Dying To Heal. . .
~ Prologue - Chapter 1 ~
It was a moment of desperation. A moment of seeking a drastic change,
even if that meant dying for the sake of healing. . .
The howling winds were angry, cruel, lacking all mercy. It felt like a thousand tiny knives stabbing into my exposed flesh.
"You can do this." I willed myself closer to the edge, looking down at the shapeless forms of water below.
Much like the wind, the waters too, seemed angry as they harshly beat against the concrete peers. Liquid hands reaching out to me, calling for me to join in the blackness, in the numbness of a never, far away from here.
Lightening flashed across the roaring sky and for a split second the entire forest lit up, revealing the multicolored hillside that had taken over most of the green.
Panting for every breath, I looked back to the shapeless forms below, so cold, so dark... but yet so inviting.
How did I ever get here? I thought as a single tear temporally warmed my icy cheek.
Was I some sort of crazy? Maybe I was - maybe I am - but at that moment, I just needed it to be over. At the end of my rope, all I found was a lifetime of bad choices and a heart filled with sheer emptiness, besides the fear that had taken up permanent residence.
At twenty-two years old, my life was over, my fate was decided and my mind was made up.
No turning back.
"I need you now, more than ever," I choked out into the shivering, unfriendly night air, staring directly into the heavens.
Like so many times before, it was only me and my screams of no reply.
"Answer me!" I yelled to the top of my voice just as huge raindrops began to fall, making the cold winds all that more unbearable.
"I don't care anymore," I seethed, struggling to keep my eyes open. "You know that, you know my heart, right?"
Again no answer, only the wind and the rain thrashing into me as if God himself was whispering, "Do it."
Closing my eyes, I released one of my hands from the frosty railings and that's when I saw his warm, brown eyes shinning through all the pain from somewhere in the back of my mind. His smile was so perfect that I couldn't help but to smile myself, to spite the fact of what I came to that old, abandoned bridge to do.
"He was all that I had." I used my free hand to wipe away the endless tears now streaming down my face.
Using the other hand, I held to the railing so tightly, I just knew my knuckles were gonna burst.
My lips trembled at both the coldness and the nerve I was willing from within. The original plan was to come straight to the bridge and without a second thought, just do it. However, once I was standing there, in the moment, a million thoughts flooded my head.
Would there be pain?
What if I survive?
Where does one really go in the afterlife and would there be a price to pay for taking one's own life?
Was I only trading one hell for another?
I could handle the physical pain, or so I told myself, it was the emotional pain that had destroyed me and brought me to the point of desperation.
"It's now or never," I finally said one last time and adjusted myself as I completely let go of the railing, solely depending on balance.
All of my doubts slowly, but surely fading away, I was so close to freedom, I could taste it. I tightly shut my eyes, panting for breath as the strong winds blew my heavy hair in every direction. One step closer, ready to let go of all the pain and cross over into the unknown; good or bad, anything had to be better than this life.
It didn't matter where I lay, it didn't matter where they buried me, nothing mattered, for all of my tears would soon be washed away and for once in my life, I'd be free. . . and without so much as a blink of an eye, my frozen body was airborne as I smiled in the face of death.
"Take my hand." A raspy voice caused my panicked eyes to shoot open when I felt fire against my ice-cold skin.
The rain continued to fall, forcing my eyes to shut again and again, no matter how hard I willed them to stay open. The fiery-touch was consuming me further as it went from my arm to my shoulder then to my back and finally pulling me back onto the bridge, back to life, back to hell.
"Let go!" I yelled, struggling to break free, but the saving hands were too strong and before I knew it, I was completely over the railing; utterly saved.
"Why?" I cried as I buried my face into the brick wall that was this man's chest.
Instead of answering, the man pulled me into his arms and cradled me like a child. I could feel the rhythm of his trembling heart, beating like a drum, underneath his thick sweater. He was so warm and smelled so heavenly.
Is he an angel? I quietly mused, for everything happened so sudden, I only knew that the form of this creature was male.
I laid in his lap, forcing my eyes open and without too much movement, I tried to steal a glimpse.
As I studied his strong jaw line covered in slight stubble, I was met with the most angelic, ice-blue eyes that I had ever seen.
His eyes didn't look real, either they were too blue, or too clear, I couldn't decide which, but I didn't see a halo nor did I remember wings upon his form.
Like a forgotten memory, frozen in time, I could only stare. The man's face was beautiful, simply flawless. His hair was soaked, making it appear darker, but lighter colors of reddish-blonde and bronze locks peeked from the wet, disheveled mess.
Now more than his eyes, he too, seemed unreal.
Was this the afterlife? Or maybe I'm stuck in between worlds or perhaps I've entered into another world altogether?
Closing my eyes with a long sigh, I postponed my inner debate. Angel or not, this man was still a stranger and being the rebellious person that I often am, I tried to break free from his stronghold. But I was fighting a losing battle, for it only caused him to tighten his arms around me.
After a minute or so of struggling to free myself, my strength ceased and the warmth of his body - so delightful, so alluring - caused my own body to automatically lighten and relax against him.
As I laid trembling from both the cold and sessions of weeping, I curled myself closer to him. Wrapping my fist tightly around the opening of his fleece-wool-coat, sharply inhaling the smell of cleanliness, I buried my face, once again, into his chest.
The angel without a halo, who bore no wings, didn't talk, he only held me in his arms.
If eternity was to be spent in this manner, it would have been fine by me, for I had never felt so warm and so protected in all of my life. However, my flesh was exhausted and my strength was fading fast, as I felt my own body slipping in and out of conscience.
When the angel's eyes found mine one last time, I found something in his gaze I had never found in another person - mercy and compassion. And it wasn't only in his eyes, it was written all over his entire face.
"You'll be okay," he finally said in a honest voice while pushing a lock of cold, damp hair from my face.
Taking his sincere words in stride, for the first time, in a very long time, I felt something inside of me shift. A drastic change filled me to the very core of my being, engulfing my heart, body and soul. And written there in his knowing eyes was a truth, a truth so vivid, I grabbed it as if it was a lifeline and held on with all of my might.
The winds calmed, as did the rain, but the thunder loudly interrupted as lightening flashed in various places across the now black sky and I closed my eyes. . .
I know that was kind of intense, but I do hope you guys enjoyed it and continue in following Bella as she faces demons from the past, reaches deep inside in hopes of a healing, and then tries to find her place in this world.
I want to inform all readers that the genre in this story, as you already know, starts angsty, but the angst won't last forever, and I plan to keep it as short and sweet as possible. This story will ultimately be more of a romance, a tad fluffy from time to time and will end with a HEA! It will be a B & E pairing/romance, and I will add the other characters into this storyline as it unfolds. This will also be AH... I'll leave the vamp-writing to the pros :)
Parts of this story is already pre-written, as I have three notebooks going with footnotes, sidebars, ideas, different routes in the storyline and such, but for the most part, the major storyline is already written. I just have to decide what goes and what stays, all while editing.
This story will be told in BPOV, but I do have, and hopefully will be writing even more, EPOVs. However, I have no idea as to when I will add those, maybe toward the end, or after the story itself ends, I can, maybe, add those as bonus chapters. We'll see.
Updates: I have no planned schedule for updates. I'll do my very best to get those to you as quickly as possible.
Rating: I rated this story M, details in certain situations may be written in, I don't know. If I feel it needs to be added in, of course. If not, I won't. Therefore I cannot give a definite yes or no. When I write, I like to follow the characters, focused solely on the storyline, not guidelines.
Beta: None, so please be nice. I already know my grammar isn't top-notch.
Proofreaders: Two of the finest people that I know, which happen to be very dear to me, C-Mo and Josh. Yes Josh, he's male... but it's okay, he likes boys too (especially certain vamps that go by the name of Edward Cullen.) I don't know what shocked me the most, my friend's coming out or him saying he liked Edward. Most of my other male gay friends go on and on (and on) about the other guy - what's his name again? Oh and his hot body *MEH* But moving on, I would like to send a huge Thank You to those two, for not only seeing me through this and the many changes I have made in trying to get it as polished as possible, considering no beta, but also for taking the time to help me focus on certain areas and fix small grammatical mistakes.
Now with all of that being said, I wanna say hello to everyone, hoping that a few of my former readers are among the crowd... I have missed writing, I have missed endless hours of reading and I have greatly missed my readers, for they made my time here unforgettable and I will forever be grateful for being made to feel so welcomed. God, it feels good to be back! I can only hope to find my place back into the world of Fanfiction, and with a little luck, back into the hearts of my readers.*Fingers Crossed* I will try.
Until Next Time,