I hope you guys missed me! I missed me!
And guess what? I posted my first story on fictionpress! After two years of wanting to write my own story, I did it! If you want to check it out, my username is 'Addiction-With-Fiction'. Since I only have one story, it shouldn't be too hard too hard to find. I hope you guys check it out, yes it includes vampires and innapropriatness. Just Kidding. But it might in the future, IDK.
Okay, let's move on, love you guys! Here's Chapter 4!
"Finn! There's a call for you!" I opened my eyes at the sound of Annie's voice and sighed. Whoever calling better have somethin' real important to say if they're sacrificing my beauty sleep! I mean, what would happen if I suddenly got really ugly and got wrinkles? Ugh!
Shaking the thought from my mind, I sat up and got off of the bed. Walking towards my cellphone which was also used as the home phone. In all actuality, I was too lazy to set up a home phone. Sure, the cable company would provide it for me, but I don't want to deal with some guy who doesn't speak proper English. Yes, that's how I dealt with almost everything, I always had to call someone on some stupid help line.
Can't they make the people who work there lose their accents? Or just give me a freaking computer voice that I can understand. My phone's volume can only get so loud!
I picked up the phone and asked, "What?"
But, I snapped out of my rude and drowsy state when I heard who it was on the other line, a grin came across my face at the string of curses coming from none other than Johanna Mason.
"Well aren't you a bucket of sweet fuckin' sunshine? Stop bein' a little bitch with your fucking beauty sleep! It's 12:30 A.M. ya' idiot!"
A chuckle escaped me and I ran my fingers through my hair, "Chill, I thought you were Peeta or something. Even though he would have had the same reaction, just with a lot less cuss words."
I could practically hear her grin, it wasn't that hard to piss her off, and it wasn't too hard to force her to calm down either. All you had to do was say what you think she wants to hear, after that, everyone's life gets a lot easier.
Something that I loved about Johanna, was how she treated people. The people who tried to flirt with her at the diner she worked at would get cold coffee and a bite taken out of what they'd ordered. At least she never went hungry when working.
"Yeah, I know. So, I called to ask about Peeta's little search for our Katniss. In my mind, I really don't see the point of searching. To tell you the truth, I think Katniss may be worse than she before she started therapy. If she even is alive."
My brow raised and I asked, "Why do you think she'd be worse?"
I heard her sigh and respond, "Peeta kept her grounded, being near him and thinking that she could get back together with him when she recovered helped her out. Trust me, I understand why he would be pissed with her. If I was ignored by the girl I loved for two years, I might say some things I didn't mean, too."
"But, it's still hard to imagine where Katniss was at that point. Through those two years, just being able to look at him made her happy. It was ridiculous how in love she was, though I think the weirdness just came from her mental state. The way her mind had to depend on people to keep her from going off the deep end. But, I knew that she would...cut herself...it showed me that it wasn't enough. That it was never enough for her just to see him, but there was nothing I could do."
"Not even Prim could get through to her. We all knew how fake every smile was, every laugh, all of it was fake. We tried so hard to cheer her up, get through to her. For god's sakes, even her stupid therapist fell for it. I had no idea she was going to take off. All of her stuff is still at my house. Nothing has changed in that room since then."
I could hear her voice getting more and more filled with anger, so I decided not to press. I just answered her question about Peeta's plan.
"Well, Peeta just thinks he can find her by snooping around. Clove called me last night and said that Peeta found Katniss's cousin. Apparently they got into a fist fight in the middle of the street, someone called the cops and they were taken away. They had to bail him out and guess who came to pick up the other dude? Glimmer. They said that it was nearly impossible to recognize her, she had brown hair and she wasn't wearing any make-up at all. It's kind of hard for me to picture..."
I heard her grunt on the other end, as if it were hard for her to comprehend as well.
Even now I was pondering it, trying to see Glimmer with no make-up and not dressed up as a whore. "Apparently Katniss had taken off with Glimmer the night after graduation, and that Katniss took off about two years ago. And she hasn't seen her since."
I rubbed my hands together, the cold chilling all the way down to my bones. Almost all of the blood had stopped flowing. Numbness taking over. I pulled the edges of my hat over my ears, trying hard to keep them as warm as possible as snow falls. All I could think about was what happened yesterday, it was so hard for me to leave the apaprtment building today. Since my mind was so filled with Peeta. Sure, it had hurt to be away from him these last four years, but seeing him again brought back so many memories.
The memories that occured before I turned into an idiot. My head hurt, I sighed with relief when I reached the little bookstore, entering I let the heat overwhelm me. Instantly I went up to Thresh who was manning the cash register, he grinned at me and I gave him a gentle smile, letting the pounding turn into a dull ache.
"Hey, what're you up to?" he asked, his deep voice echoing through the empty store. I liked to come in on days like these. When no one was around and Thresh could just slack off and talk with me.
"Nothing really. You know, the usual. Gloss got into a fist fight, had to bail him out. Just an everyday Thursday night." he chuckled at my response and I just grinned. "Yeah, he texted me about that last night. So, who was the guy he fought with anyways. He told me that he was given quite the beating too."
I frowned, I wished Gloss would have just said some random name, but the possibility of that turning out to work wasn't very strong. "I'm not sure, I think it was that dude that he always fights with over girls. I think his name is Anthony or something like that."
Thresh rose an eyebrow at me, "Stop lying to me Kat, who was the guy?" I sighed, it seems that my lying skills need to be improved, and have had to be improved for quite a while now.
"It was an ex of mine, I'm not exactly sure what the fight was about. But, he was always the type...that Gloss didn't get along with..."
He frowned at me and held open his arms, which I walked into. It took a long time to get Thresh to actually talk to people, it also took me a long time to talk to him. I guess that was one thing we had in common. Tough with communication. But, Thresh was really affectionate when you got to know him.
"I didn't even know you had ever dated anyone." I chuckled bitterly. "I don't think he even counted as a boyfriend, we didn't talk that much. There was always some barrier keeping us apart. It was my fault we broke up anyways."
Clutching me tighter to his chest he replied, "I'm sure it wasn't your fault Kat, I assume he was just a dick that wanted more than you could give him."
"No, he was really sweet, super sweet and kind, caring...I just, we weren't compatible. It was always so hard for me to talk back then... There wasn't much I could do to change that, I guess neither of us could do anything about it." He pressed hislips to the top of my head and released me, his dark brown eyes staring down at me. "The person you were then sounds nothing like how you are now Kat. Now, you're so kind and trusting, and you communicate really well. Maybe if you talk to him you can mend whatever relationship you had."
I just shook my head.
"I have to move on Thresh, I can't deal with the feelings he gives me, it hurts to just think about him. And I can't explain it." he just pulled me back into his arms and sighed.
I sighed and rubbed my eyes while lazily walking down the street. So much stress! It's nearly impossible to deal with! Honestly, it could be worse. Glimmer could have told me that Katniss killed herself and left no suicide not. Yeah, that wouldn't be too great for me. Nor, would it really be for anyone. I would feel bad for whoever had to break the news to Cato.
God, I don't think anyone could survive such an experience. I know that I wouldn't, not that I would want to. I thought that I was depressed before, I think I would have to meet her there. As my grandfather told me when I was like twelve, it's better to be the one you can't live without than be with the one you can live with.
In actuality, I think he stole it either from a movie or an old novel my grandmother forced him to read. But, I kind of take that advice to heart. The thought of Katniss still being alive, kept me going all of these years. To suddenly hear that I would never get to stare into those grey eyes again, or hear her giggle, smell her strawberry shampooed hair, or feel her pump pink lips against mine. That would tear me apart.
There would be no reason for me to live anymore. I haven't even been able to look at another girl and find her relativley attractive for the past six years. Katniss was all I cared about since I've met her. Nothing else could corupt my mind so quickly.
My phone broke me from my chance as it began to chime in my pocket. I so badly wished to ignore it. But, if it had something to do with Katniss, I couldn't miss a chance like that.
"Yeah?" I asked when pressing it to my ear. Finnick's serious voice filled my ears in a few short seconds and he began to speak. "Well, I just had a very interesting conversation with out friend Johanna Mason."
This got me interested very quickly, well, whenever Finnick used his serious voice I listened to each word intently. But, most of the times when he spoke nonsense. I just acted like I was listening. Yes, a lot of people need to reconsider being my friend.
"Tell me more." he chuckled and began to tell me everything Johanna had said to him. I could tell it was word for word. As I heard the many cuss words and that not many 'g's' were placed at the ends of words where they belonged. I was surprised that Johanna was able to see through Katniss's facade. And the idea of Katniss hurting herself just because she missed me, it made me hate myself even more than before.
As I stood in the middle of the street, leaning against a brick building. Tears streamed down my face.
As I walked down the street, a book under my arm. The cold air nipped at my face, my head was screaming with each step that I took. Making it harder and harder to think of where my apartment was. Yes, I thought I knew how to deal with the pain by now. But, apparently I don't know how.
God, it just makes everyday tasks harder and harder to do. Even after four years of constant pain. Gripping the bag hanging over my shoulder harder, I took a few more agonizing steps down the street, before I could barely stand up straight.
"Kat! Hey, are you okay!?" I heard a voice. It was hard to make out who it was, and when I opened my eyes, all I saw was a deep haze. The world spinning before me. I squeezed my eyes shut again and felt arms wrap around my waist. I wished I could just lose conciousness. I didn't know who was holding me. I just hoped it was someone like Glimmer or Gloss, it hurts so badly.
Everything inside of me ached, especially my heart. My mental status was much more excrutiating. But my heart was always the one that brought me to tears. Much more often than the mental pain did.
"Alright, I've got you. It's me, Gloss. I'm going to bring you into my car, and then I'm going to drive you to my apartment." I nodded through the pain. Even though it just made me want to scream in agony.
I slammed my foot into Gloss's door the moment I went near it. I was so angry at myself. I was so angry at everyone! Why couldn't Johanna have fucking told Katniss's therapist about her behavior?! She could be dead! And no one would even know! She could be screaming alone in the dark right now. Her mental grounding cracking below her. As she fell into the pits of her mind.
Imagining all of the tears and all of the pain. It was everyone's fault, it was her father's, Cato's, Glimmer's, Clove's, Johanna's, Finnick's, and most importantly! It was my fault! It is all my fault that I'm here, that I just had to waltz in and ruin every aspect of her already horrible life.
All I did was slam my door shut before I broke down and screamed, so many emotions welling up from within me. Every ounce of hatred I had for everyone in the world. For myself, for Katniss. It was Katniss's fault I wa sin this situation, it was her fault I was so depressed. What had she wanted to accomplish by ignoring me? Why did no one know that answer?
I repeatedly slammed my fist against the floor, most likely annoying the shit out of my neighbors, but who cares! They don't understand what I've gone through! What I'm going through! They are just useless naive assholes!
Does no one understand that me being near Katniss would help her more than any goddamn therapist? All she'd ever wanted was to be near me. It was her therapists fault. Telling her not to be too dependant on me. That must have been why she forced me away. It is the only reason I could understand.
"Katniss, it's alright. It's alright, just relax."
Why are you here?
Are you truly breathing?
Do you still love me like I love you?
Have your wounds healed?
Prim gave me a bright smile and I threw one straight back at her before ruffling her hair. She screamed and swatted at me as I just laughed. It was real laugh, one that I can only truly have when I'm alone with Prim.
The only person in the world that I know I can trust with all of my heart. Her smile, her adoring blue eyes, the way she says she loves me when I tell her goodnight, how she begs me to pet her cat. Everything she does that just opens my heart and tries to sticth the hole.
She so badly wants to be a doctor, but she has no idea how well she already is at helping people. Everyday she helps me feel like I'm really me again. No matter how unhappy I become, I see her grin at me and my whole day turns bright. She and Peeta are so similar, so kind, they can both make me laugh with such a ridiculous remark, they both make me feel whole again.
But, Prim can't keep me from falling apart. I still cut, I still cry until I just can't cry anymore, I still think of him everyday. I still look through the texts that we had shared with one another, they always bring me to tears. Sometimes, I wish I could just force my fingers to tell him I love him.
Somtimes I wish I could just delete him as my contact, or throw my phone into a barell of acidic waste. Throw every memory of him into a fire and watch them burn into ntohing but simple ash. But, nothing is that easy, his smile assaults my mind every second of the day. Whenever I see him smile at someone else, or see him laugh with another. It makes me hate myself.
It makes me hate him.
He is so happy without me, his life would be so much easier if I could have just dissapeared off of the face of the planet. That I could burn to ash. Make him trample over my remains without a worry in the world. That would make me happy. To know that I can help him by ceasing to exist.
"I'm so happy you're gaduating next week!" Prim squeals and I smile at her. She wasn't able to see through me this time. This smile wasn't real. Peeta had the option to rid me from his life, or bring me in so I would be a permanant part of it.
I hate him.
Trying really hard not to cry right now!
Goddamn, so many emotions these days! Okay, that was a bit of a whirlwind. I feel that this one was a bit short, but that's for you guys to decide. As I go wallow in self pity. You can answer some questions for me.
1. Why do you think Glimmer and Johanna are trying so hard to cover up for Katniss?
2. Do you think Peeta is lying on the floor outcold right now? Or is he trying to break down Gloss's door?
3. How do you think Katniss is going to be in the next Chapter? Has she finally reached her breaking point?
4. Now...Cato.. any idea what kinda crap he's going to do in the next one?
That's it for now. Since Ilike leaving questions for everyone who reads 'A Grudge' I think I'll do it for you guys too. As I do like hearing how you guys think. Plus, sometimes you just make me laugh my ass off because you're just so awesome.
Okay then. I'm going to listen to Gone Forever by Three Days Grace for an hour before I decide to start the next one.
Love you all with every fiber of my being!