SM owns Twilight, though I don't think she'd want to claim them after what I've done. I hope you enjoy this bit of crazy. It was written for a blog that Dollybigmomma and I did with some friends.

Victims of her own hilarity at blogspot. The prompt picture of the destroyed beauty parlor is on that site, along with several other short tales that went with several other silly pictures. I wrote under the name of Rose von Barnsley.

Dollybigmomma beta'd this mess, so point the finger at her, but only if you're prepared to thumb wrestle.


By Savannavansmutsmut

It was my first time in the bar of my new town. I had just moved from the big city to a quiet little place called Dysentery. I thought it an odd name. It sounded familiar, like I had heard it before, but decided not to worry too much about it. The real estate was cheap, and the population was only 271. Well, now it was 272, I thought with a grin as I sat down. I patted down my hair. It wasn't faring well through my move, but when I looked around, everyone seemed to be a little frazzled.

An odd man came walking in with big poufy hair. He had sheers on his belt, along with a comb and a spray bottle. Everyone seemed to shift away from him, when he looked at them. He tisked in disgust and made his way over to the bar. He looked me up and down and smiled. "You condition," he said with such relief.

"Um, yes, of course." I was a girl, naturally I conditioned.

He let out a sigh. "You could use a trim," he said picking at my few split ends.

"I could, I think the dry air is wreaking havoc on my hair."

His eyes seemed to light up, and he pulled out his sheers, snipping off a few obvious split ends. "Can I buy you a drink? It's sad, but so few people here appreciate good hair."

I let out a chuckle, looking around. A few patrons shook their heads "no" at me, but I thought they were crazy. I would swear one looked like they had a rat's nest on their head. I was sure I saw the rat poke its head out from the tangle they called hair. I cleared my throat and looked away from the freaks. "Yeah, sure, you can buy me a drink. I take it you take care of the local hair?"

"I wish. The freaks won't let me anywhere near them," he said and reached his sheers out, snipping some split ends off the waitress walking past. "I have to get them trimmed where I can," he whispered and snipped at another patron walking past us. That one bumped me, slipping me a note.

The thing was written in horribly messy handwriting.

Barber not sane, run!

I crumbled up the paper and stuck it in my pocket, looking back across the bar. I noticed there was a line forming for the bathrooms. "Looks like there's a long line for the bathroom."

"Yes, well, that's what you get for living in Dysentery. I suggest you not use the restroom here. It's disgusting, almost as bad as their hair."

The bartender set the drink I'd ordered down in front of me, and he then twitched his head toward the door. I wondered if he had Tourette syndrome.

I drained my drink slowly, amused as the fancy-haired man snipped at people's hair as they walked past. Once I was finished, I looked over at him smiling. He was very handsome, and I was lonely and could use a good conditioning.

"Hey, I never did catch your name," I said smoothly.

"Edward," he replied smiling.

"Well, Edward, I'm Bella, and I need a good deep conditioning. Do you think you're up for the task?" I asked, with the hope of getting more than just my hair conditioned. It was possible for a hairdresser to be strait.

He jumped around, giddy and squealing like a schoolgirl, and there went my hopes of getting laid, I thought sadly.

He grabbed my hand, dragging me out of the bar and down the sidewalk. We went three buildings over, when we stopped in front of an old torn-up building. "This is my shop. I know it isn't much to look at, but I swear I can work around the mob disaster."

"Mob disaster?" I asked.

"Can you believe they wanted to run me out of town for introducing them to hot waxing? I mean, by god, have you seen their facial hair? I swear the bearded woman has nothing on this crowd. The wolf man legend was born here," he said, dusting off a chair as I hopped over a few loose tiles.

"Oh, do you do eyebrows?" I asked.

He looked over at me grinning widely. "Yes! Oh, God, you're a dream come true, a person who grooms!"

He opened the back closet door for supplies, and I saw several mannequin heads with fancy hair. "I like the highlights on the third one."

He froze in place and glanced back at me, and then he looked where I was pointing. "What?" he asked.

"The head over there, top row, third head in. Could I get highlights like that?" I asked.

He grinned so big and wide it was creepy for a second, but he contained himself. He closed the door and looked bashful for a second. "No one has ever complimented me on my work," he blushed. "You're so sweet."

"No, you're very talented to accomplish that in this place. You must be very gifted." I knew you should always be on the good side of your hairdresser. He was one person you never wanted to piss off, or you'd end up looking like a freak for the next few months while trying to grow out their retribution.

He gave me the works. I was shampooed and deep conditioned, waxed, trimmed and highlighted, then styled to perfection. He wiped the mirror down, so I could see myself.

"Oh, Edward, you're a miracle worker! Please, tell me I can have a standing appointment with you every week to keep this up."

He squealed, "My first real customer!" He hugged me, swinging me around in a circle.

When he set me down, I gently patted my head. "Watch the hair," I said smiling. "Of course, I really don't mind coming back to have it fixed, do I," I giggled.

When I walked out of the shop, Edward was waving at me frantically, so happy. I smiled as I headed home; thrilled I'd made a new friend. The streets were lined with people staring at me like they were in shock.

I had finally had enough and asked a lady down the street what the problem was.

"He didn't chop off your head!"

I laughed, she was ridiculous. "Why on earth would he chop off my head?"

"He has a closet full of heads!"

"Hair dressers always have mannequin heads to practice on," I explained to the small-minded group. I walked a little further and passed the alley that ran behind the beauty parlor. I saw Edward wrestling a poor messy-haired girl. I wished they'd just let him fix their hair. He looked up at me and waved. "I'll see you next week!" he shouted.

"You bet you will!" I waved as he dragged the crazy-haired freak in through his back door. When I got home, there was a knock on my door. It was the sheriff.

"Ma'am, I've come to check on you," he said looking at my head funny.

"That's very kind of you. So, are you going to be changing the population sign to 272?" I asked trying to make conversation.

"Nah, Ed got Mary Sue, took her head right off, just like he did with the other folks. He usually just does people passing through town, but for some reason, he didn't take your head off and took out a local. I can't have him doing that."

I looked at him confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Eddie boy is a serial killer, but he usually doesn't mess with the locals. It's only me and another guy protecting the town. We only have three bullets left between us. We used to have six, but spent three the last time we tried to stop him, so we all just try and warn people to stay away from him."

"You can't be serious. This man is a hair genius. If he lived anywhere else, he'd be worshiped for his skills!" I grabbed his hand. "Feel this, it's soft as kitten hair after he conditioned me," I smooshed his hand into my hair. "And that's even with highlighting, HIGHLIGHTING I say, most people have rough haystack hair after highlighting."

I spent the rest of the week avoiding the crazy townspeople. When I showed up for my appointment, I brought flowers and a broom with me. "I was thinking I could help you clean this place up. You really need to, so you can showcase your talent, Edward. I've never met a man as gifted as you."

He wiped a tear away and put the flowers in an empty spray bottle. "You're such a gem, Bella," he hugged me to him.

"Why don't we get busy on this place, and then you can clean me up afterwards. It'll be fun!" I sounded giddy, even to myself.

We made quick work of the floor, and then he pulled out some thick goopy glue and used it to stick the loose tiles down. I washed down all the walls, mirrors, and chairs, and he dragged the old broken sink out to the back alley. I noticed he was missing a couple of light fixtures and asked him about them.

"The crazy lawmen came in, shooting up the place! I only have the one light now because of them. It makes working at night very difficult."

"Don't worry; I've installed ceiling fans at my last couple of places, so I can put a little light in, no problem." I went to the hardware store and bought two lights and some fancy curtains to hang in his window. I found two huge five gallon buckets of yellow "oops" paint and bought them as well. He was my only friend in town, and I wanted to let him know I appreciated him, even if no one else did.

He wiped tears away from his eyes, as I helped him paint the walls, covering the old stained paper on them. Once we were done, I put up the light fixtures, while he hung the curtains. The place looked so much better. I washed my hands and then plopped down in the chair.

"Well, Edward, are you still up for pampering me, or shall we reschedule?" I asked.

He smiled. "Let me order take-out, and I'll take care of you after dinner. I'm buying, it's the least I could do for you after all this," he wiped away another tear.

The one diner in town did deliver, but they just set the food at the shop door and ran. I shook my head. "When are people going to get it through their heads that you can help them look beautiful?"

He smiled as he walked over to me and kissed my lips softly, completely shocking me. I had been sure he was gay. I smiled and jumped on him, attacking him wildly. I think I surprised him a little. He sat down with me in his lap. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it. In the end, I always convince them their head is best in my hands when it comes to grooming." He kissed me lightly. "I have a closet full of them to prove it," he whispered and continued to kiss me. His words bounced around my head, and I tried to make sense of it all, but couldn't.

After a very vigorous make-out and grooming session, I promised to return again for my weekly appointment and blushed as he winked at me.

I let out a giddy sigh, as I skipped down the sidewalk.

"So, did you see the closet full of heads?" a woman asked me, and I rolled my eyes and walked on, ignoring her.

"Wait, could you just take a look at this picture?" She held up a picture of a woman with messy brown hair. "Is her head in the closet?"
She did look familiar. I stared at the photograph, trying to place her. Then it all sank in.

"Top shelf, third head over, beautiful highlights," I said more to myself than the woman.

She gasped and ran away.

Well, shit, apparently I was dating a serial killer.

A/N This was a one shot, but because of the lovely response and the fact that I was feeling goofy, I made it a two shot. We got to explain why Bella is so at ease with our Hairwardo. The second chapter is not posted on the blog site, because it wasn't written at the time of the challenge.

You should really check it out. Dollybigmomma wants me to convert the Lartex "water balloon" story to Twilight Fan Fiction. I don't know if that's even possible. I'm bouncing it around in my head. Check it out and let me know if you have any idea on how to make that happen.

As always thank you so much for reading and please review. It helps keep my insanity locked in fiction.