A/N: Here's a happy fic! Thanks to Minecraft Guardiansaiyan, I have taken a moment to write another humorous story. Some notes: While there is no indication that McCoy and Scotty went to Starfleet Academy together, they are in the same age group (even in real life; James Doohan and DeForest Kelley were both born in 1920, 11 years before Shatner and Nimoy) so it's conceivable that they would've gone at the same time. Also, Dieter is NOT my original character; he comes from the Star Trek novelization Doctor's Orders by Diane Duane. Characters may be slightly OOC, but hey, they're drunk.
On that note, please enjoy this random tale.
The officers reclined around the low table, sitting either cross-legged or propped up on pillows. Hedona was a lovely planet to spend shore leave, and after some cajoling Kirk had managed to wrangle Spock, Scotty, and McCoy down to one of its restaurants. He forbade anyone to talk about work, and so in order to smooth things over after the last hectic mission, ordered Saurian brandy for all. And refills.
Two hours later Kirk was on the floor laughing at a non-funny story Spock had told about his Academy days. The science officer merely watched, slightly unruffled at the unbecoming behavior. He was naturally not drinking any alcohol. McCoy and Scotty were grinning, but much more relaxed. The two could hold their liquor better than the captain, although never outright said so.
"That's gold, Spock, just golden!" he chuckled, barely getting a hold of himself.
"Captain, I informed you of the one time I missed a class, and that was because I'd been called away as witness to an earlier altercation on the Academy campus."
For some reason that just made Kirk laugh harder.
Scotty sighed dramatically. "Ah, tis a happy drunk that makes life fine." He downed some more brandy.
"I'll drink to that," McCoy seconded, joining him.
"Wh- what about you two?" Kirk asked, rejoining them on the pillow-chairs.
"What about us?" McCoy asked.
Kirk waved a hand. "Bones, Scotty, tell us something about your Academy days." He sobered slightly and leaned on the table; eyes glistening.
McCoy and Scotty exchanged a glance. "Should we tell them, Doctor?"
"I'm fine with it," he drawled, sipping from his glass. "Besides, it was more your doing."
"What? Whose doing?" Kirk eyed them both. "You two knew each other at the Academy?"
"Sort of," McCoy supplied. "We met at a bar off campus."
"Aye," Scotty said. "And somehow that led to the biggest, er, accident Starfleet'd ever seen…"
"I bet," Dieter said. "That you can drink anyone under the table."
"Please," McCoy said. "That makes me sound like an alcoholic."
Dieter's eyes just glittered. "But you're not denying it."
"Well, what about Caleb's friend? The one from Scotland? They drink a lot over there, heck, he's probably born with some alcohol in his blood."
"Well, why don't you ask him?"
McCoy spluttered. "What?"
Dieter nodded across the bar. "He's over there."
Sure enough, a man with short dark hair had just entered and sat down with some friends. Before McCoy could stop him, Dieter had already whisked over to their table and began exchanging words. Glances were tossed his way and then a bunch of hands were waving him over. Groaning, he rose and joined them.
"Len, you're going to be in a drinking competition," Dieter declared happily.
"Lovely," he drawled.
The Scotsman stuck out his hand across the table. "Montgomery Scott," he said cheerfully.
"Leonard McCoy," he said, shaking it. He sat down. "I know I'm going to regret this."
"Cheer up, laddie!" Montgomery said, all too heartily. "You'll feel better in a few minutes."
Sure enough, that's when the drinks arrived.
At first their friends could keep track, but when it kept going and going and going they started wandering away and buying their own drinks. Nobody noticed when Leonard and Montgomery stopped drinking and just kept talking; laughing until they were red in the face.
"I' was th' nastiest thing I've ever tasted!" Montgomery howled. "I ate one bite an' I looked a' m'mum an' said 'are ye tryin' to kill me, cuz it's workin'!'"
Leonard wheezed and waved him off. "If you think tha's bad, you ain't heayrd of anythaing. I once ha' to eat okra, boiled."
Montgomery gasped. "Ach, th'horror!" he cried, throwing up a hand (a bit too hard and smacking himself in the face.)
"I don' even know what's worse," Leonard wiped a tear from his eye. "That, or all the abnormal, mechanical thaings, that come outta them synthesizers!"
"Aye, they are th'worst," Montgomery agreed. "I could make 'em be''er, ye know."
Montgomery puffed out his chest. "Cuz I'M AN ENGINEER!"
Silence. Then Leonard burst out laughing. "Okaaay, engineer suhr, let's go an' fix some synthizerrrs." He slurred heavily on the last word.
"How did you guys get to talking about food?" Kirk interrupted.
McCoy frowned. "I think we were talking about the meaning of life and bubble bath."
"Aye," Scotty agreed. "An analogy that I still live by, t'this day."
"Jim, it goes like this," McCoy began. "The water is the chemical, primordial soup of the Earth. Then God pours in bubble bath and creates… bubbles." He paused, then jabbed a finger at them all. "We are the bubbles. We start out as a mix of genes and soup and then grow and grow into a bubble. Once we're done growing and the bubble's been there long enough… we pop." He sighed. "'Cause you know what they say; ashes to ashes-"
"-and soap to soap," Scotty finished.
Kirk and Spock stared at them.
"That is," Spock said slowly, brow knitted. "Highly illogical…"
"I get it!" Kirk declared, slapping the table. His face bore the look of a man who just had the answer to life served to him on a silver platter… and in a way it had been.
"Right, so anyway, where were we?"
"We went back t'the Academy cafeteria," Scotty said.
"D'you suppose you can fix it to make some sweet tea?" Leonard asked.
Montgomery paused. "Tha's no' such a bad idea- add it t'th'list."
"If I ken get t'th'ingredients," Montgomery huffed, his head stuck in the back of the synthesizing terminal. "I ken key in wha'ever we want."
"'Bout time!" Leonard said heartily. "Y'know, it's really easy nowadays to become a chef."
"Yes, suhr." He pointed. "Instead of diggin' 'round in the dirt all one's gotta do is reprogram a synthis, syntithizer, systen-" he gave up.
"While we're at it," Montgomery said, struck by a moment of brilliance. "I ken fix tha' horrible delay whenever it jams!"
Montgomery delved deeper into the machinery. "Aye! Oh, this'll be the work-" he banged his head and cursed.
"Wha' was that?" Leonard asked.
"Probably a good thin', you might not've liked its translation."
Leonard snorted. "Please, my momma taught me all my curse words." He tried to see what Montgomery was doing and clipped his head on the opening as well. He swore.
"Impressive," Montgomery complimented.
"I've got it!" Montgomery cried. "Now if I just-"
They were interrupted by a noise. It took them a while to hear it, but when they did they backed out of the synthesizing board and ran around into the cafeteria.
All of the synthesizers were shooting food at warp speed from their openings.
"Leonard," Montgomery said, not comprehending just yet. "Was tha' mashed potatoes flying just past me head?"
They watched it for a moment and then burst out laughing. Drunk and tired, they waded through the food to try and stop the machines. Putting their hands in front of them didn't help much. Soon they were covered in cheese, pudding, beef broth, vegetables, and sweet tea.
McCoy frowned. "I don't remember much after that." He looked at Scotty. "I do remember you had the idea to get on your knees and try to catch the flying food with your mouth."
"Aye," Scotty reminisced. "I stopped when ye diagnosed the synthesizers with projectile vomiting."
"Doubtless, you were discovered," Spock said dryly.
"No!" McCoy corrected swiftly. "No we weren't! Now, all I remember are some pretty colors and waking up in an apartment across town, but Starfleet never caught us."
"But they did implement the 'no trips to the cafeteria after midnight' rule," Scotty said.
"Wait, you two are responsible for that regulation?" Kirk spluttered. "You're the reason I couldn't sneak down there for a late-night snack?"
McCoy shrugged. "Sorry, Jim."
"By the way, Doctor," Scotty said. "Do ye remember whose apartment it was we woke up in?"
McCoy frowned. "No, I don't- there was just a note saying 'have some coffee and hangover pills, then get on your way'."
"Sounds like a good Samaritan," Kirk said.
"You've no idea," McCoy agreed.
Watching the men laugh and drink, Uhura smiled. She sipped her own brandy, recalling that crazy night she kept two fine men from getting kicked out of Starfleet Academy.
Did you like it? My dad actually had to eat boiled okra once, and he and his siblings testify to this day that it was the most disgusting thing on the planet. Also, I came up with life-as-bubble bath analogy while brushing my teeth and just had to include it. Please review if you laughed, and even if you didn't!
Also: this story comes from a prompt-maker [Chronometric Awardspace Co UK (no caps, dots where there's a space, and http(colon)(double-slash) at the beginning; it's a REALLY great site.] The prompt was McCoy, Scotty, bets/competitions, system malfunctions, food, Starfleet Academy, creativity, and backstory.