Here is the first chapter of my LotR parody! :) I really hope you enjoy, make sure to leave a review/follow/favorite and most importantly, laugh and enjoy! To all of my regular readers, I'm changing my update day to Sunday. Schoolwork is really overwhelming right now. Well, I won't keep you any longer!
It began with the forging of the great spotlight.
Yeah, there were rings too but nobody gives a spider's ass about rings anymore.
So anyway, Sauron made the most pimpin awesome spotlight that doubled as a disco ball and a pizza machine. Elves and men alike were jealous so they besieged Sauron in his fortress in Mordor. The battle was really epic but Sauron had hidden the spotlight in his underwear drawer so nobody ended up finding it.
However, Isildur son of the King, broke his father's sword by being a failure and took the ring for his own. Sauron was defeated, at least for the next thousand or so years. Elrond tried to get Isildur to destroy the ring, but Isildur was afraid of the elf lord's eyebrows and ran away. Elrond was a pussy so he didn't even try to stop Isildur. Thus, a plotline was created.
Long story short, Isildur died and Gollum found the ring and succumbed to the disorder known as "Wifi Syndrome". He hid in a cave and never came out because instead of Wifi he had his Precious. Bilbo ended up picking up the ring and eventually carried it back to the Shire. And that is where our story begins:
"ur late ganny," Frodo said, closing his book and jumping into Gandalf's wagon.
"Sonofabitch boy you scared me!" Gandalf said, pretending to be scared. "Just kidding, nobody scares me! CAZ AHM GANDALF!" he jumped up and almost set all of his fireworks off.
"its gud to see u," Frodo hugged Gandalf.
When Frodo's back was turned, Gandalf made a disgusted face and then gave a fake smile when Frodo turned back.
"Haha, like I'd miss a chance to set off my PIMPIN MOFO BADASS FIREWORKS!" Gandalf started screaming again. More fireworks went off.
"yah. like everyone is coming."
Meanwhile Gandalf was trying to put out the fire in the back of the wagon.
Thus, life in the Shire goes on.
Gandalf arrived at Bag End and blew a horn that made a door bell sound.
"NO MORE DWARVES!" came a scream from inside. "I SWEAR TO MY AUNTY HILDIGRIM'S NICKEL BACKS IF IT'S ANOTHER DWARF I WILL THROW MYSELF OFF OF MOUNT DOOM."
"What about a total badass friend?" Gandalf asked, completely unfazed.
Bilbo opened the door. "Oh, if it was you, Gandalf, then why didn't you say so?"
"Wizards don't 'say'. We PAARTAY!" Gandalf threw some confetti and put on shutter shades.
"Well you certainly haven't changed. What would you like? Tea? Cream puffs? If you say shots I will literally rip my face off," Bilbo offered, his eye twitching slightly.
"I see you still haven't really recovered from that party all those years ago," Gandalf chuckled. "Don't worry, it's just me and my awesomeness!"
"Dwarves, trolls, goblins, orcs, barrels, spiders, and just for the hell of it, dragons," Gandalf said.
Bilbo's eyes started to point in different directions.
"Yo Fatty! Nice to see ya!" greeted Bilbo welcomed one of his guests. The party had been going on for about an hour now and half of the hobbits were already smashed.
"But my name's Fredegar..." answered the 2k pound hobbit.
Meanwhile Frodo was trying to get Sam to dance with Rosie and Merry and Pippin were stealing fireworks.
"hey bilbs how do u liek the party," Frodo asked his uncle.
"Good so far! Hey if you see the Sackville-Bagginses..." Bilbo handed Frodo a grenade launcher. "Just in case."
"kk uncle. uh oh look out 4 da dragon," Frodo tried to get Bilbo to duck.
"DRAGON." Bilbo's nipples exploded.
Once they got Bilbo patched up, he stood in front of the party guests, ready to deliver a speech.
"Hey all, I just wanted to say a few things. First things first, the Sackville-Baggins can go eat a falafel made of their toenails, crap that out, shove it back up their ass, and crap it out a second time, then stick their-" All of the hobbit mothers put their hands on their children's ears. "-and if you manage to get it back out, take a cheese grater and-" The hands went back on. "-so once you regain consciousness you can repeat the process, except with scalding water this time."
Proudfoots and Brandybucks alike stared in horror.
"In conclusion, you all suck. Bilbo out." Bilbo put on the ring and disappeared.
"Bilbo, why would you do that?" Gandalf asked Bilbo back in Bag End.
"Come on, Gandalf. Did you see their faces?" Bilbo asked, shoving Pakistan into his napsack.
"Of course I saw their faces. I have eyes." Gandalf got all up in Bilbo's grill. "Do you see these? Do you see these? Do you see these? DO YOU SEE-"
"Alright, alright!" Bilbo cried, backing away. "I understand your point. I should be more responsible with a ring of power."
Gandalf nodded wisely. He hadn't been thinking about that at all, but yolo.
"You'll keep an eye on Frodo, right?"
"Two eyes." Gandalf said. "Do you see-"
"Yes! I see them!"
"Are you leaving the ring with Frodo?"
"Yes. No. Maybe." Bilbo pulled the ring out of his pocket. "Precious."
"Uh, you're being kind of creepy, Bilbo." Gandalf said. "It's dampening my vibe."
"Bah! Vibes..." Bilbo caressed the ring. "What do I care for swag when I have my precious."
"YO! BILBS! STAHP KILLING MY VIBE!" Gandalf yelled, waving his arms. Bilbo dropped the ring and with a flash of light and harmonicas, Gandalf's awesomeness was returned to its former glory.
"Sorry, Gandalf," Bilbo apologized. "I guess I better get going."
"YOU BETTA BE SORRY!" Gandalf almost knocked over the chandelier. "Have fun in Rivendell, my friend. Tell Elrond he needs to fix his eyebrows.
"Will do. Byeeee!"
"hey did bilbo leave," Frodo asked, walking into Bag End an hour later.
Gandalf was sitting by the fire, meditating on how badass he was. "Yes, he had gone. He left you all of his possessions and something called a 'wifi password' and a 'laptop'."
Frodo's eyes got really big and he dashed into his bedroom.
"Oh, and remember to keep the ring secret. And safe. And fabulous. Byeeee!" Gandalf skipped out of Bag End.
Ta-da! If you liked this, make sure to check out my Hobbit parody! I hope you laughed! See you next week! :)