Desserts, Peppermint and fun


A Soft Breeze on your neck, the summer air, or a mysterious stranger with deadly intentions breathing down your neck? Welcome to Night-Vale

"The City Counsel has declared that Orange Juice has been band via standing outside of City Hall and shouting "Don't drink the juice, the orange juice!" The Sheriff's Secret Police have all been rounding up Orange Juice from different stores and dumping it down various drains, sinks, and even toilets."

"In other news, and I'm excited to say this Night Vale, it seems we have another new celebrity in town. Rose Lalonde, Author of the famous series Complacency of the Learned and other novels, has come to town for a book signing at the library. I do hope we can find her and conduct an interview. It's been a while since we've had an author come visit us, I remember interviewing George Orwell's moving Corpse, who held his seminal novel 1984 in the air and shouted "I was right, hahahahaha." Such a pleasant man, it's a pity the Librarians tore him apart. And Miss Lalonde, if you're listening, be sure to pack lots of Librarian repellent when you visit the library.

"I have just received a fax from our new intern Kurt. It's from the City Council, they've informed us that the sun is no longer giving heat, and judging from the decrease in temperature in the building, and the AC being broken, I can only believe this to be true. So, wrap up when you go outside listeners."

"I have a surprise for you listeners today. We've got an interview lined up with a frequent tourist of Night-Vale. Please join me, listeners, in welcoming, Peppermint Butler."

Chair sounds, someone sitting

PB: "Hey man, nice to be on the show."

CB: "Why thank you, listeners, this is Peppermint Butler, a sharp dressed piece of sentient candy from the Land of Ooo. He comes to Night-Vale frequently, so tell us, what draws you to this quaint little town?"

PB: "Well Cecil, it's hard to find a place so thrown out of whack in space and time, and it always costs me the souls of five hapless travelers to cross over the barrier from my world, but it is worth it. Night Vale has beautiful weather, and it's full of my friends. I can't get a good bloodstone anywhere else, and I'm always sure to stock up. Better still, my friends have just settled down and opened up that new Dog Park, they've done some lovely redecorating."

CB: "Ah yes, the hooded figures, they're friends of yours?"

PB: "Of Course, we usually get together every two months or so to play cards, your management comes along for the ride most of the time, always a devil with that pokerface.

CB: "Why what a surprise, it's good to know that the Station Management know how to kick back once in a while, and they're not all business."

PB: "You said it, Management always is sure to bring something new to the table, Hunson and I always take turns guessing what will appear. Anyway, Night-Vale is the only place I can get invisible corn!"

CB: "Go on!"

PB: "No I'm serious, no one sells invisible corn."

CB: "Wow, they don't know what they're missing."

PB: "And the libraries, I tell you man, I can find no collection of Helen Hunt's life as good as this, none at all."

CB: "Have you ever had any trouble with the librarians?"

PB: "None at all, they cower away from me in delicious fear, I took one home with me, but my boss didn't allow any pets of horribleness in the castle?"

CB: "Castle I hear?"

PB: "Ah yes, merely my place of business, a butler's work is never done."

CB: "So, how did you come to Night-Vale?"

PB: "Well the host of our poker nights, and he is an excellent host, sent me here accidently once with your management. I had quite a bit of fun at the imaginary waterfront."

CB: "I'm sorry Peppermint Butler, but Intern Kurt is informing me that it's time for a word from our sponsor."

PB: "Oh it's fine, advertisement keeps many a business afloat."

"Walls, all around you, extending higher, higher, and higher, as you look up and struggle to see the ceiling, they move closer, closer, closer. You stare at them, wondering if it was a trick of your mind, wondering how you got into a door less room. The walls seem to be moving, the cement seems to be making noises, are they voices? You scream again and again, uselessly… All this and more at Wal-Mart! Save Money, Live… Possibly."

CB: "Sorry for that interruption, Peppermint Butler, you may continue."

PB: "Oh no, I understand, as I said, business is business."

CB: "If you don't mind my asking, what are they doing in the dog park?"

PB: "Ooh, whatever it is, they don't want any prying eyes. They told me it was a secret."

*Wink

CB: "Oh my, well I'm sure we all can't wait for it."

PB: "NO YOU CAN'T."

CB: "Final question: Night-Vale's tourism board has just informed me that the toll is now 7 hapless travelers to traverse the barrier will this affect your visits?"

PB: "I find it unfortunate but I'll get by, there's always some hapless dimwit wandering about. Thanks for having me on the show Cecil."

CB: "And thank you to Peppermint Butler."

*Chair scraping, door opening and closing.

"Well, that was a lovely interview with a valued tourist. And now an update on the Orange Juice situation."

"The Sheriff's secret Police have attracted controversy by getting rid of Orange Soda in addition to Orange Juice, with detractors pointing out that they are too different. Mayor Pamela Winchell has put together a press conference regarding the difference, and said, and I quote "The color Orange is cruel, the color orange is evil, kill the pulp, kill the pulp. Carbonated or not, down with the drink."

"Widespread fires have been reported happening to our precious orange fields. Odd, as the invisible produce has never attracted a fire before, and most of our oranges are just imported. We also have reports coming in of the Sheriff's Secret Police knocking over fruit carts, and hitting them with their vehicles saying 'haha this is so much fun, it's like an action movie where the oranges go everywhere.' There are numerous sightings of The Sheriff's Secret Police throwing food on the street and stomping on it, which one viewer described as "silly" and "stupid-looking." Said citizen has now been reported for reprogramming."

"Now, dear listeners, I'm not one to question the decisions of our democratically elected by poison blow dart point, mayor, but I must say that we can't let orange juice go by the wayside. While orange Soda, like other sodas, is just empty calories, Orange Juice provides us with lots of Vitamin C, which our kids all need. We need to make sure our kids have the nourishment they deserve so they can grow up to be productive citizens of our dear little town."

"The Sheriff's department will be issuing a new statement, but first the weather according to the angels."

Zankoku na tenshi no you ni

Shonen yo, shinwa ni nare...

Aoi kaze ga ima mune no doa wo tataitemo,

Watashi dake wo tada mitsumete

Hohoenderu Anata

Sotto Fureru mono

Motomeru koto ni muchuu de,

Unmei sae mada shiranai itaikena hitomi

Dakedo itsuka kizuku deshou

Sono senaka ni wa

Haruka mirai mezasu tame no

Hane ga aru koto...

Zankoku na tenshi no te-ze

Madobe kara yagate tobitatsu

Hotobashiru atsui patosu de

Omoide wo uragiru nara

Kono zora wo daite kagayaku

Shonen yo, shinwa ni nare

Zutto nemutteru watashi no ai no yurikago

Anata dake ga yume no shisha ni

Yobareru asa ga kuru

Hosoi kubisuji wo tsukiakari ga utsushiteru

Sekai-ju- no toki wo tomete

Tojikometai kedo...

Moshi mo futari aeta koto ni imi ga aru nara,

Watashi wa, sou, jiyu- wo shiru

Tame no Baiburu

Zankoku na tenshi no te-ze

Kanashimi ga soshite hajimaru

Dakishimeta inochi no katachi

Sono yume ni mezameta toki

Dare yori mo hikari wo hanatsu

Shonen yo, shinwa ni nare

Hito wa ai wo tsumugi nagara rekishi wo tsukuru

Megami nante narenai mama

Watashi wa ikiru...

Zankoku na tenshi no te-ze

Madobe kara yagate tobitatsu

Hotobashiru atsui patosu de

Omoide wo uragiru nara

O-zora wo daite kagayaku

Shonen yo, shinwa ni nare

"Well, the City Counsel has released a new statement saying 'this is stupid,' they have now unbanned Orange Juice. Listeners, if you're still thirsty I encourage you to go out and buy some, Big Rico's Pizza still has an impressive stock which wasn't taken away, possibly because it was hidden."

"Author Rose Lalonde's book signing has been confirmed for next week. She's been seen in the company of another traveller, and from the candy colored horns and the grey skin, I can only conclude that it is a Troll from the good old nation of Alternia. I ask you, listeners, to be nice to her as it's rare we see one outside of Autumn where they descend on our town from space. The tourism board would like to remind her that we do have stocked Faygo, and that the Sheriff's Secret Police have insisted that our citizen's precious blood not be used for paint."

"Intern Kurt texted me a picture of Peppermint Butler meeting with two hooded figures at Subway. They seem to be enjoying sandwiches and small talk, Kurt writes. The next picture is of them exchanging a chalk white energy, the next is of the hooded figures staring at the camera, and the final picture seems to be a sign, possibly painted in blood that reads 'Oh God, help me.' The hand writing of this sign may be Kurt's but I do not know as he's only given me notes with me through texts and typed paper. Nevertheless, we bid farewell to Kurt, he was lost in the noble pursuit of Community Radio."

"And that concludes our broadcast dear listeners. Kurt's phone has delivered a picture of Peppermint Butler leaving Night-Vale with a suitcase full of blood stones, and a big ol' smile on his face, we wish you well sir."

"In addition to the book signing next week, where I've been informed, the City-Council will lift the ban on writing devices, there will be two side shows visiting in town. One is by Stan Pines titled "The Mystery Shack, mobile edition." The other is by Gideon Gleeful titled "Lil' Gideon's Show." I really like the elbow grease mom and pop feeling from this Mystery Shack, and I encourage you to check it out. This "Lil' Gideon thing," just kinda has the stink of corporations to it. It might find a better audience in Dessert Bluffs."

"Until next time, Good night Night-Vale, good night.


Welcome to Night-Vale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is Written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kramer and produced by Joseph Fink. The Voice of Night-Vale is Cecil Baldwin. I own none of it, neither do I own Adventure Time, Homestuck nor Gravity Falls.

Today's Weather was Cruel Angel's Thesis.

Today's Proverb: What's black, white and red all over? My newspaper when it started bleeding.