has to let him go or he will be dragged down once more because of Sam's action.
"Dean, let go."
"Sam—!" His hand slips just a bit and Sam dangles further down.
"It's alright, Dean," The youngest Winchester assures him calmly. "It will be okay, Dean. You can let me go."
"Never!" His older brother snaps viciously. "I lost you once! I'm not going to do it again." Dean's on his stomach, desperately trying to hold on as well as pull his baby brother back up. Sam decides to take the choice out of his hands. He shakes his hand gently, loosening it from his brother's death grip. Dean's horrified, but Sam just grins at him.
"Thanks for everything."
"I can't leave you two alone for a minute," A voice grumbles from above and Bobby's face swims into view. Dean huffs out a laugh, clearly relieved as the older man begins to pull the eldest Winchester back. Dean's grip on Sam's hand tightens and before he knows it, Sam finds himself back on solid ground. "Idjits." He glances back at the edge of the cliff and thinks about what he almost did, thinks about Dean desperately holding onto him and refusing to let go. If this was just a picture in his head, it sure was convincing.
"Dean—" The big brother pulls Sam into his arms and holds him, fierce and tight, like Sam is the only thing keeping him alive and functioning right now. Sam lets himself be held, savoring his brother's touch because it's been too long since he's felt so safe before. This feels right; this is real.
"Don't you ever do that again." His brother whispers, voice breaking slightly and Sam only has the strength to nod his head. Bobby shakes his head, though fondness and relief is evident in his expression.
And for the first time since the wall broke, Lucifer is nowhere to be seen.
Dean never does kick his ass.
If anything, the older Winchester sticks around more, showers more praise on Sam and seems to be in a better mood than usual. He jokes, he laughs, and he plays pranks on not only him but Bobby as well. It's nice, Sam will admit, if not a bit disconcerting. They haven't discussed his suicide attempt despite the fact that a week had passed. Bobby was the one to sit him down and explain how much the youngest Winchester is needed and how important he is to the both of them.
"Truth be told, Sam," Bobby had said with a tired grin tugging at his lips. "If you had succeeded, I don't think I would've been able to handle it. I know your brother would've just jumped off after you." Eyes locked on Sam's gaze, he continued. "Don't you ever think like your life doesn't matter because it damn well does, you hear me?"
Sam's relieved to find out that he's been forgiven for all his past mistakes. He didn't want to die, not truly, but he had been so sure that his staying alive would've hurt Dean and Bobby in the long run. Coupled with the fact that he wasn't even sure if this was the "real" world and Lucifer's constant goading, he figures it was just lucky he hadn't tried it earlier.
Still, he knows what's real now and he will do his best to get through this.
"Sammy?" Dean's standing at the door of Bobby's place, jacket tucked under his arm, waiting patiently as the keys to the Impala dangle from his finger. "You ready?" They are going to town to get some pizza and Sam knows that this is what he will fight for—keeping Dean and Bobby happy and safe. For them, there's nothing he won't do. He will fight not only because he was a Winchester and Winchesters didn't know when to quit, but also because his family needs him here.
They had given him the clean slate that he had wished for so much.
"Yeah, coming." Sam replies with a grin. He feels so much better now, full of calm and happiness rather than grief and dread. He can do this, just one day at a time.
"Sure, Sammy," Lucifer whispers into his ear. "But just remember that I will always be there with you every step of the way."
"Sam?" Dean's staring at him with a bit of worry in his expression. Sam forces himself to smile and walk over to the door and then head outside. He ignores the dark chuckles that rattle around in his brain and he breathes calmly in and out.
He can do this.
He will do this.
Just one day at a time.
For Dean. For Bobby.
And hey, maybe even for himself.
"You sure you're okay?" Dean asks as the duo gets into the car.
"I'm fine." Sam lies because he will be fine. It will take some time, but he can handle this. He had survived Hell; he could deal with the Devil.
In the backseat, Lucifer just howls with laughter.
Author's Note: I love how the piece turned out. I hope you did too! Thanks for reading!