The hardest part of this was the girly stuff & choosing where to cut the chapter off.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kick-Ass
"Dave, wake up."
The remnants of his dream faded quickly, but there was something about flying higher and higher, until he couldn't make out the details of New York as he ascended. Opening one eye, Dave saw his father standing over him and responded with a confused grunt.
"I know you don't like me barging into your room like this, but your alarm clock as been going off for the past hour already."
"It's Saturday. I don't set an alarm for a Saturday." Dave mumbled, fumbling for his phone.
His dad shrugged, "That's what it sounded like to me." With that, his father left his room and headed down the stairs.
Turning on his phone, he saw 10 messages from a number he didn't recognize. Opening the first one, it said, "Can you come over to my house today?"
His first thought was spam but his spam filters usually did a good job blocking those. Then he thought it was an accidental text, but all the messages were all from the same number. Opening the second text, it simply said, "I'm Mindy."
Now fully awake, he opened the next consecutive texts. They essentially boiled down to saying she was making plans for her revenge and wanted him over for help, with the final few ones asking if he was awake or if she'd been texting the wrong number the whole time.
Dave showered and dressed faster than he'd ever done in his life. Running down the stairs, he skipped the milk and scooped up a handful of cereal and wolfed it down.
"It's a girl, isn't it?"
Choking slightly, Dave turned to see his father looking back at him from the living room, the TV on and a newspaper in hand a smug grin on his face.
Forcing down the not completely chewed cereal down his throat, Dave quickly said, "It's just a friend."
"Riiight," his dad drawled, and turned back to the TV.
Wolfing down another handful of cereal, Dave ran out of the house & was on his bike, pedalling as fast as he could. He'd gotten 3 blocks before it finally dawned on him, why was he rushing? There was nothing to imply in Mindy's text messages that he had to be there right away. He slowed down, taking in the sights. As a typical teenager, he'd never seen what an early Saturday morning looked like. The cold from the previous night still hung in the air. There was hardly any traffic, so Dave managed to get to Mindy's house in no time. It was only when he got off his bike that he noticed his legs were burning from exertion. Training with Mindy had made him fit, so the only reason why he'd be sore is if he'd been pushing himself. Looking at his watch, it proved that he had rushed to Mindy's house after all. He thought back to the previous night's ride had been leisurely, so as to plan what they were going to say to Marcus. But right now, what he remembered most clearly was Mindy with one arm around him, riding side saddle on his rear wheel rack.
While taking a moment to calm himself down, Dave noticed his reflection in one of the windows. He made a futile attempt to arrange his unruly hair. Failing that, he straightened his glasses and smoothed his shirt. Somewhat satisfied, Dave rang the doorbell.
Dave nearly had a heart attack when Mindy answered the door. Mindy had her usual pale pink track pants on, but her top consisted of a flimsy white camisole with one strap hanging dangerously close to slipping off her shoulder.
"C'mon in Dave," she said casually, turning towards the living room.
It was nearly impossible to not stare at the way she effortlessly padded her way through the house. He found himself trying to make out what she was wearing underneath her track suit bottoms and forcibly looked away.
"Marcus suggested I watch his movie to get a picture of what I'm up against," Mindy pointed to the TV.
On the screen was 'Mean Girls', specifically, the scene where Lindsey Lohan's character had a makeover to be more like the Mean Girls that she'd eventually take down over the course of the movie. Dave had spent many nights jerking off to that image, but this time, she paled in comparison to the real life girl in front of him.
"Have you watched this movie before?" Mindy asked, sitting down and grabbing a bowl of popcorn from the table and onto her lap.
Robotically, Dave sat down on the other side of the sofa, "I think everybody's seen this movie."
Mindy nodded and hit the play button. They watched in silence for a few minutes, but Dave kept sneaking glances to the girl by his side.
Dave almost jumped when Mindy slid a bowl of popcorn from her lap and placed it between the two of them, "Oh, sorry 'bout that. Here you go."
Grateful he wasn't caught, Dave grabbed a handful. With the bowl of popcorn out of her lap, he noticed the pencil and pad of paper. Again, Mindy must have caught him looking.
"This is homework," she said, jotting down a note on the pad.
Having caught twice, but with Mindy misunderstanding each time, Dave tore his eyes from her and looked around the room. Pictures hung on either side of the TV. There were pictures of Marcus through the years, one with Damon & Marcus in full police regalia in front of a stage, a picture of Marcus & his wife, a petite black woman with cheerful, angelic features. He knew from what little tidbits Mindy let out about her past was that it was Marcus & his wife that raised Mindy for the first 5 years of her life, before Damon's prison sentence was up. His eye locked onto a picture of Mindy as a baby, who seemed to have discovered a bottle of baby powder, and was in the process of pouring some into a sleeping Marcus' ear.
Dave stood up to take a closer look at it.
"You better not be taking a picture of that." Mindy said offhandedly, eyes still studying the TV.
"I wasn't even thinking of it," Dave replied, casually fishing around for his cell phone. "But that is a great idea."
In a second, Mindy was up from her seat, trying to stop Dave from taking a picture of her baby picture. Using his height to his advantage, Dave kept his phone well clear of Mindy's grasping fingers, while using his other hand to keep her at arm's length, wary of touching anything he shouldn't be. Within a few moments, it was obvious Mindy was just play fighting. If she'd been serious, Dave could imagine that he'd already be a bloodied mess on the nice white carpet. Scrambling for position, Dave's foot caught on the bottom of the couch, sending him toppling onto it. Mindy had been holding on to his shirt, so she followed right after him.
Mindy had trained Dave how to take a fall; relaxing his muscles so that he could roll with the punches, so he managed to control his fall and cradle Mindy as she fell on top of him. He looked up into her eyes, and froze. She was so close that, he'd barely have to tilt his head closer to kiss her lips. He could feel the warmth of her soft body through the layers of clothing between them. The instinct to wrap his arms around her was strong, but he somehow managed to keep them away from her, the picture frame still in his right hand, which he placed softly onto the floor. Mindy seemed to be in no rush to get up.
"Good morning Dave," Marcus said from across the room, "I didn't know you were coming over today." His arms were crossed, splitting his glare between the two of them.
Dave and Mindy quickly detangled themselves and sat on opposite sides of the couth.
"Good morning Mr. Williams," Dave said, wincing slightly as his voice broke under Marcus' gaze.
"He's going to help me with my plans to get back at those girls," Mindy said, point out the paused movie and her notepad.
Marcus took at step back as footfalls coming down the stairs approached. His wife rounded the corner and took in the scene in front of her. Marcus motioned to Dave, "Honey, meet Dave Lizewski. He's part of the anti-bullying campaign at Mindy's school."
Dave was surprised at the cover story Marcus had thought up. "Nice to meet you Mrs. Williams," he said, standing to give her a hand shake.
"Sarah," she said, taking his hand.
"Dave here was bullied when he came out of the closet," Marcus continued, smiling was Dave's smile faltered slightly. "Now he's here to help Mindy out with her situation."
Sarah pulled Dave in for a hug, "It's terrible when people are so closed minded. My brother also had some close calls when he came out." She released him from her hug. "Thank you so much for looking out for Mindy."
"It's no problem at all Sarah," Dave replied, adding a slight lisp to his voice. He gestured to the room, "I just love what you've done to the decor. It must have cost a fortune."
Beaming, Sarah giggled, "Actually I am a home decorator. I had to do the whole thing myself because this big guy has no sense of taste." She elbowed Marcus slightly.
"Men!" Dave agreed patting Sarah on the forearm, eliciting a giggle from her. "Sometimes I only think they're good for one thing."
Behind Sarah, Marcus was trying everything to hold it together. Dave couldn't hear anything behind him, meaning Mindy was somehow keeping a straight face.
Nudging his wife, Marcus said, "Honey, we should get going."
"Oh, right," Sarah nodded. She hugged Dave again, "It was nice meeting you."
"The pleasure was mine," Dave said, holding her hand to his heart.
As Marcus passed, he punched Dave lightly on the shoulder. When the front door closed, Mindy lost it, laughing so hard she turned red.
"Fuck! I gotta act gay again?" Dave yelled in frustration, slumping back into the sofa.
Just when they thought Mindy's parents had gone, Marcus came back, patting down his pockets.
"That was good improvising Dave," Marcus said while looking around for something.
Mindy managed to get her giggles slightly under control, "What was with that cover story?"
Marcus paused to look her straight into her eyes, "Do you really think Sarah would leave you alone with a boy with the house all to your selves?" He rounded a corner and came back with his police notepad and threw a yoga shirt towards Mindy, "And cover up young lady."
Catching her pink track suit top, she looked up to Marcus, "What for?"
Looking between the two of them, Marcus settled on Dave, "We all know Dave here isn't gay. I'm just taking precautions."
"But it's just Dave," Mindy said, gesturing to her sidekick.
Dave felt a sharp stab in the gut. He had a feeling Mindy saw him at best as a brother, but this all but confirmed it.
"I'm sure Dave here is getting distracted. Aren't you Dave?"
Feeling two pairs of eyes bearing down on him, Dave coughed nervously. He couldn't think of anything to say, but Mindy beat him to it.
"Fine, fine," Mindy relented, putting on her track suit top. She looked up to Marcus, "Do you have a chastity belt for me to wear also?"
Marcus didn't miss a beat, "What do you think we're going shopping for? Have fun kids."
This time, after Marcus closed the door behind him, Mindy followed and made sure her parents had actually left. She flopped onto the couch and sighed. She looked over to Dave.
"Do you actually mind if I wear this or not?" she asked, fingering her top.
A thousand scenarios ran through Dave's mind and he didn't like where any of them were going. This was Mindy McCready, Hit-Girl, the greatest superhero in New York. And she was also a very attractive teenage girl, the kind that in every other circumstance would never even give him a second look. He'd already gone through this with Katie, never believing that he was ever good enough for her. Dave had thought things were going well until the revelation that she'd been seeing someone on the side. But with Mindy, their friendship, their camaraderie, was something he didn't want to ruin by something as messy as love.
Not getting a response, Mindy began to zip down her shirt, the sound seeming to echo throughout the house.
Mindy stopped, eyebrow raised, "Should I be offended?"
Her tone didn't sound offended, but Dave immediately felt guilty. He turned towards her, "You're really pretty-"
"Holy shit. Are you giving me the 'it's not you it's me' line? We aren't even dating."
Since his first choice was taken, Dave went with, "You're like the sister-"
"And now you're following up with the 'I see you as a sibling' line? Dave, you're being really cliché right now, so that means you've got something to hide. Just spill."
"I may or may not-"
"Now you're going lawyer-ese on me?" Mindy laughed. "Last chance Dave. I know you can take a beating, so if you don't tell me the truth, I'll take you out using your chakra points."
"Wait, those are real?" Dave asked, staring as Mindy exaggerated cracking her knuckles.
Mindy nodded, smiling, which gave Dave pause. A ray of sunlight hit her perfectly at the moment, and he knew just how easy it would be to fall in love with this girl. Mindy slowly crawling towards him, while he backed away, only to be stopped by the arm of the couch. When her right hand lashed out, he miraculously caught it.
"Tits are every guy's weakness!" Dave yelled, bracing himself for her next strike.
Instead, she felt her shaking. Opening his eyes, she was holding her stomach, trying to contain her laughter. He let her hand go, and she fell back onto her side of the couch.
"Oh God! You should have seen your face," she coughed out between giggles. "'Tit's are every guy's weakness'? If someone hasn't done it, I'm slapping that on a t-shirt and making some money off it."
"Can we get back to the movie?" asked, gesturing to the screen, which incidentally showed a close-up of Lindsey Lohan smiling.
"Fine, fine," Mindy said, unpausing the movie. "What, you got a hard on for this girl?"
"No, she's not my type."
"So what is your type?"
Dave couldn't say his type was the girl sitting beside him. He'd already seen the movie & whacked off to pretty much every girl there. But now, he could care less about any one of them.
"The brunette one," Dave lied.
Mindy tilted her head a little, scrutinizing the brunette Mean Girl. "Makes sense. She does kinda remind me of Katie. If you got a type, you got a type."
Finally seeing a chance to turn what's been a morning of embarrassment for him onto someone else, Dave asked, "What about you? What's your type?"
"Rorschach. The Red Hood."
"Real life Mindy."
She answered quickly, "I never really thought about it," she said, taking down another note.
This was both good and bad. She wasn't interested in anyone, but that also meant she probably only saw him as a brother. Dave watched the movie without really seeing anything, his mind occupied far more by the girl sitting across from him. He hadn't even noticed when the movie had ended, until Mindy spoke up.
"Have you ever heard of this movie?" Mindy asked, as she navigated the Netflix menus and placed the cursor onto a movie poster saying 'Heathers'.
Dave scanned the movie details, "I've heard of it, but never watched it."
Mindy pressed play, and they watched in silence. This time, Mindy was smiling as things got progressively darker. She was furiously writing on her notepad as the ideas came to her. Dave was shocked by how dark the movie got, without going too far. When it ended, Mindy was practically bounding with energy.
"That was way better than the first movie."
"That was way more fucked up than I imagined," Dave said, trying to catch his breath.
"What was wrong with it?"
"Nobody died in the first one. I can't believe Marcus suggested that movie to you."
"Maybe Marcus wanted me to see the two extremes? He did already tell me not to do anything really nasty," Mindy mused, poking around on the Netflix menu.
The rattling of keys at the front door signalled the return of Mindy's adoptive parents. Sarah poked her head in and called out, "Mindy honey, we're home. Is David still here? Marcus could use some help."
Dave went out and saw a rental van in the driveway with its rear doors open. Rounding the corner, he found Marcus waiting for him, sitting on the lip of the van floor.
Marcus stood up, "Let me take a look at you."
Not sure what to do, Dave spread his legs slightly and held his arms out to the side.
"I'm not frisking you," Marcus said, walking around Dave appraisingly. He leaned in and checked Dave's collar from left and right.
"So what are you doing?" Dave asked, putting his arms down.
Marcus ignored his question, "Mindy's got a good poker face and hides her emotions well. You're the type that's got a dozen tells."
"We weren't making out," Dave said, finally making sense of Marcus' insinuations.
"Uh-huh," Marcus relented, "Grab one end, I'll get the other."
Inside the van were two miniature lampposts. They took up half the length of the van and the two men moved them into the open garage.
Seeing Dave's unanswered question, Marcus said, "They're for one of Sarah's clients. The client wants them to have an aged look. These are straight out of the factory, so she'll age them over the course of the week."
"Can't the factory or someone else do that for her?"
"It's cheaper this way, no middlemen to do the work for her. Plus Sarah likes to do things herself anyway."
Dave nodded and the two finished moving the second on in silence. They entered the house to the sounds of Mindy chopping vegetables & Sarah standing over a bubbling pot. She turned to Dave, "Thanks for helping out David. It wasn't too much for you was it?"
"No ma'am, no problem at all," Dave replied, remembering to change his intonation and mannerisms accordingly.
"In return, I'm making some of my harvest medley soup," Sarah took a spoonful of the broth she was making and offered it to Dave.
"It tastes wonderful," he said after tasting it.
"And we haven't even added most of the vegetables yet either," Sarah looked over to where Mindy was sitting at a stool, behind them chopping vegetables. "I've been trying to teach Mindy the finer points of cooking but they just don't stick. She is handy with a knife though."
Mindy shot him a look that said he should keep quiet and Dave suppressed his smirk. "Amazing house, amazing cook. Marcus certainly lucked out in finding you," Dave said, "So how can I help?"
"I'm curious with what's happening with Mindy," Sarah said quietly, "How is she in school?"
"Well, it seems she took the top spot at the cheerleading tryouts the other day and some girls weren't happy about it. The boy that took Mindy out last night ditched her," Dave confessed, also keeping his voice low. He was sure that Mindy could probably hear the two of them; she'd slowed her chopping to make less noise than before.
"As one of our anit-bullying campaign members, I keep my phone open to everybody to the school. She called me and I picked her up last night," Dave explained, trying to keep his lie in line with the truth of what happened the previous night.
"Should I be making some phone calls?" Sarah asked.
Dave chuckled, "You know, Marcus asked the same question actually. No, things like these would best handled by the children themselves. How else will they make it through life if we're always the ones taking care of them?"
"'Children'?" Sarah asked.
"I'm the most senior one in the group," Dave shrugged, trying to cover up his slip up, "Besides, I'm an only child growing up. I love Mindy. She's like the sister I never had."
Sarah and Dave turned to see Mindy, licking her finger.
"Mindy, swear jar," Sarah scolded.
Dave immediately went to examine Mindy's wound, "It's okay. If I'd had cut my finger, I'd be screaming bloody murder. Let's take a look." He held her hand gently, careful not to get lost in the feeling of her soft skin. With all the attention, Mindy seemed flushed.
"I'll be alright Dave. It's just a little cut," Mindy said, pulling her hand away. She threw a dollar in her swear jar on her way out of the kitchen and went upstairs to get a band-aid from the bathroom.
"That girl has a few rough edges," Sarah admitted.
"I think that's part of her charm," Dave said, taking up the knife and continuing where Mindy left off. "I wouldn't want her any other way."
Sarah sighed, "You certainly look out for her like an older brother."
"I do what I can just to keep up."
Marcus came into the kitchen and went straight for the stove to take a taste of the broth, "What happened with Mindy?"
"Mindy cut herself preparing the vegetables," Dave said, still on the cutting board.
"She's usually so good with a knife," Marcus said, eyeing Dave.
"There's a first time for everything. Maybe she got distracted?" Sarah offered.
"Maybe she's got a lot on her mind. We're still planning out our revenge on those girls who tricked Mindy," Dave said, setting down the knife. He poured the vegetables into the pot.
"How goes the planning?" Sarah asked, "Can I help?"
"I don't really know what Mindy has in mind," Dave admitted, "Today was pretty much recon so far. Mindy hasn't been in school for very long and doesn't know the cliques & social structures. A crash course in Mean Girls was perfect for her. Heathers, Marcus' suggestion, was a little much though."
Sarah glared at Marcus, "Was that the one with Wynona Ryder?"
"Yeah," Marcus nodded, "They need to know they're limits. Mean Girls is at the ok end of the spectrum, Heathers is the not ok part of the spectrum."
Mindy came down the stairs, "My idea should fit in right between the two." She sat down on a stool next to Dave. "After lunch, I was thinking Dave & I could go shopping for supplies."
"Where are you going?" Marcus asked.
Sarah followed up with, "When will you be back?"
Dave looked between the two adults, their questions followed perfectly after another, he almost felt as if it was rehearsed.
"Jersey. We should be back by 6," Mindy answered evenly.
Marcus focused on Mindy, "What could be so important you have to go all the way out there?"
"We'll have to go shopping for a dress & makeup for Mindy to show up those girls. Without a doubt, they'd be going to a local mall. I wouldn't want to run into them there," Dave reasoned, relying on his expertise back when he was acting gay, "Trendy girls like that wouldn't go all the way to Jersey. They'd got to SoHo or Fifth Avenue."
"And you could probably find a thrift store for some decent jewelry. Just like that song 'Thrift shop'," Sarah offered.
"And you're okay with this?" Marcus asked, "Letting Mindy go off alone with a boy you just met?"
"He's taken good care of her so far," Sarah said, walking over to the pot and stirring it. She looked towards Dave, "You will be taking care of her, right David?"
"Of course ma'am," Dave said, miming a boxer, "No one's gonna mess with your daughter while I'm around."
Sarah laughed while Marcus looked on incredulously.
"My hero," Mindy deadpanned, but a smile cracked through as Dave continued with his antics.
"Enough of that David," Sarah smiled, "Lunch is ready."
After lunch, Sarah volunteered to drive Mindy and Dave to the nearest subway station. Dave sat behind Sarah & Mindy sat across from him. As soon as they were clear of the driveway, Sarah started up the conversation.
"So I'm guessing the plan is to blow the girls away with a Mindy makeover?" she looked back at Dave with the rear view mirror.
Dave nodded brightly, "Mindy's going to show up those mean girls at their own game and make that stupid boy wish he'd never ditched her in the first place."
Sarah laughed, "So, any ideas where to start?"
Seeing as Mindy seemed to be tuning them out, Dave made a show of sizing up Mindy, "Mindy's got the nicest green eyes. A green dress would compliment them nicely."
"That's a bit too easy," Sarah said, "How about if we went red, for contrast?"
"What do you think Mindy?" Dave looked to the girl beside him.
Mindy sighed, "I'll know it when I see it."
Unperturbed Sarah continued, "Mindy honey, you know what I've never seen you wear? Purple. That could be a nice colour on you."
Dave looked over to Mindy, who turned her head to hide her smirk. He almost thought she was going to let the matter drop, until Mindy spoke up.
"Purple doesn't agree with me," Mindy said, addressing the two of them. "I don't want to look like a walking, talking grape or anything."
Now it was Dave's turn to look away to hide his grin. He never thought Hit-Girl would ever denounce purple. As he watched the scenery pass by, he noticed at barbershop as they passed by.
"What about a new hairdo? Or maybe you could dye your hair?" Dave asked. This time, he enjoyed seeing Mindy flinch.
"I like my hair the way it is," Mindy said, sounding a surprisingly defensive.
"I'm sorry Mindy, but I have to agree with David on this one. I think you need to do something different to your hair. All I've ever seen you have are pigtails, a ponytail or simply loose," Sarah paused, as if in thought, "You know, I think I have an old set of hair curlers."
Mindy crossed her arms, "I don't want to end up looking like Taylor Swift."
"Actually, I think she wears her hair straight nowadays," Dave countered. He averted his gaze, knowing she'd be glaring at him for his comment.
Sarah shook her head, "How about we compromise with slightly wavy hair. It will make you look like an elegant lady."
Fingering her hair slightly, Mindy gave the barest nod, "I think I'm ok with that."
They rode on in companionable silence until they passed by a billboard ad for cosmetics, Sarah continued, "I assume you two will be buying makeup too? I'd share whatever I have with you Mindy, but our complexions are so different, all I'd really be able to offer you is lip gloss. David?"
Dave turned to study Mindy. It was hard to look at Mindy without losing himself, but forced himself to look at her in 'makeover mode'.
"You're staring," Mindy said, turning away from him.
Realising he'd been looking too long, Dave rolled with it, "You're so pretty." He punched her slightly, making sure to keep his wrist bent, keeping up appearances. "I agree with the lip gloss. Maybe add in a little eye liner and some minimal powder and that's it. To be honest, Mindy barely needs any makeup."
"You are such a sap," Mindy said, smiling.
Sarah sighed, "It's great to have some girl time alone to ourselves isn't it?"
"Yes," Dave said, making an exaggerated face and winking at Mindy, "Yes it is."
Dave had only seen Mindy McCready burst out in uncontrollable laughter a handful of times. This one was the best so far.
So I was wrong about this fic being exclusively based on the movies. In the comics, Mindy's mom left Damon and married Marcus. I really liked how both Mindy & Marcus had to tiptoe around the subject of Hit-Girl around her and wanted to have a character like that in my fic.
Thanks for reading.