Disclaimer: Mahou Sensei Negima, UQ Holder, Love Hina and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Akamatsu Ken, and the author of this humble piece has made no material profit from it, and never will do.
Fate Stay Night and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Type-Moon and Kinoko Nasu, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magicand all related characters and elements belong to Hasbro, and… oh, you get it by now.
Batman, Superman, the Teen Titans and all related characters and elements belong to DC Comics.
All other characters mentioned also belong to their respective copyright holders. We make no money out of them, either.
Any resemblance of anything in this story with anything in real life beyond "human beings have eyes and legs" is a simple coincidence.
WE INTERRUPT THIS SCHEDULED FANFIC'S NORMAL FORMAT TO BRING YOU A FILLER CHAPTER…
We open with a panoramic view of blue skies over Mahora Academy. As we zoom down closing on the main Academy building, we hear a dulcet voice briefly singing 'Unequally...'
Zoom through the Mahora campus, where we see Tsukuyomi at the end of an obviously long and grueling effort of cutting with the Hina blade through the neck of a statue of Mahora Founder Himeno Fumi, until the statue's head drops down on an unsuspecting Chamo.
Zoom in through a classroom window so we can see Kasuga Misora grumpily writing I WON'T IMPERSONATE PRIESTS IN THE CONFESSIONAL over and over. Then a school bell rings, and grinning, she bolts out the door running at full speed. After she leaps out, she lands on the head of a Katsuragi Keima sitting on a bench and playing a galge, and bounces away to keep running.
Meanwhile, over at power plant where Skuld is hanging a sign on a wall reading 3 DAYS WITHOUT A BLUE MARS CATASTROPHE, we see Negi carefully mixing potions of suspicious bubbling and smoking, until the exit horn blares, and he turns around and leaves, with the chemicals quickly spawning a twitching, hideously mutating Motsu and Shichimi.
At the mall, Chisame is flipping through a NET IDOL MONTHLY MAGAZINE- Soon To Be Rendered Completely Irrelevant By The Internet Itself! while her groceries for the day, along a stone-faced Chibi Setsuna, go through the Mahora Lexmarket scanner, with Chibi Setsuna being stuffed by dependant Hiraga Saito into a box along the groceries, then dropped into Chisame's shopping cart.
Over at the Mahora auditorium, Decopin Rocket is seen practicing, until Misa goes overboard with a guitar riff accompanied by exaggerated, obscene hip thrusts. As Mr. Producer from The Idolmaster frowns and shows her the exit, she moves out still in the same groove and still humping the air as she riffs.
A terrified Chisame rides on the back of Satomi's scooter through the campus, with a maniacally grinning Satomi driving madly, and the contents of the groceries bag, Chibi Setsuna included, spilling out everywhere as they go.
At the same time, Misora, now with Cocone on her back for some unknown reason, races between several characters standing along a sidewalk, including Takahata, Emiya Shirou, Mana, and a Sairenji Haruna holding a WILL CAMEO FOR FOOD sign.
As soon as Misora crosses a street, a ridiculously long limousine passes by, then goes through an overview shot of the campus showing cameos by most of the cast, and eventually stopping before the dormitory building. Negi gets out the limo, extending a hand to Ayaka and helping her out as well, before they both are almost ran over by Misora, then chased in by Hakase's Out Of Control scooter.
Inside, Negi, Ayaka, Chisame, Satomi, Misora, Cocone and Misa all rush into the couch before the TV. As soon as they sit down, an ominous presence rises from behind the couch, looming over Chisame with a penetrating shrill noise. Without looking back, Chisame casually backhands Matoi as the camera closes in on the TV screen.
The chapter starts.
The Real Reason Why…
"I've decided, " Akamatsu stood up, "to reveal the identity of the girl Negi will marry. I have settled for one at last. It's Baka Pi
Hence why we never were told.
Ai Yori Aoshi Abridged.
One day, Hanabishi Kaoru, average college student, found a very nicely shapely doormat on his doorstep (where else?) On closer inspection, he realized the doormat was actually his childhood friend, Sakuraba Aoi.
He ended up marrying it. It could cook really really well.
Then she realized, much to her horror and unending disgust, why she hated Scott Pilgrim so much.
We hate what we can't get.
Forbidden Blossomed Love.
As the bride and the groom left the church leaving no dry eye behind, Ayaka primly wiped the corner of her eyes with a white tissue.
"W-Well," she said, "Even if their love is forbidden and taboo by nature and society, I'm sure they'll still manage happiness! I'll lend all my help to make sure their children are healthy and—"
Chizuru gave her a mildly startled look. "Ayaka! Don't tell me you didn't know yet!"
"Knowing what?" the blonde asked.
"Natsumi-chan and Kotaro-kun aren't actual siblings!"
Ayaka looked at her with blatant stupor. "You mean... Bu-But even so, they were raised as if they were! When did they learn—?"
"Ayaka, they never were siblings at all. That's just something they kept up as their cover story for Kotaro-kun to live with us."
Ayaka's eyes grew obscenely huge.
"Why am I always to last one to be told of these things?"
"Um... I honestly don't know?"
"Is there anything else about those who are supposed to be my dear and close friends that no one has bothered to inform me about yet?"
"I don't know, either, " Chizuru thought, with a hand on a cheek. "Oh, I guess there's that thing where Hakase-san found some old blood samples of Chao-san and managed to figure her family tree out, but I thought they had told you—"
"— I guess not."
I Am Legend.
"Negi, " Asuna tensely said. "We finally found Tsukuyomi with the Cassiopeia she stole."
He grew alarmed. "Where? Has... Has she changed anything about history?" he grew frankly agitated. "Is there anything we need to fix so—"
Asuna scratched the back of her neck uneasily. "Well, Chao herself said it's... okay, sort of. That, while she did things that were... bad back there, she... kind of filled a hole in mankind's story, I don't know... Chao mentioned about it being necessary to leave that alone so there wouldn't be a paradox... She said no one will ever learn the truth anyway..."
"Where? When?" Negi kept on asking.
Asuna sighed. "Victorian London."
Tsukuyomi kept on smiling just as sweetly. "Who would have ever suspected a small girl in elegant clothes, right? I tell you, Sempai, I had more actual fun passing under my pursuers' noses without ever being noticed than committing the actual deeds! They only would say 'Oh dear, go back home with your mother', give me some pennies for candy, and send me on my way. I think I still have some, not that I can reach for them with these restrains on. But they're in my back pocket, right on my—"
Setsuna slapped Jack the Ripper.
It Had to Happen.
Popeye huffed, pulled his can of spinach out, and squeezed it with a mighty hand.
"That's it! I have had all I can stand I can't stands no more!" he declared, catching the overflowing geyser of squeezed out spinach in his open mouth, swallowing it loudly, and then unleashing the mother of all beatings on Bluto.
Several dozens of brutal punches after, he slammed Bluto against a brick wall that shattered on contact. But as Popeye paused, the bigger, bulkier sailor just smirked nastily...
... and pulled out an even bigger can of spinach. Squeezing it, he gulped its contents, then rammed ahead and unloaded the grandmother AND grandfather of all beatings upon Popeye.
Then he punched him into the next continent.
Buried head down into rocky ground, with only his legs sticking out, Popeye hummed to himself. "Hrrrmmm. Well blow me down! I hadta have guessed he'd thoughta it at sum' point!"
"There are three rules to follow with them, " the really old man with the funny-shaped head told Negi. "Never expose them to sunlight. Never get them wet. And most important of it all, never let them eat after midnight. Or else, they'll become jealous, posessive harpies who will chase you around and even might try to insert leeks up your ass."
Negi blinked, then looked down at the box he was holding, with four adorable Chibis inside; one with bells in her orange hair, one with short purple hair hiding her eyes, one with long black hair, and another one, with pale skin and black hair tied into a sidetail, who hung to the third one shyly.
Awww, they were so cute and charming. How could they even turn out bad...?
"Okay, so I screwed up! Sorry!" Negi cried as he ran for dear life along Anya and the still chibi Asuna still in her box, chased around by thirty savage Schoolgirls. "Don't worry, I'll think of a plan to get rid of them!"
"What about locking them up in a movie theater and making it explode with my fire magic?" Anya suggested.
"What? No!" Negi said. "They're still my—!"
He flinched for a moment before dislodging an onion leek from his ass. "On second thought, it might be worth a shot."
Puella Magi Betty and Veronica.
Sabrina Spellman kept on looking at the two gigantic Witches fighting each other over the devastated Riverdale for a few more moments, as Archie tried to hide behind her, muttering traumatized nonsense to himself.
"I can't believe it. Even NOW, they won't stop it..." Then she looked back at her black cat. "That's it, Salem. Last time you invite one of your Japanese friends without consulting me first. I warned you after the Gojira thing!"
Salem took his paws to his own chest. "Hey! He invites himself over!"
Kyubey looked oddly pleased as he looked at his work, moving his tail in precise circles. Ah, and they said current America's youth lacked the necessary spirit...
It had taken her far too long, despite her talent, to master the thirst. And even longer to dominate the sunlight weakness. She worked hard to stand crosses again, despite having no use for religion. She suffered to finally overcome the silver weakness. As much as she tried, she still couldn't defeat garlic, which had surprised her by being the most enduring weak point despite how ridiculous it sounded.
But that always could wait. She had plenty of time for it.
Right now, she was too busy congratulating herself on her newest achievement. She smiled at the beautiful young face on the mirror's surface. It had been so long, she had forgotten how she looked herself. She was liking it, getting reacquainted with her own face.
"Well, aren't you the prettiest, cutest little thing ever?"
And she, indeed, was.
I Think That Thing is Mine.
"Negi. I'm proud of all you have done with it, but... give my staff back."
"Eeehhhh?-! But, but you gave it to me back then, when—!"
"I gave it to you on loan until you had grown into a strong and proud man. Now you're a strong and proud man, so give me my staff already."
"I'm not even thirteen yet!"
"You've kissed twice as many girls as I had when I was twice your age! Don't give me that crap! Give me the staff instead!"
"No! It's mine now, and I'm not giving it back!"
"Oh, come on! You don't even need it to fly anymore, Mr. Fancy Look I can Fly like an Electric Super Saiyan Fairy!"
A pout. "Don't mock my looks again, please...!"
"Back in my time, we didn't need to look like long haired Pikachus to be cool heroes of millions! And broken as we were, we didn't have that ridiculous 'faster than lightning' crap either! We went at it like real men, slow enough to actually trade punches! Whoops, I just blitzed you! What kind of sissy-boy strategy is that?"
"Yeah, wail as much as you want, but only after I get my staff back!"
"What do you mean, you sealed your father back?-!" Asuna gasped aloud.
Negi looked aside. "It was an accident!"
The Great and Powerful Puella Magi.
After looking up at her eager, widely smiling face for a few moments, Kyubey turned around and began walking again.
No, on further examination, it would be an unproductive idea. My apologies over wasting your time.
Trixie's jaw fell, and then she crumbled down to pieces.
But Twilight would have owned her again anyway.
Like Father, Like Son.
Saotome Ranma had sworn never being like his father. He tried his best. He had really tried it.
The just-released Nagi stared blankly at the girl his son had just introduced to him. "... Saotome Haruna?"
"Yep!" she peppily said.
"... daughter of Saotome Ranma?"
"Uh, yeah! Why? Did you ever meet him...?"
But that guy was such a nice fellow, especially compared to the likes of his circle of 'friends' like Ryouga and Mousse, and they had just had such an incredible adventure together, and it seemed logical his dear little girl would be safe and nicely set with the son of that kind of great guy...
Plus, they had been drinking.
Slowly, eerily, Nodoka and Yue turned glowing red eyes at Haruna. She gulped aloud.
"SAOTOME RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!" a familiar yell in a nearly forgotten voice he'd never had expected to yell that came to him, as Nagi Springfield kicked a hole through his wall, startling Nabiki. "How come you never told our children about our agreement?-!"
He forced a smile. "Ah, Nagi! It's so nice to see you're still alive, after all! Well, you see, I decided we wouldn't have to force our children into anything, like I was forced into..." he ducked under the plate his wife tossed at his head then. "Damn it, I didn't mean to insult you! Nagi, the point is, I thought we'd better-"
Nagi's fist collided against his face.
"Okay," Ranma growled. "I was going to overlook the wall for the old times, but-!"
"Bring it on, Girly-Man!"
"- and that's why Grandpa Nagi and Grandpa Ranma fight all the time, and why Auntie Nodoka and Auntie Yue will often call me those names," Haruna told her children. "But they all dearly love you all the same...!"
Negi watched on, blankly, as all those Setsunas kept on crashing against the window, relentlessly and furiously, with angry squeaks of "OJOU-SAMA! OJOU-SAMA! OJOU-SAMA!"
"... these parodies are getting more and more desperate..." he mused.
No, Really, we Have to Settle This Somehow.
Demon Queen Homura stood before Giant Naked Angel of Death Ayanami.
"We really have to work this out, since it seems we have a definite conflict of interests," Homura stated coldly.
"I concur," Rei quietly replied.
"But first, put some pants on."
"I don't want to. I have transcended the limits of mankind's material needs. Besides, I can't find a store that sells my size."
Homura rubbed her chin. "Yes, I can see why would that be a problem..."
"Regardless, in the new unified world I want for Shinji, there's no place for a wicked, twisted being like you."
"In the new perfect world I want for Madoka, there's no place for an entity of destruction with no pants like you."
Kyubey softly rasped, as much as he could do in his current state, and then pointed over to where Madoka and Shinji had started making out during all of that.
Rei and Homura's eyes shone in red, and then everything exploded.
Much later, in the boundless void, they floated together, naked, sweaty, and smoking cigarettes.
Homura coughed and spat hers out. "Even being Ultimate Evil, I still can't understand how would people like this..."
"Maybe I should find a way to go back to my former size," Ayanami deadpanned, "Because this didn't do that much for me."
Madoka waved a fist in circles, happily. "Foursomes fix everything!"
Shinji floated with a vacant look in his eyes. "Can't run away, ever run away, ever..."
In Dog Years.
Natsumi had always imagined being half demon, even half demon animal, would grant you a longer, if not much longer, lifespan. That was the logical thing to assume, and it even was the way in fantasy stories, wasn't it?
So when Kotaro-kun started looking that much older that much faster than them, she chalked it up to many things. Some sort of abuse of time spent in Eva's resort, maybe. True, Negi-sensei wasn't being affected, but he was some kind of immortal now, and spent most of his current time away on diplomatic missions and stuff. Or maybe Kotaro had just abused those age changing pills, and this was some secondary effect. Either way, she saw fit to warn him to stop doing whatever was causing that, even if he looked so hot and legal now.
Then he told her.
It shocked her, how casual he could be about it. And he never stopping thinking about it that way, and she never could understand that. Even so, she kept on looking after him, even when he was old and gray and she still was young and healthy. But even at that point, when it should have been backwards, he kept on being the happy and careless one, and she was the melancholic and sad one. She never understood that either. And she'd have outright asked on him, but her indirects never were understood, and she always was afraid of hurting him if she asked directly on the subject.
Eventually, after he was gone, she married Negi, to everyone's surprise, even their own, actually. But she never could own any pets anymore.
She wondered, at times, if that was the way Evangeline sort of felt about them.
Tsukino Usagi raised her hand. "Moon Crystal Power... Make Up!"
A majestic glowing transformation of glorious nudity ensued.
"Honeyyyyy Flash!" Kisaragi Honey shouted.
A much juicier, bouncier majestic glowing transformation of even more glorious nudity ensued.
"Raising Heart, please?" Takamachi Nanoha asked.
A majestic glowing transformation of Loli nudity we can't officially praise or drool over here ensued.
"Thing Ring, do your thing!" young Benjamin Grimm slammed his fists together.
A not so expensive stock footage sequence of rocks piling up on his body ensued.
"Quick, old chum! To the Bat-Poles!" Bruce Wayne urged his young ward.
Moments later, they slid down the twin metal poles in full Batman and Robin regalia.
Usagi sniffed. "That... The last one was so brilliant!"
"I wish I had one like that!" Honey gushed.
"Simple and minimalistic, yet effective..." Akemi Homura nodded sparsely.
"Oooohhhh! Hugging a long, cold, hard object aaaaaaall the way dooooooown! Watanabe Poemi drooled.
Grimm mumbled, folded his arms and looked aside. "I don't see anyone swooning at how rock-hard I can get!"
The Governor's Wife.
No one had thought it'd make any sense. Much less that it'd ever work. Much less Asuna of all people. It had taken everyone by complete surprise, because who could have ever expected it?
Everyone, after all, would have thought of them as complete opposites. And there was the age difference too, even if no one in 3-A had much room to criticize on it, not that it'd ever stop them.
He was a warrior, but also a thinker. Often a cunning and underhanded one, despite his ultimately good intentions. From his days as a lovable child prodigy, he had done everything in his power to honor the sacrifices of Queen Arika, but in his own, often questionable, way. He had taken shortcuts to power, often through shady paths. Handsome and smooth as he was, all in all, looking back at it, he wouldn't be the kind of man parents would want for their young daughter. He was dangerous in more than one sense.
She was much more scatterbrained than he ever was, but no less focused in her own way. She was just as clever, but in a less realistic way. And yet, while he was all about projects and long term people goals, she was more cynical and disbelieving about people's potential, preferring to place her faith on the machine. They complemented each other. And in a way, Asuna supposed, they were pretty much alike, just... in radically different ways. Two sides of a coin.
Asuna watched how they came together once again, Hakase running to his strong arms, being hugged against his much taller and solid frame. He never was good with public displays of affection, but she could bring his rare moments of open romantic attachment.
Asuna half-smiled. Despite everything, that bizarre union had been for the best. For everyone's good.
The Queen clapped for her Governor and his wife. "Negiii! Satomi-chan! Stop sucking face and just come with me already! The ceremony's about to start!"
She had been the first one to be shocked when he confessed it that long ago, but she quickly, for once, had realized how similar after all they were. Young geniuses who were emotionally obtuse and stubbornly devoted to their fields of work. Driven to the point of obsession.
His obsession had been, after all, the sole thing moving him to accept the job after Godel stepped down. Godel knew he would be a better strong man for the country, and the country need that power to lead the efforts for the space elevator. And the intellect to guide the project along, which Satomi supplied.
Along the way, it had happened. It took a few pushes, often not too subtle, from Godel,Chachamaru and Asuna herself, of course. And Asuna knew it was as bittersweet for Chachamaru as it had been for her. But they had known they had to let him go. And Chisame was as much of a comfort for Chacha as... that unbearable person... was for Asuna.
She couldn't imagine things going any other way now.
The Pied Piper of Hamelin.
"That night, freed from the nightmare of the rats, the citizens of Hamelin slept more soundly than ever.'' Negi read aloud in English for the class to listen. "And when the strange sound of piping wafted through the streets at dawn, only the children heard it. Drawn as by magic, they hurried out of their homes. Again, the pied piper paced through the town, this time, it was children of all sizes that flocked at his heels to the sound of his strange piping."
"Ayaka?" Chizuru asked that night, even though she knew the reason all too well. "Why have you decided to learn how to play the flute, all of a sudden?"
She never dared telling anyone in the class about her true heritage until she had to punch the Lifemaker clear across Ostia.
"But..." Yuuna babbled once the first explanations were given, "but then, HOW in the world you got that scar...?"
Ako looked aside shyly and muttered something about someone named Luthor and a Kryptonite knife...
He never bedded C-Ko, despite her insistence.
Even he had to hold to some standards!
"Aku!" the valiant man with the blade showed up at the doors of the school. "I have come to slay you at last so I can-"
He then stared blankly at his fuku-clad ancient nemesis, who was being mounted piggy-back by an obnoxiously giggling blond girl while pulling on the cheeks of an attractive dark haired young woman, who was likewise doing the same thing to him.
"Oh. Jack," he said. "As you will see, I have rethought my life as of late..."
What if Ayaka's Brother had Lived?
"A child teacher!" she paced back and forth the room, chewing on her thumb. "What manner of idiocy is that? Who in their right mind could have come up with such a dumb idea? This is unheard of!"
Chizuru tried to placate her. "Now, now, he seemed to be quite polite and nice, didn't he? Give him a chance, Ayaka! I'm sure he won't be at all like—"
"Of course not! No one could possibly be as bratty and unbearable as my brother! But that doesn't mean young boys in general aren't terribly dumb and annoyingly helpless! You saw him, Chizuru, Natsumi-san! He couldn't even reach the blackboard! The other classes will laugh at us!"
Natsumi fidgeted around shyly. "I... I think he's very cute..." she shyly said.
"WHAT!" Ayaka cried.
Konoka blinked. "Well, I'm glad you're getting along so well with Negi-kun, Asuna-chan. But I'd have thought you'd be, I dunno, since he replaced Takahata-sensei, you'd be more—"
"No one the Iinchou dislikes so much can be bad at all!"
"— and then the hood came down, and it was my father's face!" Negi buried his own face in a hand and shook it sadly. "And then he vanished away, telling me to look for him and kill him... I've never felt worse in my whole life... except for that time when I had to seal Asuna-san away for one hundred years... and the Pactio with Kotaro... and that time with Anya, the potato peeler and the bag of fertilizer..."
Raven patted his back soothingly, pulling back before feeling tempted to touch more than necessary. "It happens. The key is coping through building a healthy and nice brick wall around the burning dark pain in your heart..."
"Chocolate also helps, " Ikari Shinji nodded.
Negi looked at him. "I thought your mother, robot or not, was still in the side of—"
Shinji waved a finger. "From where I come, there are no good sides, Springfield-san."
"His father's still the villain, " Raven waved the issue away. "He still counts."
Fate Testarossa fidgeted a bit on her chair. "Does, does it still count if you knew your mother was... in the morally questionable... side from the start?"
"She still tortured you, didn't she?" Raven asked.
"Did she ever run you through with a spell?" Negi asked, visibly interested, which freaked Shinji out greatly.
"It's valid if it's in a leg, isn't it?" Fate doubted.
"I'm the Joker's son. I think, " Anarky scratched his head under the ridiculous hat. "I never can keep up with what they have retconned or not at the time. As a matter of fact, I don't know if I still exist."
Tsukuyomi smiled at him. "Oh, you're so funny, Oniisama!"
Raven glared at her. "Are you sure you are the one from 2814? For that matter, you can't stay here if you are evil!"
"I'm not evil, I'm just murderously inclined!"
Arika peeked in. "I'd like to remind you my father is—"
"I'd like to remind you we don't accept Decadents here! Remember, NO EVIL!" Raven used her shadow tendrils to slam the door on Arika's face.
"That kind of was my mom, you know," Negi dryly said. Then he looked around. "So, when does Luke Skywalker show up?"
"Don't be silly," Raven told him. "Everyone knows Luke Skywalker isn't real."
"Oh," Negi sounded disappointed.
Buzz Lightyear huffed. "Well, they only ripped MY life story off for that, anyway!"
Haruna looked really disappointed.
"But... Technically, I had done it first...! With drawings, true, but that just gave it more merit...!"
What If Teen Titans Go! Cyborg had been in the Original Teen Titans Show?
"Blood!" Cyborg shouted, struggling against his restrains. "You never will make the Titans become criminals like you!"
"Me? Oh, no, Cyborg, that's where you are wrong..." Brother Blood said with pleased malice, pulling his hood back to reveal a partially mechanical face. "I want them to become like you."
After an open mouthed moment of shock, Cyborg smiled. "Well, why didn't you just say that from the start?"
Back to back, Robin, Starfire, Beast Boy and Raven were slowly surrounded by the Titans East.
Bumblebee, modified into a ceiling fan who rotated in place like a helicopter. Aqualad, made into a swimming pool pump, but still handsome. Mas and Menos, turned into a TV and computer, both playing the same videos for the new 'Teen Titans East GO!' series. Speedy, now a washing machine with a bow and arrow attached to it.
"I wish Cyborg were here now," Raven said.
"I don't," Robin said.
"Oh, I mean to hurt him. Badly."
Negima Personality Test.
Question 1- You are confronted with a shocking truth about your past and your family, shattering your prior conceptions about your whole life. What do you do?
A) Solve it off-panel with your never shown family.
B ) Make tons of wild takes and act like an idiot all day long until something else arises.
C) Wander around having long conversations on the subject with a crossover character, setting events in motion that might end up on having sex with them eventually.
D) Sulk, alienate your friends away, have sex with the most emotionally damaging person for you at the time.
E) Go beat some Gatekeepers Invaders.
F) Let Naruto solve it for you.
Question 2- You suspect the person you love the most might be more interested on someone else. What do you do?
A) Stall the issue indefinitely and never really get around to resolve it.
B ) Run around like a headless chicken.
C) Become the third wheel in their relationship, willingly submitting your will to theirs.
D) Let your spite towards that person ruin your own life and those of your friends and comrades.
E) See C, unless you are Yue. In that case, they'll just become the latest acqusitions to your harem. Despite your claims of not having one.
F) Forget them, because Naruto is far better anyway.
Question 3- You suspect someone might be out to ruin your life. Who's the first one you suspect?
A) That cloaked figure you saw once from afar.
B ) The Chupacabras.
C) The Joker.
D) Everyone else around you, so you'll show them up by acting passive agressive-agressive towards them (although in truth, it's just you sabotaging yourself, so you're only worsening it).
E) Sinestro, who no doubt has been plotting this for six years now.
F) Those damn Sasuke and Sakura. It's time to go mock and insult them.
Question Four- It's your father's birthday! What do you buy for him?
A) ... You just remembered you had a father, but you can't remember what did he like, where you have to send the gift, or how does he look, by the way.
B ) Your father is actually that annoying frog following you around, and he's satisfied with anything you give him.
C) Either D, or your father is a crossover character and you'll have to look up in Wikipedia to be sure what does he like best. Because damn, you haven't ever watched his series.
D) Have sex with him.
E) You ask your mother!
F) Forget your father, Naruto deserves your gifts and worship more.
Question Five- What do you want to be after you graduate?
A) Modest employee for a space elevator that won't be finished during your lifetime.
B ) A Bakemonogatari character.
C) Odds are you'll never graduate, since you've taken five years to reach Volume 7.
D) Drunk who dies alone and sad.
E) Power Ranger.
F) Naruto's Haremette 5,638.
Question Six- What is the Meaning of Life?
A) You are the protagonist of you own story, but that story will always be meaningless compared to Negi's.
B ) Chupa-Tees.
C) Your existence is just part of an endless cycle of reincarnations increasingly bizarre. But maybe next time you'll be born a Kryptonian!
D) Life is wonderful, but only until you randomly die after achieving little in the big scheme of things.
Question Seven- What do you expect from your children?
A) To be still alive by the time they could co-star in UQ Holder.
B ) To be extras in Madoka Magica The Movie.
C) To become Z-Senshi.
D) For them to be as good in bed as your parents were.
E) To live long enough to read the final chapter of 2814.
F) To be Naruto's sex slaves.
Okay, kids! Rank the majority of your answers with the options below to learn what kind of Negima character you are!
Majority of A- Manga denizen. You're dead by now, though, so it doesn't matter either way.
Majority of B- SHAFT denizen. You're a shame to the franchise and fail at being a Negima character. Go die in a well.
Majority of C- Unequally denizen. Are you sure you are a Negima character?
Majority of D- Decadent denizen. Castrate yourself immediately.
Majority of E- 2814 denizen. Everything will be fun and games until the Black Lanterns kill you horribly, but relax, there'll be five decades before that!
Majority of F- Chaos Mage denizen. BULLSHIT! If you were, you wouldn't have enough brains to have filled this test!
Evolution (YMMV!) of the Shinmeiryuu.
Phase 1 (Love Hina): Curvaceous, babelicious young woman.
Phase 2 (Negima): Modest, waiflike, very flat girl.
Phase 3 (UQ Holder): Ambiguous, androgynous skinny person.
Phase 4 (Unlikely to ever be shown): Himura Kenshin.
Phase 5 (Dream On): Ishikawa Goemon.
Phase 6 (Yeah, Right): Shinmeiryuu Gurren Lagann with Universe Splitting Sword.
Punisher Kills the Unequally Rational and Emotional Universe.
He was prepared. At last. His shadowy backers had given him all he needed to exterminate all the scumbag superpowered beings, mages, metahumans, aliens, time travelers, sliders and espers alike. One by one. And he would enjoy it, as much as his broken heart would allow him enjoy anything. They made life impossible hell for everyone else. They had taken his family in their pointless crossfire. Now they would pay. It was time for punishment.
He headed towards his door, loaded with the heavy weaponry needed for his first mark, and just as soon as he opened it, he heard a feminine whisper of "Dead Scream."
His torso and head blew in all directions, turned into fine mist, along with most of his hideout's front.
While the smoke slowly cleared down, the shapely woman in a modified miniskirted sailor fuku sighed. "I'm sorry. But I knew of your indomitable will. You wouldn't stop until you were dead or you had murdered the whole lot of us. And I couldn't allow you to succeed."
Akagi Ritsuko, also known as Sailor Pluto, then glanced towards the camera. "What? Were you really thinking I'd job that badly?"
Card Captor Evangeline.
Evangeline just stared at the card.
The card, after a moment of doubt, fluttered down into Evangeline's outstretched hand with what sounded like a weak whimper of fear.
She sighed. "Honestly, Clow, even dead, you can't stop being a bloody little annoyance..."
Kuromaru and Touta still were sparring by the time Yukihime returned to the camp from the town, holding several bags of supplies. "We're having a detour," she calmly announced. "I have been checking on a few old acquaintances, and I learned Naba Chizuru has died. Her body was stolen from the grave a week ago, two days after her burial."
Touta blinked. "Who was Naba Chizuru?"
Kuromaru looked at him. "Don't tell me you really don't know! She was one of Ala Alba's biggest political and financial supporters!"
"Oh, another friend of Grandpa!" the short haired boy slammed a fist on a palm, with a whimsically naive air about him. "Did you ever meet her—"
"Yes, I did, " Yukihime interrupted. "By now, it's only down to me, Yukihiro and Tatsumiya. And in a way, Kagurazaka and Lingshen too. Pick your things up and let's make haste. We're heading to Mahora right now."
"Mahora!" Touta whistled.
"Mahora?" a perplexed Kuromaru echoed. "But why? Since the incident of 2037, no one—"
"I know, " Yukihime replied. "That's why we're going there."
For decades now, Mahora had been a dead place. Very few plants grew there anymore, and animals in general tended to avoid the huge stretch of land. Only the gigantic tree in the middle of it all still stood healthy and majestic as ever. The rest of the academy was the creepiest place Touta had ever been at, and he could tell Kuromaru was highly uneasy there as well, despite his stoic facade.
Slipping in under the noses of the heavily armed guard posts around the academy's perimeter had been easy, and now the three headed deep into the deadly silent main building, led by a quiet and thoughtful Yukihime. She finally stopped before a door at the end of a hall, looking at it with a strange, fixed expression for a moment. Touta and Kuromaru paid closer attention, and they shuddered hearing a soft, polite voice coming from the inside. It was a small boy's voice, apparently giving a lecture in English.
Yukihime grunted and kicked the door open.
Touta followed her in quickly, and he gasped at what he saw inside. A short boy with dark red hair, wearing black shoes, a green suit and red tie, stood before a classroom of what at first seemed a collection of highly lifelike dolls. It was only moments later Touta and the swordsboy with him realized those figures in the seats were dead bodies, preserved through magic, as they had been in the moments of their deaths, or repaired in the cases of those who had suffered violent demises. Some of them looked very old. Others had obviously perished while still far too young. All of them, regardless of their age, had been clothed with school uniforms from more than fifty years ago. One of them was, from the photos in Touta's house, his own grandmother. Only five seats remained empty, with a small pale doll taking the only one not occupied by a dead body.
The small boy turned his neck around slowly, too slowly, to look at them with a vacant, wide smile. "Ah, welcome! Can we help y— Oh, Evangeline-san, it's you!" he realized after a few moments of staring stupidly at Yukihime's face. "But why are you breaking the dress cod—"
"Boya," she snarled. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"
"Ah? I don't know what are you talking about, Evangeline-san? Who are these two—"
"He's Touta. Remember Touta? Konoka's grandson!"
Touta gasped. "Uh, what?" Putting two and two together, he gasped again. "Wait, don't tell me he's—!"
His mentor growled. "Like myself, he's eternity trapped in a child's body. We believed he would age to some point. We were wrong."
The small boy looked puzzled. "Konoka's grandson? Oh, Mast— Evangeline-san, there must be a confusion here! Konoka's still only fifteen! But, if you two want to study at Mahora, you'll have to ask Headmaster..." his voice trailed off as Touta looked at his face, trying to find some similarities with that of the old man he knew, "... Konoe..."
Negi Springfield fell silent, turned around, and sat behind his desk, burying his face into his hands.
"Ayaka begged me to come, just like always. To talk you out of this, to make you react. I know it's folly, " Evangeline said, "But I cannot deny an old woman what might be her last—"
"Don't call her Ayaka!" Negi shouted. "You never called her anything but Iinchou!"
"Boya, I didn't help you fake your death just so you buried yourself into this coffin!" the blonde shouted. "What happened to walking ahead? To follow the light? To march towards the future—"
"THIS IS THE FUTURE!" the boy yelled back, standing back up violently and gesturing towards the dead bodies. "They all walked with me, and look at them now! LOOK WHERE I LED THEM!"
"Everyone dies! Everyone would have died eventually, whether you—!"
"No! You, best of everyone, should know not everyone dies! We don't! And God knows I tried! I even used the Ninth spell on myself! Nothing worked! Nothing took me with them, and nothing brought them back to me! Why didn't we share our gift with them when we could? We didn't, and it became our curse and theirs! All because of our grotesque, stupid arrogance and egoism, our—"
"They didn't want to!"
"They didn't know any better! That's why I was their teacher! To guide them! To make sure they learned about the rights and wrongs! But I only, I only made them waste their lives! How many of them ever married? How many of them had children of their own? I can count them with a hand! All of them devoted themselves to MY dreams! And look... look how much it did for them..." he cried, shaking his head to himself.
After several moments of silence, Yukihime said, "Your project is working fine now..."
"I can't care anymore."
"That's what most of these devoted their lives to. It wasn't just your dream, but theirs. Respect that, Boya."
"Please, " he begged, "If you aren't going to learn, just leave so we can continue our class. Go ahead, skip classes again, just like always. You always have been a problem child..."
"Don't act spoiled with me!" she slapped him, though he didn't react. "You never were this much a pathetic sod!"
"That would be, " Negi calmly said, "Because they lived then."
"Others live right now. And others will live after them, too."
"And I'm glad for them. I really am. But I won't stand seeing them dying, one after another, like I did with the— Sorry, but I don't have your heart of stone, Master."
More silence ensued.
"I have made him immortal," Yukihime said.
Negi said nothing, slumped down on himself.
"I'll keep bringing him when it's Ayaka's turn. And Mana's. And maybe, assuming you ever want to pull your head out of this graveyard, we'll go together to greet Asuna."
Negi only nodded, with a terribly sad but also grateful expression.
Yukihime nodded back, turned around, and began leading her travel companions out with her.
For a moment after the door closed behind them, they remained there, waiting, until the sobs of the small boy ceased and his voice picked up cheerily. "Now please open your books in Page Thirty Nine..."
"Boya was always too much of a perfectionist, that was his problem, " Yukihime said as they left the building behind. "He could leave no loose ends, and he couldn't be satisfied if he didn't help everyone, solve every problem, save all those under his care. He always had been able to function properly in society, masking his pain, but... last year, he finally broke down. That's why I had to leave him here. Reliving the happiest days of his life, before his life became everyone else's instead. In a sense, it's my own fault. Much like all other adults in his life, I encouraged him to keep following his dreams no matter what. And having dreams is fine, but when you do nothing but pursuing dreams, you end up living in a dream yourself. And then you never can wake up."
Touta only could nod, looking far more somber than he had been before.
"We must," Kuromaru philosophized, "learn how to cope and leave things and people behind, don't we? Or else, we, too, will become just like that. But by doing so, won't we eventually stop caring altogether? Won't we become distant monsters?"
"It depends on your viewpoint, I suppose," Evangeline shrugged. Then she lifted a hand, whispered a spell, and snow began falling over Mahora.
She smiled softly.
"Let me tell you about those Christmas we all spent together here. Indulging into the past is fine, as long as it's only every once in a while..."
"So," Touta said, "I don't know, if you were so close to all those girls—"
"I never said we were—!" Yukihime began.
"Yeah, yeah, well, if you were as close to them as you could be to any of us mortal insects, didn't you ever consider doing what you did for me for them?"
Misa begged from her deathbed, desperately.
"Please, Eva! Please! Make me immortal!"
Misora begged, wheezing, from her deathbed.
"Please, Evangeline-sama... Please... I don't want to die..."
Haruna begged from under the giant boulder that had fallen on her, coughing blood.
Chamo whined with his last gasps of breath.
"I beg you, Eva-sama...!"
"You must be joking."
Please, Evangeline-san... Yotsuba pleaded softly, her flame dying down slowly.
"Ah ha ha! You should have thought of this before telling me out in the Sports Festival, before everyone! Maybe you'll learn some respect in your next life, Fatso! And to think I used to respect you..."
Yukihime looked aside uneasily. "Well... You know how it is. They were too proud to even accept, much less ask for, my help..."
He answered to his ringing door, and saw a gigantic monstrosity of titanic proportions and mind-bending Lovecraftian design on his doorstep, drooling rancid fluids out of every mouth on each of its tentacles, squirming and oozing and shaking violently.
It said, in a voice that screamed of unearthly madness, "Doctor Strange! I have arrived for your body, mind and soul! Once you are obliterated, no one shall stand on my path of control over this miserable realm!"
The human gestured at his mailbox. "It would seem you are mistaken, Great Old Good Sir. I am Doctor Hugo Strange, psychiatrist. I'm also Batman. You wish for the body, mind and soul of Doctor Stephen Strange, surgeon and Sorcerer Supreme, who lives two blocks away from here, that way."
The aberration turned its myriad eyes the way the pink little creature was pointing towards, and rasped, "... ah. I stand corrected, then. Well, this is embarrassing. By the way, nice Batman costume."
"It's no 'Batman costume'. I am Batman!"
"Ohhh, suuuuure you are."
"No offense, but you are too short to be Batman."
"I'm not short!"
It chomped his upper half, leaving only his feet and crotch standing on a red pool.
"You are now."
Create Your Own Highly Successful Manganime Franchise!
Step One: Select your Male Lead.
A) Loud, gluttonous fighting-crazy idiot.
B ) Spineless, wimpy geek with glasses who attracts all the women. Like all spineless, wimpy geeks with glasses do.
C) Traumatized war giant robot pilot.
D) Amoral tough street punk and professional killer with a heart of gold.
E) Cocky idiot with no job wandering the land with pet battle monsters.
Step Two: Select Your Female Lead.
A) Loud, shrill, hysterical annoying Tsundere Loli.
B ) Sweet doormat expert at homemaking chores.
C) Flirty femme fatale with huge breasts and appetite for liquor who has never been kissed.
D) Nagging childhood friend with a broomstick up her ass.
E) Happy go lucky airhead with amazing magical powers.
(COROLLARY- You MUST make all the options you didn't select the rest of the Haremettes for your pratgonist).
Step Three: Select Your Setting.
A) Modern day Tokyo.
B ) Western Medieval Fantasy Kingdom where everyone uses Japanese honoriffics.
C) Dystopian Future Tokyo.
D) Outer Space Station.
E) Feudal Tokyo.
Step Four: Select Your Villain.
A) Mysterious towering hooded figure who stands in the shadows doing nothing.
B ) Psycho skinny ambiguous albino.
C) Evil talking crow on a perch.
D) Ancient evil Queen of Darkness with ridiculous hairdo.
E) Ugly, foreign drug lord with steady supply of henchmen willing to rape.
Step Five: Select Your Leads' Age.
Step Six: Select Your Leads' Parents.
A) Abusive compulsive drunk gamblers.
B ) Alien spies out in missions for the Emperor at all times.
C) Thinly veiled Expies from another property.
D) The heroes of your previous work.
E) Parents? What is that?
Step Seven: Select Your Mascot.
A) The male lead's twin guns.
B ) Wisecracking ferret addicted to crack.
C) Talking Furby from outer space.
D) Hastily redesigned Pokemon.
E) Perverted ferret addicted to cocaine.
Step Eight: Select Your Plot.
A) Wacky Races... IN SPACE!
B )Endless Sucession of Martial Arts Tournaments. The protagonist dies in the final fight.
C) Wacky heartwarming high school hijinx, full with charming, lovable and hilarious nonstop abuse and bullying.
D) Tentacle Monsters versus Faceless Ugly Fat Sweaty Men in Subway Trains.
E) Cheap knockoff of a John Woo movie stretched over five hundred chapters.
Mix and match these elements and voila! You have your own monster hit franchise in the making! Just remember to add generous nudity, but placed in ways that allow it to be completely censored for the anime adaptation! You are ready to go, Champ! Oh, no, wait, if you are reading this, you're a Gaijin, meaning your idea will never be picked up by Japan, and who wants to read Amerimanga anymore. Sorry for wasting your valuable time!
Tsunetsuki Matoi: Stalker for Hire.
Monday: It feels like I am opening my own chest and scooping my heart out with an ice-cream spoon, but finally gathered enough willpower to start with my business. I had promised Kuroko-chan, after all, and Itoshiki-sensei and Chisame-sama always stress the value of the given word. Mikoto-san's electro blasts sure sting a lot. Don't envy Kuroko-chan. But at least she can teleport out of the way...
Tuesday: Had to literally beat myself up and drag myself away to go work today. Got even more weird looks than usual. But I had promised Shiho-chan. Tate-san sure is a bore. That girl has terrible taste. Her rival is actually likable, though. Must resist urges to DEEP LOVE...
Wednesday: Pitching for Mizore-san today. Again, her guy is so boring, too. Only has eyes for that pink haired idiot Eva-sama talks so badly about. Why are pink haired girls so dumb? Even that Kanon moron and truant in TV. I think she studies in the class next door, but never attends. See, that's normal, Nami-san. Anyway, during the night, Dumb Boy and Pink Haired Idiot were attacked by werewolf who definitely isn't Kotaro-kun. Dumb Boy pulled the rosario from the idiot's neck, which somehow turned her into a massively hot werewolf-ass kicking machine. Really REALLY must fight urge to DEEP LOVE now...
Thursday: Kanon Idiot called, said she was on tour, needed help. For that amount of money, I'll call her Kanon-sama from now on. Target is easy to follow. Too absorbed in his own world. Galges are so stupid. Much better to follow the real things around. His little sister noticed me, though, kept pestering me with dumb questions. Later, she helped him swoon a sub teacher. He's a real dirty playboy under that indifferent facade...
Friday: Kodachi-sama called. Needed help with Haruna-san's older brother. Got into three way fight with Ramen delivery girl and tomboy Okonomiyaki cook. Kodachi-sama must lead a really tough life.
Saturday: I'm so sick of this. Don't know how much longer I can hold on. Worst thing is, Chisame-sama barely seems to notice my absences. Working for Matou-san today. Apparently in bed with bad case of really strange illness. Her brother said he'd take good care of her. Noticed weird woman with glasses around their home, but not my business. Also, some sort of shadow making the rounds around the place, but I scared it off. Mahora sure can get strange at times. Target hangs around with blonde and Tohsaka-san. Damn cheater. Attacked by arrogant blond guy later on, but at that moment my time was off, so I walked away.
Sunday: Finally had enough. Enough to buy Chisame-sama's birthday gift, I mean. Right in time, too. She seemed to like it. But turned out Negi-sensei had bought the same thing for her. Damn it.
Some idiots approached me asking me to take pictures of Asahina-san for them. I kicked them down the river...
Primal Over You.
Asuna blinked over what Negi had just whispered into her ear. "Uh. That was unexpected. But I guess you two are similar... in some ways. After all, you're both orphans... and very loyal... hard working, I guess... polite but can kick ass..."
"What do you suggest me to do?" Negi asked nervously.
She sighed and decided to go with what she thought would make him happier instead of her. "I think you should tell her."
It took a few months for him to be able to go back where she was, with all of his current duties, but now there they were. Fate-kun had been quite nice to arrange a meeting for them, after his initial long span of unreadable silence when Negi told him.
And then he told her too, and she was truly stunned.
"Why me?" she asked, genuinely surprised.
He tried to keep his sight away from her long, reptilian tail, hanging behind her so much like a dinosaur's. His cheeks flushed. "I... I think you are cute... In addition to be smart, brave, driven, and many many other excellent character traits!" he added very quickly. "But, but I know you have someone else you love, so I don't expect for a yes. I... I just felt I had to tell you, regardless..."
"Accept! Accept! Accept!" Koyomi and Shirabe whispered from the bushes where they hid, covering Shiori's mouth.
Tamaki stared in blunt, stone faced silence at Negi's nearly tearful face for several agonizingly long moments before smiling gently.
"We can give it a chance!" she finally said.
His heart soared.
He always preferred doing it with her beast form. It was not that Tamaki minded, and it was flattering, in a way, but sometimes, it made her wonder about him...
What If Rin and Sakura had been Adopted by the Springfields?
"You are to be a teacher in Japan," Sakura read aloud. "Oh dear, I'm not sure I can do that..."
"What's so difficult about it?" asked Rin, with a fist cocked on a hip. "That's nothing compared to what I got last year! I barely escaped that Grail War with my life! What did you get, Negi?"
Their little prodigy brother stared at his diploma. "Pilot for the Storm Foundation? I have no idea what's that supposed to be, but if the spirits say it..."
"Welcome back, Sakura!" Rin was waiting for them at the airport. "So, these are your students, right?"
"That's right, Rin. Please meet Matou Konoka, Kagurazaka Asuna, Hasegawa Chisame, Yseut Karin Orte, Ku Fei, Miyazaki Nodoka, Saotome Haruna, Ayase Yue and Nagase Kaede. Oh! Negi-kun! You came too! How are things going over at Richards-sensei's?"
"I'd prefer not talking about that here, " the tiny figure wrapped in a hat, tightly closed coat and dark glasses muttered, with a small but surprisingly rocky voice.
"Are you three sure about this?" Nekane asked, with obvious concern. "I mean, it's certainly a tempting artifact, no doubt about it, but the fact it was being kept so well hidden could mean it's dangerous to—"
"I want far bigger breasts!" Anya cried.
"I want all the panties in the world!" Chamo yelled.
"I want my father to be here with me, right now!" Negi said as loud as he could.
The old monkey paw trembled for a moment, and then three of its fingers closed themselves around the palm, just as Nekane and Anya felt sudden odd drafts under their skirts.
A moment later, Anya fell on her face pulled on by a weight that was too big for her, Chamo died smothered under a mountain of underwear, and the Lifemaker went on, unsealed, to ravage both worlds with no one being able to stop him.
On the other hand, enough of Nagi remained in him to take Negi off to the zoo and for ice-cream on Sundays. He even was nice enough to pay for Anya's breast reduction surgery...
We Are Legion.
Nekane woke up slowly. "Ah! Negi...! Negi, are you—?"
The small boy nodded rapidly. "I'm fine, Sister. These ladies saved me when one of the demons was about to— strike me down. They saved us..."
"Who—?" Nekane looked over to where, amidst the wreckage of the village, thirty one varied girls stood around them, with a large odd construction shapped like a metal bubble rested in the background. "Who are you?-?"
"Greetings!" a girl with black hair made into twin buns, and curious blush stickers on her face, told her. "We are the Legion of Superheroines from the 30th Century, and we have arrived to recruit the services of Negi Springfield, the fabled hero of this era-yo! We are Ghost Girl, Librarian Lass, Ape Ladette, Shotacon Siren, Gunslinger Gal, Mazoku Maiden, Cooking Cutie, Baka Supah Ninja, Karate Ku, Hitech Hacker, Delightful Droid, Vixen Vamp—"
Nekane, against her custom, interrupted her while looking down at herself. "Why do I have metal legs now?" she asked, eerily quiet.
"Ah, yes, that. You happened to lose yours during the demon attack. Sorry we couldn't arrive in time! I'm afraid Baka Pink punched the wrong time space location!"
"It was a difference of only minutes...!" a petite girl in pink spandex, with pink hair, whined.
"Ah..." Nekane mused, just as eerily distant.
"But don't worry!" the girl with the blush stickers told her. "We have replaced your legs with highly advanced prostetics that will grant you amazing superpowers!"
"— that's good to know. I guess."
After a long moment of silence, Negi said, "But, but I can't join any Legion of Superheroines! I'm a boy!"
"Oh, don't worry!" Shotacon Siren eagerly told him. "In the future, there are no other boys, so no one will object or get jealous!"
Nekane looked at her. "Wait, if there are no boys in your age, how can you be a Shota—"
Shotacon Siren bit her lower lip and sobbed. "Years and years of abstinence!" she lamented.
And so, the existence of the male gender in the 30th Century was reestablished. Unfortunately, Shotacon Siren abused this boon so much, sixty years later, they had to come back to the past, this time looking for one Konoe Touta...
"— and that was how, back then, Sasaki Makie, Melody Valentine, Pinkie Pie and Amy Wong saved the world for the first time. But my mere words can't truly honor how incredible it was..."
Negi sat there, facing the office, which was empty except for Asuna, Takahata (who was there for her as her tutor), Misora, Shakti (being Misora's legal guardian herself), Yuuna, Professor Akashi, Setsuna, Konoka and Eishun.
Finally, Akashi said, "I think no one else is going to come..."
"I, I don't get it!" Negi sputtered, "I mean, I get it in the cases of Evangeline, Sayo and Chachamaru, but everyone else should have at least one parent—!"
"The mothership failed to beam the parental drones into the planet due to cosmic anomalies, " Ayaka reported robotically. "This is bad. I repeat. This is bad. Our classmates and Springfield might come to realize our true nature. Our mission in this planet might be jeopardized."
"There is no time to abduct and condition a suitable number of Earthlings before the meeting's deadline," Akira added just as flatly. "What should we do, Squad Leader?"
"Abort mission," Nodoka said in the same lifeless tone. "We will retreat, change our appearances and denominations, and relocalize into the Nerima area. The academic authorities there are too deranged to follow the yearly local traditions of communication with paternal figures."
"Understood, " the other girls said at once, all making a stiff salute.
Yuuna shook her head and lowered her cellphone. "Nope, they aren't answering my calls either. None of them. Creepy, huh? So, shouldn't we start looking for them already?"
Evangeline threw the classroom's door open. "Hey! Has any of you seen Chachamaru today?-!"
Misora shuddered. "I've just had the weirdest feeling about all of this...!"
"Hey, Yukihime, you keep some very cool looking statues at this place, " Touta said, walking back from the backyard of UQ Holder's headquarters. "They almost look like they're alive!"
"Oh, those? They ARE alive. They are members of Kosmo Entelekheia I froze forever back when your grandfather was still only a brat."
She chuckled. "I used to keep them at the reception area for people to hang their coats and hats on them, but these wimps kept complaining they were creepy, can you believe it?"
"They also are good to hold broken doors until we get around to fix them, or to cover holes in the floors left after raids, or to hit new recruits on the head during initiation pranks, " Karin added.
"What initiation pra—" Touta asked right before having Quintum slammed down on his head from behind.
A Negima Christmas Story.
"I see..." Fate said slowly, once Negi explained the meaning of the date. "So that is why I always found coal near my bed every December the 25th..."
(Actually, it just was Dynamis trolling him).
Me, Myself and a Noticeable Lack of Irene.
"Not to revive probably traumatic and painful experiences of your looooooong time in hibernation, Asuna-chan, " Konoka asked, "But what did you see and do all that time? It was like more than one hundred years! Did it really feel that way?"
"Um, yeah. Pretty much."
"Oh! So no doubt you have returned much more experienced and wiser!" Negi said.
"In a way, yeah, I guess so. I spent all that time naked in a tropical beach with my Loli counterpart."
Chamo blinked, then walked for the door.
"Chamo-san?" Nodoka asked. "Where are you going?"
"There's still an Asuna-neesan in hibernation as we speak, right? I'm going to see if they can seal me up with her..."
In Trade We Trust.
"I don't know, " Twilight Sparkle doubted, "I never had heard about this way of using magic before..."
The white ermine clucked his tongue as soon as he was finished with the circle on the floor. "Tsk! Trust me, Horsey-neechan, that Elements of Harmony nonsense is last year's news! I'm convinced making Pactios is the way to go to save Equestria and boosting your magical power!" he vehemently declared, with puffs of steam blowing out his nose. "It always worked for my Bro, after all.."
"I'm not going to do it! Find another way!" Rarity insisted.
"Odds are you'll get a nifty new outfit, and something that will let you weave badass and spectacular combat clothes, or something like that..." the ermine offered.
"... and all I have to do is kissing Twilight?"
"RARITY!" the other unicorn yelled. A moment later, someone tapped on her shoulder from behind. "What?" she turned around, only to be soundly kissed by Pinkie Pie.
Chamo shrugged to himself. It still lacked something compared to human girls, but beggars couldn't be complainers...
In another world, at the same time, the Merdiana Dean blinked as a scroll appeared in mid-air before his eyes. After a moment of doubt, he grabbed it and read.
Dear Headmaster, today I learned a valuable lesson on not giving anyone Pactios they can later use to mindcontrol you while perforating your anal passage. Regardless, I continue having the utmost faith and trust on my students, but even so, I would like to ask you if you'd consider I have passed my test for now, and if you have any teaching vacancies at the Academy. Sincerely, your student, Negi Springfield.
He mused, "Would it have made much of a difference just sending me a projection letter?"
What if Karin had Replaced Chachamaru?
Negi looked at the stoic looking girl sitting near Evangeline, then stared at his class roster again. "Ah, excuse me, but I think there's been a mistake in your records. They seem to lack your family name..."
"Just Karin will suffice, " she told him, in a tone as flat as her expression.
"No last name?"
Then he looked at another student, then back at Karin. "But you are related to Kugimiya-san, aren't you?"
"No. I'm not."
"Why does everyone keep saying that?-!" Madoka complained. "Seriously, we don't look alike at all!"
Everyone stared at her then. ESPECIALLY Kakizaki and Shiina.
"No, I can't do it!" Negi cried at the last moment. "I can't harm one of my students! Recalling Sagitta Magica!"
But it was too late now, since the spell was hitting Karin right at that moment...
... except because, somehow, it was not, and instead it was hitting Negi himself. "UWAAAAAA!"
"NEGI!" Asuna screamed, then blinked, seeing how, despite everything, the spell had vaporized Karin's clothes into tiny shards falling around her bare feet. "Uhhhhh..."
Karin spoke. "Don't ask."
"Not going to. Actually, I'm just kind of glad someone else, for a change, is getting stripped around him..."
"... I'd prefer to be kissing Evangeline-sama, actually..." Karin hesitated, standing before him under the starry Mundus Magicus sky.
"He already kissed Eva-sama once, you know, at the resort, " Chamo pointed out.
Karin's eyes flared, and she started throttling Negi.
Chamo sighed. "Do I need pointing it out? Indirect kiss, indirect kiss!"
Karin stopped herself, blinked a few times, and then mashed her mouth against Negi's.
Touta watched Chachamaru happily playing with the children of Mikan's orphanage. "Huh. I was expecting for Yukihime's maid to be someone... more like Yukihime."
Mikan smiled. "Actually, from what Grandma told me, there once was someone like that in that job..."
The Ministra Centipede.
"Far... Far from me to doubt the wisdom of your enterprises, but how can sewing all your Ministra but us together into... that monstrous abomination help to save Mundus Magicus?"
Slowly, he turned around, with a bloody scalpel in a hand and bloody scissors in the other. "— all but you?"
The girls began screaming.
I have never been a fan of zombie movies. With few exceptions, I find the genre to be stale, flat, a victim of its own cliches and excesses. The old great classic terror of yore worked because it made us see the human within the beasts; from Count Dracula's hunger for a life and sensuality that never could be his anymore, to the tragic pathos and pain of Frankenstein's creature. The undead lack any of those traits. They are barely better than those corny animal horror movies the seventies swamped us with. They are cheap, emotionless creatures chasing just as shallow stereotypes, making up for their lack of charm and sophistication with sheer numbers to increase the forced sense of dread.
I am not a bigger fan now, but I have to admit, zombie outbreaks are one of the few things that are better in real life. As long as you are me.
I don't care how it started. I don't care if it ever can be cured or stopped. I don't have to care. This has been liberation for me. I have never felt as free before, acting the greatest role of my life, ironically, in a genre I used to despise. Despite some initial, brief actual terror when the Arkham alarms began sounding that night, and then when the Joker and the others bashed my door down, with dead hollow eyes and drooling mouths stinking of fresh death, my life started anew when they jumped on me and bit on me.
Only to find it did nothing.
Only they, after all, would be insane enough as to try and eat me.
I grinned, and fulfilled one of my dreams of years when I turned my right arm into an oversized axe and beheaded them, one by one.
I have been doing it ever since. It's a great life.
Some, the increasingly few I find with actual life every now and then, even call me a hero now. What a laugh! What a delightful irony! I don't try them convincing otherwise. After all, the flattery always feels good, and Waller and what little remains of the government pays me well for my services, as much as anyone can pay now, anyway. Only I can go where no one else can thread and escape. Well, and Robotman, true, but who cares about that pedestrian fool? Having to work with him is a torture, but everything else makes up for it.
I am Basil Karlo, in the best role of my life. That of an action hero. I usually prefer villains, but I can add touches of that here and there, as well. There's nothing more pleasant than killing a superhero, as you should know. And I get applauded for that! Peter Cushing? Hah! Bruce Campbell? Don't make me laugh! I get enough of that every night at the job.
When the world ended, my real life began.
Curse of Chuckyzero.
"Evangeline, we... we just have to tell you this. We've just learned serial killer Charles Lee Ray transferred his soul into Chachazero's body..."
"Oh, that explains why she's been so strangely well behaved lately..."
What Really Happened in the FINAL Movie.
Under the glowing skies, at the brink of disaster, the Mahora faculty watched on, perplexed, how Negi consumated Permanent Pactios with all his Ministra.
"What..." Takahata said. "When posterity asks us what happened here, when we are questioned on how this miracle was possible, when our testimony is needed... What could we possibly say?"
Konoemon laughed, or at least tried to. It had to be hard for him, with the way the sight of what Konoka was doing seeming to be jackhammering on him from the inside. "Why, we'll tell everyone they held their hands in a wide circle and wished for it to happen, Takamichi-kun. Because that's right what's happening, right...?"
Akashi-sensei had gone to weep against a tree.
Kotaro's nose twitched. "You know, all that's kinda gross."
Sister Shakti prayed in whispers as her hands firmly held Cocone's eyes closed.
"And this is why we never allowed a mage to have more than one Ministra, " Mitsuru was telling Seruhiko. "See?"
Touko tapped a foot on the grass. "Would you please hurry it up? We're on the edge of apocalypse here! You've been doing it for two hours already!"
Shakti's hands were getting tired.
Shizuna rubbed her legs together and chewed on her lower lip. "Maybe, maybe they'll need another Ministra for this...?" she shyly ventured.
There Must Be Something Horribly Bad With My Blood.
"Oh, so I'll have a grandson!" Konoka smiled widely as she read through the small tankoubon with UQ Holder written on the cover. "And he's so handsome, too! I wonder what kind of boy he is..."
As she read on, her smile faltered slowly.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE HUNG HERSELF?-!" Asuna screamed, hysterical. "HOW WILL WE TELL SETSUNA-SAN!"
Chisame read from the note she had left behind. "Here it says she had to do it before she had any children. I wonder why..."
Evangeline was reading the small tankoubon. "Meh. As if I ever could fall as low as this..."
Why, Japan, Why?
With a grimly serious face, Negi faced the class, stared at them with icy dead eyes, and finally exploded in a scream.
"WHY, YOU, EVIL, FIENDISH WHALE MURDERERS!" Lowering his voice, he added politely, "Except you, Evangeline-san, Zazie-san."
Eva nodded. "Good."
Negi then ran out of the classroom, bawling his eyes out.
The whole class turned to look at Asuna.
She tossed her hands up. "I swear I only left him to watch some Animal Planet unchecked!"
Your Time has Passed.
"Hey, Asuna. Have you tried a Google Image Search with your name lately?" Haruna asked her.
So she did.
And scrolled down.
And further down.
Asuna crunched the mouse in her hand. "DAMN YOU, SWORD ART ONLINE!"
Negi and Gretel.
Even in the then current Wales hillside, it wasn't uncommon to find Witches, renegade mage users isolated from society, living in the woods where a boy often would sneak alone to train himself, or to place himself in danger so his father could return from the grave to save him. So, after Negi vanished that night, Nekane was not terribly surprised when she found his tracks led her to a foul smelling shack in the wilderness.
The normally sweet young woman, without a hint of hesitation, wand at the ready, kicked the sole door down. Sure enough, Negi was naked and kept inside of a tight rusty cage, his face dirty with forcefed leftovers of the same animal canned food that littered the floor around the cage.
With a shrill, hideous scream, the still young but clearly unkempt and insane woman tried tackling Nekane, only waving her own wand as an afterthought. Such an attack costed her dearly, since Nekane, as soon as she entered, had started casting, and in a moment, an arrow of light pierced through the woman's eyesocket, exiting through the back of her skull.
Sighing, Nekane stepped past the twitching fallen body, freed Negi from his cage, hugged him tightly, and readied the amnesia spell. For a moment, she almost felt tempted to let him remember, just this once. That would at least keep him scared and out of the dangerous woods...
But then, hearing him weep, she told herself that, of course, couldn't be allowed to happen.
By the time Negi was sent to Merdiana, Nekane Springfield already had eradicated all Witches in the Council Area. Something not even the Holy Inquisition had managed.
She wasn't particularly proud of the fact, and somehow, she managed to keep it a secret from Negi until her death...
An Unequally Rational and Emotional 2014 Special.
"So, Hakase," Chisame said conversationally over the breakfast table she was sharing with Satomi, Negi and Chamo, "what's your big resolution for this new year?"
"Oh, I've decided I'll get back to work on our life story! It feels like I have been spinning in the same place for months now. Granted, it is a reasonable pleasant and gratifying moment in my life, but even so, my emotional development craves for a shift ahead in our lifestyles!"
Chisame blinked. "You realize there's nothing we can do about it, don't you? We're stuck in the same place until the author decides to write more."
"What?" Negi choked on his orange juice. "And, and, when will that happen?"
Chisame shrugged. "Who knows? But from what I've read online, it might not happen until someone named 'Akamatsu Ken' ends something called 'UQ Holder' and resumes something else called 'Mahou Sensei Negima'."
"Huh, that last title... sounds strangely familiar..." Chamo hummed.
They kept eating in thoughtful silence afterwards.
Then Chisame said, "I'm never reaching college, am I?"
Birds and Bees. But mostly, Birds. With very long beaks.
"Negi, it is time for you to learn from where do babies come," Takahata said, with a hand on his shoulder. "They are delivered by a magical stork."
Negi blinked, then said, "Really, Takamichi, I think you should consider me able to figure out by now that is a—"
"No, no, it's real! We are in a Shonen manga, after all! That means no one ever really gets to have sex, since most people never confesses to anyone else, the romantic tension is almost always completely unsolved, and even those who get to marry later part ways to spend their time very far from each other and their children. Under those circumstances, there is no other way the human race could have kept itself going until the present day."
Negi blinked again. "Oh. Oh, I see. Well... then please tell me how I could leave Konoka pregnant?"
Takahata shrugged. "Who knows? You're always breaking the rules of magic...!"
You're no Hachin.
On their way back from the orphanage, they saw a white ermine sitting near the train station.
Karin briefly stopped and told the small animal, "Why do you keep doing this, Chamomile-san? You know he'll never come back."
The ermine fairy made a slight sound with his tongue. "Just let an old guy enjoy his manias, Nee-chan. Hey, you got any cigarettes?"
Karin tossed him one. "Here."
"Thank you. Hey, who's the boy? And the..." he sniffed, "... ohhh, I was fooled for a moment. Anyway, he kinda reminds me of..."
"Ask Yukihime-sama. She's back, " Karin said dryly before starting to walk away.
Touta blinked, then followed her, Kuromaru in tow. "Hey, who's the—"
Sorry to Disappoint!
Negi Springfield, downtrodden, defeated, depressed, sits sunken into an old, smelly couch in a dark, dirty, dingy room, watching TV.
"— and in other anime news, this Winter season will see the debut of a brand new series adapting Mahou Sens—!"
Negi Springfield perks up, life flowing back into him, eyes sparkling with revived interest.
"— Mahou Sensou!" the TV has just said.
Negi Springfield, downtrodden, defeated, depressed, sinks back into his old, smelly couch in a dark, dirty, dingy room, watching TV.
Two Girls, One Cup.
"How did we come to this?" Fuuka asked.
"Well, " Fumika answered, "as I recall it, you were saying me this was a cool, nice and quiet place for a date, and—"
"I know that!" Fuuka grew exasperated. "Don't start blaming it on me! After all, how could I ever know—" and she angrily gestured towards the cup between them, on their table, "— THEY ONLY HAD ENOUGH FOR A SINGLE MORE CUP OF LATTE! The service here sucks! Haruna will pay for suggesting it to me!"
Fumika then gave the camera a side glance. "Hm? And what were you guys expecting?"
Book Before Jumping.
Hayate stared, bewildered, at the four figures standing before her wheelchair.
The pale black haired girl with the valiant posture and the sword rasped softly. "We are the Wolkenritter, guardians of the Book of Darkness, bound to it since a long gone era. This is Konoka-Ojou-sama, healer and mage..."
"Call me Kono-chan!"
"This is Evangeline-sama, Dark Knight of the Unending Night..."
"Oh, I get it, I'm here because I am the loli-looking one with the harsh temper, hah-hah-hah. Remind me killing my agent."
"Ahem. This is Kotaro, the Guardian Beast..."
"And I'm Setsuna, humble Knight of the Sword. From now on, we live to serve you. Well, technically, I live to serve Konoka-Ojou-sama, who in turn lives to serve you, but same difference..."
"Call me Kono-chan!"
Hayate blinked. "... okay..."
Naturally, Nanoha and Fate never stood a chance, but it was okay, because the Book of Darkness was Albireo, so he only was trying to troll everyone...
Next: Melty Blood Extreme Beach Voleyball! CIEL BOOBIES!