Hi! I'm finally writing again.
Anyways, I don't plan on letting this be just a one-shot. I hope to make a series of chapters for a lot of the characters and showing their views and how, things that had become missing for them, affected them. (This is sort of writing practice for me too so I apologize in advance if you do not like it.)
Disclaimer: I dont own SnK
Warning: Character Death and Angst
To be perfectly honest, I hated seeing those I cared about die. I hated seeing his dead body just lying there. It wasn't even his complete body, one third bitten off by a titan. Whenever I see that place, where he died, my heart feels as if it would shatter again. I didn't cry though. I don't need anyone especially Eren, calling me a crybaby. None of them probably even remember that alley. I do though and I wont ever forget.
He had been alive and the next moment I found him dead, it was as if the middle had been erased. That's what annoys me the most. Like huh? What do you mean nobody saw him? What do you mean nobody saw him die? He died all alone that means. Nobody could even hear his last words. If he even spoke any last words; he may not have if he was all alone. It would have been to painful to do so if he forced himself. Someone... someone should have seen how he died at least. Someone should have been there for him; I should have been there for him.
I should have stayed with him. I blame myself every night for it. I should have been there to keep that from happening to him. I should have been there to save his smile, to save his laugh. We were supposed to be fighting together. Fighting to defeat the titans, for survival, to be safe and live our lives in peace. Now I fight so his death wouldn't be in vain.
I didn't think he would ever die. I never imagined it. I knew what we were signing up for when we joined but I never thought that he would end like that. Everything went so wrong. So very, very wrong.
He believed in me so much. He believed I could be a leader even though I am weak. I probably failed him though. I may try to act like a leader but I rely on others so much. If I told him that he would say that it was a good thing about me. He was so positive about everything, despite everything. Supporting me in everything I chose, he was such an amazing person. The most amazing best friend you could ask for. I miss him so much
Those who still have their loved ones with them... I'm jealous of them. Stupid as it sounds, I'm jealous. I envy how they can go back and laugh with the ones they care about. That they can go and joke around without feeling an emptiness that I do. To feel as if half my heart was ripped out after I saw him dead. For them, they are still breathing. For me, he's gone.
I would say it was all for him to be able to rest peacefully. I would say that I tried to be strong for him but thats not true. What is true, is that I'm also doing this for myself. I want to think he will be at peace if I continue to fight those titan bastards and defeat them. I want to feel at peace about his death. I want to stop feeling hollow inside, something I've been feeling since I saw his lifeless body. Its selfish, I know, but its also typical. I'm human and humanity is selfish. I'm not strong enough to stop from being selfish or from feeling the way i do.. Just like I said my faith in humanity is gone, my happiness is gone. I've become such a bitter person.
Funny isn't it? How things work. He died yet I feel like I died with him but, at the same time, I know I didn't. I have to continue living without him in this cruel world. I say I feel empty yet I feel sadness and envy and hatred and anger. I feel so much yet I feel so dead. It makes no sense. It shouldn't be possible.
Damn it, Marco, I miss you.
That sounds mushy for me, I know, but I've changed in some ways more bad than good. I've changed so much ever since a part of me went missing, ever since you were gone...
A/N: I'm sorry for writing this, if it hurt anyone. I'm not in love with this piece since it seems really mushy for Jean but I felt like he could actually feel like this. Does anybody understand my reasoning? I hope so.
Please tell me on how to improve or any constructive criticism, it would be very much appreciated. I'm thinking about writing one for Mikasa next or maybe Hanji? It would be interesting to make a chapter about Hanji since we really don't know too much about her past.
Review, Favorite, and Follow! Please and Thank you. Your comments are very much appreciated. ^^
Thank you again!