Something creaked behind me! A soft step on rotting wood! I jumped, startled, scared, and turned, expecting to see—God knows what! Then I sighed, for it was only Chris standing in the gloom, silently staring at me. Why? Did I look prettier than usual? Was it the moonlight, shining through my airy clothes?
All random doubts were cleared when he said in a voice gritty and low, "You look beautiful sitting there like that." He cleared the frog in his throat. "The moonlight is etching you with silver-blue, and I can see the shape of your body through your clothes."
Then, bewilderingly, he seized me by the shoulders, digging in his fingers, hard! They hurt. "Damn you, Cathy! You kissed that man! He could have awakened and seen you, and demanded to know who you were! And not thought you only a part of his dream!"
Scary the way he acted, the fright I felt for no reason at all. "How do you know what I did? You weren't there; you were sick that night."
He shook me, glaring his eyes, and again I thought he seemed a stranger. "He saw you, Cathy—he wasn't soundly asleep!"
"He saw me?" I cried, disbelieving. It wasn't possible—wasn't!
"Yes!" he yelled. This wasn't Chris, who was usually in such control of his emotions. "He thought you a part of his dream! But don't you know that Momma can guess who it was, just by putting two and two together—just as I have? Damn you and your romantic notions! Now they're on to us! They won't leave money casually about as they did before. He's counting, she's counting, and we don't have enough—not yet!" He yanked me down from the window sill! He appeared wild and furious enough to slap my face—and not once in all our lives had he ever struck me, though I'd given him reason to when I was younger.
"Stop it," I yelled and pushed him away. Perhaps it was the terrified look in my eyes that made him let me go. I stared at him looking shocked and puzzled.
"God damn it Cathy!" He knocked a table over and the twin's toys went flying. "Why did you kiss him? WHY!"
I didn't know what to say. I was in shock watching him turn his aggression on the attic. "Chris stop—stop, you'll wake the twins. You'll scare them. Shhh." He didn't seem to hear me. He went on knocking toys and books over in a frantic rage. Our record player hit the floor in a crash along with all our records. Then he knocked over all of his medical books. "Chris, please, please, please stop!" Never had any of us been this loud, ever. If the grandmother heard there would be hell to pay. What would she do to us this time? "Chris stop! If she hears you she'll punish us again."
He screamed at me from across the room. "Let the crazy bitch try. I swear to god if she tries to hurt you again, I'LL KILL HER. I'll bash her brains in. I should have done it years ago. I wasn't tall enough or strong enough last time she whipped us. You'll see Cathy. If she tries to hurt my family again, I WILL kill her!"
I began to cry. Not because he said he would kill our grandmother. She deserved to die a thousand times over, but because he seemed to have gone completely crazy. Over three years of suppressed anger suddenly hit him. This wasn't my Chris. He had always been the only person in the world who could help me when I was scared, sick or hurt. Through all our hardships he tried to remain positive, to find solutions, to fix everything. He had healed my cuts and bruises when the grandmother had whipped us, he had found ways to keep us alive when she had starved us and he had never gotten this mad. I wanted to run to him, wrap my arms around him, calm him down and be there for him the way he had always been there for me but I was scared. My feet seemed to be glued to the ground. I didn't know who this enraged man was. Why would Chris get this mad over me kissing another man? WHY? I closed my eyes and covered my ears. I couldn't bear to watch anymore.
He tore apart the entire room. His medical books, the twin's toys, all of our games and almost everything we owned was knocked over. Even with my hands clasped tightly over my ears I could hear him yelling. "I'm so sick of this fake garden, this fake schoolroom, this fake dance studio. This FAKE LIFE!" Everything our mother had given to us was meaningless now. Everything we had built so carefully was coming down. Perhaps he was insisting we wouldn't need this attic because we were going to be free soon no matter what. It was as if he wanted to tear down our prison walls and set us all free.
Then everything stopped and it was quiet. Too quiet! As if the person I needed most in the world had disappeared forever and only emptiness remained. Who would take care of me now? I had no father, a mother who didn't give a damn about me and now I didn't have my Chris either. I didn't dare open my eyes. I was afraid of what I would see. Was he still crazy? Had my Christopher Doll lost his mind forever? I had no one, no one, no one! All I could hear were my own sobs.
Then I felt his arms around me, holding me tightly. I breathed a sigh of relief and dropped my hands for my ears and hugged him. "Why did you kiss him Cathy—why?" His voice was still low and shaking. It had a pitch that I had never heard before. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't talk. I was crying too hard. I just held him as tightly as I could; clinging onto the person I loved most in the world. His body was still shaking from his outburst. Slowly his emotions settled and his hands began to stroke my hair gently. We stayed like that for a while; just holding each other in the darkness.
"I love you Cathy," he whispered in my ear. My heart skipped a beat. He had said that to me dozens of times but not this way. "You're supposed to only want to kiss me! I'd do anything for you Cathy, ANYTHING! I'll take you and the twins away from hear, where it is warm and sunny. I'll give up my dream of becoming a doctor. I'll work any job I can to take care of you and the twins. We'll be together, just the four of us—forever."
I stopped crying. My heart began to pound and it was hard to breathe. His hands began to rub my back. His fingers were exploring all over my skin. I couldn't believe this was happening. "No! I don't want this. It's wrong," I thought. I pulled away, "Chris no. you don't really love me. As soon as we get out of here, we'll both find other people to love. You don't know what you are saying!"
He pulled me back again. I trembled all over. "I know exactly what I'm saying. I watch you at night when you are sleeping and I want to get in bed with you. I dream of the one time I held you naked in my arms and kissed you. I think about it over and over again. I stand in the shadows and watch you dance. I know the shape of your body by heart. I love you!" He lifted my head back and pressed his lips down on mine. It was a soft sweet kiss. For a moment I couldn't move, breathe or think. He kept one arm tightly wrapped around me. His other arm slid to my front and his hand touched my face.
It felt so good to be loved. Really loved! Not the fake kind of love that Momma offered, but real love. For the first time in years I felt truly happy. I didn't have to wait for an old man to die so I could live. I didn't have to wait for us to have enough money before we could run away and be happy. Happiness was here and now. Instinctively, I held onto him tightly and kissed him back. Our kiss became more passionate then it ever had before. All the other times he had kissed me the kisses had been soft and sweet before we had separated and felt shameful. But this kiss was passionate. I thought to myself, "I love him. I've always loved him. Even when we were children. When we were children! Oh god—he's my brother what the hell are we doing?"
"Chris—," I sighed out and I stopped kissing him. I felt scared and shameful. I lowered my head. I couldn't look at him, but I also couldn't bear the idea of leaving his arms. I stared at the ground awkwardly.
"Would you rather be kissing Bart Winslow?" He sounded hurt and jealous.
"No," I whispered. I couldn't possibly put what I was feeling into words.
"Would you rather be kissing anybody else?"
There was a long awkward pause before I whispered, "No."
He pulled me into a warm loving hug and whispered softly in my ear, "You're mine, Cathy! Mine! You'll always be mine! No matter who comes into your future, you'll always belong to me!" He kept one arm wrapped around me tightly. His other arm slid to my front and his hand cupped my breast softly. I jumped, feeling startled. He'd never just grabbed me like that before. I could feel the warmth of his hand through my thin nightgown and his breath hot on my face. Then he was murmuring my name over and over again. "Oh Cathy, Cathy, my Cathy, I'll make you mine tonight— now!" I suddenly realized that he wanted to do much more than kiss. His shaking hands reached up to slide off my thin nightgown. As he undressed me, I heard myself nervously gasping for air. The elastic neck of my nightgown stretched over my shoulders and he pulled it down, down, down along with my panties.
"Stop, run away, don't let him," my mind told me it was wrong but my feet wouldn't move. My eyes were shut out of embarrassment. He'd seen me naked before but not like this. I felt the warm attic air all around my skin.
"God you're beautiful." He pulled me into his arms and I gasped, not realizing he had also taken off his shirt. His naked skin was against mine. I clung to him for comfort. He sensed that I was scared so he just held me in his arms and gently stroked my hair. Then he whispered in my ear, "I've never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life." I shuttered again. I felt his erection growing larger by the minute. He whispered softly and playfully in my ear. "I'm going to make love to you now my lady Catherine!" I quivered all over. He grinned a little because he knew how overwhelmed I felt. He knew what an overly dreamy and romantic girl I was. He knew exactly what to do and say to make me want him. He knew me better than I knew myself.
My voice was a soft whimper, "No Chris we can't—I can't—it's a sin. Don't love me Chris, please—please don't, don't—don't do this—just let me go and forget this happened tonight." My resistance only made him more determined. He held me tighter and kissed my neck softly not listening to me. "Chris—stop! I'm your sister." I struggled to get free, but his arms were too strong.
He put his mouth close to my ear. "No you're not. You're my wife—and those two children sleeping downstairs are ours. That's the way I love you. That is the way I will always love you." I couldn't believe what he was saying. We were too young to feel so intensely. All the years locked up together robbed us of our childhood.
He took my hands and put them on his belt buckle. "Please Cathy—please, please, please," he moaned in my ear. My hands shook as I open his belt buckle, and his pants. He moaned with delight as he slid one of my hands inside his underwear. "Oh god it's so big and hard! I can't possibly take all that into me," I thought. Unsure of exactly what to do I just gripped it softly. He gasped and moaned, "Oh god I love you." Then he quickly removed the rest of his cloths and held me. We were both naked. I trembled as he pressed himself against me.
Then he urged me to walk backwards and I landed on the attic mattress. He was on top of me in an instant. He was so turned on I thought he was going to just take me then and there. But he didn't rush. He kissed me again. This time he parted my lips with his tongue and kissed me more passionately then ever before. Then he brushed soft kisses down my neck and kissed my breasts softly. He lingered there so long kissing them, as if he had wanted to do so forever. I gasped for air. My eyes were closed. I couldn't believe this was happening! Then he moved upward to kiss my lips again. This time he was lying slightly on his side next to me. His hand stroked my cheek and then ran down over my breasts and then lower over my flat stomach and down, down, down until his finger was inside of me. "Oh god…Chris…oh my god," I muttered. I couldn't believe how good it felt.
"Oh Cathy I want you so badly," he whispered in my ear as he moved his finger gently inside of me. My eyes were shut. They had been this whole time. I was afraid to look at him…embarrassed…overwhelmed. If I kept my eyes closed perhaps it would make what we were doing less wrong. "Look at me Cathy…please… look at me." Our eyes met. Oh god those blue eyes of his! They stared into mine with so much love as he gave me my first orgasm. Then he pulled his finger away and he couldn't wait another second. I felt the tip of his penis rubbing against the outside of my vagina. He was teasing me; making me want him as much as he wanted me. "I'm going to make love to you now my lady Catherine," he said again playfully. I shuttered. He pushed inside of me slowly but did not enter all the way.
I gasped "Oh my god…Chris." It hurt a little. He pulled out and then slid in again, this time a little further, but still not all the way. He pulled out again. "Oh my god," I cried out as he slid into me fully. I whimpered in pain for a moment.
"Shhhhh, I love you," he whispered in my ear and held completely still for a moment before he started to move gently inside of me. Oh god it hurt for a moment or two and then the pain disappeared. His pace was so slow. "Oh Cathy, Cathy, Cathy. My Cathy, how I love you," he whispered.
"Oh Chris," I cried holding him tighter against me.
He cried out "Cathy please—please tell me you love me."
I opened my eyes and looked at him. "I love you Chris. Of course I love you." He got so excited his pace quickened a little and then I had a soft and sweet orgasm. Then his passion built and he had to have me fully. He pulled out all the way so we could switch positions. I had a moment of doubt and fear. Oh god was this a sin? Would we go to hell?
I was still on my back. Chris took my legs and brought them up so they bent over his shoulders. "Trust me," he said before he tried to enter me again.
"What if this is wrong," I asked weakly.
"Then try not to have an orgasm," he said playfully before he entered me again.
I really cried out this time. "Oh god! How does he know how to do this so well," I thought. I cried his name over and over again. This made him get excited and quicken his pace. My pleasure intensified so much, my body went limp. My arms dropped down onto the mattress. He knew he had me exactly where he wanted me. He grabbed my wrists and he thrust into me hard and fast over and over again. "See—you're mine, Cathy! Mine! You'll always be mine!" Every thrust gave me an orgasm. I felt his desire build and I knew he was going to ejaculate. He let go of my wrists and I held him against me as tightly as I could. I felt his passion growing and growing and it was bringing me closer and closer to an orgasm. I'd already had many, but this one would be different because he'd have one too. "Oh how I love you Cathy," he cried. I held onto him as tightly as I could, but he pulled out of me and ejaculated on the mattress next to me, denying me that last big orgasm. When it was over he looked at me and said, "We have to be careful Cathy."
We held each other tightly afterwards. How could my first time have been so good? When we were in school years ago we would hear rumors of older kids. Our friend's older siblings and how they had "done it" and how it had been awkward and awful. How could this have been so right? "How did you know how to do all of that so well," I asked. He smiled and said, "I've been reading a lot about needlepoint designs." We both giggled. It seemed strange that we were still the same two people.
"I have to go check on the twins," he said getting up and quickly putting his pants on. We both suddenly felt worried that they might have heard and now they would be scared or confused.
When he was gone I cried a little. I was scared. What had we done? Would we go to hell now? How could something so wonderful be so wrong? I curled up on my side feeling worried and exposed naked and alone in the attic. He came rushing back to me with a blanket and pillow. He assured me the twins were sleeping soundly and that he had barricaded the door incase the grandmother tried to get in while we were away.
He covered me with the blanket, took is pants back off and then curled up next to me naked and held me. He knew exactly what I was thinking. He knew me better then I knew myself. "Cathy, this isn't wrong. It will never be wrong. If it is a sin, then hell would be heaven with you." I closed my eyes and slept in his arms. We'd wake before dawn to sneak downstairs and get in our different beds so the twins wouldn't suspect anything.