Zero Dark Garfield

Based on a True Story

It was sunny day of shining glory when Maya was looking for Osama Bin Laden. She had been looking for ages upon years and was no closer to the capture of her quarrying.

"It has been many months why have you not found Osama Bin Laden?" Asked Joseph Bradley with frustration.

"I am trying but it is hard. He hides from justice like moon hides from the sun." Maya responded with exasperation tears.

"You must keep on the hunt and be ready for the pounce, America needs you." Said Joseph Bradley as he walked out.

"Where are you Osama Bin Laden?!" Cried out Maya with fist raised to sky.

Maya traveled all over world to but was no closer to the villain. She traveled to lands of desert and sand like Pakistan and Afghanistan but it was no use. Full of exhaustion and depression she went back to room to sleep.

"It is no use I am useless." Said Maya as she cried herself to slumber tears. In her dreams of sleeping agony Osama Bin Laden was running from her but she could not capture. He was giggling like school girl and ducking in rabbit holes.

"Heehee you cannot catch me." Said Osama Bin Laden as he leaped into rabbit hole. Maya jumped in after him and stumbled into twisting tunnel of spiraling chaos. When sliding finally ended she found herself in room at last cornering Osama Bin Laden.

"Hoohooheehee." Said Osama Bin Laden as he split into 20 Osama Bin Ladens!

"Nooooo." Cried out Maya in panic. Maya could not tell which Osama Bin Laden was Osama Bin Laden and her body filled with distraught. Then with suddenness Orange figure filled with manly presence appeared and breathed fire on the Osama Bin Ladens burning them all to cinder. After Osama Bin Laden burning, the figure of mystery stared at Maya with eyes of fiery fury. After looking, the figure disappeared into sunset and Maya woke up in her room. She was covered with sweating and was trembling at power she had witnessed.

"Who was that awesome power and what could this mean?" Thought Maya to herself as she shook with amazement.

As Maya sat in thoughtfulness on her bed she heard phone ring with alarming.

"Hello this is Maya who is talking?" Asked Maya with questions as she answered the phone.

"This is Leon Panetta of the CIA we need you to come to CIA Headquarters right now for update." Answered the voice with authority.

"Ok sir I am on my way." Responded Maya with obedience.

Maya flew to Washington DC USA and walked into CIA building with anxiousness. She was full of nerves since for all of her searching she was no closer to the founding. Inside she went to the elevator and hit on the button for CIA Headquarters. When she arrived at CIA Headquarters Leon Panetta and Joseph Bradley were sitting at table awaiting reports.

"Well Ms. Maya what is your status, have you found the fiend?" Asked Leon Panetta with inquisition.

"Yes surely you must have succeeded after all this time only a total failure would have nothing." Scolded Joseph Bradley with jeering.

Maya looked down at her feet and tears fell from her eyes like drops of sadness from pools of regret.

"I AM A FAILURE." Cried out Maya as she collapsed on her knees.

"If top notch CIA agent Maya can not find Osama Bin Laden than all hope is truly lost." Said Leon Panetta with sad resignation.

Then in the hour of dire despair when all hope was gone to death and dust, a figure of awesome power burst through wall riding a Custom Harley Davidson Motorcycle and wearing cool poncho with lasagna insignia while Scorpions "Rock you like a Hurricane" played for all to hear. The figures eyes burned like searing orbs of roaring lasagna.

"GARFIELD?!" Cried out Leon Panetta and Joseph Bradley in unison.

Maya looked on in amazement wonder for it was the mysterious figure of her dreams.

"Who is this marvel man?" Thought Maya as she stared at him.

"I am here in country of America land of freedom yet I am hearing the whines of babies." Said Garfield with disgust.

"But we are lost of hope. Osama Bin Laden will never be found we have looked everywhere." Cried Joseph Bradley with whimpering.

"It is true it is impossible. I have looked world over with CIA expertise, no one can find him." Said Maya with doubting words.

"Fools. I will find this Osama Bin Laden and bring justice to him like justice has never been brought." Garfield roared with knowing.

"But you cannot you are not CIA super agent! Osama Bin Laden can be everywhere!" Protested Maya with defiance.

Garfield stepped off Motorcycle with his masculine feet and walked over to model globe in the corner with strut of cool confidence. Garfield spun the globe and then stopped it with one finger.

"OSAMA BIN LADEN IS THERE." Declared Garfield with his finger on the globe.

"Of course." Said Leon Panetta in awe of Garfield.

"Now that the prey is found it is time for the hunting to begin." Garfield said as he loaded his Desert Eagle for justice dispensing.

"Garfield wait you will need Seal Team Six." Cautioned Leon Panetta with wary words.

"This is my Seal Team Six." Garfield replied pointing to his toned abs.

Leon Panetta and Joseph Bradley nodded in agreement and examined with envy while Maya admired Garfield's toned body with careful inspection.

"Will you need anything Garfield? Entire treasury of the USA is at your disposal." Informed Leon Panetta with offers.

"I will need Bachelor Pad Villa and weekend's worth of lasagna and refreshments. Before I am finding deviants for destruction I am going to be having one hell of a bash." Garfield replied with righteousness.

"Sir this is most out of ordinary and can not be allowed!" Protested Maya in defiance.

"Very well Garfield it will be done." Agreed Leon Panetta with wisdom.

"That is more like it. Now if you are excusing me I have party to attend to," Garfield said as he began to walk out. Before Garfield left he turned to Maya and looked her up and down with approval. "Hey there my spicy spy. Why don't you come by later to see what life in the fast lane is all about." Garfield said with a wink.

"Why you..!" Gasped Maya with appalling.

"Think about it my CoveOps cutie." Garfield Replied with flirting as he handed Maya his address and walked out of room.

"Sir we our professionals we cannot allow this recklessness! This is against all rules!" Maya said with insistence.

"Garfield does not live by our rules. He follows a higher code." Leon Panetta informed with truth.

"A real man like that respects only the law of lasagna and steel." Said Joseph Bradley with humble respect of Garfield.

Maya shook her head in disbelief and left office in disgust.

"One day she will understand." Leon Panetta Said with wise words.

Maya was driving home in her car with angry steering. She could not believe the galling words that entered her ears that day. She was cool calm professional woman and had no patience for the manly boldness of Garfield. Although filled with the anger she could not stop thinking about his rugged manliness and was fascinated by him. She decided to go to his Bachelor Pad Villa and confront him with her thoughts.

"I must find what makes the man tick." Thought Maya as she drove with agility to Garfield's Bachelor Pad Villa.

On arrival at Garfield's Bachelor Pad Villa she saw sight of splendor. Cool music was playing as hot ladies in bikinis were all around sipping champagne and eating fine lasagna. All around were decorations of highest cost. Exotic Erotic Art and Palm trees were all around for mood making. In courtyard Maya saw Garfield lounging by poolside with hot sexy ladies all around. Garfield was smoking lasagna cigarette as sexy bikini ladies rubbed suntan oil on his shirtless body. Garfield saw Maya approach and interest peaked at sight of new sexy lady.

"Hey there my fiery fox I am glad to see you showed up." Garfield said with suaveness.

"Do not be getting your hopes up. I am only here for discussion." Responded Maya with rebuffing.

"Very well chicky baby, ask away." Garfield said as he snapped his fingers sending bikini babes away.

"Garfield I do not understand you. You are wasting time and money. How can you be living life up when you are soon to be fighting to the death?" Asked Maya with bafflement.

"To deliver punishment of pain one must experience pleasure of paradise." Garfield said with teaching words of the guru. Garfield's words exploded in Mayas mind with revelation. She looked at Garfield with more understanding but with even more perplexment.

"Are you angel or devil?" Maya asked of Garfield.

"Both." Garfield responded as he puffed lasagna cigarette. Maya's heart swelled with heat of passions as Garfield's bad boy charms got best of her."But you must not being stranger to pleasure, you sexy secret agent." Garfield said with seduction.

"Actually I am inexperienced in ways of love and romances. I have spent all of life finding Osama Bin Laden." Maya said with shy coyness.

"Well that must be changing this instance. Follow me my governmental girlie." Garfield said as he led Maya to his bedroom. Garfield's bedroom was surrounded by virility symbols and the fragrance of romances.

"Take me Garfield. Show me world of fleshy fun." Maya whispered with wanting as she let down her hair took off clothes revealing hot naked body.

"Your hair is red hot like lasagna and your skin is milky smooth like mozzarella cheese." Garfield said with approving as he examined fine female body.

"Feast on my body with your manly mouth." Maya moaned softly to Garfield with desire.

"First thing is first. Fine meal of filet mignon needs to be tenderized." Garfield said as he took Maya and put her on his lap and began spanking her.

"Spank me with your pleasure palms!" Maya cried out in ecstasy as Garfield spanked her with love and romance.

Garfield spanked her like black smith tempering metal with mighty blows of hammer crafting behind with sexiness leaving it red hot like molten metal.

"Now that tenderizing is done, time to dine in." Garfield said with sly smile as he began to lick Maya all over her body and supple white breasts which were like fresh baked cheese calzones.

"Garfield you make my body burn up with passion of intensity!" Maya said with satisfaction as Garfield's expert tongue explored Maya's body like slimy earthworm of pleasure traveling through moist underground tunnels. After body licking Garfield embraced Maya to deliver pleasure power to her with his mighty thighs.

"To time launch the patriot missiles." Garfield said as he bombarded her body penetrating her bunker with hellfire explosions. Garfield and Maya made powerful loving that thundered like explosion all into night and into morning. In morning Garfield and Maya lay in bed savoring moments before the conflict of battle. However Garfield knew no time was to be wasted and got up to prepare for his mission.

"Garfield you have made me seen world I had not known before. Please be careful I do not want to be losing you." Maya said with worry in her heart.

"Do not sweat your brow my spice rack. I have taken you to Heaven now I will send Osama Bin Laden to Hell." Garfield said with cool style as he loaded his Desert Eagle.

"You are one of a kind man." Maya said with swooning.

Garfield geared up for combat and readied himself. When he was ready he went to his helipad on roof to enter helicopter for transportation. The helicopter was all black except flaming lasagna logo with lightning bolt through it. Maya went up to see him off for good luck.

"Good luck Garfield, bring vengeance of blood to Osama Bin Laden." Said Maya waving handkerchief.

Garfield gave Maya a thumbs up as he took off. After some flying Garfield arrived at Osama Bin Laden's house.

"Party time." Garfield said with slickness as he jumped out of helicopter. Garfield walked to front door of Osama Bin Laden's house for raiding.

"Knock knock." Garfield said as he kicked open door with mighty foot. Terrorist scum was on other side but before he could react, Garfield grabbed his arm and twisted it like pretzel making terrorist point his own gun at himself."Stop shooting yourself." Said Garfield as he made terrorist shoot himself with own gun. After disposing of terrorist Garfield thought of clever idea for stealth. Garfield ripped off terrorist's head and stuck it on nozzle of his desert eagle for silencer surprise."This is what I am calling using your head." Said Garfield as he stuck head on Desert Eagle with the nozzle of gun pointing out of its mouth.

After head sticking, Garfield walked on in search of his foe. He saw two more terrorists and handled them like the man. Garfield whistled at terrorists for attention getting. "Hey fellows your friend has some words for you." Garfield said as he shot terrorists with head tipped Desert Eagle. "You are such motor mouth." said Garfield with cleverness as he patted head. There was no time for resting as soon 4 more terrorists came running to avenge fallen terror comrades. Garfield did not hesitate and knew what to do."Heads up." Said Garfield as he took off the head on his Desert Eagle and threw it at terrorists. The head landed near terrorists and exploded, blowing up terrorists with noggin napalm. "Don't blow your top." Garfield said as he strode on by to continue his searching. While searching compound Garfield found staircase that led to upstairs domain. Garfield walked up stairs with mighty feet and arrived on room where he came face to face with evil villainy.

"GARFIELD?!" Cried out Osama Bin Laden with sweating despair.

"Congratulations. You have won vacation to Hell and I am your tour guide." Garfield said with cool justice as he eyed villain with eyes.

"I do not think so Garfield. You will be eating my rubber!" Osama Bin Laden said as he hopped on his moped for getaway escape. Osama Bin Laden drove his moped out of window and onto winding mountain road for escaping.

"Run to your grave fool but you can not escape the reaper." Garfield said as he jumped out of window and landed on his Custom Harley Davidson Motorcycle for high speed chase. Garfield chased Osama Bin Laden up winding mountain path and stayed on him like tuna in a sandwich. The roaring of Engines were only matched by speed of intensity.

"Chase this." Said Osama Bin Laden pressed button on his Moped causing oil to spill out for slipping and sliding.

"Petty tricks do not shake my iron grip." Garfield said as he effortlessly drove through oil as if he was skating on warm milk. The fiery sparks of Garfield's wheels of steel caused oil to explode behind him blowing up road as he drove on.

High speed chase continued up spiraling mountainside path, road thinned to sliver and danger periled to new heights. Osama Bin Laden drove Moped with reckless speed but Garfield did not sway or swerve. On horizon Garfield saw his opportunity to end chasing once and for all. A tree was in distance and Osama Bin Laden was nearing it with Moped.

"Time to get to root of this problem." Said Garfield as he took out gilded of axe of steel and strength from his pockets. Garfield tossed axe at tree with bulls eye accuracy chopping tree trunk making tree fall on Osama Bin Laden with crushing purpose. "My bark is worse than my Bite." Garfield quipped as he looked on with satisfaction.

Garfield walked over to tree crushed Osama Bin Laden to finish what was started. He looked over and saw tree crushing Osama Bin Laden's legs trapping him to ground."Osama Bin Laden you are vile enemy to humanity. For this you will meet demise of pain." Garfield said with judgment as he looked on with disgust at vicious villain.

"Garfield you may have crushed my legs but my evil will walk forever." Osama Bin Laden spouted with vile nonsense.

"Fool. There are three certainties in life. Death, taxes, and my fist, now you will be experiencing two of these." Garfield said with exploding righteousness as he thrust fist into Osama Bin Laden's abdomen, impaling him on arm. Garfield then raised fist into air with impaled Osama Bin Laden raised to the sky, evil blood dripping from knuckles and down muscular arm like river of red molten lasagna. As impaled Osama Bin Laden was raised, two killer whales burst from ocean each biting end of Osama Bin Laden and tearing him in half, taking split corpse back with them to watery abyss.

"Enjoy your vacation in whales." Garfield quipped with coolness as he put lasagna cigarette in his mouth. As Garfield lit cigarette with his handgun lighter he saw figures coming up on horizon. It was Leon Panetta, Joseph Bradley and Maya on scene to congratulate him on victory!

"Garfield you have done it. You are true American hero." Said Leon Panetta with thanks.

"That was some wild driving, Garfield." Said Joseph Bradley with shock and awe.

"When riding the highway to hell and being chased by the devil on his four wheeled flaming motorcycle, you do not stop for red lights." Garfield responded with inciting wisdom.

"Garfield where is Osama Bin Laden's body, we need it for authentication." Leon Panetta asked with bureaucracy.

"You can look for it yourself but be sure to choose the right bait." Quipped Garfield as he tossed them fishing rod. "Now if you are excusing me I have my own fish to catch and the bait is no worm but sea serpent." Garfield said as he put arm around Maya.

"Oh Garfield you always know what to say to make lady feel special." Maya said with blushing.

As Garfield walked with Maya in arm he saw another figure in horizon approaching them. It was Kathryn Bigelow!

"Garfield I have been watching you with great awe and impressments. I must make movie out of your adventures so all can witness your manly wonder." Kathryn Bigelow proposed with good ideas.

"I am liking the way you think but first I think we should be making a different kind of movie at my place." Garfield said with a wink as he held camcorder.

"Garfield how can I resist my leading man." Kathryn Bigelow said with flirtations as she and Maya walked with Garfield to his Bachelor Pad Villa for making of love. Garfield took his leading ladies to his bedroom pleasure palace where he could show them what it means to be real star. Kathryn Bigelow showed Garfield her Golden Globes while Maya polished his Oscar, and the three made the passion of loving that ran through bedroom like river of champagne and ecstasy.

The End...?

Authors note: I wrote this for brave fighting men and women in military.