"So, Kurt, I guess what I'm trying to say is that….. um… that I know I've been a complete asshole to you for far too long, and that I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorrier than you'll ever know. And…. I mean… um… I guess I'm asking you to just consider forgiving me, because I miss you so much…"
Carson sighed, looking away from the mirror and referring to the notebook paper on the dresser in front of him, on which was written the sizable speech he had been carefully writing, editing, and rehearsing for the better part of a month. For as long as he had spent on it, he still couldn't understand why he had yet to get it perfect. He was a writer, he was used to using his words to paint the picture he wanted to convey. On paper, he thought his approach to asking Kurt's forgiveness sounded good. Maybe not great, exactly, but he'd get there eventually. In practice, however, it still came off sounding, well… stupid and not at all as sincere as he wanted it to be. There was just something decidedly off about it that he couldn't quite put his finger on.
"I guess what I'm asking you is to forget the fact that your brother is a piece of shit who doesn't even deserve forgiveness, much less your love," he finished lamely as he looked back into the mirror and glared at his own reflection, as had become his morning routine. And nightly routine. And the routine for whatever spare time he had at his disposal that wasn't already taken up by homework. He practiced his speech to Kurt whenever he could, but it seemed, frustratingly, that all the practice in the world was never going to be enough to get it right.
At least, he often reminded himself after yet another failed mirror rehearsal, his new found goal of winning Kurt back was a perfect distraction; something he desperately needed as of late, now that he didn't even have cigarettes or any sort of recreational drug to turn to in order to soothe and comfort himself after a hard day. He'd given up both as part of his quest to make himself as good for Kurt as he possibly could. The more time that went by, the more he absolutely ached to be with his brother again, but the painful sting of Kurt's rejection was a constant fear for him. The way he saw it, whatever small gesture he could do in order to prove to his twin that he was serious about this whole thing was bonus points toward having to fear it less. The most he allowed himself anymore was a little alcohol every now and then, and he carefully marked off every day he successfully didn't touch the other stuff on a small kitten themed calendar he kept on his bedroom wall. And it had not been an easy road to obtaining those success marks.
"Made it through yet another night," he said out loud to no one as he took the purple marker he had clipped to the calendar and used it to mark a large, bold X on the previous day's square. He'd accumulated a total of thirty-nine of them by now, each and every one of them filling him with a certain sense of accomplishment that made it seem as though the endless, stress-filled days he'd recently spent desperately craving a cigarette and having to make do with nicotine gum instead had actually paid off. He could do this. He was strong. He was determined. His desire to win Kurt back was stronger than any cigarette or joint or pill.
I am a tiger. Hear me roar.
…I'm a giant dork. Ignore me.
His little mini-high and mental celebration over his own success lasted only a moment before his eyes wandered to a date at the very end of the current month's set of squares. The square for February 27 was outlined heavily with a bold, blue marker, and "Showtime" was written carefully inside, in Carson's neatest handwriting. He swallowed as he stared at the date, standing out from the rest of the squares on the calendar as though it were deliberately taunting him. It was both the opening night of Kurt's drama club's performance of Rent, and the night that Carson planned to take the next step in Operation Win Back Kurt. He'd learned of the play via Facebook, where Kurt had posted it as an event and sent automatic invites to everyone on his friends list, including Carson. Carson had not officially accepted the invite with a "Going," but nevertheless, he fully planned to be there. Ideally, he would watch the play, find Kurt after it was over, and somehow, some way, work up the nerve to say….something. Maybe not the entire speech about love that he'd been endlessly practicing, but… something. He'd settle even for a simple "hello." The thought of seeing Kurt was what lit up every nerve in his body like a beacon when he glanced at the bolded date on the calendar that was now only a couple of days away.
Inevitably, however, as soon as he was finished playing out that happy scenario in his mind, it was almost immediately followed by darker, more troubling thoughts. It was one thing to think about the play's opening night as an abstract concept of something that he vaguely planned to do in the future. It was quite another to realize that it was coming closer and closer every passing moment, like a speeding train, and that he would actually have to put his plans into some sort of action. Thoughts such as, "But you kept pushing him away constantly, he'll do the same to you as payback," and "You're really going to ruin his special night by just showing up all in his face when he isn't expecting it? You douche," and "Have you forgotten that he already has a boyfriend who isn't you, and that Sebastian is most certainly going to be there too? And that Sebastian is actually a really huge fucking obstacle in the way of this happy little fantasy of yours, because Kurt isn't exactly going to want to up and leave him for your pathetic ass." swirled around in his brain like they were in a blender with no off switch.
Basically, even the simple act of glancing at February 27 on the calendar quickened his heartbeat and made him start breaking out into a sweat for several, vastly different reasons.
God, I could use a fucking cigarette right about now. Or, even better, a joint.
He settled for popping another piece of nicotine gum in his mouth as he carefully placed his notebook back in the drawer of his dresser and set about getting ready for school. It was going to be a very long day for him, and if he had any prayer of getting through it relatively intact, he'd have to quit worrying so much about his upcoming date with destiny. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen. Kurt would either want to see him or he wouldn't, and obsessing over it wasn't going to do him any good, so for the love of fuck, Carson, please just concentrate on the tasks at hand.
…Maybe I should bring extra gum along with me, just in case.
Somehow, by some mysterious miracle bestowed upon him by the fates, he managed to survive the next few days without breaking into too much of a cold sweat whenever he thought about what he planned to do. The sheer amount of homework he had to keep him busy helped a bit. He'd taken to doing every bit of available extra credit he could scrounge up, in the interest of both keeping himself distracted and bringing up the grades that had begun to slip during his time under the influence of Luke and his spontaneous school holidays.
I wish the day would just fucking get here and go already so that I could have it over with and know, one way or the other, where I stand with Kurt.
The morning of February 27 dawned cold and rainy, like most days in the city did. Carson silently thanked Mother Nature for at least not sending down snow to join the rain, but the gloomy weather did absolutely nothing to calm his nerves about the night's bold plans. He skipped his classes for the day, since he knew there was no way in hell he would ever be able to concentrate on anything anyway. Not to mention, if he was going to see Kurt that night, he'd want to make damn sure he looked his absolute best when he did it.
"Kurt, I know I've been an absolute nightmare and caused you so much grief," he muttered to himself, rehearsing his speech as he tried on outfit after outfit in front of his mirror and studied himself critically. "And I know that I don't deserve your love, or your forgiveness, but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry..."
He heaved a huge sigh as he looked at himself in the mirror. His reflection glared back at him, unamused, and Carson rolled his eyes as he unzipped the tenth hoodie he had tried on so far that day. He tossed it into the reject pile on his bed and undressed completely, deciding that what he really needed was a hot shower to clear his head a bit before he bothered with clothing decisions. He hopped into the shower and turned it on as hot as he could stand, letting the borderline scalding water rain down on him as he faced the wall and took deep, calming breaths.
It's fine. You're going to be fine.
It's just Kurt. He's not a monster, or an ogre, or an evil demon. He's your brother, your TWIN brother, and you loved each other, once upon a time. Not necessarily always in THAT way, but…
Ok, yeah, wrong train of thought, Carson.
He's your brother.
He might be a little miffed to see you on such an important night, but…
UUUUGH, no, wrong thoughts again, stop that.
Ok. Remember the way he looked in the store bathroom that day. Remember that? He missed you, he said. You missed him too. You missed him so badly that it hurt.
This is your second chance. This is your chance to do that over and tell him this time how much you miss him and that you're sorry and that you want to just erase everything and start all over again.
Baby steps. This is just a baby step. That's all it is. You're strong. You can do this.
You'll have your gum in your pockets, just in case.
He took a breath and let it out slowly, gathering his wits as he felt himself calm down just a little bit. He finished his shower, finally stepping out amidst a cloud of steam, and approached the bathroom mirror, wiping the steam off of it with one hand. Leaning close to it, he peered into it and studied his face with a critical eye. He decided that the slight day-old stubble on it could stay, since he knew Kurt did like men with stubble. He would have to use some makeup on that zit on the underside of his chin. And maybe the bags under his eyes, while he was at it. No visible blemishes anywhere else. Good.
He set about getting dried off and dressed, mentally going over his script as he finished that and started on drying and styling his hair and covering up his flaws with concealer.
Please forgive me, he whispered to himself as he took one, final look at himself in his full-length mirror after his routine was complete at last. Please at least let me say hello to you, pleeease.
A glance at the clock behind him in the mirror's reflection told him that he'd better start hauling ass if he wanted to get to the play in enough time to get a good seat. He wanted to sit as far back as possible so that he couldn't be recognized by either Kurt or Sebastian until after the play was over. By which time, he hoped, he'd finally be ready to face his twin for the first time in months.
Alright, he thought with as much confidence as he could muster as he made his way out to his car. Let's do this thing. I've got this.
The performance hall was already quite crowded by the time he got there, something which Carson was extremely grateful for, since he could slip right inside unnoticed by anyone after he had paid the girl out front for his ticket. He caught a glimpse of Sebastian sitting in the third row of seats and kept his head down as he practically sprinted for the very back row. Thankfully, Sebastian was too busy talking to the girl beside him to pay him any mind.
God, my stomach hurts like a bitch, Carson thought as he finally settled into a seat. His insides felt like a storm was going on in there, and his heartbeat began to quicken as it hit him, for the millionth time that day, that the day of reckoning had arrived and he had absolutely no idea how he was going to pull this off.
Maybe I should just leave now before I make a complete idiot of myself, he mused, looking around nervously. If Kurt never knows I'm here, he won't….
The opening of the curtain onstage and the dimming of the house lights put a stop to that train of thought, and Carson forgot all about leaving as Kurt was revealed to be standing on the stage, looking so adorable in the sweater and jeans that made up his Mark costume that Carson's heartbeat started quickening for entirely different reasons.
"December 24, 9 pm, Eastern Standard Time, from here on in I shoot without a script," Kurt began to sing, and Carson settled completely back into his seat. There wasn't any turning back now. He was in this for the long haul. Or, at least, until the end of the play. There was still always time to chicken out afterwards if he really had to.
Oh my god, I almost forgot how gorgeous he is, Carson thought adoringly as he watched Kurt's performance, absolutely mesmerized by every second that his twin was onstage. He wasn't even really following the plot of the play very much after a while, so busy was he focusing almost exclusively on Kurt and the graceful way he moved across the stage, as though it were a second home to him. He forgot he was watching a play at all until the final song had been sung and the cast were coming back out onstage one by one to take their bows amidst a thunderous applause from the audience.
Oh god, oh fucking hell, this is it, Carson thought nervously as he clapped along with the rest of his fellow audience members. I'm about to throw myself at Kurt's mercy. I am so not fucking ready for this. He saw Sebastian get out of his seat to give Kurt a standing ovation with an added whoop of approval. Show off. I could whoop too, if Kurt knew I was here. Or cared.
He doesn't know I'm here, so I can still back out. He can't care that I left if he never knew I was…
Uuuuugh, Carson, shut the fuck up. You've come this far, you can't start being a chicken shit now.
The curtain closed back around the bowing and waving cast, and the house lights came back up as people began vacating their seats and milling around, either mingling with one another in the aisles, making their way toward the exit doors, or otherwise headed for an area far off to the side that Carson could only assume led backstage. His theory was proven correct when he watched Sebastian head straight in that direction, and he took several more minutes to sit there in panic and let his nausea go down before he stood up and started walking, on shaky legs, toward where he knew his twin was waiting. Well, not waiting, exactly, but…
Ugh. Ok. Deep breath, Carson. Deeeeep breath, that's it.
He entered the same door he had seen Sebastian go through and took a moment to glance around, trying to make sense of the complicated maze of hallways that surrounded him. There were people walking this way and that in every direction, and he pondered whether it would be a good idea to stop one of them to ask where the dressing rooms or whatever were. They looked busy, though, so he decided against it and just kept walking, stopping every few feet to take a look around.
Eventually, he turned one corner to discover a giant crowd of people hanging out in a large gathering area, most of them holding red party cups as they talked animatedly amongst one another. Carson recognized some of them to be members of the cast, and he assumed everyone else was either family or friends. Thankfully, everyone was way too involved in their own conversations to even notice him. His eyes surveyed the room, and his heart stopped in his chest as they finally landed on a corner all the way across it, in which stood Kurt, his back to him. His twin was still in costume, holding a cup in one hand and excitedly conversing with a group of four or so people, including Sebastian. He looked so beautiful that Carson forgot how to move and just stood there staring, wondering if he really had the balls to go through with this. And, for that matter, when he would go through with this. He didn't want to just wander up to Kurt while all those other people were there, and especially not while Sebastian was standing right there. He was nervous enough as it is without adding an audience to his humiliation.
He waited for what seemed like hours, until Kurt's group finally broke up a little and Kurt headed for a table nearby, on which sat a pitcher of punch, several wine bottles, and plates of various refreshments. Carson paid no mind to where everyone else had gone, and barely cared where Sebastian had gone. All he knew was that Kurt was, relatively speaking, alone at the moment, and that if he was ever going to put this plan into action, it would have to be now.
The problem was, his feet absolutely refused to move.
Oh, Jesus, Carson, do not shit out on this now. Please, I'm begging you. You've come so fucking far, Kurt is literally RIGHT over there, alone. Go up to him and say hello. Tell him you saw the play. Tell him he was brilliant, and that you loved it.
Tell him you love HIM.
Despite his internal pep talk, Carson's feet still refused to budge. His nausea was returning full force now, and he was shaking so badly that he was surprised he was even able to stand at all. As much as he wanted to talk to Kurt, his own fear was paralyzing him so badly that the very thought of moving even a single step made him feel like he was going to die. The room suddenly felt very small and very hot, as though an invisible fire was closing in all around him.
He couldn't do this. He had to get out.
He turned and ran back the way he had come, searching desperately for any sort of exit door that could possibly get him out of the building faster. He passed by a large door on one side of the hallway that, after a quick assessment, did not seem to be connected to an alarm of any kind. Carson didn't exactly care where it led, just so long as it took him far away from Kurt before he passed out. He pushed the door open, thankfully finding himself stepping out onto a quiet street on the opposite side of the building from where he had entered earlier that evening, and leaned wearily against the brick wall, heaving huge breaths and willing his heartbeat to go back to something even slightly resembling normal.
So fucking much for that plan.
God, I'm such a failure.
The voice out of nowhere startled Carson, and he jumped as he turned to see Sebastian standing there, looking stoic as he fixed Carson with a stare that was mostly curious, mixed with equal parts of concerned and unimpressed.
"What are you doing here?" snapped Carson, hoping that the irritation in his voice would help mask how vulnerable he was feeling at the moment, even though he knew full well that Sebastian could probably read his face like a book. "How did you even know I was out here?"
Sebastian snorted. "It wasn't exactly hard to figure out where you'd gone after you flew out of the room like your ass was on fire. Plus, you didn't shut the door all the way behind you."
Carson glared at him, but the anxiety he was feeling must have been showing as clear as day, because Sebastian's next words, spoken in a slightly softer tone, were "Kurt didn't see you, if that's what you're worried about."
He breathed a sigh of relief, forgetting all about trying to be bitchy as he rubbed absentmindedly at his chest to calm his racing heart. "Good," he said in an almost-whisper.
"But," Sebastian continued, fixing him with a piercing stare, "I guess my question is, what are you doing here?"
Carson's glare returned as he locked eyes with the other boy. "I don't think that's any of your business."
Sebastian shook his head. "Actually, Carson, it sort of is my business."
"Why? Just because you're fucking Kurt, you're entitled to know every little thing?"
"No, because Kurt is my boyfriend and I love him, and I don't want to see him get hurt," replied Sebastian calmly but firmly. "And even you have to admit that whenever you pop into the picture, Kurt always seems to get hurt in some way."
"Well, you can get your dick out of a knot, because I wasn't exactly planning to hurt him," Carson snapped. I never PLAN to hurt him, it just sort of happens.
"Then what do you want from him?" asked Sebastian.
"I don't know!" shouted Carson angrily, a wave of nausea rolling through his stomach as his voice rose. "I don't…. I don't know," he repeated in a quieter voice as he sighed and banged his head softly against the hard brick behind him. "I guess I… I just wanted to see him. Talk to him," he continued, almost forgetting that Sebastian was even there as he spoke. "Tell him I miss him, shit like that." And tell him that I love him and would love for him to consider giving me another chance. Someday. Even though that's highly unlikely to happen, since he seems to be head over heels for you, for some ungodly reason.
Sebastian was silent for a moment, and Carson was suddenly embarrassed. He focused his eyes down on his shoes as he tried to quell the sick feeling in his stomach that refused to go away no matter how much he begged it.
"He misses you too, you know," Sebastian said at last, his voice cutting into Carson's concentration.
"A lot," confirmed Sebastian, his voice sounding tired and resigned, as though it pained him to tell Carson this. "He… he'd probably like to talk to you. You know, if you came back inside and everything." He punctuated his words with a casual sniff, as if to try to convince Carson that it was no big deal.
For a brief moment, Carson considered the possibility. He pictured himself following Sebastian back inside and finding Kurt again. He pictured going up to his twin, unable to say anything other than "I'm sorry," and Kurt reaching his arms out to pull him into a hug. The very idea made Carson's stomach feel slightly better, and he had almost made up his mind to give into it, when footsteps could suddenly be heard crossing the hallway through the still slightly ajar exit door.
"Bastian?" he heard Kurt's familiar voice call out, and Carson's stomach suddenly seized right back up, threatening him with the very real possibility of throwing up on the street if he didn't get out of there instantly.
"Bas, baby, where'd you go?" called Kurt, coming ever closer to the door.
"I'm out here, Kurt," Sebastian replied, and Carson fixed him with a panicked glare as he hastily tried to make up his mind what to do.
Oh god oh god oh god oh god….
Kurt's footsteps were getting even closer, and Carson stomped his foot in frustration as he made what he felt deep in his soul was the wrong decision.
"Please don't tell him I was here," he whispered frantically to Sebastian as he started to back away. "Please." He turned and sprinted, making it around the corner and pressing himself up against the wall just as he heard Kurt push the exit door on the other side all the way open.
"There you are," he heard his twin say to Sebastian. "What are you doing out here? It's freezing."
"I… there was a cat out here," Sebastian replied, and Carson let out a huge, relieved sigh as he realized that the other boy would, at the very least, do him this one favor. "I was trying to pet it."
Kurt laughed, the sound music to Carson's ears after going so very long without hearing it. "You're such a dork," he said affectionately. "And I love you, but come on, get back inside before you freeze to death." Carson held his breath until he heard the door slam shut as Kurt and Sebastian headed back inside the building. Then he abandoned all pretense of being strong, slumping down against the wall and hugging his knees to his chest as he let a few teardrops fall from his eyes.
I'm sorry, Kurt. I tried.
Next time. I promise, next time I won't back down.
I just…. I just need some more time.
And my gum. I need my fucking gum.
Oddly, Carson didn't feel nearly as discouraged as he should have after his failed attempt to reach out to Kurt. On the contrary, he actually came out of the experience feeling more determined than ever to succeed. It just hadn't been the right time, he reasoned. That was all. He just needed more time to regroup, think things over, and come up with a better plan of action. It wouldn't have been right to approach Kurt on such an important night, anyway. No, it would be better to do it on just a regular day, when his twin's mind wasn't preoccupied with other things. He'd just have to wait a little bit longer.
So he waited. And waited. And kept waiting some more. He spent great chunks of his time rehearsing his new and improved speech, revising it over and over again until he felt like it adequately conveyed how sorry he was. Well… as well as it could convey such a thing, anyway. Carson didn't really think that any amount of words could ever really do that big of a job, but he was going to give it a try.
"Kurt," he would begin, "I know things haven't exactly been wonderful between us for a long time, but I hope you can at least listen to what I have to say." Here, he planned to wait and see if Kurt was going to give him the time of day or tell him to get lost. He didn't want to entertain the idea of the latter, but if, hopefully, the former happened, he planned to continue. "See, I'm a very fucked up person. I just am. I'm fucked up, and I'm an asshole, and I'm well aware of that. And I know that's the reason why we've had so many problems. Honestly, I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see me again after this, but I just really want to let you know how sorry I am. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorrier than you will ever know. I'm sorry for the Youtube video, I'm sorry for all the drugs and the men and all the times I forced you to worry too much about me because I wasn't worrying enough about myself. I've been trying to stop that stuff, for the most part. Most of all, I'm sorry that I ever treated you like you don't matter to me, because you do. You're my brother, and I love you in all ways, and I'm so sorry that I spent so long trying to make you believe the opposite. I'm sorry I never listened to you when you asked over and over again if we could put everything behind us and start over. I was an idiot. The truth is, I know on some level that you're better off without me, and I guess I accept that, even if it breaks my heart, because that's the punishment I deserve. But…. I still hope that maybe, someday, you can forgive me enough to let me back into your life a little bit. And maybe, someday a very long time from now, maybe…. If we're both available and stuff, maybe…. Maybe we could try to get back what we had so long ago? I know that's a shot in the dark. I understand that, and I'm not asking for that right this second, but… maybe someday? But for now, all I really want is my brother back. I miss you so much that it hurts, and I just want you in my life again. If you'll have me."
Granted, it was a little long winded, and Carson somewhat doubted his ability to get through it all without either forgetting some of it or else having a complete nervous breakdown and throwing up all over his shoes. Or worse, Kurt's. But at least he had something to work with.
And who knew? Maybe some crazy twist of fate would happen and Kurt would go for it.
I doubt it, but if I don't try, I'll never forgive myself.
He bided his time until several weeks later, when he woke up one weekday morning to a rare, sunshine filled sky outside and not a drop of rain in sight. It was still cold as fuck, of course, but even so, the lack of rain seemed like a sign. This was it. This was the day.
This time, he didn't even allow himself to dwell on the possibility of a cold and bitter rejection, because he knew it wouldn't do him a damn bit of good, and, in fact, would only hinder him. He pushed those thoughts aside and performed his morning routine, going over everything he knew about Kurt's school schedule as he primped himself. He knew, from previous Facebook and Twitter posts, that Kurt would definitely have at least one class today. He always checked in to the school's drama department at the same time every week, like clockwork, which Carson normally would have regarded as a dangerous thing to do, but at the moment, he was grateful to have that bit of knowledge on his side. As far as he could work out, his plan of action would have to be hanging out somewhere outside Kurt's classroom and wait for him to come out. And then… well. Carson had no idea what he was going to do after that, but at least he had his speech to fall back on.
He checked and double checked his appearance, took some anti-nausea medicine just in case, patted his pocket to make sure his nicotine gum was in there, and took a huge breath before stepping out of his apartment and making his way toward his car (which, it occurred to him as he started the engine, he'd even washed recently, so even it was oddly prepared for this impromptu Take Two of his big plan).
Thankfully, once he arrived he had very little trouble remembering the way toward Kurt's drama classroom. He found a spot on a nearby bench and carefully sat down, trying not to wrinkle or muss his clothes up too much. He knew that was probably a really stupid thing to worry about, since he was just wearing his usual jeans and a hoodie, but he supposed his nerves needed something to obsess over. He had a hard time believing that he was even trying this again so soon.
I swear to god, Carson, if you wimp out this time, the next thing to go is going to be the alcohol. None for you anymore, you won't even deserve that much.
He continued to sit and wait, periodically checking his watch and calculating how many more minutes until he was reasonably sure Kurt would be finished. Thirty more minutes. Twenty. Ten. The knots in his stomach grew increasingly larger as he started to have second thoughts all over again, but he refused to budge. He was doing this, come hell or high water, and nothing on earth was going to stop him.
Any second now.
At long last, the large double doors to the classroom were pushed open and students started pouring out, scattering in different directions as they each headed for wherever they needed to be next. Carson swallowed and searched the crowd for his twin, finally spotting him among the very last students exiting the classroom. The sight of him alone took Carson's breath away. He was dressed in black pants and a white dress shirt with a grey vest thrown over it, one of the outfits Carson had always loved best on him. His hair was impeccably styled into his signature swoosh, and he was somehow slightly paler than usual, which gave the impression that he was some sort of ethereal being among the mere mortals that surrounded him.
He was perfect and gorgeous, and Carson was nervous as fuck, but there was no way in hell he was backing down this time.
He hopped off the bench and boldly strode toward Kurt, every fiber of his being screaming at him the entire time to run away. He ignored the urge, placing himself right in Kurt's path and sticking his hands nervously in his pockets as his twin walked up to him with an expression of utter shock on his beautiful face.
"Carson?" he said quietly, his eyes wide and uncertain, as if he thought that maybe Carson was a mirage.
Carson swallowed. "Hi, Kurt," he said apprehensively, suddenly very aware that he'd just stepped into the middle of a fire and the only way out of it was to proceed with his plan. "You, um… you… look great," he stammered, trying to make the casual small talk sound as nonchalant as possible to break the ice.
"Thank you," Kurt replied, still looking as if he were trying to figure out the catch. "I… what are you doing here?" he asked, his brows furrowing in confusion.
Carson's heart started beating so hard and fast that he was legitimately afraid it would burst out of his chest at any second. "I, um… I… Kurt, can… can we talk?" he asked in a rush, ready to fall over just from the effort of saying that much.
Kurt nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, of course we can. Um… actually, there's an empty classroom over this way that we can use. We'll have privacy there."
Carson obediently followed his twin, his nerves calming down somewhat now that Kurt hadn't outright told him to go away. Kurt led them inside the building and down several hallways until they reached a large, wooden door, which he opened and gestured for Carson to enter.
"After you," he said with a smile. Carson nervously smiled back and entered the classroom. Kurt shut the door behind them and settled his bag down on a nearby chair before he hopped up on the professor's desk.
"You wanna come sit beside me?" Kurt asked, gently patting the empty spot to his right. Carson cautiously walked toward him and hoisted himself up on the desk, his heartbeat quickening again at being this close to his brother in a very long time. He struggled to keep his breathing even as he felt Kurt's eyes on him, growing ever more curious by the moment.
"What's up, Carsey?" Kurt asked quietly, and the combined experience of being called that name and feeling his twin's hand gently touch his own sent Carson into an emotional tailspin. He almost forgot all about his carefully rehearsed speech as, to his horror, he felt tears start to sting the corners of his eyes.
"K-kurt," he began, determined not to let a few tears deter him from his mission, "I… I know that, um… that things haven't always… that they…. That they haven't…." The feeling of Kurt's soft hand was making it very difficult for him to concentrate, so overwhelmed was he to actually be living out the moment he'd been preparing and dreaming about for so long. The tears in his eyes welled up and began to leak out as he staunchly tried to proceed.
"I know that things haven't been exactly… exactly w-w-won… wonder…" Carson struggled to keep the tears at bay, but they had a mind of their own, beginning to stream down his face as he felt himself begin to emotionally crumble.
"Carson?" said Kurt, his voice suddenly sounding alarmed as his blue eyes clouded over with concern. "Carson, honey, you're scaring me."
The rollercoaster of emotions finally tipped the scale and proved to be too much. Carson, to his utter humiliation, started bawling right then and there, his shoulders heaving with sobs as all efforts to remember his speech went right out the window.
"Kurt, I'm sorry!" he blurted out in between choked sobs. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for the Youtube video, I'm sorry for… for the d-d-drugs and the guys and the…. I'm sorry I kicked you out, I just… I'm so fucking sorry," he wailed, his sobs growing more violent as Kurt immediately took him into his arms and hugged him close. Carson dissolved into the touch, the tears flowing freely now as he sniffed and heaved and let out guttural sounds he didn't even know he was capable of.
"Shhh…. Carsey, it's ok," Kurt soothed, rubbing his back as Carson cried in his arms. He was so embarrassed to be completely ruining his big apology like this, but at the same time it felt so good to be in Kurt's arms again, he never wanted to leave them.
"It's ok," Kurt repeated softly, his own voice sounding choked up as he held Carson tight.
"No it's noooot," Carson sobbed. "I've fucked up so much and I hurt you and I've been an asshole and I miss you and everything is so screwed up and I'd do anything to have you back and I just…." Carson felt his chest constrict with his biggest sob yet as he heard himself babble on. Everything really had gone to shit now. He so had not planned to tell Kurt yet that he wanted him back, not until after he had properly apologized.
Fuck my life.
Kurt had apparently latched on immediately to that last part of Carson's semi-incoherent speech, because he parted slightly from the embrace to give Carson a very surprised, searching look.
"You what?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper, and Carson could see that his twin's eyes were also shining with tears.
"I…. I want… I still…" Carson struggled to speak as his chest was still heaving, making it very difficult to breathe, let alone talk. "I'm not… I… I l-love you, Kurt, and I'm not asking for anything right now, but…. But someday… if…"
"Oh, Carson," Kurt sighed sadly, pulling him back into his arms and rocking the two of them back and forth as well as he could in their position. "Oh, honey."
"I know you don't love me like that anymore, not right now, but I only thought… if… if someday you still…." Carson cried in between hiccups and sniffles, his humiliation only growing stronger by the second as he breathed in the comforting scent of Kurt's signature lotion and shampoo.
"Oh, Carson, baby, no… no, that's not…" Kurt babbled, his embrace growing tighter, as though he was afraid to let go. "I do love you," he said through his tears with a sniff. "Just because you fucked up….a LOT….. that doesn't mean I don't love you that way. I do. I never stopped."
"But," Carson prompted him sadly, his breathing slowly coming back under control as his endless tears finally started to stem a bit.
Kurt sighed. "But it isn't that simple anymore," he said tearfully as they continued to hug each other close. "I have Sebastian now, I can't just…"
"I know," Carson said, his voice turning into another quiet wail as his heart broke in a million pieces. "God, this wasn't how it was supposed to be."
I should have known this was all a mistake. Of fucking course this wasn't going to go how I planned it. All I wanted to do was apologize, I didn't want all of this.
He was now painfully aware of exactly how much he had just humiliated himself in front of Kurt, and despite how good it still felt to be wrapped in Kurt's arms, at the moment all he wanted was to run away and hide his face from the world for the rest of his life, if that was possible.
"I shouldn't have come here," Carson murmured, pulling himself away from Kurt's embrace and wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his hoodie. "I shouldn't… I'm sorry…" he babbled, jumping off of the desk and making his way as fast as possible toward the door before Kurt could stop him. "I made a mistake…"
"Carson!" Kurt called after him, hopping off the desk himself and crossing over to him. "Carson, honey, don't leave. Please…"
"I'm sorry," was all Carson could stammer as he pulled the door open and started sprinting down the hallway, Kurt following close behind him.
"CARSON!" Kurt screamed after him. "Carson, stop! PLEASE!"
Carson ignored him, running away as fast as he could without looking back. At some point, he was aware that Kurt had given up chasing him, but still he ran, not slowing down until he'd reached his car. He pulled the driver's side door open and stuffed himself inside, starting the engine and hightailing it home as fast as he dared.
I'm stupid… I'm so fucking stupid, why did I do this today? It wasn't right, I wasn't ready, this wasn't how this was supposed to go….
FUCK IT ALL.
Needless to say, Kurt didn't end up attending any of the rest of his classes that day after his encounter with Carson. He couldn't. All he had the energy to do was drag himself back to the apartment and flop down on the sofa, his already tear-streaked face getting a second coating as fresh tears started pouring out of his eyes. He couldn't remember ever feeling this much heartache before in his life, which was saying a hell of a lot, considering the type of life he and Carson had led up until now.
He wants me back.
He actually wants me back.
He SAID that.
And I don't know what the fuck to do.
Of course he wanted Carson back. Of course he did. Despite everything, the feelings he had for him had never been fully extinguished, and now they were back full-force. He flashed back to his conversation with Sebastian so many weeks ago, when they had been laying in bed and his boyfriend had asked him what he would do if Carson were to come back and say he wants him.
What are the odds, he remembered thinking at the time.
Apparently, the odds were pretty fucking good.
What am I supposed to do? God, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
At the moment, all he could really do was lay on the couch and cry, so he settled for that, pulling his knees up as he hugged a pillow to his chest and sobbed into it, covering it with a giant wet patch that was absolutely going to ruin the upholstery, but right now he couldn't give a fuck. He went over every moment of his meeting with Carson in his mind. The way his twin was shaking with nerves before he started to cry. The way he'd felt in Kurt's arms. Rugged but soft, just the way he'd always been. The smell of his generic body wash and the detergent used to wash his clothes. Every word of apology that had come out of Carson's mouth, and how much Kurt had felt like he really meant it with all of his heart.
I wonder what happened to that Luke fucker.
Actually, you know what, I don't care, as long as he's far, far away.
Kurt stared up at the ceiling as he hugged the pillow, his thoughts a jumbled, confused mess. He simply didn't know what the hell he was supposed to do about this. He'd dreamed for so long of Carson apologizing and asking for another chance, and now that it had happened, it was at the worst possible time. Kurt wasn't about to leave Sebastian. He loved him too much. He'd never known it was possible to be in love with two people at once, but yet here he was, facing that very situation and knowing fuck all about how to deal with it.
A hole to crawl into would be really fucking great right now, he thought miserably. A key in the lock interrupted his thoughts, and his heart stopped for several beats as Sebastian pushed the apartment door open and let himself inside.
"Kurt, baby, you home?" he called out, tossing his keys on the table beside the door with a loud clanging sound. Kurt frantically sat up and tried to dry his eyes as well as he could, but he wasn't fast enough. Sebastian walked into the living room and instantly frowned with concern, rushing over to his side within two seconds.
"Oh my god, Kurt, are you ok?" he demanded to know, placing an arm around his shoulders and trying to lock eyes with him. "Baby, what's wrong?"
Kurt looked down at his shoes miserably, feeling extremely guilty as Sebastian tried to comfort him. As much as he didn't want to discuss what had happened earlier that day, he felt like he owed it to his boyfriend to be honest, especially since they'd sort of had this conversation before. Besides, Sebastian would eventually figure it out anyway. He wasn't stupid.
I really don't deserve him.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, closing his eyes and refusing to look at Sebastian. "I saw Carson today," he murmured in a low voice. He felt Sebastian stiffen beside him, although his arm did not leave its spot around his shoulder.
"I, uh… I kind of had a feeling this would happen eventually," he said at last. "What happened?" he asked, his voice full of sadness, as though he already had a pretty good idea what the answer would be.
"He… he told me…" Kurt stammered, his eyes threatening to unleash a whole new set of hot tears. "He said he was sorry for…. For everything, and then he… he said…" He hesitated, suddenly unsure he really wanted to tell Sebastian the whole story, but he knew if he didn't, it would only add one more thing to his life for him to be anxious and stressed out about. Even though he was still only a teenager, he felt far too old and tired to keep many secrets anymore, especially not from the people he loved.
And make no mistake, he definitely loved Sebastian.
"Kurt, honey, just tell me," said Sebastian with a sigh, pulling him in closer and rubbing his shoulder comfortingly.
Kurt took a shaky breath as he tried not to cry. "He told me he still loves me and… and that he… he wants…"
"He wants you back," Sebastian said dully. "Right?"
Kurt nodded as he bit his lip nervously.
"And, um… what… what did you say?" asked Sebastian, his voice sounding as though he were trying very hard to keep it calm and steady.
"I told him it wasn't that simple," Kurt replied, finally locking eyes with Sebastian's piercing green ones as he felt his own start to well up with more tears. "Because… because I have you," he added, swallowing a lump in his throat as he watched tears start to leak out of Sebastian's beautiful eyes. "And…. And because I love you, I really want to be honest with you here. I do still love him. A lot. Remember when we talked before?"
Sebastian nodded as he closed his eyes, causing several fat teardrops to stream down his cheeks and land on the collar of his T-shirt.
"And I just feel so… ugh… I never thought this would actually happen, but now it has and I just… I… I don't know what to do," Kurt stammered out as he started sobbing all over again. "No matter what I do, I'm hurting s-someone…." He felt a squeeze in his chest as he started crying uncontrollably, melting into Sebastian's arms as his boyfriend held him tight and rocked him through his own tears. "There are no good choices," he added, his voice muffled by the fabric of Sebastian's shirt.
"Shhh," Sebastian whispered soothingly in his ear. "Just let it all out, I've got you. It'll be ok."
Kurt sobbed harder than he could remember ever doing in a very long time, the tears flowing out of his eyes like they were broken faucets. He cried for himself and for Carson and Sebastian, the three of them unwittingly caught up in such a messy web with no hope of all of them escaping unscathed. No matter what Kurt did about the situation, he knew someone would end up getting hurt, and the thought of hurting either of the men he loved twisted him up inside so much that he thought he would end up throwing up right there on the sofa.
Ultimately, what he actually did was fall asleep from utter exhaustion, stretched out on the couch with Sebastian's arms wrapped tightly around him. He awoke several hours later in the now very dark living room, stiff and achy, still engulfed in Sebastian's arms, every joint in his legs screaming in protest at his positioning. He delicately started to disentangle himself from Sebastian while trying not wake him, except, he discovered as Sebastian moved to make it easier, his boyfriend was already awake.
"Have you been awake the whole time?" Kurt asked gently, sitting up straight and wincing as he stretched out his stiff legs.
"Mmm-hmm," answered Sebastian, sounding weary. "I was doing a lot of, um… a lot of thinking."
Kurt was instantly alert, his blood running cold at the tone of his boyfriend's voice. "About?" he prodded nervously, even though he knew damn well what he'd been thinking about.
"About your…. situation," Sebastian answered carefully, glancing carefully at Kurt.
"And?" Kurt pressed, suddenly extremely nervous.
Sebastian sighed. "Look, Kurt, you know how much I love you. Right?" Kurt nodded. "And because I love you so much, it just hurts me so badly to see you hurting like this. All I ever want is to make you happy, and… and you're clearly never going to be completely happy unless you're with Carson, so.."
"Oh my god," Kurt exclaimed in horror as the pieces started to click into place. "Oh god, you're breaking up with me."
"What? No!" Sebastian protested quickly. "No, no I'm not, I just… ugh. This isn't going well. Ok, just hear me out, ok?"
Kurt breathed a sigh of relief as he frowned at Sebastian, suddenly very curious as to where the hell this was going. "Ok?"
"Look," Sebastian started over, "I love you. A lot. You know that. And you love me, right?" he added cautiously. Kurt leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his lips, using one hand to reach up and stroke the side of his face gently.
"Does that answer your question?" he whispered when he'd parted from the kiss, biting his lip and unable to stop a small smile from forming at the look of bliss on Sebastian's face.
"Right," his boyfriend continued after clearing his throat. "Anyway, you're in love with both of us, and so, you're never going to be truly happy if you can only have one of us…." Sebastian trailed off, as though he were suddenly having second thoughts about whatever it was he was getting at.
"Honey, I'm afraid I'm not following you," Kurt pressed gently, now more confused than ever.
"What I'm getting at is… um… " Sebastian stammered, his cheeks flushed red as a tomato as he looked down at the floor. "I don't want to make you choose between both of us, so… so…"
"Sebastian, are you sure this isn't a breakup?" asked Kurt anxiously. "Because this is sounding so much like a breakup, and…"
"What I'm suggesting," Sebastian continued, finding his strength at last, "Is that, if Carson is what it takes to complete your happiness, then… then…"
"Seb, baby, please get to the point," Kurt begged. "You're actually starting to scare me."
"You can be with both of us," Sebastian blurted out, his eyes wide, as though he couldn't believe his own words.
Kurt blinked at him. "Pardon?"
Sebastian looked him in the eye, clearly feeling better now that he'd gotten the gist of his suggestion all the way out. "Look, Kurt," he said as he took both of Kurt's hands in his own, "I love you too much to be comfortable making you unhappy by forcing you to choose one love or the other. And the last thing I want is to lose you, so… so if sharing you with Carson is the only way to keep you, then I've decided that's something I'm willing to do."
Kurt just gaped at him, trying to process what he was hearing in any sort of effective manner. "I… you… what?"
Sebastian shrugged. "Why not?" he said sensibly.
"What do you mean, why not?" exclaimed Kurt. "People don't just do that, that's why not!"
Sebastian looked at him critically. "People do it all the time, Kurt, they just call it cheating and they do it behind each other's backs."
Kurt glared at him. "I would never cheat on you!" he said irritably.
"No, I know, I know you wouldn't," said Sebastian quickly. "That isn't what I'm saying, I'm just saying that it isn't exactly unheard of for people to be in more than one relationship at a time. This would just be… sanctioned, I guess? Everyone would know about it and stuff."
Kurt was silent for several long moments, trying to let Sebastian's words sink in. The more he thought about it, the more the idea really did make sense, sort of. Multiple significant others really wasn't so uncommon, right? Hell, there were tons of reality shows based around the same concept, weren't there?
"But what about… where would we all live?' he stammered out as he tried to collect his thoughts.
Sebastian shrugged. "We'd figure that out."
"How am I supposed to divide my time between the both of you?"
"We'd figure that out."
"What about jealousy?"
Sebastian paused. "We'd…. figure it out?" he said, sounding more uncertain about that one.
Kurt looked at him carefully, frowning as the biggest obstacle in the way of this little plan reared its ugly head.
"What if Carson doesn't go for this?"
Sebastian shrugged. "I don't know. If you want my honest opinion, if he loves you like he says he does, he'd recognize that this is really the only solution where everyone wins. Kinda."
Kurt flopped back into the seat of the couch, heaving a huge breath as he stared up thoughtfully at the ceiling. "It's an awful lot to think about," he mused quietly.
"I know," Sebastian agreed. "But it was just a suggestion. I'm not going to make you do anything, I just think that, if you really want both of us, this is pretty much the only way that can happen. I meant what I told you before. I love you and I'll support whatever you decide, no hard feelings."
"But you really want me to choose this," Kurt prodded.
Sebastian sighed heavily. "I'd be lying if I said no," he admitted. "I don't want to lose you."
Kurt stared back up at the ceiling, pinching the bridge of his nose to stave off the migraine he could feel coming on.
He had so much thinking to do and no idea where the hell to begin.
The next week was full of stressful days for Carson, so much so that he very nearly went right back on the cigarette wagon as soon as he'd gotten home from his ill-fated encounter with Kurt. Through a lot of self-restraint (and, admittedly, a little help from his friend, Mr. Vodka), he somehow managed not to undo all his hard work there. But it really was a very close thing, because every time Carson so much as closed his eyes, every humiliating memory of that day came crashing back into his brain like a fucking house of cards, and at some points he was willing to do literally anything to make them stop. One thing was for sure, he would never be making a mistake like that again.
Apparently Kurt felt the same way, because not only had he stopped chasing him through the school, he hadn't contacted Carson at all in the past week, not even so much as a text message. Honestly, Carson wasn't sure whether to be relieved about that or to feel even more depressed. Clearly, Kurt was sending him a message by not sending him one. A message that said, "I don't want you, go away." That was fine. At least Carson knew where he stood.
So, under the circumstances, when there was a knock at his apartment door early one Saturday morning, he was expecting it to be a package, or a neighbor, or maybe even Hayley coming by just to berate him some more for blowing a load in her mouth that one time without reciprocating, because if there was one thing that girl was good at, it was holding a grudge.
He was sure as hell not expecting to open the door and see Kurt standing there, but sure enough, there he was, looking handsome as ever in skinny jeans and a tight maroon sweater, his hair swooshed to perfection and his face full of apprehension.
"Kurt," Carson breathed out, hardly daring to believe what he was seeing.
"Can I come in?" Kurt asked gently, and Carson immediately stepped back and waved him inside, thanking his lucky stars that he had decided to clean the entire flat the previous day as a distraction from his misery. Carson himself was still in his pajama pants and messy T-shirt, but he supposed that didn't really matter. He'd already humiliated himself royally in front of Kurt, he didn't think what he was wearing was going to make much of a difference now.
Kurt made his way into the living room and sat down on the sofa without waiting for an invitation, patting the seat beside him and imploring Carson to take it. "Carson, sit down… please?" he added, as though he were uncomfortable giving his twin instructions in his own apartment. "I…. I have to talk to you."
Carson's heart started thudding loudly in his chest as he cautiously took the offered seat and gazed nervously at Kurt, a lump starting to form deep in his throat. "O…ok," he breathed out, simultaneously very anxious and very curious about what Kurt could possibly have to speak to him about this early on a Saturday without telling him he was coming over first. He didn't know exactly what he was expecting, but it definitely wasn't for Kurt to open his mouth and start nervously blurting out a series of sentences about love and Sebastian and confusion and wanting to be in two relationships at once.
Carson just sat there, his mouth agape as Kurt breathlessly finished his long winded tale and nervously waited for his reaction.
"Carson?" he said carefully after several moments of uncomfortable silence.
Carson blinked at him, unable to form actual words as he tried to absorb everything he'd just heard.
"Carson, please say something," Kurt pleaded, his voice starting to shake, as though he were trying to stave off tears.
"I… I… I just… ok, let me get this straight," said Carson slowly, finding his voice at last. "You want me to… you'll take me back, but only if I share you with Sebastian?"
Kurt looked uncomfortable. "You make it sound so callous," he said sadly. "The point is, I'm legitimately in love with both of you, and I don't want to end up hurting one of you by choosing the other."
Carson felt a wave of sadness mixed with supreme irritation start to swell within him. 'And how exactly is this supposed to work out?" he asked, trying very hard to keep any irritation out of his voice, because he really didn't want to end up scaring Kurt away again. "How are you supposed to be with both of us at once? Do you realize how fucking complicated that would be, Kurt?"
"It doesn't have to be," Kurt pleaded. "It really doesn't. I could just divide my time between both apartments, or… or we could all share a-"
"I am NOT living with Sebastian," Carson declared, much more forcefully than he wanted to. "Living under the same roof and having to listen while he fucks you? How about fuck no?"
"Ok, ok," Kurt conceded with a wince. "We could work the arrangements out later, I just…. Right now I need to know if… if you…"
"If I'm willing to go along with this sordid little plan?" snapped Carson. "Do you even know me, Kurt?"
"And who's to say it's going to stop there?" Carson continued, thankful that his rising anger was doing the job of keeping any tears that were threatening to fall at bay for the time being. "What happens when your precious Sebastian decides he's in love with another dude and now you have to work around his schedule too? Hmm?"
Kurt sighed. "Carson, it wouldn't be like that."
"How do you know?"
"I don't know the future, Carson, ok?" snapped Kurt. "But I'm pretty sure that's not a problem we would have to face. All I'm suggesting here is that we all make a few sacrifices so that no one gets left out in the cold. I can't help how I feel. I'm in love with you, and I always will be, but you have to understand, I'm also in love with Sebastian. Once upon a time, maybe it could have been just us, but that… that's not how it worked out. You know that."
The tears finally started to break through, and Carson bit his own tongue to keep them from falling. "Yeah, that's my fault. I'm well fucking aware of that," he muttered bitterly.
Kurt sighed and leaned in to cup Carson's face in his hands. "Honey, I love you. I do. And if you love me, you… you're going to have to be a little understanding. I can't be with you the way you want me to. I want to, but I just can't do it. This is the solution, so you either have to accept it or not."
"I can't just accept it like that, Kurt," Carson protested irritably, a sniff escaping despite how much he tried to hide it. "You can't just spring this on me, I need time."
Kurt stood up and rubbed his temples in frustration. "I understand, Carson, but I also can't take another three or four or six months to wait on your answer," he said tiredly. "I've done my share of waiting for you, and all it ever does is wear me out. I can't take much more of that."
Kurt leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his forehead, causing Carson's eyes to let loose with a few of those stored up tears. "Please don't take too long, hmm?" he said quietly before he turned around and made his way back out of the apartment, closing the door gently behind him with a soft thud.
Carson sat there for several moments, feeling as though his already fragile heart was breaking into even tinier pieces with every passing second. The very thought of having to share Kurt with Sebastian for the rest of his life made him physically ill. There was no way he could handle watching the two of them together with any sort of grace, even if he knew he would have his turn as well. He just didn't have that in him.
And yet…. And yet the idea of living an entire lonely lifetime without Kurt's love hurt him ten times worse, like a knife wound deep in his stomach. He would never find another love like Kurt's. He knew, because he'd been around the block and back so many times that he could walk it blindfolded. If there was one thing he'd taken away from his long and arduous journey through the adulthood that had come too soon for him, it was that, as far as romance was concerned, all he ever wanted again was Kurt. Not some nameless man who only wanted him for what he could use him for. Not even Luke, even though he had certainly enjoyed what they'd had. No, his only deep feelings would ever be for Kurt, and Kurt alone.
And the longer he sat there, knowing that Kurt was literally getting further and further away from him with each passing second, the more the rising sickness in his stomach threatened to erupt.
He had to go after him.
He stood up from the sofa so fast that he made himself dizzy. He sprinted for the door of the flat, not even bothering to put on shoes despite the fact that he knew it was pouring rain outside. He took the stairs and rushed down to the first floor of the building, pushing past several people in the lobby on his way out, and frantically ran out into the street, breathlessly searching in every direction for any sign of his twin.
"Kurt?" he called out. "Kurt? KURT!"
He turned his head and, to his great relief, spotted his brother some distance across the street, making his way down a sidewalk with an umbrella held gracefully above his head.
"KUUUUUUUUURT!" Carson shouted with all his might, relieved when Kurt glanced over at him and stopped walking, waiting for what he would do next. Carson sprinted across the street, barely taking the time to watch out for cars, and closed the distance between himself and his twin within three seconds. Without even thinking, he leaped at him, wrapping his arms and legs tightly around him as Kurt was startled into dropping his umbrella and holding him up. Carson caught Kurt's lips with his own, kissing him hungrily, as though this were the first and last time they had ever kissed. Kurt eagerly returned it, his grip on Carson tightening as everything was lost in a sea of lips and tongues and teeth, and when it was finally over, Carson buried his face in his twin's shoulder and sobbed. His shoulders heaved as he let loose, his tears mixing with the rain as he held onto Kurt for dear life. He was vaguely aware of people staring at them as they walked past, but he really didn't fucking care right now.
"I'll do it," he managed to croak out in between relieved, happy sobs.
"I'll do it," Carson repeated, his voice muffled by Kurt's shirt. "I'll do whatever you want, we'll work it out somehow, just don't ever leave me, ok?"
Kurt's grip on him grew even tighter, if such a thing were possible, and Carson felt soft lips on the tip of his ear as his twin planted a tender kiss there.