It's Not Sexism, Your Show Just Sucks
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Family Guy and The Simpsons are the property of FOX, Matt Groening, Seth MacFarlane, and other large faceless corporations. Meaning this parody is okay, but please support the official release.
Non-Descript Daycare in Quahog, Rhode Island and Springfield, (INSERT STATE HERE)
"Now Maggie, you have fun in daycare! Mommy has to go do some errands, and a workout to keep her boobs firm," Marge Simpson said with a smile and stroke of her daughter's head. She set her down on the floor and smiled lovingly at her youngest child. Maggie frowned up at her mother, and then looked over the daycare floor. Other than herself, there were a few other babies playing with blocks or scribbling on paper... She guessed it wasn't as bad as that other daycare.
She crawled over to a table and began coloring as well. Peaceful and content, she brought her imagination to life with red, green, and cyan crayons. She reached for the silver to complete her rocket powered butterfly...
Only to draw her hand back with a cry. She glared at a broad-headed little baby boy in red coveralls, who took the silver crayon and cackled as he scribbled on his paper.
"Yes, with this rifle, I shall put an end to that redheaded harpy with the ease Chris Brown dispatched Rhianna," the baby cackled.
Maggie's anger turned to confusion. She looked over his paper, only for the boy to yank it away.
"Excuse me, do you mind?" He hissed. Maggie blinked and studied the outline. She looked at the autograph in the corner, and looked back at the artist.
"Stewie Griffin... Why do you want to kill your mother?" Maggie asked in the silent language of all babies. It was translated for the convenience of the reader. Stewie snorted, and yanked the assassination plans back.
"What in the devil sort of question is that?" Stewie demanded. Maggie rolled her eyes.
"An obvious one," Maggie said.
"Not that it's any of your business..." Stewie shrugged. "But! I have hated the woman from the moment of my conception!"
Maggie again blinked in some disbelief. "Why?"
"She has thwarted all of my machinations and show no sign of cessation. Ergo, she must die!" Stewie cried, clenching a fist and shaking it in Maggie's face. The young girl stared back, cocking an eyebrow.
"And those are?"
Stewie grinned. "Domination of the world! I shall rid the planet of bad Robin Williams movies, men named Stephen, and anyone who disagrees with my particular political views!"
"That doesn't sound very nice," Maggie said.
Stewie stared at her in equal disbelief. "Of course it isn't nice! But I deserve it! I am the smartest, the most ruthless, the greatest choice! And I choose me! And you don't get any votes!"
Maggie stared for several moments... Before snorting in laughter. Stewie gaped.
"I don't think so," Maggie said flatly.
"... Oh, you don't think so?" Stewie replied mockingly.
"Nope. Who's going to take you seriously?"
"They took both Bushes seriously!" Stewie retorted.
"Oh, a Bush joke. How original and inspired," Maggie mocked back. "And if you can't impress me, who are you going to impress?"
"Uppity little tart," Stewie snorted. "I have no patience for arrogant little girls and I've dealt with plenty before. You want to be impressed? Be impressed!" He drew a raygun out of his diaper, and cocked it as he held it against Maggie's head. The blue garbed baby girl sucked on her pacifier once or twice... Before she jumped, flipping over Stewie and landing behind him. Stewie gasped as he felt the cold steel of a gun against his head. He looked to the side as Maggie held the weapon against his melon.
"Well, well, well," Stewie said. "Color me impress-GOTCHA!" He swiftly disarmed her with a palm thrust and tried to get his raygun on her. Maggie swatted the weapon out of his hand, and kicked Stewie in the face. He stumbled backwards into the toychest, making two twin babies scatter in fear. Stewie rubbed the back of his head as he looked up at Maggie, who now held his raygun and was pointing it at him.
"Well, well, well... You're now the third most interesting baby I've come across these days," he said. Maggie pulled the trigger... And the raygun began to beep ominously. Stewie grinned. "Shame you have to die!"
Maggie threw the raygun out the nearest window. A deafening explosion rocked the daycare, the other children crying and cowering behind plastic furniture and large stuffed animals. Stewie blinked in disbelief.
"What? You're actually protecting them?" He gasped. "Oh... I see." He smirked. "A do-gooder. I guess there's only one way to settle this then." He produced another gun from his diaper and opened fire, spraying the daycare with bullets. "ENJOY THE METALLIC STORM! Ooh, that's quite good, will have to save it for later..."
Maggie ran, the bullets tracing a path behind her. She pulled out a knife and threw it as hard as she could, nailing the gun in the barrel. Stewie gaped in shock, which lasted long enough for a Tickle Me Krusty Doll to whap him in the face. "Guh!"
Maggie pounced, another knife drawn. She slashed for Stewie but the boy dodged, grabbing a plastic play chair and swinging it for Maggie. She ducked under, and stood up with an uppercut to Stewie's chin. The boy fell back, and Maggie grabbed his coveralls. She slammed him into the play sink, over and over, before Stewie grabbed a plastic dish and broke it over her head. She staggered back as Stewie went for Maggie's discarded gun. He tripped, and looked back to see Maggie having caught his legs. He rolled over, managing to free himself and kick Maggie in the face. She rolled back from the force, grabbing a teddy bear.
Stewie charged, forgetting about the gun as he punched for Maggie's face. She blocked his strikes with the bear, and when Stewie grabbed for it, she dropped the toy and trapped his fist. In a motion emulating Catwoman from The Dark Knight Rises, she cartwheeled and sent Stewie tumbling into a LEGO castle which was crushed under his weight.
He rose, a few LEGO men sticking to his face. He grabbed one, bit it's head off, and spit it out. "All right... Second most interest, but you're still a long way from being Bertrom!"
Maggie struck, throwing kicks and punches furiously. Stewie blocked or dodged them, and jumped over her attempted leg sweep. He grabbed a toy xylophone, and swung it for Maggie. The girl ducked it, and Stewie held the toy up in front of his chest. She instead punched him in the nose, and as he cried out in shock she kicked him between the legs.
"Fool! Extra absorption diaper!" Stewie gasped, clocking Maggie across the head with the xylophone. The ringing of the instrument filled Maggie's ears as she went down, sprawled on the floor. Stewie chuckled and picked up her discarded gun, holding it up to Maggie's head.
"I must bid you adieu, young lady... But it is a universally acknowledged fact: Without government intervention, boys rules and girls droo-"
Maggie slapped the gun out of Stewie's hand, rising fast. So fast in fact, Stewie's gasp of astonishment had no time to form due to the loud cry of pain from Maggie's fist in his nose. She grabbed his ears and headbutted him, wincing slightly. She corrected her mistake though by kneeing him in the gut, and then, with her legs wrapped around his, flipping him over in a submission hold. Stewie struggled!
"Ha! You think this can hold me? Nngh... Gnngh...!" He huffed. "No, no, I can... I can... Nngh...!" He scowled up at her. "You have impressive lower body strength for your age, you know..."
"Zip it," Maggie sneered. "Say it."
"Say 'it'? Say what?"
"You know what I want you to say," Maggie said darkly. Stewie huffed.
"If you want me to call for my uncle, never! I'd sooner-OH GOD! MY HAIR!"
Stewie flailed as Maggie yanked on his hair harshly. "Say it!"
" ... WAAAAAAH! THE MEAN GIRL HIT ME!" He cried out. The caretaker, a woman in her mid twenties, walked over to the two children and casually separated them with a scowl.
"Maggie! Stop bullying the other children!" She scolded. Maggie relented... But shot the sniffling Stewie a smug look.
Stewie gave her a glare in return.
"Now, time outs for both of you," the caretaker said, carrying both children to different corners. Maggie crossed her arms over her chest as she smugly looked over at the beat up Stewie. The boy scowled back.
"Oh, just you wait," he hissed. "Just you wait you girl... I'll have my day...!"
Some time later...
"Was Maggie a good girl?" Marge asked, as she picked her baby up from the crib. The caretaker smiled and shook her head as a hazmat team worked outside.
"Maggie was fine, but she got into it with Stewie," she said, pointing to another little boy in a crib. Marge blinked.
"That boy is always causing a ruckus. He usually instigates a fight," the caretaker said. Marge frowned.
"Oh my... Hmm..." She looked at the baby boy, scowling up at them. "You know... Maybe it would be nice to arrange a playdate, so they can make up." SHe smiled at the caretaker. "When does his mother pick him up?"
Maggie and Stewie's eyes widened. The girls' then narrowed, as did the boy's. Stewie chuckled darkly.
"Oh yes... A second chance. Just so you know, I won't go easy on you next time," Stewie chuckled. Maggie huffed.
"Bring it on, Football head."
"Ooh, real original," Stewie mocked.
"Who knows? Maybe they'll become friends... Or maybe boyfriend and girlfriend in the future!" Marge went on happily. Stewie gaped in horror. Maggie shuddered.
"On second thought, perhaps it would be best if we never met again," Stewie muttered.
"Agreed," Maggie muttered back.
... Why? No idea. Just felt like it.