A/N: I own nothing and am sorry for all the grammar/spelling mistakes. Set riiiiiight after S3E16.
He wakes up.
There's no fuss about it, there's no groaning and moaning and shielding his eyes from the invading light, there's no grabbing for the pillow to make himself sleep longer, there's nothing.
He just wakes up. Opens his eyes with normal speed; not too quickly as if he has been waking from a nightmare and not too slowly, as if they weighted a thousand pounds.
He just opens them up and breathes in deeply, scratching his chest because it aches sharply right above his heart.
He doesn't know when he fell asleep, doesn't know why he did it or where. There's a ceiling above him, dirty brown wooden planks nailed together in all kinds of directions. There's no pattern to it, whoever did this probably just picked up a plank no matter its length or size and nailed it up there. Possibly drunk.
The light, wherever he is, is bright, yellowish whiteness filling every crack of the ceiling. It's too bright to be early morning and the light is too hot on his bare arms to be late afternoon. So ... midday. He slept late. Too late.
There's a too hard bed under his aching back, feels like he's lying on a concrete floor, but no, it's a bed. He's in a room. Motel room, judging by ... everything.
He has no idea how he got here, why he is here, where here even is.
He doesn't know anything.
There are noises, muffled but still there, coming into the room through the thin walls; cars driving, honking, people talking, laughing, screaming, walking ... chaos.
He's awake. He needs to wake Dean up too, they need to go get breakfast, he can feel hunger gnawing at his stomach, and coffee. He definitely needs coffee. And then they need to go, drive to the next case, kill some monsters, make Dean happy.
... there's no Dean.
A second is split into 'Dean, wake up man' and 'Dean is dead' and that second cracks his head apart and now he knows why his chest and back ache, why his eyes burn and sting and feel sticky.
Dean is burning in Hell. Because of him.
He screams in a hoarse voice as if he had been screaming the whole night long. Maybe he has.
"Dean..." he whispers even if he knows there'll be no 'shut up, bitch 'n' get up'. No 'rise and shine Sammy'. Knows that there'll be nothing but silence.
He blinks and breathes. He tastes death in his mouth, he feels dead, nailed to the bed with absolutely no reason to get up.
But that only lasts for a second too, because he has a job to do. He's gonna get Dean back, he's gonna save his brother, he's gonna get Dean back topside and he's gonna do whatever it takes, even if he dies doing it. He doesn't care anymore. Death has no meaning to him, because everyone he ever loved is already dead. If he fails, he will go after Lillith, kill that bitch and gladly die doing it.
He grips the neck of a Whiskey bottle that has been leaned to his hip the whole time, so tight his knuckles crack and takes a huge swallow of the burning liquid.
He's still laying down, kinda sideways on the bed, sprawled all over the blanket, has no strength to sit himself up and the Whiskey runs cold down the side of his mouth, down his cheeks and neck.
He's making a mess of the bed and himself, but it all feels like a drop in the sea of mess that he already is.
He is a mess; of pain and loss and misery and determination.
He tries to take another sip, but he raises the bottle and his head at the same time and the top of the bottle hits his teeth, splitting his lip and now he tastes blood.
Blood he shares with his brother. His big brother that's burning in Hell, but not for long. Not for long.
Time goes on, but for him time goes towards having his brother back.
He feels broken beyond repair, but he will fix himself by getting his brother out of Hell and then they'll go hunt that bitch down and tear her apart limb by demonic limb.
He feels anger surge through him, a rush of adrenaline, want and need and he gets up from the bed, drunk out of his mind and stumbles to the table. He needs to do some research, find a crossroad.
SAM! SAMMY! SAAAAAM!
He has a brother to save.