The former Merc-With-The-Mouth known as Wade Wilson was sat in bed. He was surrounded by several nubile young women dressed in their unmentionables. Okay, they were technically students at the Institute, but it wasn't as if Wade was a teacher there, was it?
Wallflower of the new Mutants squad was having a pillow fight with Mercury of the Hellions squad. Wallflower was dressed in a skimpy white negligee while Mercury was dressed in black. Both girls giggled excitedly as they walloped each other with pillows.
Wade managed to tear his gaze away, only to see X-23 and Nightingale of the Sirens dancing very dirtily.
Wade couldn't help but grin to himself as he thought of Wolverine's face if he knew what the young clone was up to.
Wade then shook such thoughts from his head. Why was he thinking of Wolverine when there were hot young women gathered about him.
Wade then felt his bed shift slightly as three figures clambered on top.
The three remaining Stepford Cuckoos: Phoebe, Fiona and Eve looked at Wade with predatory smiles. They were all dressed in attire that would make Emma Frost blush.
'Mr Wilson, can we tell you something personal…?' Phoebe purred.
'Go ahead…' Wade nodded. 'I'm all ears. Well, I'm not really but… You get the idea…'
Phoebe looked at her sisters before continuing.
'We have never been with a man before.' Phoebe stated.
Wade's heart flipped over at the thought.
Fiona and Eve both inched closer to their sister. Fiona held Phoebe's hand while Eve stroked her hair.
'We also haven't been together in front of a man…' Fiona purred.
Wade silently blessed his healing factor, otherwise he would have had a heart attack.
'I think we should give Mr Wilson a show, girls…' Eve smiled as she looked at her sisters.
'Mmm, that sounds like fun…' Phoebe chuckled.
The three identical blonde telepaths then began to inch ever closer. All three of them puckered up their lips and leant in close.
Wade jumped awake at the sound of his alarm clock.
Wade cursed his alarm clock. He was in the middle of a really good dream. He wouldn't be able to get to sleep now.
Wade looked under the sheets and cocked a curious eyebrow.
'At ease, boys.' He quipped.
Then the truth dawned on him. He was living in the middle of a school where many of the teachers were telepaths. If even one of them sensed his thoughts…
Wade shrunk back down into the sheets. Perhaps it would be best if he stayed in bed for a little while longer…
After a nice long, cold shower, Wade headed down to breakfast in the cafeteria with the rest of the X-Men. He made sure that he especially avoided the telepaths. Fortunately, Professor Xavier, Emma Frost and Jean Grey were nowhere to be seen. Wade sighed in relief as he took a place in the queue.
'Salutations, Wade…' Hank McCoy smiled kindly as he took a place behind Wade. 'Eager to sample some of the Institute's fine comestibles?'
'If any of that meant that I'm hungry, then yeah.' Wade replied. 'I'm built up a hunger something fierce.'
Hank cocked an curious eyebrow as he noticed Wade's unusual twitchiness.
'Wade, are you well?' Hank enquired. 'You seem awfully jittery. Was last night's slumber not satisfactory? Or did the fair Elizabeth keep you up all night with her shenanigans?'
'In... in... in a way…' Wade answered quickly, his eyes darting about nervously. 'I think I ate something that didn't agree with me.'
'Ah, I am fully aware of your unorthodox dietary tastes.' Hank chuckled. 'Mint chocolate chip ice-cream and raw stuffing mix is quite a remarkable mixture.'
'Yeah, I'm a regularly crazy guy.' Wade chuckled weakly, his eyes still darting about in search of any stray telepaths wandering his way.
Unfortunately, three certain identical blonde telepaths walked by. They all turned their heads as one and smiled at Wade.
'Good morning, Mr. Wilson…' The Cuckoos chimed in their eerie monotone.
Wade threw his tray up in the air with a yell.
'Why can't you people leave me alone!'
Hank, the Cuckoos and the majority of the cafeteria's occupants watched in bemusement as Wade ran out of the cafeteria, screaming like a girl.
'What the heck was that about?' A puzzled Warlock blinked.
'I'unno.' Rahne shrugged. 'I'm guessin' that Betsy broke him.'
Warlock just shook his head in sympathy.
The Danger Room-
Wade hoped that a session in the Danger Room would help work off his lusty wrong feelings.
The former Merc-With-The-Mouth was working out with Piotr, Kitty, Logan, Betsy and Scott. Both Wade and Betsy had accepted positions on the team to replace the pregnant Emma Frost and Jean Grey. But so far, they had yet to see any action. Well, apart from the mission to Canada (2).
Wade was presently sneaking through a holographic representation of New York. Today's session was little more than a grown-up version of hide and seek. One X-Man was appointed 'it' while the others hid around the landscape. Wade was 'it' and it was his job to find the others, by any means necessary. Unfortunately, Wade had not tagged one X-Man, but he was on the trail of Colossus. Wade had caught a telltale glint of light reflecting off the Russian mutant's metallic skin and began tracking him through the cityscape.
Wade crouched down on a fire escape as he watched Colossus walk along down below.
'Oh, this is gonna be sweet…' Wade chuckled to himself as he held an iron pipe in his hand. 'I'll show them who's the best at what they do…'
Wade stood up and placed one foot on the top of the railing as he prepared to jump down on top of Colossus. Unfortunately, Wade lost his footing and tumbled over the side.
'I regret nothiiiiiiing…!' Wade yelled as he plummeted to the ground, landing in an open dumpster.
'Oh God, Wade!' Kitty winced as she ran up to see what the problem was. 'Are you okay?'
'Never been better, Pryde.' Wade replied as he poked his head out of the dumpster. 'It looks like somebody up there likes me!'
Unfortunately, the lid of the dumpster chose that moment to fall down, hitting Wade square on the head.
'Damn dramatic irony…' Wade muttered from the confines of the dumpster.
It was bedtime for the X-Men as they split up and prepared to go up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire.
Betsy sat up and watched Wade as he walked out of their en suite, muttering all the while.
'Something wrong, luv?' Betsy asked concernedly.
'It's just been one of those days.' Wade sighed heavily as he flopped on to the bed. 'First I get awoken from a really good dream involving the Cuckoos, I miss breakfast, I screw up in the Danger Room, the flowers're laughing at me and Lockheed wants to eat my socks.'
Betsy processed the sudden outburst of data.
'Wait… Did you just dream about the Cuckoos?' Betsy frowned. 'One of those dreams?'
Wade mentally curse himself for being so stupid.
'Um… No?' Wade smiled innocently.
Betsy crossed her arms over her chest.
Wade scratched the back of his neck nervously.
'Well… it's not as if you haven't done the same thing. I've heard all about you and Doug Ramsey back in the day.'
'That's different…' Betsy started to retort.
'The guy saw you naked!' (3) Wade stated. 'That is way worse than me having dirty dreams about the Cuckoos!'
Betsy stuck out her bottom lip as she began to pout.
Wade grinned wickedly at the sight.
'You do know how much I love it when you pout, don't you?' Wade growled as he leant in close.
Despite her mood, Betsy couldn't help but soften at that.
'Mmm, do tell…' The purple-haired Brit smiled.
Wade looked Betsy straight in the eyes as his grin began to grow.
'How about I just show you…?'
The former Merc With A Mouth known as Deadpool was sleeping peacefully in bed next to his girlfriend Elizabeth 'Psylocke' Braddock. That was until he was forcibly woken up by his alarm clock.
Wade jumped straight out of bed and fell to the floor.
'Bea Arthur!' Wade yelled as he jumped to his feet. Then he started to look about himself nervously. 'I sure hope nobody heard me say that out loud just then…' Wade muttered to himself. 'Damn healing factor. Making me lose my ability to have an inner monologue…'
Wade continued to mumble to himself as he swatted at his errant alarm clock, knocking it off the bedside table and straight onto his foot.
'Damn alarm clock!' Wade hissed as he pulled a gun out form under his pillow. 'I'll bash you good!'
The loopy former mercenary then proceeded to pump the poor little alarm clock full of bullets.
Once the gun had run out of ammo, Wade just stood there panting with exertion.
'Aww, dammit!' Wade palmed his face. 'I did it again! Betsy's gonna go nuts!'
As if to reply to his comment, Betsy rolled over to face Wade with a sleepy mumble.
'The bread is in the middle of the road…' Betsy mumbled.
Wade just shook his head at that. Sometimes he worried about the British telepath.
Later that day-
After getting hurriedly dressed and having a quick breakfast, Wade made his way to the garage where he had an extra special surprise for Betsy.
Wade was presently standing in front of a rather large object covered in a dust cloth. Betsy was also there. She was trying to inch closer to get a peek at whatever it was under the dust sheet.
'Oh, come on, Wade…' Betsy said as she tried to take a peek under the sheet. 'Please tell me what you've got. I could make it worth your while…'
'Your feminine wiles won't help you now, Cute Buns.' Wade replied. 'And you know how much I like your wiles.'
Betsy then decided to bring out the greatest weapon in her arsenal: the Almighty Puppy-Dog Pout! No man could resist its magic. Betsy had first used the pout as a weapon when she was a child and couldn't get her own way. Her father was a sucker for it. As were her twin brother, Brian, and their older brother, Jamie.
Betsy looked at Wade with big innocent eyes and stuck out her bottom lip, giving it a little wobble.
Wade just looked back at her unflinchingly.
'Your powers are weak, old man…' Wade sniffed. 'You cannot possibly hope to defeat me. I was once the learner, but now… I am the master… debater.'
Wade snickered at his joke.
'Man, I slay me…' Wade wiped a tear from his eye. 'So, the surprise…'
Wade took hold of the edge of the dust sheet and prepared to pull it away.
'Preeeeesenting the All-New, All-Different… Deadmobile!'
Wade yanked the dust sheet away to reveal a brand new, pale blue Cadillac. The car looked as if it had just been ripped off from the set of Grease or something.
Betsy just gaped at the sight.
'What the bloody hell..?' Betsy blinked. 'What possessed you…?'
Wade just lay on the hood of the car as if he were a model in a calendar.
'Yeah. Ain't it cool?' Wade grinned as he stroked his new car's shiny veneer. 'I saw this little baby on the lot and couldn't resist. It was almost as if it was talking to me. Buy me. It said. Buy meeeeee!'
Betsy could barely process the news.
'It-it-it's…. horrible!' Betsy blurted. 'There's no way in hell that I'd be seen dead in that… monstrosity!'
'Aww, I'm sure you'll soon come around, Cute Buns.' Wade smiled as he swung his legs around the edge of the car and jumped off. 'Why, just look at all the cool junk under the hood!'
Wade popped the hood to show off his new car's innards.
'Why, this baby is automatic. Hydromatic. Systematic. Symptosymatic….'
'It's like greased bloody lightning.' Betsy deadpanned.
'Well, if you're going to be sarcastic, you're not going to play with her…' Wade sniffed as he slammed the hood back down.
Betsy then noticed that her boyfriend's eyes had begin to brim with tears.
'Oh luv…' Betsy cooed as she took Wade's hand in hers. 'It's only a car. There's no need to get upset about it…'
'It's not that…' Wade winced. 'I trapped the tip of my thing under the hood…'
After Wade had recovered fro his little… accident, he had decided to go back to bed for a little lie down. Nothing took it out of Wade more than an injury to Wade Junior.
Wade had almost fallen asleep when he was alerted to something scratching against his window.
Wade rolled over so he could see who was tapping at his window. It was Lockheed the Dragon. The little purple alien dragon seemed to have something in his mouth.
Wade smiled at the sight and he got up out of bed and opened the window so Lockheed could fly inside.
'Hey there Dragon, what you got there?' Wade asked as he patted Lockheed on the head.
Lockheed opened his mouth and dropped his 'gift' into Wade's hand. It was a pair of women's underwear. Or to be more precise, a white thong.
Now, it was well known all through the Institute that Lockheed had a habit of making a nest in Kitty pryde's panty drawer. There was also suspicion that Lockheed was behind a spate of underwear robberies. What the rest of the X-Men didn't know was the fact that Lockheed was actually working for somebody else. That somebody else was… Wade Wilson!
Wade turned the white thong around in his hands. He had been after this particular item for quite some time. Emma frost's underwear would go for a bundle on eBay.
'God boy, Dragon…' Wade grinned as he scratched Lockheed under the chin. 'I guess I'd better reward your hard work…'
Wade headed to the closet where he kept his extra-secret Twinkie stash. Lockheed licked his lips in anticipation as Wade grabbed a couple of bags.
'Here you go, buddy.' Wade grinned as he handed Lockheed the sugary treats. 'Don't eat them all at once.'
Lockheed cooed in thanks and promptly departed before he could be discovered. Then Wade sat down to celebrate his prize.
'BWA-HA-HAAAA!' Wade laughed out loud. 'With this thong, my collection is complete! Now I have a pair of underwear for every X-Woman in the Institute!'
Wade's celebration was cut short as Betsy walked into the room.
'Wade, are you okay?' Betsy asked. 'I thought I heard a yell.'
Wade silently curse himself and hid the thong behind his back.
'Everything's fine Cute Buns. Really.' Wade smiled innocently. 'Nothing going on here…'
Betsy narrowed her eyes in suspicion.
'What's that you're hiding?'
'Nothing…' Wade lied, his eyes darting about nervously. 'W-wait. What are you doing? No! don't snatch…!'
Betsy made a grab for whatever Wade was hiding and snatched the thong away.
'Why have you got one of Emma's thongs?' Betsy narrowed her eyes. 'Is there something you want to tell me?'
'Umm… I had Lockheed steal panties so I could sell them on eBay?' Wade smiled innocently. 'I'm in trouble, aren't I?'
'Not if you give me a percentage.' Betsy smiled mischievously.
'Forty-sixty?' Wade asked.
'More like seventy-thirty.' Betsy countered. 'Unless you want to be punished. And I don't mean in a good way.'
'That's extortion!' Wade sulked.
'Ain't it just?' Betsy crossed her arms over her chest with a victorious smile. 'Well, we've got all the X-Women taken care of. I think it's time to take care of the Avengers…'
It was a special day in the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning. It was Betsy Braddock's birthday, and all the X-Men had gathered around to watch the purple-haired British ninja open her presents.
Betsy eyed a particularly big box with suspicion. The box was roughly her height. There was no telling what could be inside.
'I hope you like this present, Betsy.' Ororo smiled. 'Logan and I had to comb the entire Tri-State area for your gift.'
Betsy's eyes lit up at the thought.
'Ooh! Is it expensive?' Betsy grinned. 'Is it pretty? Is it Orlando Bloom?'
'Aww, nuts.' Logan tutted. 'Ya saw through us.'
'Ha-ha.' Betsy rolled her eyes. 'Real funny, old man.'
'Less of the cheek, Betts.' Logan sighed. 'Do us a favour an open it, okay?'
Betsy did as she was told, and promptly shredded the paper that wrapped her present. Betsy stood back in shock once she saw what her resent was. It was a giant chocolate fountain. (1)
'Oh. My. God…' Jubilee blinked. 'A real live chocolate fountain. That is so cool!'
Jubilee then spun to glare at Logan.
'Why the hell didn't I get one of those on my birthday? You know how much I wanted one.'
Logan quickly changed the subject.
'So Wade, what did you get Betsy?'
Wade opened his mouth to reply, but realised that he hadn't bought Betsy a present at all.
'Umm… My present is upstairs…' Wade mumbled as he slowly backed away. 'I will just go and get it…'
Wade then turned around and fled outside to his manly scooter. The scooter in question was red and had several stickers plastere dover it. Y'know the kind. 'My other scooter is the Millennium Falcon', stuff like that(2)
'Have to buy a gift…' Wade muttered to himself as he tried to start up his moped. 'Start, damn you, start!'
The manly moped finally started up and Wade zipped out of the Institute before you could say 'badly-written fan fiction.'
Wade had made his way into Chinatown in his search for Betsy's birthday gift. He stopped outside a particularly spooky-looking store. It was all dark and gothic-looking. Which was kind of ironic seeing that he was in Chinatown and all.
'Hell. This place is as good as any.' Wade sniffed. 'Betsy has always liked Asian stuff. So why not get her an ancient Chinese antique or something…'
Wade made his way into the store. The smell from the incense almost knocked him to the floor.
'Man. That is rank…' Wade winced as he put his hand to his mouth. 'And people call cigarettes death sticks…'
Wade turned around to see a wizened old Chinese man standing before him. Wade screamed girlishly at the man's sudden appearance.
'Greetings, stranger.' The wizened old man smiled under his long white beard. 'How might I be of service?'
Wade finally composed himself.
'Umm… I'm looking for a birthday gift for my girlfriend, actually.' Wade cleared his throat nervously.
'Ah. We have many suitable items in this shop.' The old Chinese guy nodded. 'But I must warn you. All the items in this shop are cursed!' (3)
'Oh. That's bad…' Wade sighed.
'But they come with a free serving of frozen yoghurt.' The old Chinese guy smiled.
'Ooh. That's good.' Wade smiled.
'This frozen yoghurt is also cursed.' The old Chinese man warned ominously.
'Oh. That's bad.' Wade sighed.
'The frozen yoghurt comes in a variety of flavours.' The old Chinese man added happily.
'Ooh. That's good.' Wade smiled.
The old Chinese man turned ominous again.
'These flavours all contain potassium benzoate.'
Wade just stared blankly at the old Chinese man.
'That's bad.' The old Chinese man explained.
Wade blinked a couple of times.
'Aww, screw it. Just gimmie the purple plush rabbit.'
'You have made a wise choice, sir.' The old Chinese man smiled. 'A very wise choice… MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!'
'Geez. Must be a full moon.' Wade sniffed.
Back at Xavier's-
Wade had arrived home from his little shopping trip without anybody seeing him. He had popped in to see how Betsy was getting on with her giant chocolate fountain. The purple-haired telepath had her head dunked in the fountain as if she was bobbing for apples. She would be fine for the next half-hour or so. That gave Wade plenty of time to get washed up in time to give Betsy her present.
Wade walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist.
'Hunh. I don't remember taking the rabbit out of the bag.' Wade blinked as he saw the purple creature sat upon a chair. 'I don't even remember unwrapping it…'
Wade picked the plush rabbit up and carried it over to the bed.
'I am the Dread Dormammu and I am going to feast on your soul!'
'Cool!' Wade grinned. 'The bunny talks!'
The bunny turned its head to gaze evilly straight at Wade. An aura of fire appeared around the bunny's head.
'I said, I am the Dread Dormammu and I am going to feast on your soul! You, Wade Wilson!'
Wade dropped the bunny with a scream and ran straight out of the bedroom, dropping his towel on the way.
Emma Frost and Jean Grey blinked in surprise at the sight of the naked former Merc-with-the-Mouth.
'There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.' Emma sighed.
A short while later, Betsy made her way into the kitchen to look for a cloth to wash herself with. She had thoroughly gorged herself on her chocolate fountain, and needed a sit down.
Betsy stopped in her tracks as she saw Wade cowering under the table.
'What's the matter now, luv?' Betsy sighed. 'Are the Cuckoos stalking you again?'
'The bunny wants to kill me…' Wade whimpered as he held his knees to his chest and rocked back and forth. 'Can't sleep. The bunny wants to kill me… Can't sleep. The bunny wants to kill me…'
Betsy just shook her head and continued on with her search for a cloth. It looked like Wade was in the middle of another one of his psychotic moments. It was best if she just left him alone and let him get on with it.
Betsy spun around as she heard a strangled gurgle. The British telepath's eyes widened in surprise as she saw the sight before her. A plush rabbit was dunking Wade's head in Lockheed's water bowl.
'I will feast on your soul!' The evil bunny laughed maniacally. 'For I am the Dread Dormammu!'
Betsy quickly grabbed the plush rabbit up by its ears and yanked it off her boyfriend.
'Unhand me, mortal!' The evil bunny demanded. 'I am the Dread Dormammu! Death comes to those who cross me!'
'Aww. Who's a cute little evil bunny rabbit?' Betsy cooed. 'You are. Yes you are. You are a cute little evil bunny rabbit.'
'You dare mock me?' The evil bunny growled. 'I will feast on your soul as well! I will feast on all your souls! For I am the Dread Dormammu!'
'Then I shall call you Dormy.' Betsy smiled happily as she hugged the bunny to her chest. 'And you shall be mine. And you shall be my Dormy.' (4)
Betsy hugged Wade close.
'Oh Wade, my darling! This is the best birthday present ever!'
Wade just smiled nervously as he was pulled into the hug.
'Thank God I didn't buy the cursed monkey paw…'
Wade Wilson and Betsy Braddock were presently gathered in the War Room with Theresa Cassidy. Professor Xavier had called them with important news. Iceman, Polaris, Juggernaut, and Aurora had just arrived home from a double date. (1)
While a quartet of mutants returning from a double date was no news in itself, the events of the date were cause for some concern. They had been attacked by a gang of Sentinels. Sentinels that had the Shaw Industries emblem stamped on them. It seemed that Sebastian Shaw was up to his old tricks. Add to the fact that the Hellfire Club was suspected to have been responsible for kidnapping Bishop (2) and you could see why it was a busy time for the X-Men. Sage had already taken a group of X-Men to go and rescue Bishop.
'I am glad that the three of you have gathered here.' Xavier began. 'Several of my contacts within Shaw Industries have reported that assembly has begun on more Sentinels in Connecticut...'
'And you want us to go in there and get all smashy-smashy, right?' Wade deduced.
'I wouldn't have put it quite that way...' Xavier commented. 'But yes, your task is to shut down the Sentinel production facility before any more innocent bystanders are hurt.'
'Then what are we waiting for?' Betsy piped up. 'Let's go kick some!'
'What about that contact ye mentioned before, Wade?' Theresa remembered. 'How can he help us?'
Wade grinned mischievously under his mask. 'Just wait a few seconds and you'll find out, Terry. Bodyslide by three!'
No sooner had Wade said that, then the trio of X-Men disappeared in a flash of light as they were teleported away.
'That teleportation thingie's gotta be murder on the carpet.' Callisto commented.
Xavier looked back at his tentacled associate.
'Callisto, the War Room doesn't have a carpet.'
'Well, it should.' Callisto continued. 'And would it kill you to throw in a few pot plants? They would do wonders for yer decor.'
Wade, Betsy, and Theresa appeared in a chrome-covered room.
'I trust the teleportation process wasn't too disorientating.' Nathan Dayspring Summers said politely as he walked up to greet the trio.
'I think I'm gonna puke...' Wade doubled-over with a groan.
'Ye didnae mention that yuir contact was Cable!' terry frowned slightly. 'Why would the self-styled wannabe Messiah want tae join us?'
'For the betterment of mankind, Theresa.' Nathan explained. 'Shaw cannot be allowed to finish assembling the Sentinels.'
Then it was Betsy's turn to add her two cents.
'Not that I'm unhappy to see you, but... Why don't you just dismantle the Sentinels with your telekinesis from the relative safety of Providence? It would save a lot of time.'
'And miss out on an opportunity to give Shaw a good kick in the pants?' Nathan smirked. 'I don't think so.'
'Y'all gotta admire a man with priorities, huh?' A Texas-accented voice chuckled.
'Oh no.' Wade groaned. 'Not her. Anything but her.'
A statuesque blonde woman with her hair tied into a long ponytail and dressed like a cowgirl walked up to the team.
'What? Don't ah get a hug or anythin'?'
'Are we supposed to know you?' Betsy frowned at the woman.
'Ah should think so, hon.' The blonde cowgirl smiled as she sauntered up to the gang. 'Wilson and ah go waaay back...'
Betsy spun to shoot her boyfriend with a withering glare.
'You know this... this...'
'They call me Outlaw.' The woman introduced herself. 'Wade and ah did a few jobs together way back when. We're ol' buds. When ol' Nate here found out that y'all needed his help, he gave me a call.'
Betsy then shot Cable another withering glare.
'What?' He asked innocently. 'Just because I'm a wannabe Messiah, it doesn't mean that I can't have a sense of humour.'
'Can we please leave now?' Theresa groaned.
'Engage.' Cable quipped.
Wade held his head in his hands.
'I hate you...'
Shaw Industries Sentinel Production Facility, Connecticut-
Wade and the others reappeared in a flash of light outside the building that housed the Sentinel Production Facility.
'Are ye sure that it's safe f'r us tae teleport in this close?' Theresa frowned concernedly. 'Surely they've got sensors tae detect intruders.'
'I bet Nate's already got that covered.' Wade rolled his eyes. 'Scrambling their circuits with his telekinesis.'
'I am scrambling the circuits with my... never mind.'
'So what do we do now?' Betsy frowned. 'Just charge in there like gung-ho idiots not unlike... oh, I don't know... X-Force?'
Cable shook his head slightly.
'You reform the New Mutants into a paramilitary team, and you end up paying for it the rest of your life.'
'At least you're not Liefeld.' Wade pointed out. 'The fans hate his guts. he's all about T&A.' (3)
'Fans?' Betsy blinked in surprise. 'What fans? Who the bloody hell is Liefeld?'
'Never mind...' Wade shook his head as he took aim with a handy sniper rifle that he was carrying.
'How come ah don't get cool toys like that?' Outlaw frowned. 'Ah want a big gun.'
'I think you've already got a nice enough pair of cannons as it is...' Wade snickered under his breath.
'What did you say?' Betsy hissed angrily.
'Nothing...' Wade squeaked as he took out the guard with a well-aimed shot to the head.
The quintet managed to make their way into the Sentinel production facility without too much fuss. Any guards foolish enough to try and stop them simply fell to their combined might. Whether it was guns, swords, and pad puns, psychic knives, telekinesis, sonic scream, or super-strength, the Hellfire Guards fell like the cannon fodder they were.
'Well, that was easy...' Wade narrowed his eyes as he looked about. 'Almost too ea...'
Betsy quickly clamped her hand over Wade's mouth before he made a big mistake.
'Don't you finish that bloody sentence...' Betsy hissed in warning. 'Do you have any idea what would have happened if you said what I think you were going to say?'
'Well, somebody's pretty superstitious.' Outlaw snorted.
'Being superstitious is better than being top-heavy.' Betsy muttered to herself.
'What did y'all just say?' Outlaw narrowed her eyes in anger.
'Let's move along shall we?' Cable sighed, not wanted any blood to be split unnecessarily. Well, not until they met some bad guys.
'Just wait a sec, Nate...' Outlaw waved Cable away. 'Ah wanna hear what the Brit chick just said...'
'Uh, guys... I dinnae think there'll be time f'r that...' Theresa noticed as she looked around. 'We have company.'
Sure enough, the quintet was surrounded by Hellfire soldiers and several familiar faces. Constrictor, Boomerang, Agent-X, Scorpion and Electro were amongst the Hellfire soldiers as well.
'Well, it looks like we have a party on our hands.' A skull-masked figure chuckled as he made himself known. It was the Taskmaster! 'I wish that I could say that it was a pleasure to see you again, 'Pool, but we'd both know that I would be talking crap.'
Taskmaster then turned to the Hellfire soldiers.
'Kill 'em. But I've got dibs on Wilson!'
The Shaw Industries building in Connecticut was in a state of chaos. Professor Charles Xavier had become aware of the fact that Shaw Industries were building Sentinels. So, he dispatched a squad of X-Men to take down the facility before the Sentinels were able to harm innocent mutants. Deadpool, Psylocke, and Siryn happily accepted the assignment. They were also joined by Cable, the mutant wannabe Messiah, and the super-strong Texan mutant known as Outlaw.
Unfortunately for our five heroes, taking down the Sentinel production facility was proving to be more difficult then they first thought. Apart from the legions of Hellfire Club soldiers guarding the facility, there were several metahumans present as well. Constrictor, Boomerang, Agent-X, Scorpion and Electro were proving to be no mere pushovers.
Siryn dodged electric blasts from Electro as she flew around the building, much to the supervillain's annoyance.
'Dammit. Stay still so I can fry your butt, will ya?' Electro hissed angrily. The Irish mutant's incessant ability to fly out of the way of his electric blasts was starting to really annoy him.
'An' where would the fun in that be, boyo?' Terry smirked as she flew a loop-the-loop through the air. 'What's the matter, cannae ye handle fightin' an X-Man?'
'I'll show you just how much I can handle if you come down here.' Electro sneered.
'Bored now.' Terry sighed heavily. 'I hope ye brought yuir earplugs...'
Electro was about to say something in reply, but ended up being knocked off his feet by one of Terry's sonic screams.
Nearby, Betsy was taking on Constrictor. The British telepath's ninja skills were invaluable in avoiding the villain's adamantium coils.
'Missed me, missed me. Now ya gotta kiss me!' Betsy taunted as she vaulted away from Constrictor.
'I'll do a lot more than kiss you, babe.' Constrictor shot Betsy a lecherous grin. 'Now, what do you say we quit this fussing and feuding,and get down to some loving?'
'I don't think so.' Betsy shook her head with a chuckle. 'I've only got eyes for one man.'
'Deadpool?' Constrictor snorted in disbelief and disgust. 'You actually sleep with that psycho?'
'I thought you guys used to be roomies.' Betsy retorted.
'Just because we shared an apartment doesn't mean that I actually have to like the guy.' Constrictor pointed out. 'Heh. Next you'll be telling me that you're carrying his kid.'
Betsy just shot the villain a cheeky grin.
'Twins, actually.' She corrected.
The colour left Constrictor's face at the thought.
'Oh dear God, no! Please, kill me now!'
'As you wish.' Betsy nodded.
The British ninja telepath leapt through the coils of Constrictor's adamantium appendages and plunged a psychic knife into his head.
Betsy dusted off her hands as Constrictor fell to the ground, unconscious.
'Heh. I never get fed up of doing that.
Elsewhere, the Texan mutant known as Outlaw was taking on Scorpion and Boomerang.
'Aww, man. What did we do to end up with this psycho?' Scorpion grumbled as he lashed out at Outlaw with his tail. 'Do you know what people call her?'
'Don't even go there, Gargan.' Boomerang warned him. 'You'll regret it, trust me. You think that you hate being called names? Just wait until somebody cracks that nickname around her.'
'Aww, come on!' Scorpion snorted. 'It's just a little nickname. It's nothing bad.'
Scorpion then turned to address Outlaw.
Outlaw's eyes widened as she heard Scorpion's remark.
'Ain't that right, Crazy Inez?'
'Tell me that y'all didn't say what ah thought y'all said.' Outlaw growled angrily.
'Nice knowing ya, mate.' Boomerang winced, creeping away.
Scorpion was about to say something in reply, but found himself being grabbed by the tail.
'H-hey! What're you doing? Get offa my tail!'
'Ain't gonna happen, punk.' Outlaw sneered angrily. 'Nobody, but nobody, calls me Crazy Inez!'
Scorpion yelled in fear as Outlaw began to spin him around by the tail.
'Myeeeeeersssss! Heeeelllp meeeeee!' Scorpion screamed.
'You're on yer own there, mate.' Boomerang cowered behind a crate. 'I know better than to pick a fight with an angry Sheila.'
Scorpion yelled out again as his tail broke away from his suit, causing him to fly across the building, and collide wiht a wall with a nasty crunch.
'Now, what about y'all, Boomerang?' Outlaw asked as she turned to the Antipodean boomerang-wielder. 'Are ah gonna have some trouble with y'all as well?'
'I'll be good.' Boomerang squeaked timidly.
Not very far away, Cable was taking on Agent-X.
The scarred mercenary was finding that his barrage of bullets were more than useless against the wannabe messiah's telekinetic force field.
'D'awww! Nobody wants to play with me!' Agent-X groused. 'You're not playing fair!'
'Those are the breaks, I'm afraid.' Cable stated as he sent the Deadpool wannabe flying through the air with a mere wave of his hand. 'Now, I don't want to hurt you, so I am going to give you one last chance to surrender.'
'Do I look French to you?' Agent-X sneered.
'One has to wonder about your smell though.' Cable pointed out.
'What're you saying?' Agent-X frowned. 'Are you saying that I smell? Like a Frenchman?'
'Perhaps you don't smell quite as bad as a French person...' Cable supposed. 'But your odour comes pretty close.'
'Oh, you're gonna go down for that.' Agent-X growled angrily. 'Nobody, but nobody calls me French!'
Agent-X tried to grab Cable by the throat, but found that his body wasn't reacting to his thoughts.
'W-what's going on? Why can't I move?'
'I have taken command of your body telepathically.' Cable stated. 'There is no use struggling. My grip is quite impossible to escape from.'
'Oh yeah?' Agent-X sneered. 'Well... your mother was a clone and your father was Scott Summers!'
'Your point?' Cable sighed as he blew the back of Agent-X's head off with his telekinesis.
Finally, it was up to Deadpool to take on Taskmaster.
'You ready to rumble, Skeletor?' Wade quipped as he unsheathed one of his katanas.
'Oh yeah, the old Skeletor thing.' Taskmaster groaned. 'That gets funnier every time I hear it.'
Wade held his sword up in the air.
'BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!'
'Please shut up.' Taskmaster rubbed the bridge of his nose. 'This is embarrassing enough.'
'If you think this is embarrassing, you should see some of the stuff that Liefeld's done. As much as I like T and A, enough is enough. The guy needs a new MO. Even though, one has to give him his props for creating a certain Merc-With-A-Mouth. Even if he was a blatant rip-off of Deathstroke.'
'Are you quite done?' Taskmaster sighed. 'Can we just fight now?'
'Bring it, Skeletor!' Wade taunted.
'Enough with calling me Skeletor!' Taskmaster yelled. 'I am not Skeletor! I am the goddamn Taskmaster!'
'And another thing...' Wade continued. 'Do you think that the old He-Man cartoon was a little homo-erotic? Just look at He-Man for instance. A muscle-bound guy running around in just a furry pair of pants. Gay! And then there's Skeletor himself. He was just flaming!'
'Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!' Taskmaster roared, his frustration reaching boiling point.
Wade held up his hand as if he was clutching an imaginary handbag.
'Ooooh, get her.'
'Okay, that's it!' Taskmaster growled angrily. 'You're going down, Wilson!'
Taskmaster leapt at Wade, only to collide with an invisible barrier.
'Aww, Nate!' Wade sulked. 'I had dibs on Taskmaster!'
'And you were doing so well talking him to death.' Cable commented.
'You're just jealous cuz you haven't got any fan fiction of your own.' Wade pointed out.
'You'll have to forgive him, Nate.' Betsy apologised. 'I think he's having another relapse of insanity.
Cable nodded in understanding as Wade continued to knock down the Fourth Wall.
'Okay, I don't have my yellow speech bubbles anymore, but one has to make do, I suppose. But look at is this way, at least Liefield isn't drawing me anymore. Wait... what do you mean that he's drawing the new Heroes Reborn: Onslaught thingie? Are Marvel mental? I thought they would have kicked Liefeld out a long time ago! Forget Voldemort, Liefeld is the new He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.'
'Ah vote we blow this whole place up with him in it.' Outlaw suggested, jerking a thumb in Deadpool's direction.
Betsy just held her head in her hands.
'I'm in half a mind to agree with you, Inez. Really, sometimes I wonder what I see in Wade.'
'Ye know what people say sometimes...' Terry piped up with a slight grin. 'Laughter is the best medicine.'
'Unless you're diabetic.' Betsy countered. 'Then the best medicine is insulin.'
Cable and the others just stared aghast at Betsy.
The purple-haired telepath shook her head in shame.
'We are so going to get flamed for that joke, aren't we? Aww, bollocks! The whole Fourth Wall thing is started to rub off on me! Let's go before I start ranting about how much this Liefeld guy Wade talks about sucks...'
School was in session in the Xavier Institute and Wade Wilson was busy teaching his drama class. The school production was only a few short weeks away, so the cast had to practice to make sure that they got everything right. There were costumes that needed to be made, backgrounds that needed to be painted, and dance steps that needed to be practiced. The art department were in charge of painting the sets. Piotr Rasputin was more than happy to help with that.
Wade looked quite a sight with a tight white vest, black beret, and grey drawstring jogging pants. He also had a sweater tied around his neck. And as always, he was wearing his red-and-black mask.
Wade rubbed the bridge of his nose as his cast got their dance steps wrong for the umpteenth time already.
'Ahh! It's step-step-pivot-step-step! Not step-step-pivot-pause-step-step!'
Wade snapped a pencil in his hand and threw it on the floor. He stomped the poor little writing implement into splinters, muttering various curses to himself.
'We only have three weeks to go until our first show!' Wade announced. 'And we still haven't got the first number done yet! We can't make a production of Grease withoutGreased Lightning!'
'Uh... Mr Wilson?' Laurie Collins held her hand up timidly. 'I'm sure that we'll be able to get the moves right. We just need to practice more.'
'Fine.' Wade sighed. 'Let's try it once more, with feeling!'
Thankfully for the remains of what Wade called sanity, his cast had finally managed to get their dance steps right. The former merc-With-A-Mouth was now in the teacher's lounge with the rest of the teachers.
'So Wade, how's this secret musical production of yours going?' Kitty inquired as she handed Wade a cup of coffee. 'How's it going for our own little Steven Spielberg?'
'I wish that I could say that it was going well...' Wade sighed wearily. 'But... I thought that directing the Institute's drama class would be real easy. They sure showed me.'
'Oh, I'm sure the kids aren't that bad.' Kitty reassured him. 'At least you're not teaching the special class.'
'And for that I'm thankful.' Wade nodded in agreement. 'Who ended up teaching the special class?'
Kitty shook her head in dread.
'Trust me, you don't want to know...'
Just at that precise moment, Mystique burst into the teacher's lounge, slamming the door behind her.
'Sometimes I wish that there was a great big rope tied around those kids' necks. Then I could end my troubles with one quick yank!'
'Having a little trouble, Raven?' Wade smirked.
'Oh, laugh it up, Wilson.' Mystique sneered. 'Just you try to teach a bunch of no good snot-nosed little punks, then you'd see what I'm talking about.'
'No, I'm alright, thanks.' Wade shook his head. 'I'd like to hold on to what little shred of sanity that I already have.'
Mystique just slumped down in her seat.
'Just you wait...' The former mutant terrorist muttered to herself. 'I'll show you. Oh yes. I'll show you all...'
Wade was now walking through the Institute's huge garden. He was walking hand-in-hand with his girlfriend Betsy.
'Mmm, just feel those rays...' Wade closed his eyes in bliss. 'Aren't they wonderful?'
'Uh... Wade, you've still got your mask on.' Betsy pointed out.
Wade turned to his purple-haired lover and narrowed his eyes under his ever-present mask.
'Must you always spoil my fun?'
'I can't see why you don't walk about without your mask more often.' Betsy commented. 'It must be hot in that thing.'
'You know I can't do that, Bets.' Wade sighed heavily. 'My face isn't exactly easy to look at.'
'I don't have a problem with it.' Betsy shrugged.
'That's alright for you to say...' Wade countered. 'You used to have a crush on Captain Cardboard.'
'I plead temporary insanity.' Betsy shot back. 'God, what was I thinking? Lusting over Scott Summers? Bleaurgh.'
'What do women see in him anyway?' Wade frowned thoughtfully. 'It can't be his personality, because... well, he hasn't got one.'
'Power.' Betsy answered. 'It's all about the power. Scott was the team leader back then. Women like guys in positions of power.'
Wade tapped his chin as he thought that over.
'So, what you're saying is that if I were President or something, I'd be beating off the ladies with a stick?'
'Not if I've got anything to do with it.' Betsy punched Wade in the arm. 'You already planted your seed, and I expect to see you hanging around for the duration.'
Wade thought about that again.
'So... I guess you wanna get married or something, huh?'
'I wouldn't mind.' Betsy shrugged. 'It would be fun trying to make an honest man out of you.'
'Forget about making me an honest man...' Wade laughed haughtily. 'I'll have to make an honest woman out of you! People are starting to talk about our... nocturnal exploits.'
'I've never heard you complain.' Betsy pointed out. 'As a matter of fact, you even said that you didn't even give a crap about what other people thought.'
'Well, one has to make changes.' Wade answered. 'Especially now that one is going to be a father.'
'I wonder what the kids'll be like...' Betsy thought out loud. 'Oh God, I hope they don't take after you...'
'Hey!' Wade shot Betsy a glare.
'Having one loony is enough, but two more in the family? And kids at that!'
'You worry too much, Cute Buns.' Wade gave Betsy a comforting pat on the back. 'I'm sure that our kids will be great.'
'You'll have to learn how to be responsible though.' Betsy continued.
'Feh. Responsibility is just one of those meaningless words that gets thrown about a lot.' Wade shrugged it off. 'Like education, education, education. Or aardvark-battleship-cucumber.'
Betsy just shook her head and walked off. Wade was left standing there watching after her.
'Okay, if you don't like those words we could use something else. How about monkey-tennis-spoon? No? What about elephant-donkey-toenails? C'mon Bets, work with me here!C'mooooon!'
Wade had finally caught up with Betsy and the pair had retired to bed. Betsy was curled up in bed while Wade fiddled around in the bathroom.
'Wade, come to bed, luv.' Betsy called. 'It's cold without you.'
'I'll be out in a sec, babe.' Wade called back.
'You're not picking your scabs, are you?'
Wade looked at the flake of skin in his hand and looked back at Betsy nervously.
'Don't you lie to me, Wade T Wilson.' Betsy frowned. 'I can read you like a book.'
'But my scabs are so magically delicious!' Wade whined. 'They're salty. Mmm, yes.'
'It's bloody disgusting!' Betsy retorted. 'It's even worse than when you tried to turn Twinkies into alcohol.'
'It worked, didn't it?' Wade shot back. And besides, you didn't complain at the time.'
'That's because you used me as the guinea pig.' Betsy pointed out. 'The rest of it was kind of a blur. I think I blacked out for a week.'
'And that is why we're never allowed in Denny's again.' Wade tutted. 'For shame, Cute Buns. For shame!'
It was a typically busy day in the island of Manhattan. People moved in and out of the various shops, office buildings, theatres, and what have you. Cars travelled to-and-fro between their various destinations. A lone taxicab stopped outside an unassuming-looking jewellery shop and a man got out. The man paid the cab driver and headed inside the jewellery store.
The man in question was dressed in a long brown trenchcoat and a matching fedora which both obscured his features.
The man headed over to the display of engagement rings.
'Ooh, pretty...' Wade T Wilson, the former Merc-With-A-Mouth, mumbled as he surveyed the various shiny things in the glass case before him. 'I think Betsy will like you.'
Wade headed over to the counter to ask for assistance.
'Uh, hi...' Wade smiled at the woman behind the counter. 'Could I have a closer look at some of those engagement rings, please?'
'Certainly, sir.' The woman smiled kindly.
Wade frowned slightly. Wasn't the woman the least bit disturbed by his presence? Wade's image inducer was on the fritz, so he had to go incognito.
The woman opened up the glass case and lifted out a cushion with several different engagement rings attached.
'Is there anything in particular that you'd like?' The woman inquired.
'I don't know...' Wade admitted sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. 'I thought buying a ring would be easy, but there's so many to choose from...'
'Take your time, sir.'
Wade perused the selection of engagement rings, tapping his chin in thought.
'Ooh! I like this one!' Wade decided, indicating one ring with a rather large diamond sitting atop a golden crown. 'Yeah. I'll take this one.'
'Very good, sir.'
Wade followed the woman back to the counter.
'I've got finger measurements if you need to have the ring made specially.' Wade held out a hastily-scribbled note.
'That's quite alright, sir.' The woman smiled. 'All our rings are one size fits all.'
Wade blinked in surprise at that.
'One size fits all?'
'Unstable molecules.' The woman explained. 'They're not just for the Fantastic Four, you know.'
A short while later-
Wade carried Betsy's engagement ring out of the store nestled safely in its blue velvet box.
'Betsy is gonna plotz over you, my friend!' Wade told the ring, a greta big sile on his face. 'I promised to make Betsy an honest woman, and Wade T Wilson always follows through on his promises. Heh. Follow through...'
Wade was so immersed in his conversation with the ring that he didn't notice a similarly-dressed figure walking towards him.
But the stranger's warnings came too late as Wade collided with him, sending them both tumbling to the floor.
'I thought I could smell fish...' Wade grinned as he recognised the person he had just walked in to. 'First I thought that it was these week-old socks causing a stink...'
'Get off me, you fool!' Namor the Sub-Mariner hissed as he forceibly pushed Wade off him. 'You had better look where you walk next time...'
'Oh, can the threats, Fish Sticks.' Wade tutted as he picked himself up off the floor. 'Everybody knows that you couldn't scare anybody. Even if it was the most scaringest day of your life, and you had an electrified scaring machine!'
'Your insanity knows no bounds, Wilson.' Namor sneered. 'It defies logic that women find you attractive.'
'What's the matter, Spock-Ears?' Wade grinned cheekily. 'You jealous?'
'Prince Namor is jealous of no-one!' Namor crossed his arms over his chest with a contemptuous sniff.
'You know, from certain angles, you look kinda like Northstar.' Wade pointed out. 'Except, ol' Alice knows better than to go mincing around in bright green Speedos.'
'You dare to mock my royal attire?' Namor loomed over the unimpressed Wade. 'Perhaps I should show you how we treat people like you in Atlantis?'
'Got better things to do, SpongeBob.' Wade waved him off. 'Betsy ain't gonna engage herself.'
Wade turned his back on the irate Sub-Mariner and started to walk off. Wade stopped in midstep as a great big portal appeared before him.
'Get out of the way, you fool!' Namor grabbed Wade's arm. 'Do you not realise what that portal is?'
'I dunno what it is...' Wade shrugged. 'But I can tell you what it looks like... A great big tuppence! Now, who in their right mind uses portals shaped like a lady's front bottom?'
Namor tore off his trenchcoat and charged forward to attack.
'Now, that was just rude.' Wade tutted. 'Here I am, being social and junk, and Subby charges off to go do...'
Wade trailed away once he saw what had come out of the portal. Namor had piled into a hoard of insectoid aliens. In the lead of the insectoid aliens was a green creature with great big bat-like wings and bright purple body armour. It was Annihilus! Lord of the Negative Zone!
'Death to the fleshlings!' Annihilus bellowed.
One of Annihilus's horde landed in front of Wade and roared fiercely. Wade went for his gun, only to realise that he wasn't carrying any weapons.
'Aww, crap sticks.'
Wade turned to address the insectoid creature.
'I don't suppose that we could take a rain-check until I find some weapons?'
The insect creature just grabbed Wade by the throat and tossed him through the air with little or no effort at all.
Wade smashed through a store window. He looked up an noticed various handguns, rifles, and other firearms.
'Ooh, convenient.' Wade hopped up off the ground and went about getting himself some hardware.
A little later-
A few minutes later, Namor was starting to discover why Annihilus's hoard was called the Annihilation Wave. The poor Sub-Mariner had just had the royal snot kicked out off him. He was presently being held upright by two of Annihilus's lackeys.
'Foolish Prince of Atlantis...' Annihilus hissed as he held Namor's chin in one hand. 'You foolish Earthlings have no hope of defeating us. Once I have finished with this misbegotten city, I shall move on to conquer the rest of this planet. Then: The whole universe!'
'You are... insane.' Namor retorted. 'The people of this planet will not let you win.'
'Oh, is that what you think?' Annihilus chuckled. 'If you are expecting to be saved by one of your reality's so-called heroes, then you are sorely mistaken.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
The two lackeys holding Namor upright squawked in pain as they were riddled with bullets. Both creatures fell to the floor in a puddle of neon green blood.
'The insane one still lives?' Annihilus hissed in anger. 'Destroy him!'
'You ain't the first to try, Spanky.' Wade smirked as he reached for a crossbow.
Another one of Annihilus's lackeys fell to the floor as a crossbow bolt pierced its insectoid skull.
'Ho-ho-ho, I've got a crossbow!' Wade crowed as he let rip with more bolts, taking down even more or Annihilus's hoard. 'Just call me Deadpool the Vampire Slayer! 'Cept my butt is way cuter than Sarah Michelle Gellar's!'
'Fools!' Annihilus snarled angrily. 'I shall destroy this one myself!'
Wade tried to fire off more crossbow bolts in Annihilus's direction, but they just bounced off the inhuman creature's armoured hide.
'Crap-crap-crap...' Wade hissed as he searched for another weapon to use.
'I shall rend you to pieces and suck the marrow from your bones!' Annihilus roared as he got ready to attack.
'Yeah. Sure. 'What-evah!' Wade sighed nonchalantly as he removed the pin from a grenade and plunged his hand into Annihilus's throat. 'Fire in the hold!'
Wade dove for cover just in time, as Annihilus exploded in a fireball of goo and bits of armour.
'Aww, yeah!' Wade crowed in victory. 'Who's your daddy, bitch? I am! Cuz I'm the goddamn Deadpool! Well, not the Dead Pool, cuz that's a Dirty Harry movie. Okay, it's not as good as the original, but you tell me that you didn't laugh when the bad guys unleashed that bomb attached to a remote-controlled car...'
'Wilson, I would not celebrate victory just yet...' Namor reminded him. 'We still have the Annihilation Wave to deal with...'
'Oh, chill, Young's Beer-Battered Cod.' Wade snorted. 'These schmucks are nothing without their leader. Look! They're already walking through the suspiciously-shaped portal...'
Unseen by the victorious former Merc-With-A-Mouth and the Prince of Atlantis, a rather large figure was watching them from his inner sanctum many light-years away orbiting Titan, one of Saturn's moons.
Thanos, the Mad Titan, and Death groupie steepled his fingers as he observed Deadpool and the Sub-Mariner.
Wade was still mocking Namor.
'Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...'
'Oh, Wilson...' Thanos steepled his fingers with an evil chuckle. 'You are planning to get married, hmm? I plan to make sure that you never live to see your honeymoon!'
In a warehouse somewhere in New York, a young executive-type was duct taped to the wall. The executive guy stared fearfully back at the person that had taped him to the wall. A knife thunked into an apple that had been standing on the guy's head, splitting it in half.
A red gloved hand picked up the apple halves and dusted them off.
'You know, I always wonder how they get these apples so crunchy...' Wade Wilson thought out loud as he took a bite out of one of the apple halves. 'It can't be the chemicals that they spray the trees with, cuz these are good ol' organic British apples. Aww, who cares? An apple's an apple, right?'
The executive guy tried to cry out, but a strip of duct tape over his mouth prevented him from doing so.
'What did I tell you before?' Wade asked as he placed another apple on the guy's head. 'There's nobody here to hear you, even if you weren't gagged.'
Wade reached up to the wall and yanked out the knife.
'Now, let's see if I can get this right if I go back even further...'
Wade trotted over to the other side of the warehouse. The executive guy struggled in his bonds.
'I wouldn't do that if I were you, buddy.' Wade yelled over at him. 'You don't wanna end up getting an unwanted scalping, do you?'
Wade turned his back to the executive guy and held the knife by its blade between his thumb and forefinger. The former Merc-With-A-Mouth threw the knife over his shoulder. The executive guy closed his eyes tight with a whimper.
'Bull's eye!' Wade crowed triumhantly, punching the air. 'And I don't mean the crazy kill-you-with-a-toothpick kind of bull's eye.'
Wade headed back over to the executive guy duct taped to the wall and picked up the knife and pieces of apple.
'Isn't this fun?' Wade smiled sweetly under his mask. 'I'm having fun. Hell, I couldn't have more fun if I was Funny McFun and I had an electrified fun machine on the funnest day of my already fun life. Fun!'
Wade ripped the duct tape off the executive guy's mouth.
'You wanna see insane?' Wade spun around to look the executive guy right in the eye. 'I'll show you insane...'
The executive guy let out another fearful whimper.
'Dude, chill out!' Wade laughed, clapping the guy on the shoulder. 'I'm not here to kill you. God knows I should do, though. Your wife wasn't very happy when she found out that you cheated on her with your secretary...'
'Please...' The executive guy begged. 'I have money. I-I can give you lots of money!'
'What, do you think I kidnapped you and duct taped you to the wall out of the kindness of my heart?' Wade snorted. 'Your wife paid me quite a pretty sum to do this. I should be giving my pregnant girlfriend breakfast in bed, not screwing with the mind of some random executive type that can't keep his little buddy in his shorts. But we'll need some extra cash if we move out of the X-Mansion and get a place of our own.'
'W-what do you want with me...?' The executive guy stuttered.
Wade sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose.
'You really haven't been listening, have you? Okay, listen very carefully, for I shall say this only once...'
Wade leant on the executive guy's shoulder.
'Your wife hired me to make you see the error or your ways. Or as she put it, kick that misogynistic bastard's ass! There was something about feminism as well, but I wasn't really listening. Women tend to waffle on a bit, y'know? Although, this is a funny way of striking for the feminist cause, getting a guy to do all the work.'
Wade tucked the knife back in his belt and started to walk away.
'You-you are going to set me free, aren't you?' The executive guy inquired hopefully.
'Terribly sorry, old bean.' Wade smiled apologetically under his mask. 'But I have to see a man about a dog.'
Wade was now in the Salem Centre pet store, not very far from the X-Mansion. The former Merc-With-A-Mouth bent down to tap on a tank of exotic fish.
'I'm gonna get ya little fishies... C'mon, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...'
Wade then turned to see a tank that had a pair of piranhas swimming within.
'Ooh, piranhas... Just imagine what fun I could have with them...' The halfway-sane ex-merc chuckled evilly as he rubbed his hands together. 'I could dig a pit in the X-Mansion, fill it with water and piranhas, and drop my enemies in it!'
The various other customers going about the pet store warily moved away from the strange man cackling evilly beside the piranha tank.
Wade walked on until he saw a grey parrot sitting atop a perch.
'Heh. You don't look like much of an ex-parrot, do you?'
'Polly want a cracker!' The parrot squawked.
'Now, it isn't enough to want a cracker...' Wade lectured the parrot sagely. 'You have to earn it first. Go on, say something first.'
The parrot just stared blankly back at Wade before tucking its head under its wing as it began to preen itself.
'Screw you then.' Wade sniffed as he headed on to see what other animals they had in the pet store.
Wade stopped in his tracks when he heard an excited yapping coming from a nearby display case. A quintet of cute little yellow Labrador puppies were rolling about playing with each other. All of them except one. One puppy was stood up on its hind legs, propping itself up on the display case with its forelegs.
'Aww, aren't you the most adorable thing?' Wade gushed as he bent down to admire the puppy. 'I think I shall call you... Rover! Nah... Too predictable. Ooh! Ooh! General Grievous! Nah... Too fanboy. Oh, I know! I shall call you... Wanker!'
Back at the X-Mansion-
Wade had bought the puppy, now named Wanker, and bundled him into a carry case. Wade tied the carry case to the back of his manly scooter and headed on home.
Wade slowly opened the door to the room that he and Betsy shared and carefully peered around the side. He could see a human-like shape lying on the bed in the dim light of the bedroom. A great big pregnant-looking shape.
By the gentle snuffling sounds coming from the bed, Wade could tell that Betsy was fast asleep. The purple-haired Brit usually took a nap whenever Wade had business to take care of in the city.
Wade tiptoed over to the bed and gently prodded Betsy on the shoulder.
'Bets, hey Bets... Cute Buns, wake up...'
'Few more minutes...' Betsy murmured sleepily.
Wade picked up Wanker and plopped her onto Betsy's lap. The little yellow puppy licked Betsy's face and yipped excitedly.
Betsy blinked in surpise and rubbed her eyes.
'You like it?' Wade grinned happily.
Betsy was still a little too sleepy to think properly.
'You got me a puppy?'
'Did you find that out all by yourself?' Wad teased.
'I'm still sleepy...' Betsy rubbed her eyes blearily. 'Can't it wait?'
'Have a look on his collar.' Wade told her.
Betsy let out a sigh and examined Wanker's collar. She felt something small, round and metallic.
'Is... is that what I think it is?' Betsy asked, barely believing her eyes.
Wade just grinned knowingly.
Betsy unattached the ring from Wanker's collar.
'Oh, God...' Betsy put her hand to her mouth. 'I... I don't know what to say...'
'Yes would be good.' Wade smiled.
Betsy grabbed her lover in a great big hug.
'Oh, you daft bloody sod! Of course I'll marry you!'
Wade took the ring from Betsy and slid it onto her finger.
'See?' He smiled, looking up at his lover. 'I told you that I'd make an honest woman out of you.'
Wade Wilson was a very busy man. His fiancée, Betsy Braddock, was expecting twins and was having cravings for unusual combinations of food. Betsy's cravings differed with each passing week. Last week she had cravings for cold Spaghetti-Os and Cheez-Whiz. The week before that she had cravings for fried bacon and chocolate ice-cream. But this week Betsy had a craving for pineapple chunks and tortilla chips. She liked to dip the chips in the pineapple syrup.
Wade perused the aisles of tinned fruit. He picked up one tin of pineapple and took a look at it.
'It is worth buying such a big tin?' Wade thought out loud. 'It'll only got to waste once Betsy gets a new craving next week.'
Wade put the tin back on the shelf and picked up a smaller tin.
'Better get a smaller tin, then. Ooh, buy one get one free. It'll work out cheaper to get two small tins.'
Wade put the tins in his hand basket and carried on towards the aisle where the potato chips and the like were kept.
The former Merc-With-A-Mouth froze in place when he heard gunshots coming from the direction of the counter. Somebody screamed. Then he heard several people barking orders, telling people to get down on the floor.
'It was only a matter of time before I get involved in a stereotypical convenience store robbery.' Wade commented as he took cover behind a display of pickled onion jars. 'Well, there's that and the fact that somebody saw 'Sudden Impact' last night. Gotta love Dirty Harry.'
Wade reached for his hip, expecting to grab his gun. He'd left it back at the X-Mansion.
'Aww, nertz.' Wade muttered to himself. 'The only time I leave home without weapons, and I end up having to foil a robbery.'
In one corner of the store, a shotgun-toting thug was keeping an eye out for any cops that might come in the back way. The sound of a jar of peanut butter rolling along the floor caught his attention. The thug cocked his shotgun and went to investigate.
Unseen by the thug, Wade grinned from his position standing atop a ladder beside a display of watermelons. Wade brought the watermelon down onto the thug's head with a wet thump.
The thug struggled to get his head free from the watermelon, but ended up getting a kick to the gut that sent him falling into the potato section.
'Tch. Such a waste of beautiful, beautiful fruit.' Wade tutted as he walked onwards. The commotion would have alerted the rest of the thugs, so he had better get a move on.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Sure enough, a series of bullets shredding cans of tinned potatoes alerted Wade to the presence of more of the thugs.
'Didn't you mommies ever tell you not to play with guns?' Wade quipped. 'Somebody could get hurt.'
Wade picked up a jar from a nearby shelf.
'Frankfurters in brine.' Wade read the label. 'Heh. Batter up!'
Wade tossed the jar of frankfurters at one of the thugs, shattering against his head.
The thug clutched his eyes with a scream of pain as he was blinded by the brine.
The second thug tried to take a run at Wade, only to slip up on a rapidly spreading puddle of brine on the floor.
'You guys are making this too easy.' Wade laughed out loud as he trotted off to find the rest of the would-be thieves.
It didn't take Wade very long to find the rest of the thugs. There were only three of them left. The lead guy had his shotgun pointed at the head of the store manager, while his two remaining accomplices had theirs pointed at the two cashiers as they emptied the cash registers into bags.
Wade picked up a shovel from a nearby display and spun it around in his hand.
'Meh. It's not a sword, but it'll have to do.' Wade muttered to himself.
Wade strode over to the cash registers.
'Hey there. Nice day for miscellaneous larceny, don't you think?'
The thugs all swung around and aimed their guns at Wade.
KLICK! KLACK! KLICK!
'Get down on the floor or you're a dead man!' The lead thug demanded. 'I swear, I'll splatter your brains all over the wall!'
'Heh. That's not the first time I've ever heard that.' Wade chuckled to himself. 'Now, why don't we sit down and discuss our problems like nice sane individuals? I might even make you some quiche, if you're nice.'
Wade soon got his answer as the lead thug blasted him with his shotgun.
Fortunately, Wade brought the shovel up to protect himself.
'I take it quiche is out of the question then?' Wade asked as he peeked out from under the head of the shovel.
The thugs responded with more gunfire.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Wade easily avoided each and every gunshot.
'Geez. Thugs today are getting worse and worse.' Wade tutted as he smashed one thug in the face with his shovel. 'In the old days, there used to be some kind of etiquette about holding up a convenience store.' Wade hit another thug in the gut with the handle of his shovel and followed it up by smashing the thug's face against the cash register.
Wade yelled out in pain as he felt a gunshot shred his shoulder.
Wade brought his hand up to his shoulder. He was bleeding.
'Oh, that is it...' Wade tapped his bloody hand with the shovel head. 'Y'know, I was trying to be hospitable and stuff. Trying to minimize bloodshed, but you just had to go and shoot me. You brought this upon yourself...'
Wade threw the shovel through the air lie a javelin, impaling the last remaining thug against the wall.
'You're lucky you caught me in a good mood.' Wade sniffed as he walked up and pulled the shovel out of the thug's chest, making him fall to the floor. 'Otherwise I would stuck this shovel... On second thought, I doubt you'd wanna know where I woulda stuck the shovel...'
A rather scruffy-looking bespectacled man sat in one of the booths at the back of Harry's Hideaway. His name was Weasel. Well, that wasn't actually his real name, but nobody knew his real name. So they called him Weasel.
Weasel was a computer hacker extraordinaire. One of his most loyal clients was a certain former Merc-With-A-Mouth. Weasel was Wade's bestest buddy in the whole wide world. Unfortunately, Wade had been rather busy, what with Betsy expecting his children and all, so nowadays he had little time to hang out with Weasel.
'Man, you wouldn't believe the day I've had...'
Weasel got up out of his seat to welcome his old friend, his arms wide open for a manly hug. Weasel put his arms back down by his sides once he notice the bloodstained bandage tied around Wade's shoulder.
'Still up to your old tricks, I see.'
'Oh, this?' Wade indicated his bandage. 'This isn't what you think. I'm a good boy now. Well, that's unless Betsy wants me to be naughty...'
'So, the rumours are true.' Weasel nodded in realisation. 'You've shacked yourself up with the X-Men.'
'It's a little more complicated than that, Weas.' Wade explained as he took a seat. 'I'm a teacher now. Drama, believe it or not. We've got a production of Grease planned. I wanted to make a musical about the life of my darling Bea, but it wasn't to last.'
'And you asked me to meet you here, because...?'
Wade placed a hand on his buddy's shoulder.
'Weas, I want you to be my best man!'
Weasel spat out his mouthful of beer in surprise.
'You're... getting married?'
'You say that like it's a bad thing.' Wade eyed his friend suspiciously. 'You don't think it's gonna last, do you?'
Weasel loosened his collar with an uncomfortable cough.
'Um... it's not that... it's just...'
'Aww, chill out, buddy.' Wade laughed as he clapped Weasel on the back. 'I'm in this for the long run. This isn't a meaningless obsession like Siryn. I really mean it. I love Betsy, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with her.'
'Well, if that's how you feel...' Weasel scratched the back of his beck nervously. 'I guess I don't have any choice but to accept.'
'That's great news!' Wade grinned. 'Just wait until you meet te in-laws! They're gonna love you!'
A rather battered-looking car pulled up outside the gates of the Xavier Institute for Higher learning. A red gloved hand reached out and pressed the button for the intercom.
'Sage, it's me.' Wade Wilson spoke into the little metal grille. 'Let me in, let me in!'
'Not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin.' Sage's tinny voice retorted.
'Just open the damn door, okay?' Wade sighed. 'Unless you want to deny Betsy her chocolate. And you know how Betsy gets when she misses out on her chocolate...'
There was a brief pause before the gates of the Institute swung open. Wade drove up the driveway and parked outside the front door.
'Wow. This is the Xavier Institute, huh?' Weasel, Wade's computer hacker friend, gazed in awe up at the building. 'I've seen it on TV plenty of times, but I've never seen it in person.'
'Oh, it gets better...' Wade grinned as he opened the car's back door and placed a box into Weasel's hands. 'Here, hold this for a sec...'
Weasel put his ear against the box.
'There's something moving in here...'
'That would be another one of Betsy's presents.' Wade explained. 'Well, apart from the ridiculously large amount of chocolate.'
Weasel carefully carried the box into the mansion, following Wade closely. He didn't want to turn a wrong corner and end up confronting Wolverine or something.
'Man, I can't believe you actually teach here.' Weasel shook his head in amazement. 'The old Deadpool that I used to know would never do anything like that.'
'Oh, I'm sure I haven't changed all that much.' Wade chuckled.
'Wade...' Weasel shot his friend a kind-hearted glare. 'You once stabbed me in the leg for the last Cheez Puff.'
'I apologised for that, didn't I?' Wade blinked.
'No, you didn't apologise!' Weasel sighed in irritation. 'And they were my Cheez Puffs!'
'That's not how I remember it...' Wade shrugged.
Weasel stopped in his tracks as he passed the door to the rec room.
'Umm, excuse me for asking a stupid question...' The computer hacker frowned. 'But... why is Wolverine being mauled by three small wolf cubs?'
'Why not?' Wade shrugged in response. 'The Sinclair kids need to find their killer instincts sooner or later.'
'You trained them to be your own personal attack squad, didn't you?' Weasel shook his head in disbelief.
'Well, I have to occupy myself somehow now that Betsy's pregnant.' Wade pointed out. 'And how better than training somebody else's kids to attack your enemies?'
'But aren't you afraid of recriminations?' Weasel enquired. 'This is Wolverine we're talking about. Anyway, does their mother approve of this?'
'Oh, he thinks he's all that.' Wade scoffed. 'Wolverine isn't the best at what he does anymore. Squirrel Girl is the best at what anybody does! I bet the almighty Wolverine hasn't beaten badasses like Doctor Doom or Thanos single-handedly. Who has Wolverine beaten? Lame-o's like Sabretooth and Lady Deathstrike. What-ever!'
Wade stopped his rant as he heard an excited yapping.
Wade held out his hands as Wanker the yellow Labrador puppy came barrelling towards him and leapt into his arms.
'And hello to you too.' Wade chuckled as the little yellow puppy started to slobber over his face. 'You're a good boy, aren't you? Yes, you are! Wanker's a good boy! Yes, he is! Aren't you gonna say hello to Uncle Weas?'
Wanker stopped licking his master's face to regard the scruffy-looking stranger.
'Hey, be nice.' Wade told his canine companion. 'That's no way to treat a friend. Is it, Wanker?'
'You called your dog Wanker?' Weasel groaned
'It's a little more original than calling him Rover, or Fido.' Wade pointed out. 'Now, come on. We've got X-Men to see...'
A very heavily pregnant Betsy Braddock was rifling through the kitchen shelves in search of some chocolate.
'Bloody hell...' The purple-haired British mutant grumbled. 'Is one tiny little bar of sodding chocolate too much to bloody well ask for? I'd even settle for half a Milky Bar...'
The sound of excited yapping made Betsy turn around. A grateful smile graced Betsy's lips when she saw Wade enter the room, holding a bar of chocolate aloft like it was the Holy Grail.
'Oh, you are a life saver...' Betsy said as she took the chocolate, unwrapped it, and shovelled it into her mouth. 'Mmm... I needed that.'
'Uh, Cute Buns...?' Wade piped up. 'You've got a little...' Wade indicated the fact that Betsy's mouth was covered in chocolate.
'Oh... Right...' Betsy nodded in understanding as she wiped the chocolate off her lips with the back of her hand, and then licked the chocolate off the back of said hand.
Betsy then noticed the scruffy-looking gentleman standing beside her fiancé.
'Oh, Wade...' Betsy tutted with a shake of her head. 'You haven't been picking up homeless people, have you? I told you, training homeless people to attack your enemies is wrong. It's much funnier to see Wolverine get mauled by children anyway.' weasel's jaw dropped.
'I should be surprised, but I'm not.' The hacker groaned.
'This is Weasel, Bets.' Wade pointed out. 'Remember? My best man? I stabbed him in the leg for the last Cheez Puff once?'
'Oh, I remember him now.' Betsy nodded in recognition. 'So, what you got in the box? Ooh! Is it for me?'
Wade took the box from Weasel and held it out for Betsy to take. Wanker stood up on his hind legs to try and get a better look.
Betsy put the box down on the counter and opened it up. Looking up at her was a little Alsatian puppy.
'Another puppy?' Betsy blinked in surprise. 'Not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but... isn't one enough already?'
'Look at it this way, Cute Buns...' Wade explained himself. 'If I ever get enough money so we can move out and get a place of our own, we'll need a guard dog. Now, as much as I love Wanker, he's as daft as a sack of hammers. Look.'
Betsy looked at the little Labrador pup. Wanker had lost interest in the new arrival and had started to chase his tail.
'I can see what you mean.' Betsy nodded in understanding. 'Now, what are we going to call...' Betsy held the little Alsatian up so she could determine whether it was male or female. '...Her?'
'I was thinking of calling her Chloe.' Wade suggested. 'Y'know, cuz I thought it was a pretty name...'
Betsy held up the new puppy.
'What do you think?' Betsy asked her new canine companion. 'Do you think you look like a Chloe? Hmm, do you?'
The little Alsatian pup simply licked Betsy on the nose.
'I'll take that as a yes.' Betsy grinned as she hugged Chloe close.
'You do realise that getting a new puppy so soon could make the one you already have jealous, right?' Weasel warned the pair.
Sure enough, not too far away, Wanker narrowed his eyes at the new arrival. This was his yard, and no bitch was going to intrude and take away his humans!