hi! guess who did editing for once! i mean it's still a mess but maybe slightly less of a mess than usual? idk. there's one line in here that i know is ooc, but i couldn't help but leave it in. don't judge me.

once again, thank you all so much for your reviews, favorites, and follows! i really appreciate it. enjoy the new chapter!

disclaimer: so i'm gonna fight jkr and get the rights bc somehow? she managed to fuck up harry potter? again? seriously though why does cursed child exist


ACT 1

SCENE 7 - THE DEATH DAY PARTY

NARRATOR: Lights up on Nearly Headless Nick.

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Welcome! Welcome one and all to my deathday party!

"…is that the same actor that played Snape?"

Hermione elbowed Ron. "Professor Snape," she hissed, glancing over to where said professor was sitting.

Ron frowned. "Right, Professor Snape. Same actor?"

Ginny consulted her paper before cheerfully announcing that yes, it was, in fact, the same actor. Snape scowled, as expected, since he never seems to do anything but since they all started watching the musicals.

This Hallow's Eve is my 506th deathday! It's going to be a night to remember! So have a drink! Enjoy the music! (Nick finishes his speech and approaches Ron) Hello, Mr. Weasley!

RON: (sounding very melancholy) Oh, hey Nick. Happy…deathday.

"Fake Ron," Fred said to the screen. "Dearest fake little brother o' mine."

"What's got you so down in the dumps?" George continued.

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: You look glum, Mr. Weasley. What ails you?

RON: Well, Hermione really wanted to come to your deathday party 'cause she thought it would be intellectually stimulating. So I told her we could make a date out of it, but…she didn't show.

Luna reached out and gave Ron's knee a gentle pat. "For your parody self," she said simply before settling back into her beanbag. Ron stared at the back of her head before shrugging, just accepting Luna's tendencies.

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Oh, Ron, Ron, Ron! Why don't you talk to some of the other girls? Just don't talk to the Grey Lady, okay? I'm trying to get up enough nerve to buy her a drink.

"Oh god," Harry said. "I—never mind I don't want you guys to visualize what I thought of."

Luna giggled, "The Grey Lady in real life doesn't speak much to Nearly Headless Nick, or any of the other ghosts; I wonder what her parody is like. I hope we see her!"

RON: You should go for it.

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: By golly, you're right! I should. No. I'll do it next year. I'll be fine as long as she doesn't make out with that bastard the Headless Horseman!

"Why do I have the strangest feeling she'll do exactly that?" Hermione asked dryly. Ginny snickered.

(Harry enters and holds the door for Cho and Lavender, who enter behind him)

CHO: Well, thank you, Harry Potter! Bless your heart!

HARRY: No problem.

"Someone doesn't look too happy." Sirius grinned.

LAVENDER: (Lavender points to the benches where Ron sits) Hey, Cho. I'll be waiting over here for you all night. And you look really pretty by the way.

CHO: Oh bless your heart, Lavender! But you don't have to lie to me. I look awful! Just awful!

Remus raised an eyebrow. "She's fishing for compliments?"

LAVENDER: No, Cho! You're the prettiest girl ever!

HARRY: (Harry looks impatient and bored) Wanna sit down?

CHO: Sure. Bye Lavender. (Harry and Cho sit down as Lavender sits on a bench next to Ron) Well, thank you for taking me out, Harry. Although, I must not be that fun to be around. I know I'm boring. Real boring. (Cho looks at Harry and pouts)

"Ah, definitely fishing for compliments."

HARRY: You're fine.

"Harry, I think your fake self—" Fred started.

"—doesn't like that he's expected to shower her in compliments?" Harry finished.

Fred and George blinked at Harry, who smiled at them mischievously. "I take it no one's ever interrupted your twin speech before."

They nodded. "You'd be the first."

Harry shrugged. "Always a first time for everything. Anyways, fake me—" he gestured at the screen "—probably expected Cho to be the one fawning over him. That's just how he is, I think."

CHO: No, you're just saying that to make me feel better. You know, when I was dating Cedric Diggory,

Everyone winced.

he always used to say real nice things to me. But he was probably lying, too.

"Cedric wouldn't," Harry said quietly.

I know I'm ugly and boring. (Cho pouts again)

HARRY: You're fine.

CHO: (Cho is getting a bit frustrated) Okay, well, I'm just gonna use the bathroom and powder my nose. My whole face is probably all oily and splotchy. Ain't it?

HARRY: You're fine, okay?

CHO: (Cho is now visibly irritated) Okay, well, I'll just be right back in a just a moment. (Cho exits. Ron approaches Harry)

RON: Hey there, good buddy. How you doing?

HARRY: Ron, Cho Chang sucks! All she does is just fish for compliments, it's the most annoying thing a girl can do! You know, when me and Ginny dated we'd stay up all night talking about my fame, and my fortune, and how busy I always am. Why can't Cho do that?

RON: When you were dating Ginny you kinda took her for granted.

Ginny snorted. "No shit."

(Dean enters and holds open the door)

DEAN: Ladies first. (Seamus enters with Ginny)

SEAMUS: Right this way, Miss Weasley.

Ginny looked surprised, but also faintly pleased. "Oh, that's nice. Are the three of us dating each other or are they sharing me?"

"Wait, what?"

"Because right now Seamus and I have an arrangement where we—what? Why are you all looking at me like that?"

Luna turned around to pat Ginny's knee this time. "I don't think they know and now isn't really the time for a lesson on poly relationships, Ginny."

"Right, but I'm still curious—"

"Maybe it'll come up later," Luna said. "Let's just watch and see."

GINNY: Oh, thank you, boys. (Ginny takes each boy by the arm. Harry notices)

HARRY: Wait a second, what?! Is that Ginny…on a date with Seamus and Dean?! I'll take care of this, I got this. (Cho enters and grabs Harry before he can walk over to Ginny, Seamus and Dean)

Ginny tapped her chin thoughtfully. "You know, my parody-self got over parody-Harry a lot faster than I did."

CHO: Oh Harry! I'm back! Although I probably still look ugly, don't I?

HARRY: You're fine! Let's just go grab a drink. (Harry and Cho go off to get a drink. Ron returns to his bench. Ginny, Seamus and Dean take a seat at a table)

CHO: Okay!

GINNY: Guys, thanks for taking me to Nearly Headless Nick's deathday party. This is the best day—durh! (Suddenly Ginny's eyes cross and she enters a trance-like state; Tom Riddle appears in the doorway)

"Did I just get cockblocked by fucking Voldemort?"

"Ginny!" Hermione exclaimed as everyone else burst into peals of laughter. "Language!" But even Hermione couldn't hold back her laughter for long.

Ginny herself looked vaguely disgusted, but the expression was tinged with surprise. "Well, that's never something I expected to say."

"We don't care!" Fred and George said immediately. "That was amazing!"

"Mum would've had a fit if she were here," Ron said brightly.

"And I am so, so glad she isn't."

TOM RIDDLE: Come to me, slave. Now is the time.

GINNY: I have to go to the bathroom now. (Ginny and Tom Riddle exit)

DEAN: That's cool. We'll be here. (Seamus turns to Dean)

SEAMUS: Alright Dean. So here's how this is gonna work. We is gonna wine and dine this honey! We is gonna get her hot and mad bothered! We is gonna make her fall in love with us!

"So it's the three of us dating then?"

And then…you'll snog her!

"Or not?"

DEAN: HA! Sounds like a plan to me. (Harry overhears this and abandons Cho)

HARRY: Hey, hey, hey! Quit trying to snog my girlfriend!

"Harry, you're the one that broke up with her," Neville said. "You can't police who she dates."

Harry groaned. "Have I mentioned that I hate this version of me yet?"

DEAN: Say what!?

SEAMUS: Yeah! Bugger off, Potter!

DEAN: She ain't your girlfriend no more, HP.

HARRY: You stay outta this, Seamus! Dean, bro, don't play me like this! I would never do this to you. Remember all those time we— (Harry starts talking about all the great memories he and Dean share. Lights down on that scene. Lights come up on Ron and Lavender, who are sitting on the bench in the corner)

LAVENDER: Hey Ron.

RON: Oh. Hey there, Lavender Brown.

"Oh?" George said.

"Won-Won, are you about to finally date Lavender?" Fred asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"But aren't I dating Hermione?" Ron asked. He frowned. "I wouldn't cheat on her. Er, that is, I don't think parody-me would cheat on her. Not that actual me would cheat on you, either, Hermione! But we aren't dating so I—" Ron floundered for a moment, looking anywhere but at an amused, flushed looking Hermione before saying, "I give up," and slumping in his seat. Luna patted his knee again.

LAVENDER: So… (Lavender begins talking but is talking in a very quiet mumble)

RON: What? (Ron gets closer to hear her better)

LAVENDER: (very quiet mumble)

RON: What did you say to me? (Ron gets even closer to Lavender)

LAVENDER: (very quiet mumble)

RON: I can't hear you! What? (Ron is now about an inch away from Lavender. Lavender quickly gives him a tiny kiss on the cheek)

RON: Oh no! (Ron stands up) I cheated on my girlfriend.

"Ron, that is not how cheating works."

"Musical me is kind of an idiot, isn't he?"

"Well, he is based off of you."

"Thanks, Ginny."

I did it. I'm nothing but a no-good, low-down, rotten, fat, ugly, cheating scumbag. I better go tell Hermione. (Ron starts to leave but Lavender grabs his hand)

"At least he was going to tell her what happened," Neville said.

LAVENDER: No. Stay with me. We're dating now.

RON: No, Lavender Brown, we need to talk about our relationship.

LAVENDER: (hurt) Why?

RON: I don't know if things are gonna work out.

Ginny coughed politely. Harry cleared his throat. Neville avoided Ron's gaze.

(Lights down on Ron and Lavender as they talk about their relationship. Nearly Headless Nick enters. He looks around to see everyone arguing)

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Hm. This night doesn't seem to be working out for anyone. Oh well, I won't let that get me down! I'm going to go and find the Grey Lady and drink! (Nearly Headless Nick goes over to an archway and pulls back a curtain to reveal the Grey Lady making out with a jack-lo-lantern on top of the Headless Horseman's body) What?! Horseman you bastard! You know I like the Grey Lady! Horseman, what do you have to say for yourself?!

"Wow, they actually got someone in character!"

"I mean, the Horseman was kind of a jerk."

(The Headless Horseman tries to explain himself with body language) Nothing! Just as I thought! You coward! Way to ruin it, Grey Lady!

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Always blaming it on the woman."

(Lights down on that argument. Lights up on the argument between Harry and Dean. Harry is finishing his piece)

HARRY: —and that's how I saved the school and the world! Remember that?

DEAN: You know what, HP? You did us a solid when you saved the school all those times…but Ginny is not your property!

Ginny smiled approvingly.

HARRY: But that's not fair!

"Why is musical me like this."

CHO: Well, I can see that I'm just getting in your way. Stupid me, thinking someone as ugly as me could ever have a fun date with Harry Potter. (Cho pouts)

SEAMUS: Bollocks! (Seamus takes her hand) Your face shines brighter than Dumbledore's patronus, it does!

Hermione turned to Dumbledore. "How bright—"

"Moving on!" Ginny said as she clapped a hand over Hermione's mouth.

HARRY: Cho, stop fishing for compliments! Okay!? Nobody cares! We're trying to talk! So just shut up! (Cho is taken aback)

DEAN: (Dean stands up) You best check yourself, HP. Now I see why Ginny dumped your ass.

Ginny leaned forward a bit so she could see Harry. "I would definitely dump you if you acted like that if we were dating."

Harry nodded in agreement. "I wouldn't expect anything less."

HARRY: No, no, I dumped her ass, Dean! You know what?! We've got beef, Dean! We've got beef!

DEAN: We got beef!

SEAMUS: Oy! You can't have beef with Dean! He's my mate! Now we got beef, Potter! We got beef!

CHO: Nobody talks to me like that! We've got beef, Harry! We've got beef!

"I've got beef with me," Harry grumbled. Neville awkwardly gave him a few back pats in an attempt at comfort.

Now, take this! (Cho slaps Harry. Harry falls backwards. As he does he steps over to Ron and Lavender's argument)

LAVENDER: So we're on a break now?!

RON: You are always like this!

LAVENDER: Oh! Well, then just call it quits, Ron Weasley! Take this! (Lavender tries to slap Ron but he ducks. Lavender's slap goes over Ron and hits Harry in the face)

HARRY: OW! (Harry is knocked backwards in the other direction. Harry wobbles his way toward Nearly Headless Nick and The Headless Horseman's argument)

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: That's it! You're going to face me in a duel, sir! (Headless Horseman can't answer) Hiyah! (Nick attempts to slap the Headless Horseman's Jack-o-Lantern head, but the Grey Lady quickly removes it. Nick's slap goes over the Horseman and hits Harry in the face)

HARRY: OW! (Harry is knocked in another direction. Draco is crossing the stage. Draco takes out a roller skate and sets it down in the center of the stage)

DRACO: Oh, this looks like a fine spot for my roller skate. (Harry steps on the roller skate and slides in another direction)

HARRY: WOAH! (Neville enters with a large birthday cake)

NEVILLE: Happy deathday! Hope you like banana cream! (Harry runs into Neville and the cake smacks him in the face. Harry wobbles backwards)

HARRY: Ahh! (Draco walks to another part of the stage)

DRACO: And this looks like a fine spot for my marbles. (Draco puts some marbles on the ground. Harry stumbles into the marbles and looses his balance)

HARRY: Whoa! (McGonagall enters with a large ice sculpture)

MCGONAGALL: I've finally finished the ice sculpture! (Harry smashes through the ice sculpture and finally falls to the ground; flat on his ass) Oh, the ice sculpture!

HARRY: Ahh! (Everyone in the room turns to Harry)

"Oh, Harry," Hermione shook her head fondly.

Luna giggled. "You can never catch a break, can you?"

Harry sighed. "I guess I'll get a break when I'm dead."

Dumbledore looked guiltily at the ceiling, trying not to think about how that might be sooner rather than later if everything went according to his plans.

EVERYONE: Harry! (Gilderoy quickly peeks out of the door)

GILDEROY: Great job, Potter! You ruined the deathday party!

EVERYONE: (angrily) Thanks, Harry!

HARRY: No, no! But I…

CHO: Come on, ya'll! Let's get outta here! (everyone but Harry and Ron exit. Ron approaches Harry and tries to put a hand on his shoulder)

RON: Are you okay, pal? (Harry pulls away)

"Am I ever?" Harry mumbled under his breath.

HARRY: Don't touch me. (Hermione enters)

HERMIONE: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

RON: Ah! Hermione!

HERMIONE: I've just been so busy with all these extra-credit essays I'm doing for Gilderoy Lockhart.

Hermione turned pink at the reminder.

HARRY: Well—freaking—well, if it isn't Hermione Stranger. Or should I say, Hermione the Traitor.

Hermione frowned. "Wait, what did she do?"

You didn't do my potions essay!

"You've got to be kidding me."

Because of that I had to do it! So it never got done! And I failed! Your plan to ruin my life has worked out pretty nicely.

HERMIONE: I'm sorry…

HARRY: Yeah, yeah you're sorry! You're a sorry excuse for a friend!

"Well that's a little cruel, don't you think?"

HERMIONE: You know what, Harry?! You need to calm down! You're acting way too angsty for your age! This is just like how you were in fifth year when—

"Hey! I think my attitude last year was justified, even if, you know, none of you deserved it."

NARRATOR: Hermione's voice is drowned out as the lights change and we hear the echoing Mysterious Voice yet again.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Ssssnake. I'm a sssnake. I'm huge. A huge snake. I'm a ton bigger than you'd expect. You could make like a 1000 ssshoes out of me, or a million little purses. Or two really big boots or sssomething. Sssnake… (The mysterious voice quiets)

"I did read that basilisk skin is quite durable. About the same as dragon hide, if not stronger!"

"Thanks for telling us, Hermione."

"Were you being sarcastic with me, Harry Potter?"

"Uh, sorry."

"You better be."

HARRY: Wait, wait, Hermione! Quiet down for a sec! Do you guys here that!?

HERMIONE: Hear what?

HARRY: It's that voice again. (We hear the mysterious voice again)

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Oh shit! I think that kid hearssss me, I better get back to the Chamber of Secrets!

"And stay there," Ginny said. "Please."

HARRY: The Chamber of Secrets?! Come on, guys! We gotta follow that voice! (Harry runs off)

RON: I didn't hear anything!

HERMIONE: Yeah, what voice, Harry?! (Ron and Hermione follow Harry. Harry, Ron, and Hermione come across Ginny and a petrified Nearly Headless Nick) Oh no! It's Nearly Headless Nick! And he's petrified.

HARRY: Ginny, what's going on?!

"She's not going to know," Ginny said quietly.

GINNY: Huh? (Ginny snaps out of a trance)

HARRY: What happened?!

GINNY: I don't know!

HARRY: What do you mean you don't know?! You were standing right there! Some help you are. Why don't you go snog Dean or something?!

"Why is he so insensitive all the time, I don't understand," Harry complained.

GINNY: Fine! Maybe I will! (Ginny exits)

HARRY: Whatever.

HERMIONE: Harry, what are looking for?

HARRY: I heard a voice back there. The same voice I heard before Colin Creevey was petrified. I think it was the Chamber of Secrets monster. Just look for a clue or something, I don't know. (Turns to Ron) Did you find anything, Ron? (Harry approaches Ron)

RON: No. Nothing. Just of an endless parade of spiders leaving the castle.

Ron shuddered.

HARRY: Good riddance. Damn spiders. I hate spiders.

Ron nodded furiously. "They're the worst."

Wait! Maybe one of those spiders saw what happened here! Dammit! If only I had the power to talk to spiders instead of this useless ability to talk to snakes that I never use.

"I wouldn't call it worthless…it did help me as much as hurt me in second year."

Come on! Let's follow them!

RON: I don't know Harry. I'm afraid of spi-spi-spi—bugs. And it looks like they're headed for the Forbidden Forest.

HARRY: They could lead us to the monster! I have to save the school or I might as well be dead! Come on. (The kids exit)

"He's almost as bad as the real you, Harry," Hermione commented. "Always running straight for danger."

"To be fair, I do try to tell adults or get their help beforehand," Harry pointed out. "It's just that no one listens to me. Or no one tells me if they're going to help or not. Or there isn't enough time for me to wait for them to get help."

"You aren't wrong," Hermione acknowledged.

"Thanks, I know."

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