Disclaimer: Mahou Sensei Negima and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Akamatsu Ken, and the authors of this humble piece have made no material profit from it, and never will do.
Fate Stay Night and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Type-Moon and Kinoko Nasu, whom I'm not advocating to hurt or harm in any way, shape or form, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.
Batman, Superman, the Teen Titans and all related characters and elements belong to DC Comics.
All other characters mentioned also belong to their respective copyright holders. We make no money out of them, either.
Any resemblance of anything in this story with anything in real life beyond "human beings have eyes and legs" is a simple coincidence.
Thanks to Darkenning for all his help with this chapter.
The year is 20XX A.D. (but this isn't a MegaMan game), and the end of the world has come (no, no MegaMan game).
From the far reaches of space, the mysterious life form Data OverMaster appears.
The sky turns blood red, electronic devices everywhere stop working, another Twilight book is published, and the Earth descends into chaos.
In the midst of the panic, Negi Springfield, Emiya Shirou and Tohno Shiki – an absolutely normal wizard child teacher and two absolutely normal high school students vacationing in Mundus Magicus - witness three girls in a violent battle with sparks, plasma, and beams!
One, a princess of knights who hides her name.
The other, a vampire who... doesn't.
The other other than the other, a forgotten princess who has forgotten she was a princess herself, in no small part because she's an idiot.
Taking heavy damage, the three girls crash into the city of Ostia that has already been reduced to rubble. The three boys split up and head toward the crash site. And thus, without noticing, their destinies also split apart.
In the end, what is survival? Is it the Moon? Is it Fate?
The curtain is rising on a Holy Grail War of unprecedented scale! Opening next season in theaters worldwide! UNEQUALLY RATIONAL AND EMOTIONAL THE MOVIE- CARNIVAL PHANTASM!-!-!
But... It's. Live. Action.
IT'S TRULY THE END OF THE WOORRRRRLD!-!-!-!
The Ahnenerbe Cafe was a tiny speck at the middle of the Mundus Magicus plains, a small resting place for weary travelers, a haven for those stranded on heroic quests far away from their homelands, where they could relax over a jar of drink and-
"WE ALREADY USED THIS OPENING IN LESSON 42 OF UNEQUALLY RATIONAL AND EMOTIONAL!" Kiryuu Nanami yelled while stopping for a moment in her job of serving tables at the Café, while the TV showed the trailer for the upcoming new movie that had everyone exited. "Geez, first the author barely modifies an original Type-Moon gag statement, and now he copypastes his own works? How lazy is this guy anyway?"
Kikukawa Yukino sighed sadly while a customer slapped her butt. "I was promised a real meaty Action Girl role of my own… But we've been stuck here for months now, serving tables! Aren't we the Magic Knights? Aren't we supposed to go rescue Princess Emeraude? Besides, I need my Haruka-chan! I want to go back with Haruka-chan! I-!"
The front door slammed open, and in strode a confident, buxom blonde in skintight light green and white. "Hark! I'm Haruka Armitage, Brigadoonier General for the Republic of Aries, and the Otome for President Yukino Chrysant! I'm here on an investigation!"
"—on second thought, I think I can stay here for a while longer!" Yukino abruptly said.
Neco Arcueid, the owner of the cafe, waved cheerfully at the audience from behind the counter. "And now, it's starting!"
"Ehhhh! But I didn't get any lines of dialogue yet!" Shidou Hikaru protested.
Unequally Fate Zero... as done by Studio SHAFT!
Lancer tilted his head back, speaking with his beautiful Hiroshi Kamiya voice. "I'm so glad you rose to my challenge, Saber. I was starting to believe that either all other Servants in this War were cowards, or production had halted again. Now, let us do battle!"
There was a full screen sign reading 'Challenge!'
Saber tilted her head back. Then she valiantly spoke as the camera made an extreme close-up on her chest. "Lancer! Gladly, my sword will meet your weapons in this fated field of battle! But first, stop working your unholy magic on my Master!"
Behind Saber, a starstruck Irisviel had become a grotesque funny caricature drawn by Yuu Kobayashi.
Lancer smiled sadly, tilting his head back. A charming 'Ting!' sound effect was heard. "I'm sorry, Saber, but I simply cannot help being that attractive. Despite all the hassles and tragedies my sensual character design brings me. I'M IN DESPAIR! BEING SO BEAUTIFUL IT'S A CURSE HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR...! But I digress. You would be in love as well if your character hadn't been Flanderized into a lesbian."
Saber tilted her head aside. "But I could resist the charm in the original material as well! Haven't you read the light novel?"
"Of course not. I was made by the Negima?! team, so they didn't bother to DO THE RESEARCH. But enough words! Let us duel!"
"Are you sure we have met our quota of talking heads for the episode?" asked Saber.
A full screen sign showed a '?' with a Chibi Caster and Ryuunosuke at the bottom.
"Never mind," said Lancer, tilting his head back. "We can meet the quota with a lengthy spoken flashback to my past, but since we are short on budget, we'll cover that with seven minutes of onscreen text. Then we'll animate those sequences for the Blu-Ray."
"That's fine with me," said Saber, tilting her head back and erotically eating an apple for no reason.
Seven minutes of text running across the screen at full speed passed by, forcing you to pause the TV. Over and over and over.
After that, we cut to Rider and Waver perched high above the park.
"This is ridiculous," Waver said as the camera took a close-up of his left eye, complete with a funny random sound effect. "Why is the action so slow and absurd? Why the plot has advanced so little in seven episodes of a twelve episodes long series? At this rate, they'll stop this before we can adapt the full story, much like the Negima OAD! And why do I sound like Chiwa Saito?"
Rider slapped his head while tilting his own back.
Down below, the Servants readied themselves. The animation took a sudden, sublime bump up as they grew superbly animated, the detail in their beautiful bodies overwhelming, as the wind blew around them dramatically.
"Prepare yourself, Saber!"
"I live for moments like this, Lancer!"
"Oh! It's so good, seeing a knight so devoted to ideals of chivalrous combat!"
"Actually, I meant I live for moments of high animation quality like this, but yes, I like fighting too! I LIKE SWORDS AND STUFF!" she made a semi-obscure pop culture reference that would fly over the Japanese public's heads before charging ahead. "EXCALIBAHCHUCKS, YO!"
And then, as they were about to collide in extreme, breath taking detail... the budget ran out again. The rest of the fight was shown in stick figures format.
But we'll fix it for the Blu Ray.
Unequally Fate Zero... as done by Studio Ghibli!
"I don't know..." Chibi Rin said, pouting very cutely. "We don't know you guys, and Father said we never should talk with men we don't know!"
"Oh, there's nothing to fear," Caster said with an affable smile. "I'm not a man, but a Servant, so it's all okay. Don't you want to have a ride on the Cthulhubus with us? It'll be fun, and I promise to get you back before it's time to go back home!"
As he said so, the kind Caster used his magical book to summon a huge, very goofy looking hideous creature from the pit that looked like a cross between a school bus and the devil's tentacled tapeworm. The children all cheered, save Rin, who sighed in a very down to earth way.
"YAY!" Kotone said. "Let's go, Rin-chan!"
And so, the children left with Caster and Uryuu-kun in a fantastic flight all over Fuyuki City, resulting in a gorgeously animated sequence with a blood pumping Hisaishi Joe theme. The children kept cheering and laughing along Caster and Uryuu-kun, until the by now iconic sequence ended with a quiet moment on top of the city' highest tower, with all of them overlooking the city, and the green horizon line beyond it.
"Back when I lived, this was such a beautiful world, full of green forests and mystical creatures that roamed free, like Tanuki, unicorns, and good lawyers," Caster mused melancholically. "It saddens me seeing how now the human race has destroyed the forests, polluted the seas and rivers. Will you please, as the guardians of the future, look over this world and heal it back when I'm not here anymore?"
"We promise!" the children said all at once, deeply moved by the warm words of Caster. Even Rin-chan.
Then Uryuu-kun asked, "But then, aren't we killing them, dude?"
Caster casually backhanded him.
Over at the Matou Manor, Sakura happily frolicked in the pit with her new friends the cuddly and merry worms. Grandpa Zouken watched over her with a kind smile on his wrinkled face. "Hu, hu, hu... It makes me so glad, seeing happiness being brought to another child..."
Kariya gave the camera a jaded look. "This shit is going to win an Oscar to Best Animated Movie, isn't it?"
Unequally Fate Zero... as done by M. Night Shaymalan!
Saber slowly turned back to Kiritsugu, then pointed at him, even slower. Command seals appeared on the back of her hand. And she said, "No. You cannot command me to destroy the Grail. Because the truth is... You are my Servant, Emiya Kiritsugu!"
"But that doesn't even make any sense," Kiritsugu said.
"It's the final surprise plot twist," Kotomine said, "It doesn't have to make sense as long as it's shocking."
Unequally Fate Zero... as done by Toei Animation!
Showdown! A Pulse Pounding Final Confrontation Against Caster!
Saber, Rider and Lancer stood together before Caster's giant monster.
"At last!" Saber cried through clenched teeth as she saw the monster destroying yet another cannon fodder war airship. "After twenty hundreds of Training from Hell chapters and those fillers buying shoes with Sola Ui, we are ready to take on that murderous beast! And then its master! And then the master of its master!"
"Indeed!" Lancer agreed. "I only can hope that training has produced the expected results!"
As Lancer says that, we see a sequence of flashback scenes taken from the last twenty chapters, because we still are catching up to the Light Novel and can't start the actual fight just yet. We have to kill time in the meanwhile.
Caster, for no good reason, appeared on top of the monster's head. "Ah ha ha ha! Fools! Even if you defeat my creature, you still cannot defeat me and my Book of Prelati! And even if you could, you still cannot defeat my Master, who is in yet another level! He has..." Dramatic music ensues, "... a knife!"
Rider gasped despite himself. "A knife! Curses! Even I didn't see this coming..."
"The knife is OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAND!" Caster cackled.
"... Man. That is so old," Rider disapproved.
"I don't care! Fighting Shonen! No cliché is ever clichéd enough!" Caster argued.
Two smaller monsters appeared at either side of the major one.
"What is this sorcery, now?" Lancer asked.
Saber smiled. "It is, naturally, the moment where you have to take on the villain's minor minions while I, being The Hero, take on the major threat by myself. Then we go against the power behind the power, you fall to him, and I get to finish him with my desperation last second Hot Blooded powerup."
"Wait a minute," Rider said. "I thought I was the hero?"
"No, you're the Ensemble Darkhorse, and he's the Yaoi Fangirl Bait," Saber pointed at Lancer. "I'm the generic character with her face on the most lunchboxes, so I'm the hero."
"But you're a woman. Women can't be the heroes in shonen anime!" Lancer argued.
"I'm more masculine than you!" Saber told him.
Lancer reeled at that, then looked away, sniffling. "Y-you... You don't have to keep pointing it out that harshly..."
"How about me? I'm the Hot Blooded one!" Rider said. "I bet I can make a Hot Blooded powerup better than you!"
Caster sighed, taking that time to start solving crosswords on his Book of Prelati. "Hey, guys. Five letters, supreme incarnation of evil?"
"Satan?" Rider asked.
"No, it starts with a 'M'..."
"Meyer!" Saber said.
Caster nodded. "Thank you. I had forgotten about Twilight. Anyway! You'll never stop uuuus!"
Saber looked at her companions. "That insane boast is the sign the episode is ending. Look, we don't have much time, so you just take on the two small ones while I have the big one, okay?"
Lancer sobbed his tears back. "Okay..."
Rider mumbled. "My agent will hear about this, I swear... CHAAAAAAARGE!"
"CAAAAAAAASSSSTEEEEERRR!" the other two shouted, and ran ahead, as the image froze in dramatic sepia tones, and the powerful music blared loudly.
Next week in Fate Zero: Unbelievable! Sola Ui's Further Adventures in Lingerie Buying!
Yes, we still need that catching up.
Clothes Make the Man.
Rito eyed the container dial Lala had been working on warily. "Oi, Lala. What's this?"
"Hmmm?" Lala hummed while going through her notes. "Ah, that's an alternate costume-maker I'm working on. It's actually finished, but lacking some tests!"
"Don't you already have Peke for that?" asked her fiance.
"Yeah, of course, but I'd never use a Peke for war purposes! That bio-suit is actually meant for usage by Dad's armed forces!"
"Bio... Y-You mean this thing is actually alive?-!" Rito yelped, stepping further back from the container and the black oozing form that moved within it.
"Ah-hah!" Lala brightly said. "I based it on fossils from some ancient life forms found in an old planet near our empire's outer limits! But rest assured, it's not anything like the Xenomorph eggs from last week..."
Rito was gulping and about to make a question on the wisdom of such a research when, with a loud cry of "Da-da!", Celine tackled him from behind and sent him crashing against the container.
Rito rose from the broken object covered by slimy, thick black goop, his eyes becoming huge and stark white, his mouth growing freakishly wide and armed with several rows of sharp teeth and a long drooling tongue. "BRAAAINSSSS! WE WANT BRAAAAIIINSSSS!"
Lala, without missing a beat, hummed, pulled a big chocolate bar out of a pocket, and tossed it into Rito's open mouth. As he devoured it eagerly, she said, "There! That should supply you with the Seratonin the symbiote suit needs and you only would find in humanoid brains otherwise."
After licking his lips clean, Rito asked, "So you're planning to equip your troops wearing these things with chocolate? How much would they need for a campaign?"
"Don't be silly, Rito. Too much chocolate is bad for the soldiers' health, and chocolate only can be found in Earth anyway!"
Rito followed that remark with a long, extremely uncomfortable silence.
Lala smiled innocently at him.
"Take this damn thing off me," he finally said. "I can hear it singing praises to evil in my head..."
"It's so good, to finally have someone who understands," Raven stoically said. "Others might call this my weakness, but you, a fellow true warrior, of course would understand this is, indeed, one of my strengths. With you, I don't need to fear being mocked, taunted or seen as a deviant, monster or freak of nature over this. And I want you to know, for that, I am thankful indeed. And I will always be, because I think I might be—"
Robin sighed as he sat next to her, trying to keep watching Pretty Pretty Pegasus in peace. "Raven, it's fine, I like the show a lot too, but... at the end of the day, it's still just a cartoon, okay?"
In the next room, Beast Boy wiggled his eyebrows while making that call. "Oh, Terra? Yeah, it's me, BB. I know it's been a long long time, but I was wondering... Geez, Terra, that isn't a very nice thing to say at all...!"
Starfire sat next to him with a blatantly stupefied expression. "But... But I don't get it! It's such a childish show...!"
"YOWCH! MY BUTT!" cried Beast Boy.
The camera opens up panning over the wrecked, smoking, shattered streets of Jump City, ravaged by what seems to be a brutal battle still in process, from what we hear coming off-camera. The already mentioned cries of anal pain from Beast Boy, plus blasts of cosmic and magical energy, random battle screams, explosions, and the always reliable sounds of bone cracking. When the camera finally pulls into the scene of the fight itself, it already has finished, and Robin and Cyborg are tying Slade to a lamppost as the other three Teen Titans stand behind, Beast Boy rubbing his own butt with a deep frown.
"Boy, that had to be the battle of the century!" Cyborg gushed. "I'm not saying this because I was in it, but it was awesome! I hope someone was recording it, because I'll always feel sorry for anyone who didn't see it!"
"Enough self-congratulating for now, Cyborg," Robin said, taking hold of Slade's mask. "It's time to finally solve this conundrum. Who are you, Slade?"
He pulled the mask, just to see... a Batman mask underneath it.
The other Titans gasped aloud.
"OMG, Fanon was right!" Beast Boy shrilled.
"Wait, " an unfazed Robin pulled Batman's mask off. There was a Darkseid mask under it. But Robin didn't stop, and kept on pulling mask after mask. Jim Carrey, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Larry the Cable Guy, Mad Mod, Spider-Man, Alfred E. Neuman, Terra, Elvis Presley, Lady Gaga, Wolverine...
Robin stopped a moment to catch his breath.
"Dude, " Beast Boy asked Slade. "Don't you ever chafe?"
"All the time, " Slade deadpanned.
Robin kept on pulling masks. Jinx, Brother Blood, Young Justice Robin, Superboy, Emiya Shirou, Saber, Doctor Octopus, Fidel Castro, Sailor Moon, an old guy with white hair and an eyepatch...
"Hey, ow, stop it! That's no mask!" the old guy with white hair and an eyepatch shouted.
Robin tugged on the face a few more times.
"I told you—!"
"I know, " Robin smiled. "I'm just doing it because I want to, now."
Beast Boy's jaw fell. "An old guy without an eye? You mean we've been bested for like years by a grandpa with impaired vision! Man, it can't be! Everyone will be mocking us until we're Justice Society-old ourselves!"
"The right terminology is 'senior citizen', I think, Beast Boy, " Starfire piped in.
Slade replied seriously. "Think whatever you want of my age, foolish youngster. It still didn't stop Terra from liking me."
"... dude, you aren't going there..." Cyborg said.
Slade laughed dryly. "Her kisses are very good, did you know that? No, of course you wouldn't..."
With gigantic wet eyes, Beast Boy turned around and ran away bawling.
"That, " Raven deadpanned, "is the worst and cruelest thing I've ever heard from someone."
"I kissed your father too, you know," Slade said. "Or rather, I was kissed by him, " he shuddered. "Very rough."
"Yes, he is," Raven said, to bewildered looks from Cyborg and Robin. Starfire was completely unfazed, though. "Don't ask, " Raven requested.
"Actually, I just erased it from my data banks, " Cyborg said.
Slade lifted his head in remembrance. "I took the battle name 'Slade' after my birth name branded my life into darkness and villainy forever..."
"What is your real name?" asked Robin.
"Deathstroke D. Terminator."
"Your mother actually named you 'Deathstroke'?-!" Cyborg gasped.
Slade thought of happier times, with his eye-patched and white haired mother looking after him as the white haired toddler played with a rattle, until he poked his own eye with the toy accidentally.
"Oh, son, I had hoped you'd avoid the family curse..." she sighed.
A single tear came to Slade's eye. "Yes."
"And your family is actually named 'the Terminators'?" Raven asked incredulously.
Robin was flipping through his Bat-Yellow Pages Book. "Actually, yeah, there are seven Terminator families in Jump City's directory. Five of them from Austria."
"And I'd have gotten away with my master plan, too!" Slade muttered.
"Finish it!" Starfire asked.
"... no. I'm not falling THAT low."
"Oh, come ooooon!" Starfire whined, pulling Beast Boy back into frame as he sighed and became a green Great Dane.
Slade sighed as well. "... if not for you meddling Titans and your sometimes-dog! Happy now?"
"Quite!" Starfire flashed a beautiful smile.
Raven began floating away. "Next time, I'm checking the script before signing for the episode..."
"That's another pathetic cliché finisher!" Slade protested.
The statistics say Tokyo is one of the safest cities to transit through in the whole world.
He was walking back from school late that evening, after fixing several urgent matters in his clubs, minding his own business like always, when a girl's voice in the darkness stopped him dead on his tracks. Almost literally.
He didn't recognize the voice, but he still felt compelled to answer, "Yes?" as he spun around to look at the girl standing several steps behind, in the darkness. She was around his age, maybe slightly older, with shortish brown hair. He would have said she was very pretty if not for the huge knife in her right hand, which rather pushed him into "HOLY SHIT!" territory.
"Makoto-kun!" the girl charged at him with the knife. "Prepare to die!"
"What the hell!" he gasped, spinning back on his heels to dodge the first lethal strike. Thank God he was the first in track and field practices, because otherwise she'd have stabbed him right through the chest. "Wh-What's this for!"
"Our child, Makoto-kun!" the girl wailed as she keep trying to stab him. "You left me pregnant, and now you had the galls to abandon me! Well, I won't let you be happy with Kotonoha-san! First I'll see you both dead!"
Then another knife flashed in the darkness, blocking the girl's as another girl, taller and bustier and with longer and darker hair, stood between her and Makoto with a just as deranged, spaced out look in her eyes. "Sekai-saaaaan!" she said. "My treacherous Makoto-kun is only mine to kill...!"
"Back off, Kotonoha-san! I'll only kill you after I kill him! Priorities are important!"
Yet another girl came closer, blinking several times. But he recognized this one. She was Jinnai Nanami, his longtime friend. "Nanami-chan!" he almost tossed himself her way to tackle out of harm's path. "Don't come any closer! They are insane!"
But the two girls had just paused and took a better, wide eyed look at him now he was under a streetlamp's light.
"Makoto-kun?" the one named Kotonoha asked.
They both walked closer to a flinching Makoto, who was bravely trying to shield Nanami with his own body, and took especially long and careful gazes at his face.
"Itou Makoto-kun?" Sekai asked.
"Mizuhara Makoto!" he barked.
The two girls lowered their knives.
"Um, well, this is awkward."
"Ay, yes. Sorry about all of that. It seems... we made a mistake."
"IT SEEMS?-!" he screamed.
They bowed for him.
"So sorry, Mizuhara-san!"
"Yes, sorry!" the other one said. "But anyone could have mistaken you! Ah, you could have been his twin. Are you available this weeke—"
"NO HE ISN'T!" Nanami growled, grabbing his arm tightly.
"Sorry, just asking. Good night."
"Yes, good night! See you later, um, somewhere!"
And they disappeared back into the night.
Makoto exhaled. "This is almost as bad as the time they mistook me for that Tenchi guy. Damn my generic face!" Then he looked at Nanami and sniffed. "By the way, Nanami, sorry about telling you this, but you smell kind of—"
She fixed her skirt while grumbling and blushing. "Excuse me, but I think I have to go for a knife. It seems those two weren't the only ones who made a mistake tonight..."
And Now, a Special Interlude to Answer a Question that has Plagued Mankind for Ages!
"Akamatsu-sensei, Kishimoto-sensei, who would win in a fight between Naruto and Negi?"
"Oh... Well, my God, you're really asking us THAT? Ah-ha-ha-I don't know... What do you say?"
"Well, Naruto would win the ramen eating competition, definitely, but Negi would win the popularity contest with the girls..."
"So... Next question?"
Just like That.
Suddenly, Haruhi sighed, without any prior warning whatsoever.
"Have you guys even felt, because I sure never had before, like you are just looking back at some project or thing you've been into, and then quickly you realize it's been kinda stupid and wasteful of your life's time and you kinda don't want to go on with it anymore?"
I looked up in mild alarm. "What do you mean?" I managed to ask before, along with everyone else, disapp
Top Ten Martial Arts Ranma Really, Really Should Have Been Shown Learning, No Joke.
10. Martial Arts Bowling.
9. Martial Arts Opera.
8. Martial Arts Cartooning.
7. Martial Arts Sleuthing.
6. Martial Arts Origami.
5. Martial Arts Computer Programming.
4. Martial Arts News Reporting.
3. Martial Arts Surfing.
2. Martial Arts Politics.
1. Martial Arts Stand Up Comedy.
Springs Ranma Should Never Have Fallen Into.
Spring of Drowned Cat.
The water's surface broke, and out peeked the head of a small furry animal.
As the Guide lamented in Mandarin and the panda stared on in mute amazement, the wet cat stared down at its reflection on the surface, then jumped out the spring, fur spiking itself in all directions. It began running around madly, as if it was trying to escape itself, before colliding against a tree head first and knocking itself out.
The panda looked down at the Guide. "Grnf?"
"And so, sadly, repeated exposure to his cursed form has left his mind in this permanent state!" Genma sniffed aloud as he patted the head of the crouching Ranma at his side, who was licking his own hands the way a cat would lick at its paws. "I trust that still won't affect the engagement, however, will it?" he asked hopefully.
The three sisters looked at each other.
"Aren't you the cat lover here?" Akane asked Nabiki.
"What? Me! All I said that time was cats were better than people! But that wasn't praise for cats, but scorn for people!"
"Well, it's decided!" Kasumi smiled pleasantly. "Since you'll be happier with Ranma than with any human husband, I'm sure this is actually a gift from the gods!"
"Oh, just screw you guys!" Nabiki yelled.
Spring of Half-Drowned Akane.
Akane scratched her chin. "Hm, well, yeah, I remember it now. We were very young, and we went on that vacation to China, and I stumbled and fell into some water... Dad was very nervous, but it turned out not only I was okay, but no one had ever drowned there before, although I didn't think that mattered at all then..."
She looked at the other Akane sitting right across the table.
"... but I suppose it did matter after all, right?"
"Right!" the other Akane growled.
Akane kept on looking at her face.
Ranma stared back.
There were perfectly identical light blushes.
Soun actually smiled. "This... This actually could work after all...!"
Absently, Akane and Ranma both punched his face at the exact same time.
Kuno twitched several times before regaining his breath and jumping straight for them, with wide open arms. "TWIIIIIIINS...!"
"OH, GO TO HELL!-!" a glorious Akane Double Punch ensued.
"I know, I know I should be punching you right now..." Akane's fist shook, "But I just can't hurt that face...!"
Then she tossed a bucket of warm water on Ranma's face before punching him.
"There, better, " she sighed in self-satisfaction.
Ryouga had it even far worse than in canon.
"So, it was like masturbation, right?" Nabiki curiously asked.
"No business of yours!" the Akanes grumbled while pulling their clothes back on. It was difficult to remember who had to close the door this time, with them being the same, so they hadn't fallen into the mutual blame game yet.
Spring of Drowned Pervert.
"This... This has to be karma! The work of a vengeful justice god...!" Soun bawled as he rested against Genma.
Genma cried back, supporting himself on his friend as well. "We never should have attempted to get rid of the Master! Fate always finds a way..."
They looked back at where the tiny bouncing form chased the three sisters around the table.
"On the other hand, " Genma said, "If we did it once, we can do it again."
"Right, " Soun nodded gravelly. "I'll go bring the rope, you fetch the Playboys and the liquor."
"AND MAKE HASTE!" Nabiki screamed.
After Kasumi's death, Father had gone from an occasionally pathetic neurotic wreck to completely pathetic neurotic and traumatized wreck. He never forgave himself, and he reduced himself to pretty much a lamenting shadow dragging his feet around the house. Nabiki, unlike Akane, never tried to talk him out of it or make him feel better. Nabiki had too many other, far better, things to do now.
Nabiki had to handle the money, something that had seemed so easy when Kasumi was the one doing it. After a lot of trial and error and error and error, she had badly learned her usual strategies of cutting corners on anything she thought others could cover for her to focus on what she wanted to buy just wouldn't work anymore. Even conning others only made her to more or less come even at the end of each month, until she got the trick of running a household.
That had been the easy part, because Nabiki was good with money.
Raising Akane was the difficult part.
Before, Nabiki had never seen much of an use on Akane. Unlike Kasumi and Dad and Mom, she couldn't do anything for Nabiki. More than once, she felt tempted to just do something about the complaining extra mouth to feed. Giving her for adoption, finding some distant relatives to dump her onto, dumping her at a side of the road during a vacation (this plan fell apart pretty quick when Nabiki realized they had no car and she couldn't drive anyway. And driving lessons costed money she didn't have. Yet). She even considered selling her to Kuno, but even Nabiki was not THAT evil.
It was difficult for Nabiki herself to pinpoint the time when she had actually kind of started caring about Akane. It was even harder for her to figure out WHY. Maybe it had been because of guilt, because Kasumi would have liked it that way. Maybe Nabiki just needed something to reaffirm herself as a human being, although that had to be a ridiculous idea. Maybe it was because Akane finally was starting to grow breasts, and thus Nabiki finally could sell pictures of her without too much fear of being jailed.
In any case, it had to be before Genma arrived, dragging that boy-girl ith himself, and all but forcing a marriage commitment on either of the girls. Soun had been, as expected, unable to do anything but babbling a feeble agreement and sobbing on how Kasumi would have been the perfect wife, because she had been such a good homemaker, and nice and kind, and warm and loving, and—
"I'll do it, " Nabiki spoke without any emotion to her voice, startling the boy-girl and Akane herself.
On the other hand, thinking back about it, odds were she hadn't done it to protect Akane, to save her from a life of marital unhappiness with a freak.
Maybe it had just been to finally prove she could be better than Kasumi.
Yes. That made far more sense.
It was Supposed to be MY Happy Ending! (Thanks to Darkenning for Writing the Punchline!)
"Shirou!" Saber cried joyfully as she ran through the flowery eternal fields of Avalon to his encounter.
"Saber!" Shirou responded with equal delight, going to meet her in embrace.
For a moment that lasted another eternity, they held each other under the perfect sun, and everything was good.
Then Rin casually walked to them. "Oh, hey Saber. Nice to meet you again. Don't you have a palace or castle anywhere around here?" she looked in all directions. "Don't tell me you've spent all this time just standing outdoors..."
"What? Rin!" Saber recognized her even now. "But, how-"
Sakura walked closer as well, folding her arms. A respectfully silent Rider close in tow. "Tch, Saber-san, do you think you are the only one with everlasting feelings for Sempai? We are just as protagonists as you are!"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Ilya stomped towards them, dragging heavy luggage behind herself. "Don't think that highly of yourself! I came this close to have my own route as well!"
Saber blinked very slowly. "What... How... Even Ilya-chan..."
"Well, yeah, you see," Taiga scratched her head, casually striding in too. "Shirou's heart needed a lot of mending, you know! And then, well, he started experimenting on how to summon you back, but he never got it back... By the way, I had my own route as well! Through all of your routes, so I take precedence! And even through Zero!"
"That wasn't a Route!" Rin screeched. "At no point that was a sequence of events with a serious narrative coherence!"
"Experimenting?" Saber asked, dazzled, as Shirou looked aside guiltily. "Shirou, how...?"
Another, shorter, bustier Saber in red walked to her, hands on her hips. "So! This is the famous king of the Bretons the Praetor attempted summoning when he invoked me! Oh, you truly are a exquisite looking female. I can see why he would be attracted to you. Although you seem to lack some feminine definition, much like-"
"FATHER!" Mordred, in a tiny top and Daisy Dukes, seethed as she pushed the other red Saber aside. "Finally, we are face to face again! And now, not only you will answer for what you did to me and our country, but to Shirou's heart as well!"
Arturia ignored her and looked at the other Saber. "... who is she supposed to be...?"
"Ah... Emperor Nero..." Shirou sheepishly said.
"FATHER! DON'T YOU DARE IGNORING ME!"
"Shirou," Arturia nailed terrifying shiny eyes on Shirou. "Exactly how many attempts on summoning you made through your life..." at that, Francis Drake, Jeanne D'Arc, Jack the Ripper, Atalanta, Semiramis, Frankenstein's Monster and Elisabeth Bathory raised hands, "... and why are they all attractive females?"
Shirou gulped. "Ahhhhh... Luck?"
"Aaaaaaahhhhhh! I didn't mean 'good luck'! No, wait, I didn't mean 'bad luck' either, don't you tooooooo-!"
Caren stayed behind watching with a fuming Issei and a sighing Ciel. Then she looked at them. "You...?"
"Look, I know I'm outmatched here too, but as long as Arcueid isn't around, it's still a step up in my book, fine?-!"
At that moment, Arcueid wandered past, holding a bag of popcorn. "Oh, hey, Ciel. Finally showed up, huh? Shiki and I are hanging out over there." She gestured vaguely.
"..." said Ciel.
Manganime's Flawless Guide to Romantic Success.
Step 1: Childish, Petty Belligerent Sexual Tension.
Step 2: ? (Most likely involving a Time Skip).
Step 3: MARITAL HAPPINESS!
Chronicle of an Announced Disaster.
MONDAY: Jor-El of the House of El registers in the Krypto-Tropes site. He is given an open arms welcome by the community.
TUESDAY: Jor-El opens thread 'Will Krypton Explode?' The oddly titled thread creates a lot of controversy from the start.
WEDNESDAY: Flame war between Jor-El and known troll Doomsday, culminated in heated retort "RAARRGHH RRRARRRGHH RARGH! RAWWWRRRGHHH!" from Doomsday. Doomsday and his sockpuppets Dr. Doomsday, Bizarro Doomsday, Day of Doom, Doomsday Rex, Doom's Day, Doomsbay, Boomsbay, Doomsday Forever and Spikey Charlie are all banned.
THURSDAY: Jor-El generates further controversy with his participation in the thread 'Is Hentai of the Guardians of the Universe acceptable?' Krypto Tropes moderator Fast Zoddie (With Zod Hat On!) settles the matter with a "It doesn't matter if they're seven hundred million years old, they're still short, so it's still pedocrap!", closes the thread and gives Jor-El a warning.
FRIDAY: Fast Zoddie (With Zod Hat On!) closes the 'Will Krypton Explode?' thread because of its negativity, bans Jor-El.
SATURDAY: Krypton explodes. Jor-El, Fast Zoddie (With Zod Hat On!) and billions of Kryptonians die. The Krypto Tropes site and its forums go out of service.
SUNDAY: Doomsday starts using the Green Lantern Corps board, asking for Guardians of the Universe porn.
If It's with You, It's Okay!
A girl with red hair in dual long pigtails giggled, dragging a brown haired boy with her across the park. "Oh, Mahiro-kun!"
Another girl with shorter, red hair and glasses walked down another path of the park, dragging a taller boy with thuggish blond hair. "Ah, Ichigo-kun...!"
Yet another girl, with light brown hair in long pigtails, was coming down a third path of the park, dragging a thin boy with spiky black hair with herself. "Ahhhh! Touma-kun...!"
They all coincided at the crossroads.
After a moment of looking at each other in a mixture of terror, shame and shock, they all promptly tossed their boys aside and pointed at each other.
"YOU! I'M ASKING YOU TO RENOUNCE YOUR CLUB CREDENTIALS!" they said at the same time.
Kuuko rasped uncomfortably. "I... I'm only doing it for Nyarko's sake..."
Chizuru coughed on her fist. "Well, yeah... I'm only doing it to make Orihime happy..."
Kuroko folded her arms and pouted. "Just going along with it for Mikoto-Oneesama..."
The three of them nodded.
"This never happened."
"Glad we agree."
The boys still rested with their faces in the dirt.
"So, uh..." Touma finally said, "Whoever is spreading those advices on how to conquer a hetero girl who won't answer to lesbian advances... What if we find that person and kill them?"
"Sounds good. I have a sword."
"Yeah. I have a fork."
"Trust me. It should suffice!"
The Name Game.
"Very well, " the small man with glasses entered the office and sat behind his desk, "sorry to be so late, but the traffic was horrible today. So, which one of you—"
"ME!" the small scrawny boy with glasses and black hair waved his arms. "Me! I came here first!"
"No, it was me!" said a Japanese teenager holding a gagged and hogtied tiny old man. "Please, I can't wait any longer for this!"
The elegant young blond woman sitting at the back of the office rasped awkwardly. "Actually, I am quite sure I arrived here first—"
The boys looked back at her.
"They named me SUSAN!" Mandark cried.
"He named me PANTYHOSE!" Taro yelled, shaking the wrinkled gnome around.
Luviagelita stared at them for a moment and conceded. "Very well. You need the name change more than me, I admit it..."
Harem Exchange Program.
Haiyore! Zetsubou Mahiro-kun.
That day, Chiri's shovel clashed against Mahiro's fork.
Reality reshaped itself from the shockwaves.
An aged up Negi groaned as he put on a black wig. "Stupid recycling of old character designs..."
"Eh," Naru shrugged as she secured her blond wig. "At least we still have jobs."
My Little Sister Can't be Juraian.
Kyosuke looked up from the script. "But she's seven hundred years old! How in the world she can be my little sister!"
Sasami lit herself another cigarette as she read from her own script. "No powers? No villains? No space travel? No fight scenes? Oniichan, you suck. Whatever happened to romantic comedies nowadays? Back in my day, we laughed at leads who were Ranma-level!"
The Deviluke of Zero.
In just a few months, Momo's scheming had the whole Academy snared into Louise's harem. Much to Louise's chagrin. Or so she claimed, although even Eleanor had come to begrudgingly approve. At the very least, it had granted her stupid sister ''status''! And even the Queen herself was visiting her every week...
Back at Earth, Saito sometimes found himself wondering about things he felt missing but couldn't quite explain as he moped the floors of the store he worked at...
Yohko looked down at the somewhat shorter girl in purple with the long dark ponytail, trying to restrain her frustration yet again. "For the last time, no, I'm not a demon, and I'm sure I don't have any amnesia!"
Elsie sheepishly pointed at the skull ornament on Yohko's red hair, so similar to her own and Haqua's. "B-But...!"
"I'm telling you it's a freaking coincidence!"
She looked at her newly arrived husband and blinked exaggeratedly. "... Goku? Why are you wearing your underwear over your pants?"
"Um, well, you see, everyone in Clark's social club does it, so I thought-"
"How many times I do have to tell you not to pick fights with the Americans? They don't even enjoy it as much as your friends here do!"
"- and so, as you can see, it's not something to be ashamed of at all! It's not a flaw! It's a symbol of status and pride!" the blue haired girl slammed a hand on her own flat chest.
Anya Cocolova sniffed loudly. "Oh... Thank you, thank you, Konata-sama!"
"Goku, now why are you wearing black leather? And what's with that horrible rusty hook and chain! And you stink of tobacco and cheap booze!"
"Ah, well, I get Clark doesn't actually enjoy fighting, but there was this friend of his named Lobo who really did, and he was friendly enough once we stopped punching each other, so I thought-"
"GO PUT ON SOMETHING DECENT BEFORE GOHAN COMES BACK!"
Chisame gasped and recoiled as soon as she walked in, and she saw Evangeline with her mouth on Kobato's neck, both of them in identical black Gothloli.
"Ah!" Kobato cried. "Onee-chan, I can explain-!"
The three dolls in Goth loli humping on each other at the corner paused for a moment.
"That's it, now we have to kill her," Chachazero said eagerly.
"Is the effort necessary? She doesn't seem to have even noticed us..." Suigintou asked indolently.
"Tsukiyo wouldn't like it..." Luna considered.
"Can't we kill her too, then?" Chachazero asked, just as eagerly.
Luna pushed her against the wall.
Saber walked in wearing a scandalous red dress with a see-through crotch showing white panties (actually a leotard, but not like Shirou could stop to check, being too busy trying to remain conscious and form coherent words to ask).
"I lost a bet. Don't ask," she miserably said. "Where's dinner?"
A second, shorter but bustier Saber skipped in after her, happily wearing Saber's usual blue armored dress. "Oh, I do really look good in anything...!"
Chichi stared at her husband, who stood sheepishly at the door in what seemed to be an one-piece swimsuit with a star spangled blue lower half, and a golden bustier on his chest.
"Okay," she said through clenched teeth, "There'd better be a very good explanation for this one..."
People is Gullible.
"Gas leaks!" Shirou said.
"CGI!" Negi said.
"Gas leaks!" Shirou insisted.
"CGI!" Negi insisted.
Rin tapped her foot before the mass of people she had hypnotized. "Next time, we agree on the bullshit excuse for the day before we go out, okay?"
Naive at Relationships.
"Why won't you kill me already?" the Joker taunted him.
"Why won't you?" Batman asked back.
"Well, it's not like I haven't tried time and time again..."
"Wait. Do you mean, this whole time, you haven't been actually holding back?"
"Huh, more often than not, nope. I mean, I'm obsessed with you and all, but-"
A truly wounded Batman snapped his neck.
"Before we duel," Gilgamesh seriously stated, "I'm contractually bound to explain the mechanics of Nasuverse magic for the mongrelship's benefit. And a king's word must be honored."
Aizen nodded. "Likewise, I'm similarly obliged by contract to explain the mechanics of my Bankai, my Zanpakatou, and my master plan to you, and that's the only law I won't break no matter what. Of course, odds are either I'll just be trolling you, or Kubo will retcon when he feels like it, but even so."
"I also have to explain how my Sharingan works, and how this showdown fits into my ridiculous schemes, before we begin," Itachi added.
They still are there, even today.
And ultimately, everyone died eventually.
"I came for a mongrel to take home," Gilgamesh told the dependant of the pet store, before looking up and down at her. "You should suffice."
Darkness Induced Audience Apathy.
"Uatu from the Decadent Habits universe," the supreme leader of the Multiversal Council of Uatus stood before him, regal and imposing. "You have been accused of slacking on your duties. How do you plead?"
"Meh. Who cares," that Uatu said. "I already know how everyone will end up anyway."
"I see," the leader said. "Uatu from the Berserker universe, how about you?"
"Who gives a shit?"
"Uatu from the Rebuild of Evangelion universe?"
That Uatu yawned. "Whatever. I'll have to keep watching reruns until GAINAX finally meets that damned deadline anyway."
"Uatu from the Teletubbies universe?"
"JUST KILL ME ALREADY, PLEASE!"
"I woke up today to have a perfectly normal morning, Creepy Pervert Priest, ask your mother, hilarity ensued, Negima is love, Insert Name Here sneezed, Shirou is dumb, Kuro is badass, Tomoyo is badass, we're filming a movie, I'm hearing voices in my head!"
"Perfect! Welcome to the 2814 Universe!"
"Oh?" the Psycho Pirate approached him warily. "What has you so perplexed, Master?"
The Anti-Monitor rubbed his nonexistent chin, deeply perplexed. "I was just checking my e-mail when I received this deluge of solicitudes to erase some 'Twilight' universe from existence. The Girl who Lived? Hogwarts Exposed? ChibiUsa's Seventh Birthday? Cupcakes? Johnny Test? My Immortal? Sonichu? Unequally Rational and Emotional? What in the name of anti-matter are those?"
Audition, Part 2.
"But I'm telling you, I am even quite capable of playing classics," Bane eloquently insisted. "The Tom Hardy incident was not a simple fluke, far from it! I studied dramatic arts under the best, graduating with honors! I can play subtle, and I definitely can play intelligent! Gail Simone said-"
"Just do the Venom thing already, okay?"
Sighing, he turned the juice on and his muscles inflated. "RRRRAAARRRRGHHHH! I'LL BREAK YOU!"
"You still have it! Hired!"
"Ha hah!" the strange orange-haired Saber boasted, standing firmly before Medea. "You can't submit me to your will, witch! No matter what your powers are, I have EX-Ranked magic resistance and cancellation! Use all spells you want on me! They all will fail! You're fail! FAIL!"
Caster held a coin before the Servant of the mismatched eyes and began moving it in very slow circles. "You are under my power... You are in a hypnotic trance... You are going to put on any highly fetishistic outfits I tell you to put on... Even waitress ones..."
"... Crap..." Asuna muttered, fascinated by the pretty shiny coin. "Jedi Mind Trick..."
Unfortunately for Saber, her mental endurance and intelligence were the lowest amongst the Servants. Even Berserker Heracles beat her regularly at chess…
What if Negi learned some forbidden magic?- (With help from Darkenning).
"And, as for this ..." Negi sheepishly held up his new tentacles, which were all coming out his body now. "This ... this is a spell I learned without even knowing what it was. I was just looking through the Merdiana Magus' private library, hoping to find something to make me stronger, and ... well, I found this spell, and I thought it'd grant me extra power, not extra -"
Asuna made a disgusted face. "Okay, I get it! Dispel them, now!"
Konoka, however, was already naked and pouncing on him. "Later, Asuna, LATER!"
What if Decadent Habits started a little differently?- (With help from Darkenning)
"You've had the practicum. Now for some theory," Arika continued. "Proper terminology is important. In this, you must be sure not to refer to this -" Again, she gently pressed a finger to the front of his boxers. "- as anything other than a cock. Not a penis, not a manhood, certainly not a hardness. It is a cock."
She stood up from where she had been leaning on the floor, and unhooking the sinches that had kept her borrowed skirt tight around the waist, so that it dropped to the floor around her bare feet. "And this," she said, displaying the nakedness that should have been covered by panties, "must be called a cunt. It is my cunt-"
Then the front door opened from the outside, and Negi walked in. "Ah, Mother, sorry to disturb you, but there is something I have wanted to ask you -"
He froze, seeing the compromising positions of his mother and Kotaro. Although Arika barely blinked with a cold expression, Kotaro had the whole of his blood rushing up to his face. "N-Negi!"
Negi blinked. "Uh, I think I should leave, shouldn't I? And perhaps only kill you after my mind has cooled down, Kotaro-kun. I mean, if I somehow still feel like killing you by then, perhaps it will be the best course of action. Actually, I have the impression that the only reason why I'm not going demon right now is because I still don't fully understand what's going on."
"I can explain," Arika calmly said, and not in the usual 'This isn't what it looks like' way.
Negi scratched the back of his neck frantically and tried looking aside. "Um, no, no, that's okay, I'll ask you later... frankly, I think I forgot what I came to ask anyway ... could you please cover your crotch again, mother?"
"Thank you, I - EEEEHHHH!" he said when he looked at her again.
"What? I am not married to the notion of truth."
"J-Just pull the skirt back down, please!"
What if Precia Testarossa got a clue?- (with help from Darkenning)
Fate stared, appalled, at the two figures in the bed. "But ... but why?" she managed to squeak out.
Precia blew a line of smoke from her cigarette before breaking into more coughs. She knew well aftersex smoking wouldn't do her already battered lungs any favors, but traditions had to be respected. Besides, she was batshit crazy. "Well, by checking footage of your battles and comparing your respective performances, I have realized she has a much better rate of success than you. Then I learned she had a strong attraction for you, so by helping me to revive Alicia, she gets to, ahem, tap three Testarossa asses, in vulgar terms." And she patted herself once on a bare buttock.
The slapping sound echoed into Fate's psyche far harder than Precia's whip on her own flesh ever had. She looked, horrified, at the strange girl who had plagued her pursuits for the latest few weeks. "And you ... you possibly couldn't be willing to agree with this."
Nanoha had started suckling on Precia's left breast as the woman caressed her scalp.
"I guess you could, at that." Fate mused weakly.
Sitting outside the chamber, Arf and Yuuno shook their heads.
"We aren't getting paid enough for this."
"No, definitely we aren't."
"I heard Akamatsu is looking for mascots for his next series. Maybe we should audition. Even if we flunk it, we could fit in as secondary human characters."
"It wouldn't fly. I have dog ears and a tail even in my human form."
"It's Akamatsu. Girls are always wearing animal ears with him!"
What if Negi actually found his father?- (with help from Darkenning)
Asuna gave them a mildly perplexed, but not really that shocked, look. "Oh ... so that's the real reason why you wanted to find him."
Negi huffed and puffed under Nagi's relentless carnal assault. "Asuuuuunaaaa ... it's not like thaaaaaat, things just happened, oohhhhh yeesssss ..."
Asuna sighed and began pulling her shorts down. "Fine, you can start explaining when your mouth stops being so busy."
"So busy with wha -?" Negi said seconds before her crotch covered his lips.
"Grail-sama!" Kuga Natsuki fell to her knees before the Grail. "I need help with my revenge! MY MOTHER IS DEEEEEEEAAAAAAD!"
"Grail," Batman said, appearing right behind the Grail. "Help me with my mission. MY PARENTS ARE DEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"
Natsuki and Batman then stared at each other's eyes in stunned silence.
The Grail sadly looked down at the huge kitchen knife he always gave away. "... Huh. What a pity. It'll go to waste..."
Fujino Shizuru picked it up, with evil eyes. "Oh, I wouldn't say that ..."
"WAAAHHHHH! Joker-kun, Joker-kun!" Grail-kun tossed itself at the Clown Prince's shoes, spilling its contents all across the room's floor. "Help me! People, half of whom aren't even Magi, won't stop staging Wars to ask me for wishes! It was amusing at first, but it's become so repetitive! It's Arturia and Emiya all the time, and people won't stop breaking the rules I established for them! Worst of it all, they never let me destroy the world...!"
"Ho ho, Grail-kun, what a stupid insect you are...!" Joker laughed, tossing a knife at the unholy cup's... feet, for lack of a better term. "Here! This Anti-Grail War Ultimate Tool of Destruction will fix all your problems!"
"... But how does it work?" Grail-kun asked.
Joker chuckled. "It's simple, really. Just use it on Nasu before he comes up with any more scenarios..."
NEXT EPISODE'S PREVIEW:
The Holy Grail War. Originally hosted at Fuyuki City, recently moved to the Mahora area. A bloody, tragical conflagration between chosen ones known as Masters, along their legendary Servants. Fighting each other to the death for the right to summon the sacred cup. Saber. Archer. Lancer. Rider. Berserker. Caster. Assassin. Vigilante. Ruler. Judge. Monster. Temptress. Destroyer. Hunter. Shield... Wait, what the fuck is it with all those bogus new classes? And where are Avenger, Magical Girl and Savior, anyway? Regardless, all those remarkable individuals will collide, and the streets of Mahora will run red with blo-
"Welcome to the Fifth Holy Grail Grand Prix!" a short haired thin girl in a PE uniform, with tight black short shorts, greeted the audience cheerfully. "I'm Kasuga Misora, your lovely hostess!"
"And I'm Kotomine Kirei, the Grand Prix's official supervisor in the name of the Holy Church," the tall and solemn priest standing next to her nodded. "Be welcome, all of you..."
END OF CHAPTER ONE.
What,were you guys expecting for a Taiga Dojo, too?
"YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, YOU BASSSSTAAAAAARRRRRRD!" Taiga roared as she fell from the ceiling on OM, boken at the ready…