AN: This is the end. I might get really drunk and write you an Edward sequel where he imagines everything that happened as Dungeon and Dragons role play.
I would have to be crazy drunk.
I don't do drugs. I just make jokes about it.
Seriously though, you might get outtakes.
I'll probably write an OF first starring a character like Curve Ball Bella. I'll be lucky if I can beg people to buy my photocopied books in front of the grocery store. Mostly, because my daughter's Girl Scout troop will run me off by throwing boxes of Thin Mints at my head. They hate people trying to steal their cookie selling thunder. Tiny Girl Scout demons. Now I want a box of Trefoils. Damn it.
Anyway, I will miss writing these crazy kids. Thank you for reading.
It is one of those words that has been seriously overused.
Love is randomly thrown about by people who are barely acquaintances in emails, children's birthday cards, or Facebook statuses. It really is sad the way people crave that emotion so much that they force it on strangers.
The people around me celebrating Gwen's birthday? I'm fond of them. Can't expect a girl to change overnight, can you?
Though I do love Edward, Gwen, and Chief Charlie so that's something. I'm also using Edward's name more and more lately. He's still my kid mostly, but our relationship's changing. He's my other half.
God, I'm becoming a sap. It was awful.
My mother is . . . She's disappeared again. We're all better off.
"You look weird," Tanya pointed out. She stuck a piece of pizza in my face.
"You look like you defiled my bushes with Heidi." I motioned toward an uncomfortable looking Heidi standing next to a table of snacks. "This is a first birthday party, Denali. Try to show some decorum."
"Gwen loves me, Bella. She wants Auntie Tanya to be happy. Auntie Heidi made Auntie Tanya very happy." Tanya grabbed the pizza away from me and took a bite.
"Not cool, Tanya." My glare just made her laugh.
It was Gwen's birthday party and my sugar fiend was covered in cake and icing. She sat with Fat Ass's giant offspring and the little girls were giggling over a potato chip. It was a bizarre friendship, but it made my spawn happy. Gwen takes after Kid in that way. They do have a soft spot for the McCarty family.
Trailer was sitting next to them. She was making chips dance for the girls and singing some sort of goofy song. She was a really good mother, except for the overfeeding her daughter junk food. I can't say anything. Gwen's vocabulary of curse words was all because of me. Mother of the year was not in my future.
I saw James Taylor sitting on a picnic bench next to Boobs. They were still going strong. He mouthed at me, "I hate you."
"Rot, asshole," I answered.
"You two would be having sex if there was no Edward or Angela," Tanya said, as she watched our exchange.
"You are a revolting individual, Tanya."
Kate strolled over. "She might have a point. Weirder things have happened."
"You and Teeth?" I saw him talking to my kid. Knowing the two of them, I imagined it was about Lord of the Rings. Kid probably wanted to pretend to be one of those little guys with the giant, hairy feet.
Kate started giggling. "Yes, but I was thinking about Alice and Jasper."
The teeny tiny dictator and Cheech were sneaking kisses by the edge of the yard. Carlisle looked liked he wanted to cool them off with the garden hose. Esme and Chief Charlie stood nearby and were completely oblivious as they discussed onion dips.
"There's something in the water of Forks," I pointed out with a sigh. "It makes people crazy. You want to watch Gwen for me, Kate?"
"Is love in the air, Bella Swan? Want some alone time with Cullen?" Kate teased.
Tanya wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "Bella grew a heart like the Grinch! It's adorable!"
My skin was crawling. "Stop with the touching, Tanya."
"That's my girl! I thought you were getting soft in your old age," she said. Tanya's eyes were gleeful.
Never. My dreams of a curmudgeon future full of mocking others would never die.
"I need to talk to Edward." I stomped off, but they kept making fun of me.
"She loves Edward!" Tanya exclaimed with a cackle.
Kate added, "It has to be when she calls him by his name. I wonder if they are going to kiss and make more babies?"
"Oh shut up!" I called behind me, I gave them a middle finger salute.
No more babies for a very long time. One teenage pregnancy is enough. I would like to legally drink for a couple of years first. It would be important to be able to drink with friends like these. I felt a need for some beer at this very moment.
"Bells, not in front of the babies!" Dad reprimanded me. He waved his beer at me. Nice way to rub it in, Pop.
I attempted to make a beeline to Kid, but the giant had to get in my way.
"What?" The guy was like a brick wall and I was stuck.
He looked sad. "Why are you leaving us? Going to Seattle?"
"Kid got a job." It wasn't rocket science.
"He doesn't need a job! Edward can hang out with me!"
I watched as Kid waved at me. There was a sheen of sweat on his brow. I wanted to lick it off. I was helpful like that. "You mean take care of Gwen."
"Oh right . . . Gwen." He looked confused.
I wasn't planning on being kind, but the giant one was even more dependent on Kid since we got back. "This is good for him, Emmett McCarty. We're going to be closer than when we were in Connecticut. You can even—"
I couldn't make myself say it. My mouth wouldn't let me form the words. My lips were sealed.
"Visit? You'll let me visit? Cool, girl!" He squealed.
"Sure," I answered to get him to let me pass. "I need Kid—"
"To tell him the good news about my visits?"
Anything to get his fat ass to move back to the table of munchies.
"Awesome!" He patted me on my head and ran right back to the chips and dip. That wasn't surprising in the least. That guy could eat an entire town.
What the hell did I do? The giant would be in Seattle every weekend.
I rushed over to Kid and took his arm. "You. Me. Inside."
"Bella Swan, this is literally the greatest first birthday party ever! The mini cupcakes are superb!" Teeth gushed.
I didn't make them, but happy Teeth likes tiny cupcakes. I'm sure Kate finds it to be a turn on.
"Cool. I need Edward. You can thank Esme for her cupcake skills," I said. Kid couldn't even say good-bye as I dragged him away.
We went quickly into the house and I pulled him into the closest bedroom. I placed both hands on his belt buckle.
"Bella, my queen, are you angry with me?" Kid looked nervous.
"No." I struggled with his belt. "Why is this thing not opening?"
"You called me Edward."
"That's your name and I felt like using it." That stupid belt wouldn't budge. "Seriously, what is wrong with this thing?"
"You love me." He looked me like I was his everything. "Every time I'm reminded that you love me, it makes me smile."
"I was going to remind you with sex, but your belt is evil." I groaned. "Please take off your pants."
"Our family and friends are outside," he pointed out. "It's Gwennie's party."
"Do you care?" I pulled off my shirt. He stared at my breasts.
Kid grinned. "Not at all."
There was a rush to get off all our clothes. Shirts flew onto the lampshades and jeans were in heaps on the floor. There was no rhyme or reason to our awkward undressing. Naked Kid threw me down on a bed. He kissed my neck and said, "I love frisky Queen Isabella."
"It's the way I rule the kingdom, man. I seduce the king."
Kisses and caresses, became fierce thrusting. It was bordering on the type of animal mating one would see on nature documentaries.
"Bells, when should Gwen open her presents?" Chief Charlie's voice called out. "I want her to open the sea monkeys I got her."
Damn it. That old man knew how to ruin the moment.
Luckily, we were in the guest room where Annie Oakley lived. She ended my father's search with a few words.
"Fucking Edward Cullen!" She squawked.
My bird spoke the truth.