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Feeling like i can't forgive but i want to

It's like i don't know how to live i'm afraid to...

What I Wouldn't Give by Holly Brook

Callie stepped out of the elevator and stalked down the corridor of the surgical unit. She marched over to the OR board, scanning it and looking for one particular name. Her fury had increased and her angry muddled her thoughts as she kept looking at the board, searching for the room number she needed.

Owen Hunt was erasing and writing names as he assigned the ORs for the day's surgery schedule. When he heard someone come up to the board, he glanced over and offered a slight smile.

"Hey. I don't have you on the schedule until this afternoon." He kept working as she kept looking.

"I know," she said dismissively and kept scanning the whiteboard, then "Aha!" She turned away and stalked toward the OR in question, not thinking about still being dressed in her civilian clothing.

Owen glanced over as she left, then he did a double take as he saw her heading for an OR.

"Callie?" He called out, trying to get her attention when he noticed her trajectory. "Callie!"

She stopped when she heard her name, huffed and spin around.


He regarded her for a moment, looking a bit uncomfortable and nervous for a moment. He had never seen Callie this angry and he swallowed before he continued.

"Uh, where are you going?"

"To find my no good puta de una mujer. Tenemos algunas cosas para discutir. ¿Por qué?"i

Callie had reverted back into Spanish, her eyes narrowing slightly as her hands curled into fists.

Owen blinked and wasn't quite sure what to say, mainly because he was unsure what she had said. Before he could respond, she turned away and began stalking toward the OR again. He shook himself out of his stupor and called after her, trotting to physically stop her if he was forced to do so.

"Torres! Wait, you can't..." He eyed her up and down, motioning to her civilian clothing, but she misinterpreted his words.

"¿Llevan su lado? ¿Esto es porque me engañaste Cristina, así que ya sabes creo que entiendes lo que hizo? No te atrevas a Owen."ii

Callie started to turn away again, but he reached out and put a hand on her arm to halt her progress.


She jerked her arm away from him.

"Déjame en paz, no es asunto tuyo."iii

He put up his hands and shook his head, still not sure what she said, but he did recognize Cristina and his names. He indicated her outfit.

"Yo-Your clothes. You can't go into the OR dressed like that."

She blinked, not expecting that and looked down at herself.

"Dammit! She has me all...loco y no pensando en lo que estoy haciendo."iv

She took a deep breath, blew it out and gave Owen a wan smile.

"I'm sorry, jus-just forget what I said," she shook her head and headed for the gallery overlooking the OR where her wife was operating.

Owen watched her leave and scratched the back of his thinking if he knew what she had said, he might be more offended. He shrugged and went back to the task of filling out the OR board.

She pushed open the door to the OR gallery with a little more force than necessary. It banged against the wall and the small gathering of interns and residents looked up from their notes, conversations or snacks. She ignored the looks, some of which were ones of annoyance, and instead focused on the surgeons on the floor below.

"Wilson, retract a little more please," Arizona didn't even look up as she continued with the surgery on one of her tiny humans.

Hearing her voice just seemed to add fuel to the fire and Callie stepped to the intercom and pressed the talk button.

"Dr. Robbins, when you're finished there, I need to discuss something with you."

The Latina managed to keep a professional tone, but just barely.

Arizona heard her, but kept working. She didn't react or say anything for a few moments, then asked for irrigation. Jo Wilson glanced her way, then briefly glanced to the gallery.

"Dr. Robbins..., Dr. Torres..."

"Wilson, retract just a little more."

Her tone was cool and professional, but it was clear to everyone observing that Arizona wanted the intern to mind her own business.

"Dr. Robbins?" Callie narrowed her gaze a bit and spoke into the intercom again. "Arizona, dammit, don't ignore me!"

The group of interns and residents looked back and forth from Torres to Robbins as if they were watching a ping pong match and leaned to whisper to each other as they observed what was going on.

"Dr. Wilson, would you kindly inform Dr. Torres that the dead can't speak," she still never looked up and her hands never stopped working on her patient.

Callie felt her heart drop a little at her wife's words. She honestly didn't think the blonde was aware of the story that was concocted for the benefit of the hospital's donors. However, she wasn't going to be shamed into silence and she punched the intercom again.


The blonde interrupted her and finally looked up at Wilson, her blue eyes narrowing.

"Tell her the dead can't hear either," her words had a bite to them, masking the emotions she fought back, which threatened to disrupt her surgery.

"Dr. Tor-Torres," Jo hesitantly spoke, looking up to the gallery again.

"Oh, no. No nononono. You don't get to turn this around on me. This is about you and your assumptions that I wanted out of our marriage."

Arizona had had enough and glanced up at the gallery. She could see the audience they had, part of which was seated in the gallery, as well as the operating room with her.

"Dr. Torres, this is neither the time nor the place for this discussion."

"Don't tell me when and where I can speak, Dr. Robbins. I have a right to speak my mind, wherever and whenever I wish."

It was as if she couldn't restrain herself. Callie had no intentions of starting a fight over the intercom, but one thing had lead to another and here they were.

"Dr. Torres. Leave the gallery. You are disrupting my OR."

Arizona's voice could have instantaneously frozen water and her eyes were blue ice chips.

Callie fumed and started to respond, but was quickly cut off.


They stared at each other for several moments, Arizona with her hands out of the patient, her instruments set to the side and her gloved hands folded together to keep from breaking the sterile field.

Callie finally caved and turned with a huff, muttering in Spanish again.

Arizona glanced at the others in the gallery, then back to Jo, before selecting an instrument and looking back down.

"I need more retraction, Wilson."

She blinked back the burn from her eyes and tried to ignore the many stares from the audience in the gallery and from those in the OR. She continued with her procedure, feeling the tension in her shoulders and along her body as she continued to work silently, only speaking to give instructions to Wilson or ask for an instrument from one of the nurses.

Just as she was finishing up, she felt a slow burning sensation starting to develop in her residual limb as she completed the last stitch. She placed her instruments down on the tray and tried not to grimace as she glanced at Jo.

"Close up, Dr. Wilson. Good work."

She turned and walked away, trying not to limp as the pain suddenly grew worse and seemed to shoot down her leg, a leg that no longer existed. Arizona peeled off her gloves and gown, tossing them in the appropriate bins as she walked out of the OR to the scrub room. She quickly scrubbed out, knowing she needed to go speak with worried parents before she could go hide out in her office and try to work through another episode of phantom leg pain.

Arizona sighed as she also felt a headache developing as she thought about a possible confrontation with her wife. Walking out of the scrub room, she stopped at the nurse's station and rubbed at her temples. She smiled slightly at the nurse manning the station.

"Hey, Ruth. Is there any Motrin in the first aid kit?"

She rubbed the back of her neck and thought how great a massage would feel just as she felt another pang shoot down her leg. She grimaced and looked at the nurse, checking through the first aid kit.

"Find any?"

She snapped a bit anxiously. She knew the Motrin would be almost ineffectual against the phantom leg pain, but it would head off her headache.

"Sorry, Dr. Robbins. Looks like we're out," the older woman gave her an sympathetic smile.

"Dammit. Get that kit refilled. It is ridiculous you can't find a damn pill in a hospital when you need it."

Arizona immediately felt bad, but another pang hit before she could apologize and she used her fist to hit her thigh.


i"...of a wife, we have something to discuss, why?"

ii "Are you taking her side? Is this because you cheated on Cristina, so you know think you understand what she did? Don't you dare Owen."

iii "Leave me alone, it is none of your business."

iv "crazy and and not thinking about what I am doing"