Things not to do on the Mobile Command Unit

There are some things that SHIELD's agents really shouldn't do… as Coulson's team learns the hard way.

Author's Note:

I just saw the first episode of Agents of SHIELD, and, well, I got a little over-enthusiastic with writing a "Things Not to Do" list for the show.

I usually wait a few episodes to write anything a show, but Agents of SHIELD is just too great to be ignored. Anyways, on with the story!

Things not to do on the Mobile Command Unit

The list just sort of appeared one day, innocently hanging on a clipboard, looking inconspicuous. It was only when Agent Coulson tried to take it down did he discover it had been glued to the wall with some extremely powerful glue.

He noted that there was already one rule on the list:

1-The low-fat chocolate pudding is not to be hoarded.

Coulson knew what had prompted that, but he decided not to dwell on it. The incident had ended with the plane in free-fall until the supplies were redistributed.

2- I don't care if "It needed done." When Mr. Stark is aboard, do not grease the loading ramp.

Tony had stepped onto the ramp- and got in some quality flight time before his armor caught up.

3-Under no case is Lola to be used for HALO operations.

That one had been added immediately after Ward was overheard discussing the possibility of using the flying car as a method of deploying agents into an active combat zone.

4-The truth-serum war ends now!

It had started with merely embarrassing questions. It had ended with a distraught Colson admitting to swallowing a live frog by accident.

5-Modifying the knockout rifle to fire Tylenol is a really bad idea.

This rule was left without comment or explanation. It was better that way, it really was.

6-Strawberry Jell-O is not to be hoarded, either.

The command base had once again become a Zero-G area until Skye surrendered the Jell-O.

7- I don't care how effective it is-Laxatives are not to be loaded in the knockout gun!

An entire terrorist base had surrendered in exchange for access to a Porta-Potty.

8-The Secure Information Center is not to be used for spam.

The president had triggered an investigation into SHIELD's funding after receiving more than a million messages.


Coulson wasn't sure what prompted his team to write "S.H.I.E.L.D. was Here." large enough to be seen for several hundred miles, but he preferred they not attempt any repeat performances.

10-No, you may not write on Skye, either!

The hacker added that note to the list, with "No Intelligence Zone" still emblazoned on her forehead.

11-Turtles. Sixty thousand feet. Never again.

Coulson read the rule carefully, twice, before deciding that it was probably better that he didn't know.

12- Once again- The person(s) who modified the water heater will please surrender themselves for disciplinary action.

The showers came in two types - Chillingly Cold or Coffee with Creamer

13- The five-mile-long elastic wire stowed in the cargo bay is the antenna for the Extremely-Low-Frequency-Radio. YOU MAY NOT USE IT FOR BUNGIE-JUMPING!

Thankfully, that plan had been stopped before anyone tried such a thing.

14-You may not tie it to the shoelaces of ground-based politicians, ether.

Fortunately, Agent May had noticed the antenna warning light before one extremely-annoying senator was treated to an intercontinental flight.

15- Agent Melinda May' s cooking is not to be referred to as "The Revenge of the MRE."

Until they got a proper flight crew, the team had to deal with all the chores themselves. Agent May's turn to cook found the table set with six unopened, cold-war-era Meals Ready To Eat.

16- Or "That time she used Coulson's face as an MRE-package Opener."

Coulson had opened his big mouth.

17-There is no situation where using the Mobile Command Post to play chicken with an oil rig is "Just normal operating procedures."

This was left without explanation.

18- Never ask Coulson about the "Refried TAZER Surprise" incident.

Skye had did her best, but all the reports were classified with level-ten security "For access by Director Fury Only". All she could find was vague references to a KFC run, a 'scary chicken mask' and a person by the name "Darcy".

19- There is no viable alternative to gravity, please stop trying.

A hostile fighter had prompted Agent May to put the Mobile Command Unit through some extremely fancy maneuvers.

Including the one that had resulted in Agents Fitz, Simmons, and Coulson running across the ceiling to reach the bathrooms in time.

Continuity note: The "nite-nite gun" is referred to by various names here, mostly because the crew of the Mobile Command Unit/ The Bus doesn't seem to have decided on a name for it yet.

Also, for those unfamiliar with military acronyms used by paratroopers, HALO stands for High-Altitude, Low-Opening - essentially, a parachute mission where the person falls most of the way, and only parachutes the last bit. It's tricky, dangerous, and a flamethrower-armed flying car would probably help out a lot.

Author's note: Well? What do you think? Review and let me know!