Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the characters of his universe, I just play in that sandbox for fun and without pay or any form of remuneration other than reviews and private messages; which are fortunately non-taxable.

AN: Tremendous ideas people, and thanks for all the reviews I've been getting per chapter; simply amazing the ideas. It really makes me smile to know that I'm making people burst out laughing in public; it makes my slightly evil side cackle maniacally. So I'm looking for information from canon that I can't seem to find and I figured I'd release the question to the HP fandom, Harry's only recorded canon instances of accidental magic were: turning his teacher's hair blue, regrowing his own hair after his aunt cut it, apparition to the school roof, and blowing up his aunt, correct? Anyway, keep up those great ideas and I'll keep the story going. For the record, Harry isn't going to get very long in the muggle world before we see him gaining access to the magical; so don't think that this is one of those stories where he is going to become phenomenal-cosmic-powers in an itty bitty living space before getting to Hogwarts. That's right, I'm saving that until Hogwarts! Just kidding. Keep those ideas coming and hope you enjoy the chapter. Cheers!

AN: Not beta read.

'Thoughts are in italics'

"Things Said, or Things Written"

Chapter 5: Every Battle Needs An Exacting Plan

"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid," Harry cursed at himself as he carried the last of the nine unconscious and happily drugged Kneazles into the house and dumped the large black Kneazle onto the pile of other happily high felines.

"Cat is even in the bloody name, bloody Catnip. Bloody marvelous." Harry shook his head at his own obliviousness to what in hindsight was perfectly clear. Not having played a video game before nor having faced any of these stupid missions in his last go through, he realized that his learning curve would continue to be right and properly steep.

"Bloody learning cliff, I know, let's make a game and see how many times we can make Harry go through life ending or bodily harming tasks, only to tell him the solution after he's already figured it out the hard way!" Harry sarcastically groused to himself as he stomped out of Ms. Figg's back porch area. Apparently the programmer was so lazy that the rest of the house didn't even exist, and all that Harry could enter was a cloakroom or mud area in the back of the house before hitting a solid wall with a pixilated door painted on it.

Harry's foot hit the ground outside the house and received a new message from the game.

"Ding! Mission Successful! 200 Experience awarded and +10 Care of Magical Creatures. Level Up!"

Harry read through a summary of what his hard work had earned him and a smile threatened to show on his face, yet was halted by the thought that next up was his battle with Mr. Tibbles.

"Still, if catnip worked on the other kneazles—" Harry paused his statement while he scrolled his eyes up and down the possible options while in the back of his head possibilities for how to defeat Mr. Tibbles danced in his head.

Level 6:


Health: 19/19

Magic: 400/400

Ability points to be allocated: 4


Strength: 12

Dexterity: 12

Constitution: 6

Intelligence: 17

Wisdom: 10

Charisma: 8 +(2)

Skill Points to Allocate:41


Armor Wearing: 5

Care of Magical Creatures: 15

Charms: 10 +(5)

Dancing: 3

Dual-Wielding: 15

French language: 9

Flirting: 5

Herbology: 6

Lock-Picking: 31

Muggle Subjects: 100

Pick-pocket: 6

Potioneering: 10

Ranged: 100

Sneak: 100

Two-Handed: 3

Unarmed: 3

Comprehending The Incomprehensible.

Arrr, Yer a Pirate!

I Have The Power

Are You Threatening Me?!

Perk Points available: 1


"Hair Like Snape"

"Lemon-Drop Addiction"

"A Black Gene"

"A Summer Job"

"Ninja Vanish!"

"Creature Comfort"

"There Are Some Who Call Me—Tim"

"It Was An Accident!"

"Dog-gone'it, People Like Me."


Cooking: Master Chef

Harry looked first at his abilities and then down at his skill points and smiled as he was really racking up the number of skill points available, so Intelligence was tempting for putting points into. But in the back of his mind Harry was thinking about the lesson he'd learned from the tutorial and from dealing with the kneazles; sometimes you couldn't face an enemy straight on and win. That certainly had held true for Voldemort after the bastard had regained his body, and it had been the same for dealing with the Basilisk and even the dragon.

'When I think about it, I've never been able to stand toe to toe with the big enemies. It's always been working around them and working the angle that let me survive, and then just by the skin of my teeth at that.' Harry thought to himself as he scratched his chin and looked at his options and actually gave himself a moment to think.

Now a non-ambitious, small-of-wit, mundane or muggle human of about age fourteen or fifteen who had dropped out of high school and basically didn't do anything with their lives but live in their parent's basement, they would probably have had an intelligence of somewhere less than 6. At age 4, this Harry Potter had an Intelligence score of 17, which should mean that it wouldn't come as a complete shock that every now and then Harry would come up with a good idea.

Harry's eyes shot wide open as his hand that had been tapping his chin stopped just as his mouth dropped open, and he paused; the gears in his brain churning at furious speeds as if he had two hamsters spinning on their wheels rather than just one.

"If I max out strength." Harry stated before pausing, his mouth closing with a snap as his hand flicked up to where the inventory tab was showing floating in his vision, and the inventory trunk was suddenly superimposed in front of his face.

Soon the weapons tab was opened and Harry looked at the fist sized River Rocks he had shoveled into his trunk, showing he had ammunition of 3841 River Rocks available.

"Ranged attack: Negative 1 to hit due to nonstandard form, 5 Damage plus strength," Harry read the description of the River Rocks and smiled, his idea coming together.

Harry quickly looked at the perks tab and read through the new perks that had become available, just checking to make sure that his course of action shouldn't vary based on the new options. What he first saw made him salivate, but he was still going to stick with the plan.

"There Are Some Who Call Me—Tim," Was an impressive perk indeed and it made Harry's budding pyromaniac side drool. "Back in the depths of time, during the reign of King Arthur and his Knights of Camelot lived a wizard devoted to the wielding of all things fire magic, and this mighty mage's name was—Tim. This perk becomes available after choosing "Are You Threatening Me?!" and is the next step in gaining true mastery over fire based magic. By becoming the heir to the great wizard Tim you gain the ability to launch Fireballs from your magical foci and immolate your foes with the Flaming Pillars of Fire; the capital letters are important to note. Perk power requires a wand or magical foci. By choosing this spell you gain the "Fireball" and "Pillar of Fire" spells which are special to this perk; also all fire related spells take half the magic they normally would to cast or overpower."

Harry almost broke down and bought that perk right there and then, but instead slapped himself in the face to bring back his focus before wiping the drool off his chin.

"Focus Harry! Focus! You can get that perk later when you actually have a wand and can use it." Harry told himself, taking a big breath of air to calm himself before focusing on the other two new perks.

"It Was An Accident!" Harry read, his eyes panning over the perk and smiling at a very fond memory of a Marge Dursley blowing up into a blimp like state and flying out the kitchen doors. The perk read, "Is accidental magic really accidental if you control the outcome? This perk increases your chance of having boughts of accidental magic by 50%. Additionally, 25% of the time your magic does act 'accidentally' something positive for you will happen. Of course you don't have full control over your wandless magic yet so 25% of the time something negative will happen; the other 50% is a crapshoot. Still, this is the first step to controlling your magic without needing a wand, so who wants to plan some accidents?"

Harry made a mental note to look at that perk again sometime in the future but stated "No" for that perk also and looked at the last one.

"Dog-gone'it, People Like Me," was definitely a perk for the type of person who wanted to talk their way out of a situation, or into somebody's pants, and it probably explain why Sirius Black had been known as a lady's man back in the day despite his being widely known as a cad and immature prankster. Memories of his godfather made him smile while he continued to read the perk. "Dogs are a man's best friend, or a woman's in most cases where diamonds or credit cards aren't available. With this perk you gain the power of the "Puppy Dog Eyes." When you fail a conversation and don't get your way the Puppy Dog Eyes power allows you to unleash the power of pure cuteness in an attempt to melt the person's heart and have them follow your will. You also gain a +5 to Charisma."

The perk wasn't going to help Harry with Mr. Tibbles, and it also brought to mind the fact that Sirius was currently wrongfully imprisoned. That part made him frown, but the invisible walls around this stupid tutorial zone made that point mute as he had to get out of the level before he could even think about helping Sirius.

And standing between the end of the level and Harry was Mr. Tibbles.

"One point to Intelligence so I can gain another skill point, three to strength to up it to 15 so the rock's hopefully do close to 20 damage, don't assign any skill points, and for a perk I choose Ninja Vanish!" Harry finished the last part with a smirk.

Mr. Tibbles wouldn't know what hit him, literally.

…Ok, hopefully. Maybe at best.

Harry saved the game outside the hedge that hid the kneazle arena and the mission "Nine Lives" starring the evil kitten known simply as Mr. Tibbles.

"Whew, I can do this." Harry inhaled a big breath, steeled himself, let out the air he had been holding in, and then sprinted through the hedges so that he could get to the mission before he lost his nerve.

Harry shoved his way through the hedge, armed his River Rocks in his right hand, and punched the mission exclamation point while ignoring the stirring in the kneazles in the arena's tiers above him.

"Here kitty kitty." Harry started, a resolute look on his face that wavered for a moment as the thorny gate across from him dropped into the earth and the thuds of Mr. Tibble's footsteps vibrated through the kitty litter spread beneath his feet.

"Come on Mr. Tibbles—and please don't eat my face this time." Harry's quiet voice quivered as the cute kitten with the pink bow exited the shadows and sat across from Harry and once again began to lick its dainty paw just like the last time Harry had died a horrible death in the arena.

Harry called up his inventory, and while he frantically dug through his inventory for his supply of catnip, the game intruded on his search.

"Mr. Tibbles attacks with Baleful Glare! Instant Death in Two Rounds."

"Shite! Shadow perk don't fail me now!" Harry yipped as a cold sweat broke out on his forehead and in his armpits as his hand finally closed around a clump of catnip.

Harry jerked his hand out of his inventory and reared back his hand that held the catnip.

Time slowed down for just an instant as Harry aimed his throw towards Mr. Tibbles, all the while quietly praying, "Don't pee myself, don't pee myself, don't pee myself and please let this Work!" The last was said with a grunt of effort as he released his green clump of leafy cat narcotics at his tormentor.

The leafy projectile seemed to glide through the air in slow motion.

Mr. Tibbles stopped grooming his paw mid lick and turned his head to glare at Harry, and Harry watched in slow motion as claws slowly slipped from said dainty paw.

"I'm-still-a-virgin-don't-kill-me!" Harry rapidly screamed in fear and his eyes went large as he ducked and covered while mentally kissing his arse goodbye.

Just as the catnip hit Mr. Tibbles in the face.

"Catnip Activated!"

A minute passed before Harry peaked out of from under his hands to see why he hadn't been shredded yet, and he was secretly glad that he hadn't peed himself. That's when he saw what was equally parts the scariest and cutest sight he had ever seen.

"Mrow." The slightly befuddled sound slipped out of the white kitten's throat as Mr. Tibbles looked glassy eyed, big kitten eyes blinking and cute little pink nose twitching for almost thirty seconds with his clawed paw still held in the air.

"Baleful Glare canceled! Lost sight of target!" The words flashed before the crouching Harry's eyes and hope began to grow in Harry.

Harry kept his focus on Mr. Tibbles, looking for any type of reaction.

A reaction is what he got.

"Mreow! Purrrrrrrr," Mr. Tibbles' eyes focused down to the catnip on the ground and the little kitten pounced on it and began to rub his face deep into the catnip before closing his eyes and nuzzling the clump of greenery.

"Awe, how cute." Slipped from Harry's mouth, only for him to realize what he had said and slap himself.

"No, bad Harry! Bad. Evil cute kitten must die." Harry derided himself, giving himself a slap to the face again as he slowly crept around behind the now snoozing kitten and into the shadows of the tunnel entrance where Tibbles had originally entered.

A quiet 'whoosh' sound prefaced Harry's stealthy entrance into the shadows, and Harry quietly chuckled as his Ninja Vanish perk activated.

"Stats." Harry whispered, and sure enough, the hiding in the shadows added an additional +20 to Harry's sneak skill thanks to the perk; an extra 20 points that stacked on top of his already 100 maxed out sneak skill.

Harry looked down at his hand while in the shadows, or at least where his now invisible hand should have been, and then grinned evilly as he reared back with the River Rock that was still in his other hand, and aimed at the comatose Mr. Tibbles' head.

"With all these perks and bonuses, this should finish off that cat." Harry said with an evil chuckle, before releasing the stone right at Mr. Tibbles' head.

"River Rock Misses!"

"Shite!" Harry screamed, rightly so because in an instant Mr. Tibbles was no longer comatose but instead looking right at the shadows of the gate.

Mr. Tibbles's cute little nose sniffed twice, and his eyes focused right on where Harry was hiding even though Tibbles couldn't see Harry.

"You made Mr. Tibbles Angry! Mr. Tibbles counter attacks!"

Neighbors throughout Little Whinging cringed as the air was suddenly split by the sounds of a child screaming as his genitals were introduced to the equivalent of a cute and cuddly woodchipper.

Harry attempted the mission another three times and failed painfully each and every one of them. He tried several different ways of gaining initiative or attacking tibbles from the shadows and failed miserably.

Harry tried hitting the mission start and then sprinting for the side of the gate where he crouched and pressed his back against the wall until Mr. Tibbles entered the arena. A quick step into the shadows and then attacked with both of his switchblades, however Harry instead saw Mr. Tibbles show Harry the true meaning of the "Sewing machine" attack via tiny teeth and claws stitching a path up and down Harry's body.

Harry attempted a second time by sprinting for the shadows and then hid in them as Mr. Tibbles passed, only for Tibbles to sniff Harry out.

Thus Harry learned the lesson that sometimes battles with video game bosses was all about the timing. Also of note was that getting within two feet of Mr. Tibbles was the equivalent of being within two feet of a nuclear explosion.

In short, after that little fiasco there wasn't a lot left of Harry, but at least he had died quickly.

Harry tried the mission again but this time he tried to nail Mr. Tibbles with the Catnip at the exact moment the cat exited the shadows.

Unfortunately for Harry, his "Woot!" of success was a bit premature.

Apparently a stoned and high Mr. Tibbles was in the habit of using his scratching post when drugged on catnip. Due to the fact that Mr. Tibbles had left his scratching post at home, the kitten decided to use Harry as a substitute as Harry attempted to sneak by the stoned kitten into the shadows to gain his attack bonuses.

"The catnip is the key." Harry groused as he picked himself up off the dark floor of the menu screen and reloaded his saved game after the third failure.

"Hmm, maybe if I get the catnip set up in the path of Tibbles it will automatically trigger when the little demon cat gets in range?" Harry mumbled to himself as he entered the arena from the hedge lined path.

Harry threw his catnip where he knew Mr. Tibbles would show up then hit the exclamation point for the Nine Lives mission.

"Yes!" Harry cheered his success the moment the kitten exited the shadows and immediately pounced on the catnip before entering a drugged state.

The only problem was that Mr. Tibbles was again right next to the shadowed area, and Harry had already learned the problem with getting too close to the kitten.

"Shite! Reload." Harry groused, kicking the kitty litter at his feet and reloading from his saved game.

The world around Harry blurred and once again he was outside the bushes.

"Fiddle, liddle, stupid, mother, pus bucket and Helga Hufflepuff's hairy nipples." Harry cursed under his breath as he stomped through the hedges.

"So drop the catnip in the center of the arena, wait till Tibbles is stoned, crouch to dodge the baleful glare, hope that Are You Threatening Me doesn't trigger and miss, sneak into the shadows and then try to hit the little kitten in its freaking little head!" Harry started talking through his plan of attack only to get frustrated at the idea of trying to headshot a kitten that was only about twelve centimeters tall; roughly half a foot.

"Fuzzball from hell's head is only the size of a bloody apple, would be bloody easier if its head was the size of Dobby's." Harry grumbled to himself while briefly thinking about his onetime stalker, onetime friend, Dobby the house elf. Harry would never contemplate throwing stones at Dobby, well, except for that time Dobby tried to kill him with a Bludger. Still, Dobby was a perfect example of a small creature with a nice melon sized target for a head.

Harry kept going over the shear impossibility of winning this battle and the size of the target he had to hit, with a River Rock that gave -1 to hit at that, when he got stuck on the thought of the size of the kitten's head right as he got in front of the mission exclamation point.

"Wait a second." Harry paused, his hand a mere inch from touching the exclamation point as the thoughts in his head churned at the speed of dual hamsters.

Harry's eyes went large, and then his head tipped back in a cackle.

"Bwa ha ha ha ha ha! Options menu! Cheat Codes! Activate Bobble-Heads." Harry's evil cackling filled the arena. Apparently dying so many times to a kitten, and to old lady librarians before that, was having an adverse effect on Harry's sanity.

"Beep! Bobble-Heads activated."

Harry felt a sensation as if he had suddenly grown a foot as the ground was suddenly further away from where he looked down at it, yet his hands and body appeared to stay the same size as his original four year old frame.

Touching his face Harry griped at the effect of the cheat code.

"Feels like I'm trying to smuggle coconuts in my cheeks. Woah! Steady now." Harry shook his head in exasperation after feeling his cheeks and forehead that had swollen to about ten times the size they were before. Unfortunately by shaking his head, his vision started to bobble around as the Bobble-Head spring effect happened and his world pivoted from side to side; the weight of his head causing Harry to stumble from his left to his right until he finally steadied out.

Harry slowly turned his body and bent backwards so that his head wouldn't shake, and he looked up at the kneazles in the audience only to see that all of them looked like they had suddenly grown a thyroid problem; each cat and kneazle looked like they had an extra-large pumpkin or watermelon sized head and it was more than a little creepy considering they kept their same small cat-sized bodies.

Harry smiled and nodded to himself, only to feel his head bob forward, the weight of it dragging him forward into the exclamation point and starting the mission.

"Woah nelly, stop the world I want to get off!" Harry grabbed both sides of his wobbling head and held it steady just as the gates crashed down in front of him and the thud's of Mr. Tibble's feet echoed across the gladiatorial arena.

"Eep! Inventory, come on catnip don't fail me now." Harry finally got his head under control grabbed the catnip out of the inventory and threw it into the center of the arena just as the giant head of Mr. Tibbles pierced the veil of shadows that was the opposite entrance into the arena.

Unfortunately, throwing things caused Harry's head to wibble wobble again.

Fortunately, the catnip landed right where it needed to, and Mr. Tibbles proceeded to the center of the arena and then immediately 'Glomp' the catnip the moment his now large pink nose smelled it.

"Catnip Activated!"

"Freaking weird looking." Harry mumbled to himself as he crept quietly around the outside of the arena, keeping his eyes on the freakishly big headed kitten which now sported a head the size of a full grown lion and a pink ribbon to match but with a teeny tiny kitten body holding the head up beneath.

Harry had to keep both of his hands on his head as he moved to keep the thing from beginning to bobble, but he finally made his way into the shadows of the gate and noticed his body disappear.

"Ok, I hope this works." Harry said to himself, arming his River Rock, pulling his hand back to aim while biting his temporarily large tongue in between his freakishly large teeth.

"Hgnph!" Harry threw the rock with all his might at Mr. Tibbles head.

"Head Shot! Catnip negates armor class! Critical hit! Plus bonus damage from Perks, Powers, and Skills! Mr. Tibbles Killed!"

The rock hit Mr. Tibbles right upside the head, causing the kitten's grotesquely large Bobblehead to wibble wobble as the cat suddenly stopped playing with the catnip and tipped over dead.

"Woo Hoo! He's dead! I Win, you lose! I win, You Suck!" Harry shouted, jumping up in the air and pumping his arm in delight; even though it couldn't be seen because he was still basically invisible while still in sneak mode and in the shadows.

Harry's happy dance was halted and he immediately felt a chill come over him as a voice echoed through the arena.

"I Live AGAIN!" A ghastly voice rattled Harry's teeth as fire shot up from the corpse of Mr. Tibbles and the smell of sulfur and brimstone filled the air.

"Round Two!" Cheerfully flashed before Harry's eyes, and Harry's giant bobblehead mouth dropped open while it was still bobbling from side to side in aftershocks from his earlier happy dance.

"No way—" Harry's words died on his lips as a wave of flame shot out from Mr. Tibble's corpse and incinerated the front entrance from where Harry had original started the mission. By happenstance or faulty coding, the only place in the arena protected from the cone of fire that sped across the arena was the thorny entrance tunnel for Mr. Tibbles. The very spot where Harry happened to be was the location in the arena where he was safe from the area of effect attack.

A crack in the earth appeared in the middle of the arena and black ooze the consistency of tar slid out of the crack before reforming into the shape of a kitten with a large bobble head; ghastly shapes like screaming faces seemed to press up against the surface of Mr. Tibbles' ooze formed body, the faces clawing and screaming to escape the torment from within the kitten.

Harry blanched white and felt his stomach threaten to rebel at the disgusting site of the eldritch horror that was Mr. Tibbles.

Fortunately Harry was still practically invisible in his place hidden in the shadows of the gateway outside the arena floor.

'Um, uh, holy catnip don't fail me now.' Harry thought to himself, not willing to speak for fear of giving himself away as he quietly snatched out another dose of catnip and flung it into the center of the arena.

Mr. Tibble's head swung around to face the direction that the thrown object came from, only to sense the catnip and pounce on that instead.

"Catnip Activated!" The screen flashed.

"Whew." Harry sighed when the horror that was once a kneazle kitten began to devour the catnip and then lay down for a nap; faces of those previously devoured still tracing their way along the black rippling form of the little kitten with the bobblehead.

"Rock paper scissors, I hope the rock wins again." Harry mumbled to himself, aimed for Tibbles' head, and let fly.

"Head Shot! Catnip negates armor class! Critical hit! Plus bonus damage from Perks, Powers, and Skills! Mr. Tibbles Killed!"

"Woot!" Harry cheered as the body of Mr. Tibbles lost shape and appeared to settle into a pool of black ooze which was evaporated by the sun shining down into the arena.

"Round Three!" flashed in front of Harry's eyes.

"You've got to be Fucking Kiddi-" Harry's incredulous statement was cut off by a thunderous KA-BOOM as a plummeting meteorite broke the sound barrier and cratered the center of the gladiator.

Harry ducked his head, attempting to shield his prodigious bobblehead as the meteor hit the ground and caused a rippling wave of earth to travel across the round arena and impact every way with solid thud. A cloud of kitty-litter dust filled the arena shielding the center from view.

And yet again the wave of the attack failed to enter the shadowed gate area where Harry happened to be hiding.

"Heh, screw you programmer." Harry smirked and flipped his two fingers in the direction the meteor had originated.

Harry's smirk was wiped off his face when hundreds of flailing green squid tentacles erupted from the earth across the entire surface of the arena. The tentacles thrashed before receding and sucking back towards the center where they left behind a leathery green skinned kitten with wings and a mouth full of tentacles; looking like the elder god Cthulhu had crossbred with a Kneazle.

"Ew, Hagrid! No more crossbreeding for you." Harry's disgust was covered by him once again throwing catnip.

"Catnip Activated!"

Nine rounds of combat with the truly terrible forms of Mr. Tibbles.

Nine rounds of facing one eldritch horror after another.

Nine total rounds where there would have been absolutely no chance of winning if it hadn't been for a mix of cheats, powers, perks and the one spot in the arena that wasn't hit by area of effect attacks every time Mr. Tibbles respawned.

The last round had been some evil living black vampiric mist kitten that had sucked the life out of carnivorous plants that had previously been spawned by an earlier version of Mr. Tibbles.

However in the end, there could be only one.

And because he had cheated like his life depended on it, the one was Harry—though the jury was out on whether his sanity had survived the battle.

"You Cheater! Tibbles the Terrible Defeated! Congratulations, cheater, You gained 1500 Experience, +10 to Care of Magical Creatures, 25 Galleons, 25 Pounds muggle, and the Cat's-Paw rare item…Cheater." Flashed in front of Harry's eyes, finally confirming that once and for all Mr. Tibbles was destroyed.

"Oh yes, I win, you lose! Ding dong the demon's dead, which old demon, that old demon! Not going to eat my face again are you! No chewing on these bits again for you kibble tibbles! Huh. Huh. Huh." Harry made lewd thrusting motions towards the dissolving corpse of Mr. Tibbles; motions that sent his head wibble wobbling counter direction to his pelvic thrusts.

"Not so big now are you Mr. Tibbles." Harry danced around the corpse of Mr. Tibbles and taunted the corpse, dancing as if he was doing a rain dance and every bounce of Harry's body made Harry's Bobblehead bounce like a demented jack-in-the-box.

Still, he didn't care. Harry had finally won, and the large white toothed grin on his large bobblehead was proof of his excitement.

Around the arena the kneazles on the raised tiers erupted in a ruckus of meows and other cat sounds in either celebration or sorrow, but Harry wasn't paying attention to the sounds around him nor did he care that he had an audience.

Instead Harry decided to salt the earth where Mr. Tibbles had died, or at least the next best thing to salting the earth.

"Zippp, Ahhhhh." Harry released his bladder on the charred blackened mark in the middle of the arena, rinsing away the last remnants of the creature that had almost given Harry more frights than Voldemort.

"Dee-Do" two new messages popped up in Harry's vision, though he was too busy relieving himself to and focusing on the path of his pee rather than focusing on the words flashing before his eyes.

"Congratulations, you've completed all of the Kneazle missions and gained a new title, "The Cat Whisperer." From this point forward, felines will like you, they'll REALLY like you. Warning, may have odd affects on feline animagus." The first message stated, by this time Harry was too busy just smiling and giggling to himself as he attempted to zip his jeans while the momentum of his bobbling head had him weaving from side to side such that he wasn't even paying attention to the messages.

That is until the second message popped up.

"You gained a new Perk! "The Call of Cthu-Tibbles" We don't know how you not only beat Mr. Tibbles the first time but then actually won all nine rounds; nobody was meant to win that battle as it was supposed to teach players that some battles can't be won. Thus for your incredible cheating and glitch exploiting you gain The Call of Cthu-Tibbles. Once upon every lunar cycle you may summon a weakened aspect of Mr. Tibbles to join you in combat on the mortal plane for nine minutes. Congratulations cheater, you killed a kitten. You should be proud of yourself—cheater."

Yet despite the chastisement from the game, Harry was in fact proud of himself.

"Options, Cheats, turn off Bobbleheads, and Save Game."

Harry saved just in time.

Just as the game symbol in the corner of his vision denoted that he had successfully saved, Harry's world flashed a uniform bright royal blue color, and then Harry found himself once again in the menu loading screen.

"What the bloody hell?" Harry asked, looking around quickly in the darkness as the floating screen flashed from blue to black, but with only white words in the middle of the screen and not the normal menu prompts.

"Server down for Patch. We appreciate your patience. Would you like to read the patch notes? Y, N?"

Harry blinked, and then blinked again. He had been enjoying his time taunting the corpse of Mr. Tibbles and had planned on enjoying the moment for a bit longer.

Harry shrugged as it seemed that there wasn't anything else to do but wait and read the patch notes.

"What in Merlin's beard are patch notes, hell, what the heck is a patch?" Harry yelled into the darkness, but no reply was forthcoming.

Harry crossed his arms and frowned at the screen, "Fine, yes I'll read your bloody patch notes."

The screen immediately switched, and the patch notes were concise and listed only one glitch that the patch was supposed to fix.

[Patch 0.1] To fix a glitch with Mr. Tibbles: Glitch identified with Mr. Tibbles battle, Ruddy Bugger wasn't supposed to be able to win. Fixing error.

"You house-elf cock sock! Bloody wanking bastards call me a cheater!?..."

Well, let's just say that what came out of Harry's mouth for the next hour of patching was even less polite and didn't deserve to be shared outside of the confines of the dark menu screen area.

AN: I'll leave it there with the final defeat of Mr. Tibbles. Next chapter sees Harry enter the wide world, and as every game player knows starting a character after the tutorial always has some fun options. What's the weirdest gamestart that you've ever seen? You know, where the game either allows you to tailor your character or provides some cinematic start scene that leaves you saying, "What the hell was that?!" I've already got plans for the start, but I love the ideas you all are coming up with for missions, character interaction, game mechanics, etc. Thank you for all the reviews, messages and brain storming. I'm glad that you're enjoying the story thus far. Cheers!