Sorry bout the late update. Have just returned back to uni and keep getting different bouts of inspiration. Mega confusing. That and i'm already lost in my classes so not good.

Also, I have done some more research and found out that Kanda symptoms would be for more anorexia than bulimia as he's not binge eating. Instead he has symptoms like bulimia. I'll revise the story a bit but this was the main issue.

Chapter 5 – Hating my existence

What is trust? How does one learn to trust? How does one understand actual trust?

And also, how should one react to such a situation?

The sun's rays peeked through the dark shadows welcoming the room to the new morning. It would have been peaceful, in fact it was peaceful.

That was the point.

Kanda had woken bit by bit feeling warm and snug. Something that he wasn't used too considering how he was always cold and half conscious. His body was warm, comfortable and his back wasn't hurting. This despite the fact that his ribs were fractured.

The only irritating thing was the current pounding in his head that woke him up in the first place.

Kanda tried blinking after finally giving up on the idea of falling back asleep and found his consciousness gradually returning. Then it hit him.

He was comfortable.

He was never comfortable.

Kanda jumped up hissing from the pain in his ribs but quickly found himself freezing like a statue. His eyes slid around him. He was in a bed and covered in a quilt and comforter, but in a room that he didn't recognise.

The shudders that raked through his body caused his skin to crawl. What happened last night? Did he...Did he, do anything?

His memories were fuzzy and his head was pounding.

What the fuck happened to him last night?

Before he could continue on with his thoughts a door to his side opened and he felt himself freezing yet again. And Cobalt eyes met Silver.

Kanda was shocked. Unbelievable shocked.

Did he sleep with this guy?


"Um, Hi?"


"I'm, Allen. You are?"

Kanda just remained silent noticing the fact that despite the room being warm, goose bumps were forming on his skin alerting him to the fact that his own clothes were missing.

Allen on the other hand found himself uncomfortable at the silence. After all he knew nothing about this stranger that he had brought over to his hotel room. That and he had also attempted suicide and someone in that state could be commonly considered as unstable.

He had also had to strip the other down and the bruises and injures he saw were even more unsettling.

Trying to get along would be hard.

"Um" Allen continued. "How do you feel? You didn't look so well last night."

"What happened?" The dark haired stranger asked as he began to shake and tremble. Allen found himself becoming uncomfortable.

"Are you okay? Is it okay for me to ask what happened? I'd be glad to help"

"Who's clothes are these?" The dark haired teen asked again. The way he was shaking was starting to worry Allen. He found himself gesturing for the other to calm down but instead it was like adding fuel to fire as the other becoming more frantic. Almost exactly like a panic attack.

"Calm down. Can I ask why you tried to kill yourself?" Allen asked. When The other teen said nothing and just stared at him questionably he just took that as a sign that he could continue.

"Um i noticed that you were anorexic and had lots of bruises" He continued again quietly. As soon as the word anorexia left his lips the others head snapped up. Clearly that was the one point that he wasn't supposed to bring up.

"You, saw me naked." He stated. Allen just stared at him nervously. "Where am I? What did you do to me you asshole?" He shouted all but ripping the sheets off of him and making a beeline to the door.

"Wait, If you need someone to help you or talk to, I can help. "

"Fuck off" The other shouted already halfway out the door. The sound of it slamming vibrated through the room. Allen just sighed and blinked.

"Well" He murmured. "That went well"


It wasn't like Allen had expecting anything better. Especially concerning the circumstances involved. He could only sigh slumping onto his bed. He had met a variety of strangers with different scenarios involved due to his unusual need to help but it wasn't always beneficial to him. Having someone else's life on his conscious created worry and concern to distract him. It wasn't something that people could consider healthy.

He sighed again grabbing a bottle of a random spirit and unscrewing the top before taking a few sips. He loved the strong liquid almost burning down his throat before the sweet apple after taste follow. He wasn't an alcoholic but since having Cross Marion, a compulsive , he found himself enjoy part of the pleasures as a form of relaxation.

But he knew when to stop. That was the good thing. Again Allen sighed pulling himself up and forcing himself to get ready for the day. It was around 8:00 and since school was out for him he needed to prepare for his other job. He quickly fastened the bottle returning it to where he found it and then shuffling for the correct uniform for the day.

He only hoped that the person would be happy, but he didn't really expect it. The blue haired stranger had most likely tried to kill himself and he was sickly skinny, this along with the fact that his body had bruises on it. He found himself now aware and worried about that complete stranger.

He only hoped that things would go well but he himself knew that he tended to lie to himself.


It was cold out but the sunrise had delivered what could be considered a warm light. At least warm enough across the spectrum of light, not warm in the sense of weather. It was after all reflecting the effect of rain from the previous night.

That and Kanda could barely care about the weather, what with his mind in disarray and all. Ignoring the dizziness and pounding of his head the pain his thoughts were causing were causing him to feeling even more disorientated. Had he really consented to such a thing. Was he high, drunk maybe. He could just about remember the events of the previous night and drunk actually sounded plausible.

He had after all be force 'drank (if that made any sense) alcohol as a way to warm up. Then he had been bathed, then from there he couldn't remember. His mind seemed to have created a barrier from the following memories that just resulted in more of a pounding headache.

But he felt violated. Had he ... had sex. Had he lost the only other form of innocence if you must, from his being. Was he no longer a virgin.

Had he caught and STD as well. The idea of remaining a virgin had been his only line of defence from being raped but now with that gone his mother would probably sell the rest of him off. After all she would have done it a long time if not for the marriage to Tiedoll.

His feet trudged automatically against his awareness leading him to the closest hospital and as soon as he arrived instead all consciousness slipped from him. He didn't even feel himself connect top the floor. Or here the shocked gasps of people and nurses around him.


Waking up had been a bit of a start. Like Kanda had been jolted awake, but from the nurse by his side inserting the iv tube into the back of his hand he found himself only nodding his consent The pain of those injections was always sharp and uncomfortable. Before when he first admitted himself to a hospital the nutrient injections and iv lines used to be excruitiating. Now it was just a really uncomfortable thorn in his side.

The nurse seeing him awake midly apologised before helping hims get confortable in his position. There of course wasn't much to say and the way he was feeling, he didn't want to talk either. He just wanted to sleep some more.

Still it didn't seem like that was and option. What with the iv injecting what he could only describe as liquid metal through his veins.

"This will be uncomfortable for a while"The nurse started, reassuring him. He only nodded.

"Will I be ok to go home today?" He asked not sure what he expected. Looking at her more attentively he recognised her some more. He had afterall visited hospitals n a regular basis, enough to be a regular.

"You should be. The few tests we ran and your medical report shows that you'll be fine with some rest and fluids. You were slightly dehydrated. Have you been drinking alcohol?"

"I guess." He quietly replied. She just gave a all knowing smile. "Well, with the fractured ribs and painkillers and weight issues I wouldn't advise it. You'll just make yourself sick and cause more complications, understand?" She asked again. Kanda noddijg along mutely feeling his side.

"Yes. I won't do it again. I feel horrible anyway." She chuckled under her breath at that statement turning to check the machine at his side. "Let's hope. And thats due to dehydration." Then she turned to him."Just make sure to get some rest then you will be discharged later.

And again Kanda nodded. It was always the same routine.

Before she could leave though he found himself remembering a extra worry and to do with last night.

"Nurse, can I check out the possibility for another test?" The woman in question stopped before she reached the door remaining quiet as Kanda's cue to continue.

"Can I have a test for an S...TD.?


School had been a bust. He had pretty much been released around 1pm and with it being Thursday he had been able to make it to school just a bit past lunch, thankful that the hospital wasn't that far from his school.

The same routine followed. Walk in, go to straight to the reception and sign in late before he received his late pass. Then he went to his class. Told off by the teacher for being late and even bothering to come to school in front of the class. Told to sit down and called on a few times for no practical reasons.

Generally he couldn't care as his mind was elsewhere. Apart from the general headache his thoughts were reflecting back with more clarity. He had tried to kill himself. He was sitting in the classroom among others who continued on with their lives.

People who didn't actually know him at all.

Even his friends didn't know him. They didn't know that he was anorexic. They didn't know that he was sickly.

Better yet, none of them would have imagined that he was suicidal.

And yet., that stranger now most definetly knew. That stranger had seen his worse side completly bare. Had seen him for how he was. It scared him. Or more accurately, surprised him. That stranger had seen him and yet hadn't been repulsed.

He had looked at him with understanding and another emotion he could't place. Not quiete pity but something with genuine concern and a desire to be involved and to help included.

And why?

But his words had struck a chord for some reason. Made him curious.

"Wait, If you need someone to help you or talk to, I can help. "

How. Was his words genuine or just a front.

That almost babyface that he could now see compared to the older paedophile he had conjured up, was such a person capable of causing him harm.

Could he take advantage of him?

They say that the eyes are a doorway to ones soul.

His eyes were a piercing midnight blue, abnormal in itself but practically screaming hate. Those eyes had been the opposite of his. They were bright yet steel like colour.

The teacher called him up to the board to answer the answer to an equation that he couldn't do. He stood with his mind still reeling over is thoughts,

Was the others just empty words? Lies?

But still, who was he to talk?

His very existence was a fucking lie.


From the annoying maths lesson to the confusing as fuck French class it finally signalled the end of the day and the beginning of detention.

Kanda quickly found himself seated among a bunch of other students for an hour randomly doodling. Then he joined his after school band activities for a bit longer before leaving for home expecting Tiedoll to be back.

But of course lady luck hated his existence just like his mother did.

He had gone straight to his room still in deep thought not noticing that the house was quiet andf that Tiedoll and the others weren't present.

Only to walk in his room to find it already occupied with a group of strangers. And before he could run out the door closed behind him, shut then locked . Leaving him trapped and surrounded by a bunch of men.

AAnd he felt his heart plummet in his chest.

"You're mum says you like the sucking dick for some cash and that your talented with your tongue." One man said immediately blocking him from the front. He felt a shudder run though his body as soon as pairs of hands began to touch him. It was suffocating and frightening as he knew that yet again he couldn't escape.

Ironically from meeting that stranger he had forgotten what he was running away from.

"She's really pretty isn't she?"

"Her slutty expression while she's sucking cock must be hot"

"I'm lucky to be here aren't I?"

Kanda quickly found himself escaping to the furthest reaches of his mind where he felt and saw nothing as soon as he was pushed down to his knees.

His existence was an abomination. He really wished that he had succeeded in dying. He found himself hating the white haired stranger.

My plot bunnies a bit screwed up. When i'm out away from a computer or in a class thats when i get ideas on exactly how to do the chapter. The sad thing is when i'm in my room thats when i can't get ideas or remember my previous ones. Still, its working out.

Please leave reviews. It feeds me with more and faster chapters.