Happy December guys! Only 12 more days until Desolation of Smaug! :D After that I'll start writing my Hobbit parody again. Anyways, I found this random gourmet food generator online and I had way too much fun with that... you'll see...
"PRAISE THE JESUS, ITS BACK!" Frodo whooped, leaping to his feet and prancing around. "YASSSSSS!"
Gandalf panicked a little. A WiFi signal?! That would ruin Frodo's motivation to get to Mordor! A little box appeared in front of the wizard, displaying his different attacks, Pokemon style.
"Um, um…" He chose one at random, which happened to be "Random Noun Attack".
"Rocket! Japan! Occupation! Anatomy! Digestion!" Gandalf yelled. "Hour! Bush! Carpenter! Mellon!"
Suddenly, the doors to Moria opened.
"IMA GENIUS!" Gandalf yelled, partying into Moria. The rest of the Fellowship followed him. Frodo was focused on his laptop, waiting for Tumblr to load. Sam had to drag him into the Mines.
"Soon, you all will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves. We have savoury mustard jerky served with cheese! Barbecued frankfurter and watermelon paste served with orange rutabaga and trout pie! Sauteed rhubarb pasta on a bed of pan-fried chicken and muskrat!"
"What the hell kind of diet do you dwarves have?" Legolas snapped.
"Sumptuous hazelnut and apple paste tossed with yellowed peanut and pineapple!" Gimli was having way too much fun coming up with dwarfish food items. "And my favorite: roasted walnut rolls topped with colorful sea urchin and mushroom!"
"What the actual crap…?"
Gandalf lit up his staff, sending disco lights across the walls of the cavern, accompanied with blaring music. Pippin almost passed out, his drugged brain very sensitive to the stimulus.
"Sorry!" Gandalf shook his staff until it let out a regular white glow.
The light fell across many rotting corpses and skeletons.
"N00oooOoooOOo00oOOoO0000oOoOO!" Gimli screamed, kneeling over one of the dead bodies. "What about the fragrant bass shish-kebab with greenish lime slices?"
"This isn't a mine…it's a tomb," Boromir declared sadly. "So many noses lost. I always liked dwarven noses. We must make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never have come here."
The hobbits began backing out of the mine.
"yess, come one precious loading bar, its almost there!" Frodo encouraged his laptop.
Merry, Pippin, and Sam gasped as their friend was grabbed by a tentacle and pulled towards the lake.
"NONONOO!" Frodo screamed, clutching his laptop.
Sam ran to help Frodo, but a certain raven stabbed him in the ass with its beak, making him fall on the attacking tentacle. His body fat caused the tentacle to lose blood circulation so it let go of Frodo.
The ringbearer tried to escape but several tentacles burst out of the water, another one grabbing him again and holding him above the water.
"GOD FRIGGIN DAMNIT!" Frodo screamed as his laptop slipped out of his arms and disappeared into the water. "SOGIJOIWJOISWGJBEOIJGEROI!"
Legolas skidded into action, taking out his flamethrower and dousing the tentacles in fiery madness. Aragorn and Boromir jumped into the fray, slashing off some tentacles.
"JUST KILL ME NOW," Frodo wailed. The monster obliged, revealing a huge mouth with rows of teeth as big as Justin Bieber's ego.
Aragorn cut off the tentacle holding Frodo. Boromir grabbed the hobbit and ushered everybody into the mines. Legolas threw a fire grenade into the monster's mouth and ran after the others, cackling, "HAHAHA BURN!"
The lake monster's body puffed up as a muffled explosion was heard. Smoke leaked from its eyeballs. In its final death throes, the monster latched its tentacles onto the doorway, bringing the entrance down and trapping the Fellowship.
Gandalf nonchalantly lit his staff, illuminating the pale faces of the Fellowship.
"PUNCH ME IN DA BALLS," Frodo lamented. "my life is over!"
"No need to be so dramatic," Merry scolded. "It's just a laptop."
"wut did u just say to me u friggin bitch?" Frodo's creepy blue eyes glowed in the dark.
"Um, I, um, er, eh…" Merry decided to do what he did best. "Who am I? What class is this? Is it time for second breakfast yet?"
"We now have but one choice," Gandalf announced. "We must face the long, dark caverns of Moria. Don't worry guys, dark places are the best for partying! But still, be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep parts of the world."
"That sounds like an innuendo."
"QUIET OVER THERE. It's a four day journey to the other side. Let's hope we can pass through unnoticed." The wizard started walking.
They walked. And walked some more. They trooped, patrolled, wandered, rambled-
"Shut UP, Legolas!"
The elf in question took a blowtorch out of his pack. "You know what? This place needs a little more light."
Meanwhile, Gimli was at the front of the line, talking to the hobbits like a tour guide. "The wealth of Moria is not in gold, nor jewels, but in Mithril."
"Bilbo had a shirt made of Mithril," Gandalf interjected. "I never told him, but that shirt was worth more than the entire Shire!"
Frodo's eyes gleamed in the dark. "so like selling dat shirt could buy a new laptop?'
"Probably," Gimli answered. "Mithril also happens to be highly flammable-"
The entire cliff-face exploded. Michael Bay cackled.
So make sure to leave a review telling your favorite part! Also go check out my Hobbit parody!