A/N: This is all crack. Heard Big Balls and it just had to be written. A crack fic per usual.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Supernatural or ACDC with Big Balls.
"Grow a pair." Dean sounded annoyed as Cas looked at him. Dean was in a bar trying to pick up a 'chick,' not that Cas understood why he would go to a bar to pick up fowl. He had looked over the bar to see if there were any on the floor there, but had failed to find any. So he looked at Dean, who was talking to a young woman that didn't look like she was in the fowl business. He wanted Dean to follow him outside but Dean had been ignoring him.
"Grow what, Dean?" He tried to look as if he was used to these places. When a girl grabbed his rear he just turned and looked at her before telling her she had daddy issues.
"A pair of balls, Cas." Cas looked at Dean in bewilderment. Clearly he didn't get it and Dean wasn't about to explain. So there was only one way to find out what Dean was speaking about. Cas turned to the woman that still had her hand on his rear.
"I was told to grow a pair. Can you help me?" The girl laughed as she grabbed his index finger and started sucking on it. Cas tilted his head as he looked at her wondering how that would help him to grow a pair.
"I can surely try hunk." Cas took a step back as he wondered who Hunk was.
"My name is Castiel. I have no idea who Hunk is, but if you need help to find him let me know." That made the girl laugh and once more Cas wondered what he didn't understand.
"Lets go somewhere private and I can help you." Cas smiled to the girl and let her lead him out of the bar towards a parked car. She opened the door and told Cas to get in on the back seat. Cas had no idea how growing a pair could be done on the backseat of a car. If he had known he would have grown a pair a long time ago since he spent a lot of time in the backseat of the Impala.
"Undo you trousers." Cas just followed orders as it was clear she knew a lot about growing a pair. He looked at her puzzled at what his trousers had to do growing a pair. Still she looked like she knew what she was doing. "Lean back Castiel and I'll help you." Moments later she did something that made him grunt and try and move away.
"How can this help me grow a pair?" Then she made his entire world explode. Moments later he was panting as the girl giggled. "Now what?"
"Your turn lover boy." Cas looked at her, uncertain what he should do seeing she was missing a bit. That bit. He looked at her with a slight panic in his eyes. Before she sighed and pushed him back into the seat. "You don't like going down on girls?"
"Going down? I thought we were growing a pair." It was the girls turn to tilt her head before she started laughing. "What?"
"You really are clueless aren't you?" Cas had no idea what to say to that so he kept his mouth shut. He really needed to grow a pair since Dean had said he needed them. Cas was still sure it was a hunter thing but as much as he wanted to be more like Dean.
"Will I need fertilizer?"
"Growing a pair. Isn't it like growing tomatoes?" The laughter the girl made stopped Cas from talking. He just looked at her as she shook her head.
"No not exactly. You do have a pair of balls." She grabbed them as Cas tried not to move. "They aren't even blue anymore." Cas looked down on her hand idly wondering if he had ever noticed them being blue. He looked at her.
"Thank you for helping me grow a pair." He sounded very serious and he really meant it. "I need to get back." He looked at the girls hands as she dressed him.
"Go on. I'll find someone else." She got out after Cas. Cas left the car and went back inside to the bar. Dean was no longer there so he left the place and walked over tot he hotel room they had booked. On the door handle was tied a tie. Cas undid the tie and grab the door handle. He walked in and heard Dean and a girl make some sounds that he could recognize from the movie with the pizza man and the baby sitter. Cas walked over to the bed and just sat down on the edge.
"Dean I have grown a pair and they are not blue anymore." The snort from both Dean and the girl made Cas look at them. He tilted his head and tried to make heads and tails of what was going on in the bed.
"Cas congratulations. Now fuck off. Didn't you see the tie on the door handle?
"I did, I brought it inside with me."
"Leave. NOW!" After that Cas stayed away for a long time. Chicks weren't birds and growing a pair wasn't what it sounded like. One thing he did know. He had a pain and they were big balls.