I stared at my phone's screen, feeling haunted by a lie. Was it a sign or just a coincidence? It didn't matter. Whatever it was, it could've been nothing. Nobody would like a girl such as I.
Feeling totally convinced, I decided to do one last cut. I stared at the blood surfacing on its opening, letting me think of my wrathful vengeance towards myself.
I settled the blade on my table and sighed. Cutting gave me temporary forgiveness which only lasted for a few minutes or seconds. Killing myself would have been the best way to seek penance. Nonetheless, something terrible kept on stopping me from doing that.
I raised my hand then stared at the bleeding cuts on my wrist. "Lovely," I whispered with a blank face then laid myself on my bed as I stared at the ceiling.
My wrist was aching, but it only meant repentance to me.
I closed my eyes and remembered Fuuto's when I raised my voice at him. He looked so surprised and worried.
Somebody knocked upon my door and I decided to cover my new wound by putting bracelets around it before opening my room's entrance. The bracelets caused more pain.
I opened the door and my stepmom smiled at me.
"Hey," she greeted with an awkward smile. I raised my eyebrow at her.
"What do you want?"
She gently ran her right hand to her left arm and looked like she was very shy.
"It's time to eat."
I went out of my room and followed her to the dining hall. We settled down to our seats. "Well, this is awkward," I whispered to myself as I started putting food on my plate.
My younger sister and my stepmom watched me. It was awfully silent and I wasn't interested enough to go along with them. As soon as I finished serving myself, I quickly ate my meal.
The two people beside me observed me as if I were an alien on the dining table. I didn't mind them at all. After that, I left them and went to my room. I pondered about what my friend had said.
Why wouldn't I stop cutting? Simple, it's because I wanted to kill myself slowly. I was torturing myself in such a way: bathing my wrist's skin with blood and enjoying it.
I closed my door and locked it, isolating myself from them. I went to the bathroom then brushed my teeth and splashed water to my face. Looking at the mirror, I stared at my reflection.
"What a hideous beast," I told myself as an agonized look pitied my face.
I took the towel placed on a metal and used it to wipe away the liquids on my face. Finished, I went out of the bathroom and settled myself on my bed. The comfort it gave was like the comfort of hands patting my back in a very loving manner.
It was still early yet I wanted to sleep. I forced myself more into my blanket and made myself comfortable around.
"How he looked like a while ago... How she looked at me... Their eyes were terrifying," I whispered as I braced myself.
I tossed and turned around my bed. I reminisced about the days when we were still a happy family. Our real mother, dad, Aoi, Hikari and I used to be together a lot. Among all of us, I was the one who didn't actually interact the most. I never expressed my feelings for them. I barely did.
I closed my eyes, letting the darkness swallow my sight. That was how life was to me - a cave full of darkness. There was no entrance nor exit. I was just there all alone with darkness ready to keep me away from the world.
I pursed my lips and sealed my voice.
I had no right to have them. I had no right to breathe. I had no right to live. I was a failure and that guilt was going to hang around my neck forever, enough to wrap itself around me and suffocate me.
Morning came and I prepared for school. On the way, Hikari gazed at me then looked away. The activity went on for a while until I finally decided to ask her.
"Nothing," she said as sweat formed on her temples. I raised my eyebrow at her.
"Someone texted me last night, asking me to stop whatever I was doing," I uttered as I looked at the path we were taking. "Do you have any idea who it was? The number isn't familiar to me," I added and I could sense that she tensed up.
"I'm starting to miss Aoi. Don't you?" she answered and I looked at her. She was smiling nervously. The corners of her lips weren't steady. Her eyebrows were not in a rainbow-shaped manner. She was lying. It was written all over her face.
"Hikari..." I looked at her seriously.
"The only ones who know about my addiction to cutting are Aoi, Mai and you. Did you tell anyone?"
She shook her head in response.
"Anyone?" I pressed in.
"I only asked him to text you, I swear!" she raised her hands in defense.
"Fuuto. He's your friend, right?"
A moment of silence occurred and I didn't know whether I should scare my sister off or just let her get away with this. Arriving at the school we attended to, she kept on looking at me.
"Are you mad at me?"
I looked at her by the corner of my eye. "Give me a reason why I shouldn't be."
She gave me a horrible expression of feeling down and I could've sworn that I was greatly affected by it. The last person I wanted to lose was my sister.
"Never mind. I'm not mad. Now, go away," I tried to act like a tough person in order to put walls around my real self.
Suddenly, someone playfully hit me by the back using the palm of his hand.
"What the-" turning around, I saw Fuuto with a mischievous smile. His sister, along with a redheaded man, passed by the two of us. Well, we were still by the school gates.
"There goes your woman swept away by another man," I teased him with a blank expression.
He glared at me then calmed himself.
"So, it was really for your little sister, huh?" he referred to the photo with his autograph.
I nodded my head and he smirked.
"What were you doing last night?" he asked. I looked away.
"I was eating the food that she bought for herself," I created a false statement and it seemed like he bought it.
"What kind of sister are you? You're bullying her," he uttered.
"Why? Is your sister not like that too? Or are you too drowned in her charms to even notice it?" was my response and he threw me a raged look.