"Awkward"

Rated M

Disclaimer: I sure as heck do not own Phineas and Ferb. Or any of the characters whatsoever.


Outside of OWCA, short for Organization Without a Cool Acronym, a Dodge pulled up next to the entrance way. He had a bag of groceries in his hand full of cheese. It was nearly four types of cheese inside those bag of contents.

Only one man would enjoy these gas-guzzling cheeses...

...and that was Major Monogram. He was busy looking at a list of the things he wanted.

"Let's see here... American, Pepper Jack, Mozzarella, and Roquefort." Major Monogram muttered, reading the whole entire list, "Yep, I think that's all I got."

Before Major Monogram could think about opening that door, he heard some strange noises coming inside. It was basically noises coming from his best friend and unpaid intern, Carl. And he also heard a tapping sound on top of it.

*TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP*

"Oh yes!" Carl shouted as if it was orgasmic, "This feels good!"

Major Monogram was a bit disgusted. Was Carl doing what he was doing? He couldn't be doing such things quite like... that.

*TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP*

"Man, this feels so hard... but it's worth it!" Carl shouted orgasmically again.

Major Monogram could feel his stomach churning with every tapping noise he'd been hearing.

"Good god... Carl isn't doing what I think he's doing...?" Major Monogram thought to himself, trying to shake out that image of a masturbating Carl.

But was Carl really yanking it? Was he punching the clown? Hell, maybe waxing his board. He would never do that.

*TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP*

"Oh, yes! Yes! I'm almost there!" Carl shouted happily once more, "I'm gonna make it!"

He was about to reach what Major Monogram thought he was gonna reach. Basically, his teeth gritted in anger. His left hand forming in anger. He would have used both of his hands to form into fists, but he couldn't do it since he was holding his groceries with his other hand.

Channeling his inner Monogram rage, Major Monogram finally got the guts to open the door and barge in!

"Okay, Carl! I wanna know what you're doing beating off-"

When he turned to Carl though, he was stunned.

He didn't see Carl masturbating. But weirdly, it was just Carl all alone with an object in his hand.

"...with a paddleball?" Monogram finished.

"Aw! Darn it, sir... I was nearly close to breaking the record!" Carl whined a little. Major Monogram hit his own forehead for apparently no reason.

"Why on earth do I ever leave you alone? You know, Carl... if you want to do something like this, lock your door! I would've understand." Major Monogram sternly stated.

"What on earth did you think I was doing? Masturbating?" Carl stated, raising an eyebrow, "C'mon, sir. I would never anything disgusting like that! That would be awkward!"

After hearing Carl explain his whole story, Major Monogram finally understood.

"Well, maybe I guess I was paranoid." Monogram muttered in embarrassment.

But then, he suddenly looked into his bag and realized that something was missing.

"Son of a rat cracker, I forgot the Cheez Whiz!" Monogram reacted frantically, "I gotta go back to the store and get that lost Cheez Whiz. Just stay where you are, Carl."

But before Monogram could leave out the door, he approached Carl once again and yanked that paddleball off his hands.

"I'll take that. There are more important things to use your hands. Go wash my dishes!" Monogram said, giving Carl his orders.

"Got it, sir." Carl saluted in response.

Nodding through Carl's promise, Major Monogram walked out of the door again.

But when he closed the door behind him, he heard those tapping noises behind him once more.

*TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP*

This was strange. Major Monogram yanked the paddleball off of Carl's hands, but was the unpaid intern really doing what he was doing?

"I'd rather not ask him again..." Major Monogram muttered angrily to the door, already being creeped out by Carl's antics as it was. For one thing was very sure...

...he sure as hell wasn't washing dishes.


I'm not sure if this was really funny, knowing that I felt it had a lack of jokes, but I think those masturbation puns was worth it.

Anyway, feedback is always welcome. (;D)