Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all Twilight Saga and characters.
The memory ended when I unwillingly turned back to my human form. I couldn't hold my wolf form because of all the emotions I was feeling. They were too much for the wolf to process. I was in human form on all fours, with my head hanging between my arms. I was sobbing, heaving with loud sobs caused by the emotional memory. Dad had phased back too. It was just him and me. We were both naked but it didn't matter anymore. I had almost attacked my father. I had almost killed the man that loved me more than I have ever felt anyone love me, except for my mother. He took me into his arms and rocked me back and forth, whispering soothing words that I didn't deserve.
"You weren't in control, baby girl. It happens to all of us."
"I could have hurt you! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it, daddy. I love you so much!"
"Shh. I know. I love you too." He said kissing my cheeks. It took me a few minutes to calm down. Once I did, he gave me his shirt and put on a pair of pants that were on the ground. They smelled like Collin's. This part of phasing I would never get used to. Daddy put his arm around me and he walked me back to the house together. I tried to clear my tears but they just kept falling.
"First time I phased, I was having a fight with my dad about your grandma." I wiped my tears away and nodded.
"Yeah. I heard you were in love with her before you imprinted on mom. The whole thing is so gross." I told him. He chuckled.
"It happens. Anyway, I almost killed my dad when I first phased. I think if your kids try to kill you, we'll have a nice little family tradition." He smiled at me and wiggled his brows. I frowned.
"This family is so weird." He laughed and hugged me one more time before we reached the house. Mom came over to me and she kissed my cheeks as daddy held me against him.
"Its been a long day. Let's get you to bed so you can get some rest, baby." She said and dad nodded agreeing with her. Daddy walked me into the house and upstairs to my bedroom. He tucked me into my bed and kissed my head.
"Just remember, that good or bad, I will always love you baby girl. Every second of eternity, just like I promised you." I nodded. His comment made my eyes sting again. Mom smiled at us. She kissed me and told me goodnight. I whispered 'I love you' to them as they left. Then I let the sleep and wariness take me. That was the easiest part of my day. I was exhausted.
I woke up because I felt hot and uncomfortable. I opened my eyes and saw that I wasn't alone. Lina was in my bed on one side and Liam was on the other. It had been a long time since the three of us slept on the same bed. I was facing Lina. She looked so sweet and peaceful when she slept. It was kinda funny considering she was such a brat when she was awake. I tried to slowly worm my way off the bed so that I didn't wake them. It didn't work.
"Were are you going?" Liam asked me in a very sleepy voice.
"To get something to eat. I'm starving!" I whispered but I woke Lina up anyway. She stretched out at that moment.
"Me too." She said as she yawned and literally rolled herself out of bed. Liam rubbed his face against the pillow but then he sat up. He always did that. I sat up too.
"What are you two doing in my bed?"
"We wanted to see you. We decided to sleep in here since you were sleeping so deeply." Lina told me as she fixed her hair. I started fixing my hair too and I got out of the bed. Liam kept staring at me.
"You ok?" He asked me worried.
"I was having a dream of running through the woods. I was a chasing a white wolf. I kept running but I couldn't catch it. When I finally found it the white wolf had blood all over its snout and there was a bleeding brown wolf bowing to it. It was awful." I told them. They both looked at each other before they looked at me.
"Sarah, do you remembered what happened yesterday?" Liam asked me. As if I could ever forget.
"Yeah, the white wolf tried to kill my father." I told them coldly. I hadn't forgotten how I lost control. How she tried to kill my father. I hated that furry white bitch!
I left the room and went downstairs. Lina and Liam both followed after me as I went into the kitchen. I looked at the kitchen clock and saw that it was after 3am in the morning. Everyone was be asleep so we had to be very quiet. I looked in the fridge and found a stack of sandwiches that mom had made the night before and I took them out to throw them in the grill. Liam and Lina sat on the barstools and watched me from the counter. We were all silent for a long time. I took out the sandwiches from the grill, set them in plates, then I threw some more in. I gave Liam and Lina each a sandwich and we started eating, quietly.
"I want to try again." I said after long period of silence. My voice was quiet because I was unsure but I felt like I needed to try it again. I needed to feel in control for once.
"What? Are you crazy? I think we should wait until your parents wake up to discuss it."Liam told me. I saw that he had his I'm setting my foot down look he inherited from aunt Leah.
"I'm not phasing with my dad again. My dad is an alpha. I won't let the white wolf tear him down because of it and I won't let her bully me or control me. I need to have control. Please Liam. Nobody is out tonight, I'll be fine." I pleaded with him. He had his stubborn look but it started to waver when we stared at each other.
"Sarah, no offense but you and your wolf are not two separate beings." Lina told me. I took their plates and walked over to the grill to take the second round of sandwiches out. I turned it off before I gave them their food. I shouldn't have broken my eye contact with Liam. His stubborn look was back and stronger than before.
"I'm sorry Sarah. But I think you need to stay in until everybody is up." Liam said firmly. I don't know why his tone made me so angry but it did. I grabbed the counter top hard trying to control myself.
"I wasn't really asking for permission." I said almost in a growl and I instantly felt ashamed for talking to him like that.
"Is that you? Or is that the white bitch talking." Liam said also in an angry voice I have never heard him use on me.
"Liam! You two really need to chill!" Lina said. She looked between both of us. Shocked.
"What? You heard her growl at me! She wants to do whatever the hell she wants and were supposed to sit back and let her?" He asked her angrily but then he turned to me. "You want to be the big bad wolf now? Go ahead. Go put our lives at risk. See if I care." I was a combination of both angry and hurt. Liam had never talked to me like that before. EVER. I felt the tears sting my eyes so I walked out the kitchen door and went outside.
"Seriously! What is wrong with you?!" I heard Lina yell at him in a loud whisper. Thank goodness all the rooms were sound proof or we would have waken our parents. I heard all of the sounds in the forest. I still felt like I needed to be somewhere else. I wanted to run. The emptiness inside of me felt stronger than ever and I felt like I was drowning in it. Having Liam yell at me like that didn't help. It made me feel even more alone and empty. I tried to concentrate on the sounds outside to distract myself. I heard something on roof deck on top of me and I got scared. I went out the garden and looked up to see my little brother on the deck roof.
"Will!" He jumped off the roof and landed right in my arms.
"Are you crazy?!" He nearly gave me a heart attack. I was not used to seen toddlers jump off roof tops unharmed.
"I'm thirsty." He told me with a puppy dog look that I could not say no to.
"Fine." Lina and Liam came out at that moment.
"I can take him." Lina offered. I had a sense that she was afraid that I would hurt my little brother. Normally, I would find that laughable but I did try to kill my father a few hours ago.
'Please Sisi.' He projected into my mind. That did it! Uncle Emmet and Chris taunted me all summer about my lack of killer instinct. Chris called me a big sisi in front of Will I got mad and stuck my tongue out at Chris. Will didn't understand why I was mad because I was his big Sisi. It was the cutest thing ever.
"I'll take him." I told Lina with more confidence and I walked into the forest. I felt Liam's eagle overhead. Of course Liam didn't trust me. Jerk! I put Will on the ground.
"Do you know what you're looking for or do you need my help?" I asked him and he just rolled his eyes at me.
"I can do it. I'll race you to the closest stag!" He said as he ran off. I panicked for a moment and I ran after him. I could smell him through the forest and when I caught up to him he had a stag down on the ground and was drinking from it. After a moment he drained the whole stag own his own.
"I can't believe you drained a whole stag. Mom and dad took you hunting yesterday!" He looked at me and shrugged.
"I felt thirsty again yesterday. I felt you and..."
"I was thirsty yesterday and you felt it." I interrupted him, realizing what had happened. He nodded.
"Great! I'm affecting all of you. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear." I slumped down on the ground trying not to cry again. Gosh! Why did I cry so much? It sure as heck didn't fix anything. Will sat next to me on the ground.
"Where would you go?" He asked me.
"I don't know. It's just an expression." Will was very very smart, but there were still some concepts that were new to him. It was cute. It was the one quality that made him seem child-like.
"But you wanted to go before? You wanted go to Italy. When Mac died. You wanted to take her place."
"How did you..." I was about to ask him how he knew that but I stopped myself. He was a mind reader. "You saw that?" I asked him. He nodded sadly and I put my arm around him. I felt terrible. He was only a few months old. There was so much he didn't understand.
"That's not what I want anymore. I won't leave you." I tried to reassure him.
"Then why were you running that direction?"
"What?" Now I was confused. I don't remember running in any particular direction.
"Daddy told momma you were running east. What else is to the east?" I was surprised at this revelation. I didn't realize the direction I was headed when I ran.
"I'm sorry Will. I promise, I won't run away from you again. I just need to get a handle on my wolf."
"You haven't accepted the wolf. That's why she's fighting you."
"Your dream. She's trying to get your attention. You need to accept her and the thirst and the pack." He said and ticked the items of his little fingers. I tickled him.
"What makes you say that? Are you some sort of wolf vamp expert now?" I asked as he squirmed and laughed.
"Stop! I overheard uncle Kal talking to aunt Leah!" He confessed. I stopped tickling him and gave him an annoyed glare.
"What don't you hear?" He shrugged.
"I want to see her. Your wolf."
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"Please. Sarah. Please…" I looked at him slightly terrified by the idea but a part of me knew that I would never hurt my baby brother. He was the only one on my side and the one instinct the wolf and I shared was the instinct to protect what was ours. I stepped back and Will turned around. I removed my clothes and let myself connect with my wolf again. I was on all fours within a second. I noticed it was easier.
"You're so pretty Sarah."
"Thanks twerp. Ok you saw me so turn around so I can phase back."
"Nope. I want a ride."
"What?! Show and tell is over little bro." As usual he didn't listen. He hopped on my back as if I didn't just try to rip our dad apart.
"Will!" I whined."I almost attacked dad a few hours ago. Mom and dad are going to be pissed."
"Then we won't tell them Sisi, now let's go!" He said so excited that it made me laugh. I ran through the forest as fast as I could. I heard him giggle.
"Don't you think its about time to go home Sarah?" Sammy said.
"Have you been there the whole time? I really need to get better at this." I said that last part more to myself. I saw in his mind that he just phased in. I was too busy having fun to notice. I slowed down to a trot but I didn't stop. I was a little embarrassed to have him in my mind after the way I acted.
"You don't need to feel embarrassed. Those boys get on my nerves too. I'm making Henry run patrol all weekend as punishment."
"Thanks Sammy." I was starting to feel very shy again but thankfully Will interrupted us.
"Faster Sarah! You can do better than this!" He complained.
"I think you've been having a little bit too much fun. Shouldn't you both be in bed?" I saw in his mind that he was glad I was finally having fun in wolf form but he was worried that Will was with me. He was concerned for my little brother. I couldn't even be annoyed with it. I was touched.
"She's doing fine Sammy. I got her back." Liam told him. I was surprised again. I knew Liam could hear me but I didn't know he could hear Sammy. I was surprised they could hear each other while Liam was in his bird form.
"We can all hear each other Sisi."
"You made us one pack again." Liam informed me. I saw in his mind how the entire pack had a meeting about me. They were all in animal form and they were all able to communicate with one another.
"Except me. I couldn't hear them that time. I only hear when you're phased too." Will informed me.
"So you all met behind my back to talk about me?" I felt the anger rise and I stopped running.
"Cool it Sarah! You still got your baby brother on your back." Liam reminded me.
"Its ok Sarah." Will told me and then he leaned forward and hugged my neck. I could see him through Liam's eyes. He was so adorable. I instantly relaxed. I loved my baby brother too much to risk him getting hurt.
"I love you too Sisi." He told me. Sammy showed up at that moment. He surprised me. I instantly felt protective and I growled at him.
"I would never hurt either of you. You know that." I did know that. It was just hard to control myself in this form, especially when he surprised me like that. I hated that I wasn't in control like the other wolves, in fact, I didn't feel like the other wolves did. This body felt foreign to me. It was like I had my mind but the wolf had my emotions and reactions.
"It will probably be like that for a while. You didn't exactly have an easy experience phasing. Maybe some part of your brain is rejecting it because you had so much pain." Liam suggested. He flew down from the branch he was on and phased to his wolf form right before he touched the ground. It was pretty cool to watch.
"Maybe." I said but I was doubtful. "Alright. I think I'm ready to go back home."
"Good. Lina is waiting for us. She said she'd have a real breakfast ready and that I was to apologize and bring you straight home." Liam informed me. I wasn't sure if that was his apology because it definitely didn't sound like one.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you. I think I'm still a bit overwhelmed with everything that's happened I still have a hard time controlling my own wolf and I'm really worried about you but its no excuse. I should have been more supportive." He told me. I nodded my head in agreement.
"Aren't you going to forgive me?" He asked me and gave me the wolf version of puppy dog eyes.
"Family always forgives, Sisi." Will reminded me. I rolled my eyes at both of them.
"I forgive you. Jerk…" I mumbled that last part and then I licked his face.
"Gee thanks." He told me. I giggled and then I turned to look at Sammy.
"You want some breakfast?"
"Um. Sure." He said. He was surprised that I included him. He shouldn't have been surprised. Other than Liam and Lina, he was the only one who's been nice to me. I really liked Sammy. Liam did a mental throat clear and then I realized our minds were still connected.
"Let's get some breakfast." Liam said quickly.
"You ready, Will?" Liam asked my little brother trying to cover for me.
"Yep. Go fast. Make the last one count, Sisi." The three of us raced through the forest together. I could feel Sammy's embarrassment at my remark but I could also feel something else. It wasn't negative.
"I'm flattered, Sarah." He told me. A new wave of embarrassment took over me.
"Don't be embarrassed Sarah. I like you too." He said but I could tell that it was not the same. We got to the house, changed in the outdoor changing rooms, and went in for breakfast.
"Liam Clearwater! I thought I told you to bring her straight home!" Lina yelled in an angry whispered voice that was comical.
"Relax! She was having fun with Will. Besides, she did good this time. I think she's getting the hang of it." I grinned at her and then laughed at her annoyed expression.
"What the hell is going on here?" Collin said in a sleepy voice. His room was on the main floor so we woke him up with all the noise.
"Breakfast! You want some?" Lina asked him offering a plate full of pancakes smothered in syrup as a peace offering for waking him. He looked at all of us suspiciously. Then he took the pancakes and went back to his room.
"Keep it down!" He said before he shut the door. We all started laughing and had our breakfast at the family table. After breakfast, I took Will back to bed and then headed downstairs. Sammy was saying his goodbyes.
"You leaving?" I asked him. I was trying to hide my disappointment. It was nice to have him hang out with us.
"Yeah. I was only supposed to be out for a quick run. Mom will be pissed if I'm not there when she wakes."
"Please. I've never seen aunt Em get mad." Liam told him.
"You'd be surprised. Pregnant women are crazy. Bye guys, thanks for inviting me." We gave us a wave and walked out the door.
"Sammy Uley having breakfast with bloodsuckers. Scandalous! What was he doing here anyway?" Lina teased as she sat. Over the summer, she finally figured out I had a crush on him. I made her swear not to think about it when she phased but now the secret is out regardless.
"Sarah invited him, after admitting she liked him. You really gotta get that your wolf-out down before you phase with your crush." Lina laughed at me. I had my arms crossed and I was very sure I was pouting.
"Yeah, at least Chris couldn't hear my thoughts." She said sadly. She always got a sad expression when she talked about Chris.
"No you just told him instead." I grumbled but I wasn't really upset. I was the opposite. I forgot how much I missed this, the three of us, talking, teasing.
"It was brave and romantic so watch it!" She said and threw a pillow at me which I easily caught.
"I really missed this." I was overcome with emotion as soon as I said the words.
"Hey." Liam said and he came over to where I was sitting and sat next to me. He put his arms around me and the tears that were threatening to come finally spilled.
"All summer… We always spend our summers together but, I felt like you guys forgot about me. Like you had a new family with your pack and I just didn't fit in it. I never fit in. You guys barely came to visit me." My voice was off. I was trying not to cry.
"We wanted to come visit more but it was hard to find time. We're both still getting used to this whole new pack thing and there were a lot of training sessions. You'll see when you start training." Liam told me.
"So you couldn't find time for me. You must be happy that I finally phased, now I am convenient for you and inconvenient for everyone else." For some reason that made Lina angry. She got up from her chair and started yelling at me.
"Screw everyone else! Yes. We could have made more time Sarah but that door swings both ways. Why didn't you come visit us, that's right because as always you are sticking your head in the ground like a coward!" Liam and I sat there, shocked, but my anger made me recover quickly. How could she, of all people, say that to me?!
"I am not a coward! You saw what happened last time I visited. They picked on me. They are the reason I had to change schools. Why are you always taking their side? Why do you always prefer them over us?"
"Prefer? I don't prefer them! I was forced to like them. They were the only ones I had left! Did you think it was easy for me seeing you both forget about me just because I phased? I had to made friends with those guys. They are my pack and you alienated me because of it and got yourself a new best friend."
"Don't bring Mac into this! I think you were glad to finally get rid of me. That way you didn't have to defend me and you could go back to your real friends."
"How can you say that to me?!" She used her shriek-like high pitch voice that meant she was getting upset. Good!
"Because we did try to include you but you're the one who insisted on bringing them to everything we invited you to do. We wanted to hand out with you not them. Its like you didn't even care about what they did to me."
"Of course I care! But you need to understand that those boys are idiots. The milk thing. They do that to each other all the time. Hell, they threw balloons full of orange juice at me after you guys left! That's what they do Sarah! It doesn't mean that they are excused for their behavior because they've said some pretty hurtful things to you and, yes, they did it because you are half vampire but even though they are bigots, they don't actually want anything to happen to you. You felt them. You felt how worried they were about you." She was right but it only made me more annoyed. Liam had been pretty quiet the whole time. I looked at him but he just shrugged.
"Look, I wanted you guys back in my life but I knew that we all had to figure out a way to get you all to get along or I would never get you two back! You two don't know how difficult it was to be without you. I was just trying to get all of you to like each other. The boys are jerks but at least they were making an effort. They were the ones who agreed to come hang out with us and you two flat out refused. I had to trick you two go!"
"Yea and look at how well that turned out." I hissed at her.
"Only because you let him get to you! They say stupid shit all the time. If you finally grew a pair and stood up for yourself maybe you wouldn't have been out in the rain like some little drama queen. You always make yourself the victim when you are more powerful than all of us put together!"
"You think I am a drama queen? Who the hell is yelling and probably waking up the whole house?!" I said in a low angry voice.
"Frankly I think you're both being drama queens." Liam finally spoke up.
"Shut up!" We both said simultaneously.
"No. I won't shut up. Look at you both. Do you hear yourselves? Oh, you excluded me, oh got new friends, oh you guys forgot about me. We are a family, damn it! We're the three freaking musketeers, remember that?! Three peas, one pod, that's us. Its always been the three of us, we can't turn on each other now."
"It hasn't been the three of us for a while, Liam. I think we need to face the fact that it won't always be the three of us. You two are still in middle school and I start high school. For all we know, you two will probably imprint on immortals and what about me? You'll both leave me in this reservation just like you did before." Lina said with a sad expression.
"Where did that come from?" I asked her, surprised by her train of thought. Liam sighed.
"Who do you think? Henry. We had a little discussion with that retard. Lina defended you and he berated her for taking your side when her destiny is here with them in the rez and ours is with the Cullens as immortals. He's such an idiot. I can't believe you actually listened that stupid shit."
"What makes you so sure you'll imprint on a mortal? We could all imprint on immortals or mortals." I reminded her.
"Sam was wrong about a lot of things but he was right about one. There will always be a divide between the immortal wolves and the mortal ones. Some of us will have to learn to be human again while the rest will go on with their immortal families. What if its me that imprints on a human? It makes sense. I'm the only one with human parents. What if I'm the one who has to learn to live without you? I am so sick of being the odd man out in our little trio." She slumped on the couch with a sad expression. I felt sorry for yelling at her.
"How are you the odd man out? I am the one whose mom is a vampire." I asked, trying to be sympathetic.
"Yes your mom is a vampire and his dad is a bird. You both have a little something extra in your dna. You're both special. My parents, on the other hand, are both humans who have a wolf gene, just like everybody else in the pack. I fit in with the pack but they are not the ones I want to fit in with. I don't give a damn about them. I care about us, and out of the three of us, I am the odd man out. I don't want you guys to imprint and leave me behind like Henry said."
"I really don't understand why you girls are so afraid of imprinting. Personally, I'm looking forward to it. Imprinting is supposed to be about finding your soul mate." Liam said.
"You only say that because you're 13 and you've never had a crush on anyone. Wait till you really like somebody and you realize you can't be with her because she's not your imprint."
"I'm not going to have a crush on anyone. I'm waiting for my imprint."
"What if your imprint isn't born for 50 years? What if we imprint and have families for the all that time and you don't?" I asked him.
"What if you imprint on a mortal and have to turn back human while we live forever with our families?" Lina added.
"I mean, I don't want any of that to happen. You guys are like my sisters but things change. I mean, look at me and Harry. I always thought the Clearwater boys would be a forever thing but Harry got married and moved on with his mate. Its something we had to deal with but we never stopped being brothers and if we," he pointed to all of us, "get separated, we'll deal with it too. We can't keep stressing about something that we can't control. What if only one of us imprints on an immortal? What if one of us doesn't imprint? Are we supposed to wait forever, like Collin or do we give up and try love on our own like uncle Embry? There's a lot of what ifs when it comes to imprinting? If we worry about it now we'll go nuts." Liam said.
"It doesn't really matter because when we do imprint none of this will be important will it? It won't be about the three musketeers anymore." I told them. We were all quiet for a while.
"This is depressing!" Liam complained.
"I know." I agreed.
"Let's promise each other that no matter what, we will have each other's backs. We will make an effort to stay together or live close to each other regardless of who we imprint on. No more twosomes. I don't want to be like our parents with half the family on one state and the other half in another state. We are the three musketeers for as long as we live, human or not, no matter what." Lina looked at us with hope in her eyes. I liked her idea.
"I like that plan. Three peas, one pod. No matter what." I extended my hand. Lina immediately took it and Liam rolled his eyes but then he put his hand over ours.
"No matter what." He agreed.