Sometimes I wonder if people are trying to test me. Like they're conducting experiments to see how much I can take before I snap.
I can never decide on their motives.
Do they want to break me? Are they counting on my weakness? Are they wearing down my resolve layer by layer, until they finally arrive at my core? What are they going to do then? Rip it from my body? Pierce it with a blade?
Or perhaps, do they think that I am strong? Are they are testing my strength, confident in the knowledge that I will not falter, no matter how far I am pushed?
Do they think that I am so strong, that nothing they say or do can affect me?
Is it because I'm a man? Or perhaps that I swing a sword around and slice through my enemies with ease?
Do they think that cutting down enemies is harder than maintaining my resolve?
Well it's not.
I wonder how they would react if they knew about my sodden heart. About the melancholic downpour that torments my inner world.
Would they consider me weak?
Well? Am I weak?
Perhaps I am.
How can I tell?
I'm not naïve enough to believe that I'm alone in my hidden weakness.
I'm not naïve enough to believe every word that comes from my friends' mouths'.
Through personal reflection?
Well I'm trying that now, aren't I? Look where it's got me. I'm no closer to learning the truth than before.
Will I ever learn the answer to the questions that plague my heart?
Perhaps I'm naïve enough for that.
Or perhaps those hopes aren't naïve at all.
I know that they are. But a boy can dream, can't he?
And then I think: Perhaps that's my biggest weakness of all.
Perhaps I wish for those dreams too much, and all I get in the end is a couple extra meters to fall when I'm let down.
And then, perhaps not.
Weaknesses can be strengths, after all.
So then if that's the case, does it even matter?
If my weaknesses can be my strengths, then does it matter if I'm weak or strong?
I like to think it doesn't.
But then, I also like to think I'm strong.
Perhaps I'll never know. I'm content with that.
Why I'm content with that I don't know, but I am.
Some questions just don't have answers.