AN: Writer's block. Happy holidays or just happy regular day.
"I've been accepted to all twelve colleges!"
That was an excessive amount of application fees. She was going to end up with Cheech in all his stoner glory.
The Teeny Tiny Dictator was in rare form. She had covered my living room table with college catalogues, lists and a container of chocolate chip cookies that she was now gorging on. The youngest Cullen was a stress eater, just like her brother. They both were stuffing their faces as Game of Thrones blared loudly on the television in front of them.
My kid was stressing over my pregnancy again. It seemed my constant burping worried that I would shake the spawn too much. He was adorable, but unbearable at the moment.
"Alice, just choose one," my kid complained. I could barely understand him with the cookies crammed in his mouth.
"Bella!" She whined loudly. "Where should I go? Should I go to school with Jasper?"
I could barely understand her as well. It was easy to imagine the crumbs spilling out of her mouth and landing all over my couch.
"Would you please let me use the bathroom in peace?" I never got a moment to myself.
My spawn punched me hard in the bladder again with its tiny fists or feet of fury. As I said before, never a moment to myself.
Dictator whined again, "You're always peeing."
"No shit, Sherlock. Pregnancy will do that to a gal," I yelled through the door. My stomach had rapidly become a bowling ball and I had a future ninja living in my inflated uterus.
I started to read the Medieval Times Chronicle that Kid started writing and passing out at Renaissance Fairs to try and get people interested in his writing. This was much better than the fan fiction that he started posting online.
It began as traditional Lord of the Rings adventures with elves and hobbits running around doing whatever fake creatures do. Supposedly, that wasn't popular and kid decided to branch out to what the fandom wanted. I originally pictured this fandom as balding men wearing until thick, black frames with masking tape wrapped around the nosepieces. That was until Kid had me read his newest story.
It took place in a high school where all the characters were human and the original hobbits were now really short freshman. They had romantic entanglements at prom and in janitor closets. There was this whole odd lingo about lemons. It wasn't how I imagined. I assumed that dwarves and hobbits enjoyed a nice, cool glass of lemonade in the shire. Oh no. It was really dirty sex.
The sex that my kid was writing about was our real life exploits.
Sex that was now being read by teenagers and horny housewives
I was not impressed, but for now, I'm letting it slide. If that isn't true love, I don't know what is.
"Bella! Come out! Please!" Dictator was pounding on the door now.
I slowly finished and then followed by washing my hands even slower. I was bordering on snail level of quickness. All the better to annoy her with.
"Listen Girl Cullen, I—" A fist hit my nose, as I pulled open the door. "What the fuck, Alice! You're hitting pregnant ladies now?"
Dictator watched in horror, chocolate chips remnants caked to her face. "I. . . Oh God. . . It was an accident! I would never—"
Kid stumbled off the couch with crumbs covering his sweater. "Get out, Alice!"
"Edward, I would never hurt Bella," she cried.
"Simmer down. It was a sugar induced Alice freak out. I'll be fine." All of a sudden I could feel wetness drip from my nose. "Damn it. Nose bleed."
"Bella, my angel!" Kid became hysterical and pulled off his shirt to press on my nose. He continued to spout sappy gibberish. "Your precious life blood must not leave you!"
I pulled away and plopped down in the couch, giving a yawn. A nap was definitely needed.
Dictator had stopped her weeping and stared at my kid's stomach. "Has that gotten bigger? You want to join me at the gym?"
Kid's eyes got wide and he wrapped his arms around his torso. "Quit it, Alice!"
"It's like you have some water weight or something," she continued in her oblivious way.
"Alice!" Kid was turning bright red.
That's when it happened. My bird and her incredibly big beak decided to chime in on the subject. "Edward Cullen has junk in his trunk!"
I looked at Annie Oakley. I looked at Kid and then back to the bird.
"Where did she learn that?" I asked in awe. Annie Oakley only talked inappropriately about sex.
"Emmett," Kid said sadly.
That idiotic giant. I was going to have to destroy him. Kid had only gained a little weight. It looked good on him. "Come here, Edward. Good-bye, Alice."
I patted the couch with one hand while the other clutched Kid's shirt to my nose.
Kid came over and laid his head on my rapidly disappearing lap. I raked my fingers through his hair.
"I still don't know what to do!" Alice started pulling at her dark hair.
"Just go to school with Cheech. That one needs constant supervision or he's going to start making bongs out of toilet paper rolls," I suggested.
"Thanks!" Dictator's smile was bright.
I motioned to the door with my bleeding nose. "Out."
Kid rubbed my leg. "Do you still love the obese Edward?"
"Please shut up. You still look like a handsome bastard. I think the little extra makes you look manly." I continued to rub his head. Then, of course, I got infected by his sappy. "More of you to love."
"I love you, Bella Cullen."
"I know, Kid," I tried to kiss his head, but my large stomach and bloody nostrils made it impossible. "Ditto."
That's when our spawn kicked his Kid's head.
"Was that the baby?" He asked excitedly.
I yawned. "Yup. The spawn wants to be a profession kick boxer."
He kissed my belly. "I love you."
"We love you."
Annie squawked, "Fuck Edward Cullen!"
That's much better.