Summary: In which Levi tries to "make friends" with the photogenic, wayward college kid riding the same hour subway. Modeling-Scout!Levi and Punk-to-Model!Eren.

Warning: Levi's potty language and humor.

Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin.

Notes: Dear Lord, it was as if I dropped off the face of the earth... So sorry, my lovelies... I'm really glad you guys liked this, considering that Levi's experience was parallel to my wallet being stolen too. Hahahaahahano.


Inhuman

Chapter 2: Mug Shot


Thursday

11:12 AM

The day after Levi's fateful encounter with his muse-turned-thief, Levi came to work the next morning. Albeit late, nothing out of the ordinary. His slacks were pressed, his shirt was pristine and buttoned, and he commanded the work floor. Quite impressive for someone of his insufferable clean-freak anal personality who had to take public transportation again, the staff thought.

In fact, the only thing out of the ordinary was the quick "I need to speak with you. I'll see you in five," that Levi relayed to Erwin mid-fast walk towards the men's restroom. To any and all passers-by, it sounded like the boss and the mini boss were going to, erm, do the deed in the restroom. They all think it happens on a daily, raunchy basis anyway. There was a bogus, not-so secret betting pool dedicated to guessing "who topped this time." Erwin's proud to say that most place their bets on him.

"It's barely nine and they're already trying to get intimate...?" an aspiring intern whispered, scandalized, to the person who happend to be adjacent to her assigned cubicle.

Upon hearing that, Erwin almost broke his facade and guffawed. Levi was about to get intimate alright - by spending those five minutes taking what he deemed a necessary shower-spray with a can of Lysol post-subway ride. Erwin would know. The last time he and Levi rode a public transportation vehicle was in their college days, and Levi ended up doing the same thing. Levi wouldn't willingly enter the public restrooms unless a dire situation called for it.

Contrary to popular belief, Hange is actually quite very hardworking and dedicated to her career, thus she does not have the ample extra time to cater to Levi's transportations needs at his morning whining whims. This led the man to grudgingly brave the morning commuters of Sinna district to Karanese district.

Several minutes later, Levi had appeared in Erwin's large office, looking quite ruffled and disturbed.

"Whoever the custodian is, that fuckup needs to do a better job with the facilities. It's disgusting in there. It's as if he doesn't know what to do with a mop other than shove it up his ass and shit on the floor."

Erwin blinked once, sinking into his seat more comfortably. He had a feeling this could take a while.

"How... eloquently descriptive of you. Besides, you fired the custodian last week, remember? What was it, 'inadequate floor scrubbing'?" Erwin shouldn't probably mention that right after that incident, Levi had demoted that certain duty to Auruo.

His subordinate and childhood friend snorted and sat at the guest chair opposite Erwin's big-ass desk, legs crossed.

"Save me your sarcasm at a later date, Smith. Right now, I need you to call in a favor from Dawk. See how familiar the Police are with punk-ass shitty brats."

"The Police?" Erwin frowned. "I thought that was your last fiasco with them."

"Calm your balls." Levi ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to get his bangs out of his face. "This has nothing to do with that. I wasn't the one doing shit this time."

"'This time?'"

"Oi. I said put your sarcasm away, Smith."

Erwin smiled and raised an impressive eyebrow, prompting for more.

Levi turned his head a bit to inspect an uninteresting wall decoration to his right, if only to avoid eye contact, his hand in his hair again. "Some brat pulled a fast one on me last night. Fucker pickpocketed me at the subway. Took my wallet. By the time I noticed, I was home."

"So we're reporting a crime then." Erwin already had his phone out, searching through his contacts and dialing his old friend Dawk. "Hope you got a clear look at him."

Levi's lips quirked a bit at that. He got a clear look alright.

"Not quite. They just need to find him for me. Then, he's all mine. I could use this as leverage after all."

"Leverage for what exactly? What else could you want from this kid? You know you could have reported this last night too instead of running to me this morning."

Erwin located Dawk's contact and the phone began to ring, awaiting the other side to pick it up.

Levi rolled his eyes. "I didn't run to you this morning. Don't flatter yourself. Besides, I don't need him jailed." He paused, standing up to swipe a finger at Erwin's desk to check if it's cleanliness was up to his standards. Finding nothing to complain about, he made eye contact with Erwin, satisfied. "And I'm sure you wouldn't want him to, either. You told me to go search. Guess what I found."

The gears in Erwin's head began turning. "For Inhuman? You found somebody?"

Levi's steel-hued eyes glinted. "You have no fucking idea."

Erwin sat straigher. About damn time too! Erwin's been trying to stave off management for a month now. Finally, Levi liked someone! Erwin didn't care that he was almost buzzing in his seat, leading forward in anticipation.

"Levi. Who?"

His subordinate smirked with a hint of teeth as Dawk picked up from the other end with a "Hello?"

Levi glanced at the phone. "Well Commander, we're about to find out."


9:16 PM

"Wait wait, hold up," Hange paused, a spoonful of ice-cream halfway into her mouth. She could hear plates clanging in Levi's end. "You mean to say that you, Levi the Feared, the Invincible, the frikken' Leviathan, was bested by some punk-ass kid last night?"

"You make it sound like pickpocketing is something I do for sport." Levi shifted his shoulder to press his phone against his ear more comfortably and continued to vigorously scrub his dishes sparkly clean. He doesn't steal, okay. Or at least present Levi doesn't. Younger him, though, is fair game. "And stop calling me that. It never caught on then, and it won't catch on now."

"What, you don't like it? It's really cool, you know - ironic too! Get it, 'cuz like the Leviathan's this big-ass thing and you're this short-ass little thing..."

"The fuck, asswipe?" The question had to be asked not due to surprise, but simply to have something to reply back. Hange's cracked any and all short jokes already that Levi doesn't even bat an unamused eyelid anymore. Their conversations were almost scripted, really.

"Ohoh yeahhh. You're right. You had more fun beating up guys thrice your size."

Damn straight.

"Which really begs the question... You gonna go find this kid?"

"I am a sensible adult with sensible responsibilities, and you are asking me if I want to spend the time and effort looking for a brat - the very same one that robbed me, mind you - that I've only seen once in my lifetime to what, beat him up?"

There was no pause.

"Well, duh, Levi. Why else would I ask?"

"...You are a dumbass."

"Hahaha, maybe. But that's wasn't a denial~" she sang.

In truth, Yes, Levi was looking for his newfound muse. Thief or not, he was the only one that Levi approved of in his month-long search for Inhuman. Once he finds him, all he really needs after was Erwin's official approval - nothing but a formality, really.

But like hell he was going to tell her that and prove her point.

Hange just guffawed in reply. "No really, though. Didn't you say he was pretty?"

"The fuck you mean by 'pretty?'"

"Oh come on, Levi! It's been some time since you got so worked up about someone!" Hange lowered her voice to a ridiculous, inaccurate gruff tone. " 'Motherfuckin' sonuva whore trynna get the drop on ME? M'a beat yo' ass up.' "

"Since you are obviously high as a kite, and I would like to take the time to remind you now that recreational weed is still illegal to smoke, no matter what bullshit excuse of an experiment you tell me you're using it for. "

"Ohoh shit," Hange le gasped in exaggerated epiphany, "don't tell me you found him so pretty his eyes distracted you!"

The sound of plates clanging on Levi's end stopped. Why the fuck does everyone think he stared at the punk? Even Erwin did a creepy eyebrow wagging thing after he described the boy to Dawk. Okay, he may have really maybe gave an unusual amount of physical information. But that wasn't because he stared.

It was just professional examining of a potential employee is all.

Really.

"Eh, eh?" she continued mockingly. "Did you find him so purty?"

Levi could feel an upcoming migraine.

"If I was there, I'd fuck your mouth up so hard you wouldn't be able to spout shit like that."

"Ahahah, too late! My mouth's already pre-occupied~" Hange moved the curve of the spoon back and forth against the flat of her tongue and pretended to gag. "Mmm, hah, nnghh," she fake-moaned.

"You...are on a whole new level of terrorism."

"I am on a whole new level of awesome, you mean!"

"No."

"Oh, please. You love me."

"You disgust me," he sighs. "I'm done."

Click.

Hange waited for the dial tone before letting out the silenced giggles she almost failed to hold into full-blown stomach laughters. She fell from her couch to the floor, narrowly missing her coffee table filled to the surface with scribbles - in the name of science! - on her way to her plush carpet. She wiped a stray tear away from her eye.

"Oh, Levi, you make it so easy!" Hange reached across the sofa and grabbed a composition notebook on her coffee table bearing a simple title: Levi. She flipped to a clean page and wrote, " 'still socially inept. Social skills decrease after awkward and/or sexually suggestive topics.' " Hange tapped the pen to her chin.

"You need to lighten up, you grumpy little duck-butt."


A week later

Wednesday

7:42 AM

Erwin Smith walked along the halls of Recon in this calm morning. No one was supposed to be in this early, but Erwin felt the need to lock himself up in his office after these last couple of days.

Not that he was trying to avoid anyone, per se. He just has a lot of work, you see. Especially since a certain someone kept messing with this office.

Everyone won't be going in for another hour, so Erwin had the whole place to himself. He strolled along languidly and silently, with sure yet light steps.

Not that he was trying to be inconspicous for any specific reason.

In this particular morning, Erwin took the time to take in his boring, but familiar surrounding, the very same one he sees everyday.

Not that he was checking if a certain someone was already here, okay. He just wanted to stop and smell the roses today... or in this case, the copy machine ink that always seemed to linger around. Ahem. Tomayto, Tomahto. Same thing.

Coast clear and nothing amiss. Erwin's disposition changed from that of a serious leader to that of a lax man releasing a sigh.

He reached his door and confidently stepped in.

...if only to subtly falter halfway.

His senses were assaulted by a sharp, sterile scent (Lysol?) and he found Levi in his office, dwarfed by sitting on his massive and comfortable and (not to mention) expensive leather chair, sifting through his mail. Levi's blazer was draped on the back of the seat, leaving him in his white button-up and expensive black slacks. He can't say happening upon this scene was such a surprise anymore. Although the lack of his usual mess on his work desk is a matter of concern. Levi must've gotten into one of his cleaning sprees again. Which meant he put everything in sight away. Again.

Erwin liked to think there was a method to his messy, chaotic, unorganized madness, but against Levi, he just sighs and takes it in stride.

He's never been one to argue with his cleaning ladies, especially those of the vertically-challenged stature anyway.

"Ahem. Good morning, Levi."

Levi barely looked up, busy sorting junk mail and opening letters that weren't his. To his credit, he did move away from the chair and sat on the desk instead, legs crossed as always. Erwin took that as his permission to sit on the soft, comfy leather chair.

"Took you damn long enough, Smith. Had a fun shit?"

"It was productive, thank you for asking." Erwin examined his desk. "And speaking of my 'shit,' where are my post-its?"

"Left drawer. I color-coordinated them too."

Upon further inspection, the post-its weren't the only ones. His documents and folders were also separated by size and color. Erwin resisted the urge to acquaint his forehead with his palm. In this instance, Levi's "cleaning" only served to shuffle his papers around - papers that he had already stacked (no matter how precauriosly over by that dingy corner) in his own perfectly semi-accessible preferences thankyouverymuch. Which means that he'll have to manually search - not to mention reorganize - his documents and would most likely get no actual work done for today. Again.

Godammit, Levi.

"...we need to get you some hobbies."

Levi finally looked up, halfway in opening another letter.

"Then who's gonna clean up after your shit, Smith?" he scoffs. "Yourself? Don't joke like that, I might actually shit myself in laughter next time."

Now, Erwin's familiar with Levi's unhealthy usage and references of fecal matter in his day-to-day conversations. But even he felt something was wrong.

"You've said 'shit' way too many time this morning. Levi, are you okay?"

"Yeah," Levi's eyes narrowed at him. "Are you fucking okay?"

To be honest, Erwin had no idea how to respond to that.

But he was the Oh Fearless Leader, so he misdirected the topic instead.

"You seem jittery."

It was at this point that Erwin subtly leaned away from the semi-manic look that crossed his Right Hand's face.

"I found him. I found the little shit."

Erwin could only think of one thing from their conversation with Dawk last week.

"...'Angry Eyes?'"

Levi rolled his eyes. "From the physical description that I reported, that is what you remember the most?"

Erwin shrugged. It was still too early in the morning for this.

"Anyway," Levi continued. "I need to take the day off. Dawk called me last night. The Police checked the video footage of the subway and found a match. It seems I'll be visiting my dear estranged cousin today, too."

Erwin looked up from attempting to do paperwork simultaneously as he listens. "Her?"

Levi motioned his hand and Erwin handed him his blazer. "Yes. Although I'd prefer it if no unnecessary contact happens, it seems that she's currently friends with the shitty brat. And here, look at this." From the confines of the jacket, Levi brought out a copy of a mug shot and arrest records. "For public intoxication and assault. The Police can't divulge any more personal information that that, but hey, the Brat's already got a police record. Not too shabby. Pretty sure he'll mind if I casually mention that I can report him for theft."

Erwin raised an eyebrow. "That's blackmail."

Levi arched his own. "Your point?" He then inclined his head towards the door, a silent question to leave.

"Well then. I don't want to know anymore about your less-than-illegal methods. Just get him." Erwin casually leaned back on his seat and chin-nodded at his entryway, dismissing Levi.

"I'll be back later. And get that restroom fixed, will you. Bunch of animals..."

Erwin looked at his desk. His subordinate had left him the arrest records. He picked up a document and found a face staring back - an angry teenager's face glaring at him with a frown.

Eren Yeager.

Poor boy stole from the wrong man. Kid won't know what hit him.

Erwin could only sigh.

Knowing Levi, he might actually hit the shitty brat.


"So you're 18?"

"Yeah, why?" The brat cocked an eyebrow in question.

FUCKING YES. HE'S LEGAL.

"Just checking."


Author's Notes: I AM SO SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH. Oh and if anyone's wondering, the last four lines of this is a preview for next chapter. Yes, they meet. (;