This fic is so dumb.
Just a bit of warning, this fic will update extremely sporadically. It's pretty much whenever I get stupid ideas that I can feel like I can run with.
This chapter contains SPOILERS for manga. So if you aren't caught up with the manga you'll likely not want to read this.
The first time he heard it he was confused.
"The carriage is all ready." Jean stood at attention. "Mr. Rivaille, sir."
Levi was about to say very good when the last words made him pause. "Mr. Rivaille?"
Jean turned slightly red. "S-sorry, was that inappropriate? I just thought in public it would be better to call you by your last name instead of Captain all the time."
"My last name?" Levi asked, confused.
"Y-yes, sir." Now Jean looked confused too. "Isn't Rivaille your last name, sir?"
"No, I don't have a last name." Levi straightened his jacket more forcibly then needed. "And even if I did it most certainly would not be Rivaille. That would be like naming your child Bob Bob. Who in their right mind would do that?"
"There was a guy in my village back home named that," Sasha pointed out helpfully.
There was a moment of silence as Jean and Levi stared at her. "I rest my case," said Levi.
"Levi has to have a last name," Eren argued when Jean delivered the news later that night. Normally Armin would have thought Eren was just saying the opposite of whatever Jean did to annoy Jean but in this instance he actually agreed with his slightly suicidal homicidal friend.
"Eren does have a point. Even if Captain Levi wasn't born with a last name the survey corps surely would have given him one when he first enrolled, wouldn't they? Um, for paperwork and stuff."
"Maybe." Jean shrugged. He didn't appear entirely too interested in whatever Levi's last name was. "All I know is that it isn't Rivaille. What genius thought up that anyway?"
Nobody would answer, even though Armin knew it had been Eren.
Eren's fist struck the wood of the table. "I'll find out what his last name is. Just you wait."
"No one's waiting for you," said Jean and Eren's fist went from the table straight to Jean's jaw and the two resumed once again their fighting habits.
Sasha smiled at the chaos, bits of potato between her teeth. "Just like old times."
"I'll show that Jean." Eren rubbed at his swollen face. "I will find out what Levi's last name is!"
"How are you going to do that?" asked Connie.
Eren was silent for a long moment. Which meant he didn't have a fucking clue. Armin sighed.
"I'll ask those closest to him!" Eren decreed. "I'll be like a privates investigator!"
"You mean a private investigator?" corrected Armin.
"Aren't they the same thing?"
Armin banged his head into the wall.
The first person Eren went to for his 'investigation' was Hanji. Hanji was the smartest person Eren knew after Armin and she was a scientist. Surely she would know something about Levi's last name. At least that's what Eren theorized.
"His last name?" Hanji blinked amongst the blackened wreckage that was once her entire workshop. In the background several of her squad members were still busily trying to extinguish the last of the fires. Hanji scratched the back of her head. "I thought it was Rivaille."
Hanji was no help at all.
Their next victim was Erwin. The squad didn't see Erwin often anymore, what with Eren being wanted by the whole military Police for turning the entire city into him and Annie's personal play ground but really who cares what those frilly unicorns think? Therefore they hadn't seen the captain since the incident where he had lost his arm. Eren stared at the stump in the rudest way possible and so Armin was forced to talk in his place.
"We're trying to figure out what Captain Levi's last name is, sir."
"His last name?" The blond commander stared at the two of them. "Why would you care about something like that?"
"We just feel a little uncomfortable addressing him by his first name all the time when he's our superior," Armin lied quickly. In reality nobody gave a shit about something like that but telling Erwin they were trying to find out Levi's last name out of simple curiosity may not have gone over so well.
Erwin leaned back into his chair with a thoughtful expression. "Actually I'm not sure what his last name is. I never asked him."
Armin blinked. "Did the survey corps not assign him one when he first enlisted?"
"Did we?" Erwin seemed genuinely mystified.
You're the commander, Armin wanted to shout at him. Isn't that something you should know?!
It didn't look like Erwin was going to be any help either. They turned to leave when Eren opened his mouth. "Sir, if you don't mind me asking how do you…" He made a vulgar jerking motion with his hand near his crotch.
Armin's jaw hit the floor.
"I mean without your dominant hand anymore it must be difficult, right?" Eren continued obliviously.
But for some reason Erwin only smiled at the incredibly rude question. "I'm ambidextrous."
"It means he can use both hands," Armin answered automatically, and then blushed at how that had come out.
"When you've been in the survey corps for a while you'll learn that being able to use both hands is quite a virtue," said Erwin. "So I used to learn both."
Are we still talking about masturbating?! Armin sure wanted to yell a lot today.
Eren on the other hand – he did have two after all - was all complete energetic agreement. "I'll get working on that right away!"
Erwin's smile was wider than ever. "I bet you will."
Armin covered his face with his hands.
It turned out the only people Eren had planned on asking was Hanji and Erwin. Reason being nobody else in the survey corps was really that close to Levi. Well, anyone who was alive anyway.
"I bet I'll be able to find it out still," Eren insisted.
"I'll just ask him every last name I can think of."
It was a stupid plan but then again it was Eren. All of his plans tended to be stupid.
The next day Eren put his grand scheme into motion. He walked up to Levi and said, "What is your last name, sir?" Such a great investigator.
"This again." Levi looked slightly irritated. "Why do you care?"
"Because I want to know what my future married name is going to be—I mean it's for science."
Levi made a strange face but he still answered. "It's Lawliet."
Eren brightened. "Really?"
"No, you moron. Now go make yourself useful and clean something."
"Is it Yagami?"
"Why in heaven's name would you think it's that?"
"Because Yagami backwards is—"
Levi drop kicked him across the yard.
"Is it The Stampede?"
Levi's sharp eyebrows lowered. "What?"
"Levi the Stampede." Eren made a face. "I guess you're not tall enough for a stampede though. It'd be more like an insignificant charging of lemmings. Levi the Lemming."
"Well," Armin sighed as he watched Levi proceed to sock Eren square in the jaw. "At least his teeth grow back."
If there was any good thing anyone could say about Eren was that he never. EVER. Gave up. No matter how stupid or idiotic his goal was he would never give up until he achieved it.
"That isn't a last name, idiot."
"I'd like to uzu your maki."
"What was that?"
"I said I need to use the mop…i."
"Oh yes, good, good, go do that."
After two weeks of the constant name badgering Levi could feel his patience wearing thin. At dinner time when they were all gathered together it was the worst and today was no exception.
"Heartfilia?" asked Sasha.
"Kuchiki?" said Eren.
"Is it Luffy?" asked Connie.
Levi scowled. Where in bloody hell were they getting these names exactly? "Why does it even matter what my last name is?" he asked for what seemed like the umpteenth time.
"Because!" said Eren but nothing followed.
"Its curiosity," said Armin, who Levi was starting to suspect was the only one out of the whole group with a decent amount of brain cells. "It's driving them crazy that they can't figure out."
Levi sighed. This is what he got for making his entire squad nothing but teenagers. The last few nights they had kept him up with their strange noises in the bedroom. When Levi had gone to see what in hell's name they were doing Eren and Connie had held up their left hands and declared they had been practicing. Levi hadn't gone back to their room since.
"Alright, fine. If I tell you what it is will you leave me alone?"
They nodded eagerly.
Levi tried to think of the most common last name he could think of, one that was generalized and people would obviously use for aliases all of the time. He spouted the first one that came to his mind. "It's Smith."
The room got very quiet. "Smith?" Jean asked slowly. "As in…Commander Erwin Smith?"
Oh fuck. Levi had totally forgotten that was Erwin's last name. "No, I mean, it's not—"
"No wonder he didn't want to tell us!" Connie whooped. "Him and Commander Erwin are married!"
For some reason Eren looked like he wanted to cry.
"Wh-what? No, I'm not—" But Levi was drowned out by the racket the kids were now making at his divulging of his 'big, dark secret'. Levi buried his face in his hands. I have made a terrible mistake.
Three days later Levi stepped into Erwin's office. Oddly Erwin stood in front of his desk, leaning against the wood and posturing? Everyone seemed to be out of their minds these days.
"So," began Erwin once Levi walked in. "We're married now."
Levi rolled his eyes to the ceiling. Of course Erwin would hear about his stupid slip up. The whole scouting legion likely knew at this point considering who Levi's damn squad was made up of. "No," Levi growled. "We're not. It was just a dumb mistake on my part. Don't ask."
"Oh." Erwin looked disappointed. "So we're not married then."
Levi gave him a weird look. "Of course we're not."
"I see." Erwin coughed, as if embarrassed, and with his hand discreetly pushed the documents labeled 'Honeymoon Plans' out of sight.