AN: They met in Curve Ball. They caused trouble in Grand Slam. They are up to more mischief in Home Run. Why a trilogy? Insomnia.
"It looks like a dildo," I tried to helpfully point out.
Dr. Mallory almost dropped the wand apparatus she was going to use for my internal exam.
My kid was as red as a ripe tomato.
"Would alien probe be more appropriate?" I would hate to offend.
"Miss Swan—" Dr. Mallory began. I ignored her.
These stirrups were uncomfortable and using oven mitts covered with Snoopys on the footrest was an odd choice to make them not so hard. It also seemed inappropriate that Snoopy was now staring up my vagina.
"I'm sure you have one, Doc."
"A what?" She asked. I think this exam made her want to pull out her salt and pepper hair. It was in a tight bun, so she might have a problem with that.
"A special vibrating friend, most likely shaped like a rabbit." Most women had them at her advanced age. They went to parties called things like, Passionate Past Times or Romantic Rendezvous. They catered to those times you want to be romantic with your own damn self.
I wouldn't know about such things, because I had my kid and he was pretty much available when I snapped my fingers. Kid also vibrates when you make him sit on the washing machine. He's like a living, breathing amusement park ride.
"I was talking about prenatal vitamins," she stated looking at me like I had escaped from the mental hospital.
"My father prescribed her some," Kid told her. He looked like he wanted to crawl under his chair to hide. He held my hand with his, but I think he would rather place it over my mouth.
I grimaced at the thought. "Prescribe something better. The man is trying to make me choke on those horse pills he gave me. Do I look like a farmyard animal?"
I think she tried to stifle a grin.
That's when she took a plastic bottle and squeezed a glop of sticky gel on the end of her wand. I couldn't stop giggling.
"Is that flavored?" I blurted out.
Kid hid his face in his hands. My poor embarrassed monkey.
The doctor let out a chuckle.
Then it occurred to me. The spawn was controlling me and making me act irrationally. I had pregnancy Tourette's or my baby was an alien. It was going to come out green with tentacles.
"This will be a little cold," the doctor explained. That's when she pushed it in.
She just inserted a popsicle in my vagina.
"You could have bought me dinner first," I complained.
Kid was going to run out of the room in embarrassment.
The room filled with a steady beat. The doctor smiled. "Somebody has a strong heart."
My man kissed me on my forehead and stared at the screen. It was filled with odd shapes. "Just like her mama."
"He's sweet, but lies. My heart is black." I kissed his hand and added, "It's probably a dude."
"We have awhile until we find out," Doc pointed out. She pointed at a blob. "There's your baby."
Kid's eyes became misty. "Hi baby, I'm your daddy. I love you."
He was simply adorable in a saccharine sweet way that hurt my teeth, but I love anyway.
I patted my belly and the thing wiggled. It knew me. "Nice to see you, Alien Baby. We cool?"
"Mommy loves you too!" Kid exclaimed.
"I was going to say that. Nice way to steal my thunder," I grumbled. "Love you, Alien Baby."
I really, really did.