This one-shot came about because I stupidly shared an idea with FairyTaleArchtypes who encouraged the ridiculousness by suggesting Regina show up bearing... gifts. (Payback for Fox's Den, I'm STILL not sorry)
Anyway, this is purely PWP, possible? humour and definite smut. I don't advise reading it if you're a Baelfire fan.
Emma awoke that morning, her head pounding to a beat with no music while her mouth felt like someone had shoved cotton balls down her throat. If that wasn't bad enough, she was having one hell of a time trying to remember anything that had happened the night before.
Grimacing at the light that shone through her window, she rolled over only for her chin to meet the solid flesh of someones shoulder. Without thought, Emma shot out of bed and let out a yelp as her body became tangled within the sheets before she unceremoniously dropped to the floor.
Emma didn't share her bed, at least not until a certain someone threatened to withhold sex. Her freedom, independence or whatever it was that had her decide that so many years ago was promptly forgotten and she allowed her first exception to the rule. She honestly would have preferred death over celibacy, as that is what would have happened considering the threat came from her True Love counterpart who was pure evil.
She had her priorities straight - Figuratively speaking, at least.
Undeterred by the state she now found herself in and despite the very real possibility of making herself feel worse, her anger bubbled to the surface. There had been no familiar smell, the shoulder was too hard, there was no tingle that accompanied the skin contact; the person occupying her bed was male, and most definitely not the woman she had relented to sharing with all those months ago.
"What the fuck, Neal?!"
It wasn't until she pushed herself to her knees that he bothered to roll on his side and even acknowledge the fact she had spoken to him, but when all that followed was the closing of his eyes, she had to resist launching herself from the floor to cause him serious bodily harm. "Wake the fuck up and get out of my bed!" She had a feeling she was going to pass out from the pain in her head if she kept shouting, but that probably wasn't going to stop any time soon.
"Seriously, Em?" His exasperation had her reconsidering the resistance - strangulation, magical torture, maybe the removal of a limb or two - all the pleasant thoughts that crossed her mind in the space of a few seconds; only someone decided then was the perfect time to knock on her bedroom door and remove the opportunity to go through with one.. or all of them.
She growled her frustration, cursing her luck that someone would interrupt what had promised to be a satisfying moment before she snapped. "What?!"
When the door swung open, she was expecting to see Snow or maybe even David, so the gaping of her mouth seemed a justified reaction when it turned out to be Regina who stood in her doorway.
"You know, considering what I let you do to me in the bathroom of the Dirty Robber last night, one would think you'd be a little nicer when I took time out of my busy schedule to return your.." Her words trailed off as she stepped into the room, her curiosity for why Emma was on the floor answered when her eyes trained on the bed where Neal now sat wide awake.
Emma always found it eerie; how well Regina could hide her emotions.
Fortunately, as she had spent the better part of the last two years with the woman, she knew exactly what to look for when any normal person would have thrown a tantrum. The spark of fury in the depths of her eyes, the slight tremble of her bottom lip as she held her smirk in place to stave off a sneer. The least noticeable, was the minor change of pitch in her voice that warned Emma when it was time to back off during one of their arguments, of which still happened often.
Emma suspected Regina just loved the angry sex that followed, not that she would ever complain.
Regina's eyes narrowed as she returned her attention to Emma. "Had I known you hadn't had enough, I would have invited you back to my place."
Emma's mouth snapped shut as her face scrunched up at the thought of sleeping with Neal, momentarily forgetting the state of her head as it shook from side to side, her reminder came in the form of what she could only describe as a jack hammer vibrating against her skull. "I'm fully clothed, we did NOT have sex."
"Because you fell asleep." Neal protested, they all knew it was a vain attempt to protect his ego.
Last Christmas when Regina caught him trying to steal a kiss beneath the mistletoe, the magic from her anger had flood the Town Hall and then she spent the rest of the night - as well as the next morning - reminding Emma of why Neal never stood a chance. Now Snow and Neal were the only ones incapable of understanding anything beyond their own selfish wants, while the rest of the town were well aware of how very unavailable Emma Swan was.
"So I did tire you out, well I feel better." With the smirk now firmly in place, Regina tossed something into the room and Emma's eyes followed after the cloth as it sailed to the floor, a brief flash of memory accompanying her recognition.
"Come on, babe. I can't go commando while wearing jeans, it's uncomfortable." Emma knew she was going to pay for cornering Regina, for teasing as long as she did before she let her come. Even if Regina did forgive her both of those things, there was no way she wasn't going to suffer for laughing at Regina's embarrassment when someone else had entered the stall beside the one they were 'engaged' in; she just hadn't considered her punishment would come in the form of chafing.
"You should have thought of that before you accosted me in a public bathroom." With one last kiss, Regina sauntered from the room with Emma's panties tucked safely in a pocket of her slacks.
Shaking the memory from her mind, Emma ignored Regina's comment as best she could with the heat blooming across her cheeks. Clinging to the small amount of anger that still remained, she snarled at Neal. "I didn't fall asleep, I passed out because I had been drinking all night. I doubt it surprises anyone that you would have all too willingly taken advantage of that fact, knowing I think you're a gigantic dickwad. Now get the fuck out of my bed before I throw you out the window."
The entire situation only deteriorated when Snow White came in to see what all the commotion was coming from her daughters bedroom. "Oh Emma, you and Neal are finally together again!"
Emma wanted to vomit and she was pretty sure it wasn't a side effect of having drank so much.
"Poor Snow, you and I both know I'm the only one getting in your daughters pants." Emma would have laughed at the horrified look Regina received from her mother, but she didn't exactly want to encourage the woman and she thought it would be nice if everyone got the fuck out of her room. This day was just getting worse, none of it was helping with her headache either.
While Snow began her screeching - which is what usually happened when someone broke the agreement between them all that promised she could peacefully remain delusional about their relationship - Emma decided then and there that she was giving up.
Pressing her head to the floor and letting her body slip out from under her, she pretended she was still asleep. Everything that had occurred within the last twenty minutes was nothing more than a dream.
An image consisting of the things she could do to Regina in the short skirt she was wearing forced Emma to amend the end of her thought.
..somewhat arousing dream.
Someone, somewhere must have taken pity on her because even with the discomfort of being on her bedroom floor, she had managed to fall back to sleep. Coming to for the second time that morning, she smiled as she sat up and noticed Regina was now the sole occupant of her room.
Grabbing the pillow that someone - Regina, probably - placed beneath her head at some point, she pushed herself from the floor and threw it down on the bed before her body followed. "So how did you get rid of them?"
Crossing her legs, Regina leaned against the wall and gave one of her trademark sniffs of disdain. "Neal left of his own free will after I threatened to castrate him and your mother.. was her usual stubborn self, I'm afraid I had to defenestrate her."
With the throbbing still persistent behind her eyes, Emma wasn't even going to bother trying to decode that word. "Uh, English please?"
"I liked your idea." Regina's smirk was positively evil as she continued. "I threw her out the window, dear."
Emma closed her eyes and sighed when the darkness eased the pulsing in her skull. "You know what, I don't even care if that's what you really did."
She kept her eyes closed as the bed shifted, the warmth along her side confirming that Regina now lay beside her. "She babbled something about making tea and pranced downstairs when I told her I'd take care of you."
Emma was certain Regina sounded closer and closer as her sentence wore on, and she definitely wasn't imagining the purr of those last four words. There was a warm caress of a breath before soft lips met the curve of her neck, the order of Regina's actions making no difference to her body as it shivered pleasantly all the same.
"You know.." Regina's tongue flicked across her pulse point, followed by the casual nip of teeth. "I've heard orgasms help relieve headaches." Knuckles dragged along the seam of her jeans. "Want to satisfy my curiosity?"
Emma moaned her consent, reaching between her legs and pressing the hand more firmly against her as she ground into it. It was surprising how aroused she still got at the thought of getting caught being fucked by the Evil Queen, especially considering it wouldn't have been the first time.
Already she could feel the throb behind closed eyes ease as the hand slipped in to the now open fly of her jeans, warmth filling her from the inside while fingers filled her from the out. Lips brushed along the underside of her jaw, soft kisses against skin occasionally interrupted by the stroke of a tongue or the light sucking of a mouth before those lips finally met her own. More images from last night flashed in her mind's eye, one in particular had her gasping in surprise and pulling away from Regina's mouth so she could look at the woman who slowly pumped her fingers in and out of her.
"Did you.." The fingers twisted and she moaned her appreciation, her breathing coming in shallow gasps as she tried again. "Did you use - dear god - magic last night?"
Regina smirked down at her. "Well you did insist and you know how difficult it is for me to resist you when you're so.." Cupping her through her tank, a palm teased Emma's nipple as the hand squeezed her breast. "Wet and begging me to fuck you with.." She paused to draw another gasp from Emma, pinching a nipple between her thumb and forefinger. "I believe you called it my Magical Rod of Everlasting Pleasure."
Emma laughed, only to groan and writhe when it caused stomach muscles to clench, her walls contracting around the fingers that had - for some unknown reason - stilled inside her.
Furthering her confusion, Regina pulled out of her completely and before Emma could protest, a hand waved through the air, causing their clothes to disappear before Regina straddled her and grabbed her by the calf; forcing Emma to drape her leg across Regina's shoulder before her hand trailed down to rest against Emma's thigh. She could feel herself being spread open as Regina leaned forward, their lips connecting the exact moment their clits rubbed together.
The slight strain in her leg was nothing compared to the feeling of the unadulterated pleasure that came as their bodies rocked against one another, heightened by the hot mouth that broke free of their kiss and descended on Emma's breast to lick, bite and suck at her increasingly sensitive nipple before Regina moved to lavish the same attention on its twin.
The heat that had been slowly building in the pit of her stomach intensified as teeth lightly scraped against her sternum, but the pressure being relieved from her thigh distracted from the feeling and she grabbed Regina by the jaw. "Where do you think you're going?"
Regina pouted her perfect lips. "I want to taste you."
There was no way Emma would deny her, but she did want something first and all it took was a gentle tug for Regina to rise and claim her mouth, slipping her tongue between Emma's lips to dance with her own. It didn't last long; it never did when it came to Regina wanting something else. Still, the whimper escaped Emma's lips as Regina pulled back and continued the journey to her original destination.
Brown eyes were sympathetic when they rose to meet green but as Regina settled between her legs, they became hungry once more. Emma could see the pupils darken and nostrils flare as Regina inhaled her scent. She watched as the head lowered slowly and lips parted before a tongue darted past them to stroke through her folds.
Emma's hips thrust up from the bed, grinding against the talented mouth and encouraging the attention while her vision became obscured once more with the closing of her eyes.
Positioning both of Emma's legs over her shoulders, Regina's hands slid beneath her and cupped her backside before lifting her lower body from the bed. The muscles in Emma's back barely had time to muster a complaint before a tongue entered her with a hard thrust, deeper than she thought possible. She couldn't feel a thing other than the delicious heat that spread throughout her body, it was as though her brain just decided nothing else existed beyond the blissful ministrations of Regina's slippery, wet tongue inside her; devouring all that she was.
It didn't take much more than Regina fastening her lips around Emma's clit, replacing tongue with fingers and sucking the hardened nub before Emma's body tensed and she came, Regina's name falling from her lips as her orgasm swept through her.
As Emma came down from her high, Regina eased her back down to the bed and crawled up beside her. Draping an arm across her torso, Regina peppered kisses along her neck before moving to her jaw. A smile curled Emma's lips as her eyes fluttered open and she tilted her head, capturing Regina's mouth in a slow, lazy kiss.
When they broke apart, Regina rested her head against Emma's chest and snuggled closer. "What about you?"
Regina lifted her head and grinned. "I don't have a headache." When Emma frowned, she rolled her eyes and laid back down. "Later. I know you're still tired."
Later apparently didn't mean when she woke up again because when the sound of her phone pulled her from sleep, Regina was nowhere in sight.
Thankful her headache was gone by this point, she resisted groaning at the annoying sound and dragged herself from under the covers to reach her jacket. Remaining half in and out of bed, her head dangled toward the floor as she answered her phone. "What?"
"Emma, you need to come to the hospital." It was David and he sounded.. she wasn't sure.
With the blood rushing to her head and fear of another headache, she managed to pull herself into a sitting position with no more than a grunt. "Why?"
"Uh, it seems Neal went to the Mayors Office and got himself into a little trouble." Amused, he sounded amused.
Rolling her eyes, she sighed. "And this concerns me, how?"
"Well you're the Sheriff and Regina may need to be arrested."
Emma was up and out of bed the moment he'd mentioned her name. "What? Why?! What'd she do?"
"She um.." He chuckled. "She threw him out of a window."
"Oh.." Shrugging on her jacket, her head darted about the room in search of her car keys.
"You don't sound surprised."
She grinned at the memories of this morning and shook her head. With keys in hand, she made her way downstairs before admitting her suspicions. "I may have given her the idea."
"Ah.." There was a pause, although she was fairly sure she heard someone snickering before he spoke again. "Well I can't vouch for whether he deserved it. Although if the things he was calling her when I showed up are anything to judge by, I'd say it was a provoked reaction."
"Maybe she felt threatened?" Maybe it was the kind of thing a crooked cop would do, making up excuses to avoid having to arrest the Evil Queen. Then again, Storybrooke could hardly be expected to adhere to the same laws as everyone else. The rest of the world didn't contain small towns full of magic and fairytale characters, arresting someone for something even Prince Charming found amusing seemed a slight overreaction.
"He did sound pretty angry." David seemed to agree with her.
"So.. self-defense?." Emma held her breath as she jogged down the street to where her car was parked, hoping she wouldn't have to throw her girlfriend in jail for something that was likely her fault in the first place.
"I'd say so." She smiled her relief as she released the breath.
"Looks like you won't need me after all." Starting the car, she backed out onto the road and turned toward 108 Mifflin Street. "By the way, tell her I'll be dropping by her house in about fifteen minutes, I have the perfect remedy for that headache she probably got dealing with him."